My exploring days in Inglewood lasted until we moved to the San Fernando Valley when I was ten. My exploring continued, but the landscape changed. By then, my mom had dumped the alcoholic step father and instead, we explored because no shepherd was minding the sheep. If you think that this kind of parenting isn't still happening, you would be wrong. It is hidden in poorer neighborhoods. Of course those with money can pay for day care, nannies and babysitters but even the wealthy can neglect their kids emotionally. Okay, so I was neglected. I didn't know that at the time. I made the best of a bad situation I guess, and that mentality has been my saving grace. Oh don't get me wrong, I often had imaginative day dreams about being kidnapped by a wonderful couple who loved and adored me, but they were so kind that they still let me visit my mom once in awhile and my mom was totally cool with it. Ahhh the fantasy life of a young girl. Of course I craved adoration, so fantasy and daydreams gave that to me. That's resilience at its best. There is an amazing documentary about a pack of siblings held hostage in their New York City apartment throughout their childhoods by a controlling father. The kids watched movies and they escaped their prison by becoming other characters and acting out the movies they watched. The documentary is called the "Wolfpack."
I am not angry about my childhood, because eventually loneliness became my buddy. I played with loneliness, as he was my best friend. Later though, as a young adult, I started running from loneliness, attempting to keep ahead of him. He ran faster than me. I had decided to reject him still and looked for anything to replace him, avoid him and ignore him. The strange thing was, nothing kept him at bay. Its like playing hide-n-seek, you can hide but eventually he finds you. Loneliness catches up with everyone. I just became familiar with loneliness at a younger age than most. I knew he existed, while most become shocked and surprised by him when they are older. Loneliness has two sides to him. Lone means solitary, single and companionless. I look at lone as the ability to embrace being alone, instead of avoiding it. The beauty of being alone is that you get to know yourself, and eventually you get to a place of loving just being you. The other side of loneliness is fear. People fear being alone because they worry that they aren't lovable or accepted or they are avoiding their own feelings. Essentially, you are rejecting yourself when you are running from loneliness. We all have been in situations with friends, family or partners where you aren't alone, but you still feel very lonely. Being busy, successful, in a relationship or surrounded by friends will not keep my old friend loneliness away. The more you try to hide, the easier you are to find. I've now embraced loneliness as he, thus me were one all along. I didn't feel lonely as a child because I was my own best friend. I had wonderful play dates with myself and the neighborhood was mine to explore. I only became lost when doubt, insecurities and shame started taking hold of me, so I hid from loneliness until I could unravel all that had built up. I came out of my hiding place and gave loneliness a big hug, as he was trying to help me all along. Now the world in mine to explore, and he is my partner. I no longer fear being alone and I am a better partner, mother and friend because I have gotten back to the joy of being me. Why do I refer to loneliness as a him? I think for me, my dual side is masculine, the yang to my yin. He was the part of me who said, "let's try new things, don't be afraid, and I'm here for you." I am fearless and I am scared, I am strong and I am weak, I am invincible and I am vulnerable. He is me, I am him and we are one. It's nice having a best friend whom I can always count on, and that person should always be yourself.
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