Letting Go

There is a saying, you teach people how to treat you. That couldn't be more true. You teach them by allowing, laughing off, and ignoring bad behavior. Even if you lecture them on how to treat you.....if the behavior does not change, then you are allowing them to treat you badly. I use to think that if I voiced how I felt, I was being strong. It is a process of becoming stronger, but true strength lies in being able to walk away. You see, tonight I had to say good-bye to my dad. The irony is that he said good bye to me from the moment of my birth. My parents were separated when I was born and he had to be threatened to come see me in the hospital. My mother named me after him so that he would never forget who I was. He was gone most of my childhood and when he was around, well let's just say, he was anything but a doting father. I could list the many hurts and offences I have endured, but to what avail. I know what love feels like. The overwhelming love I have for my own children comes from the the depth of my soul. I have never felt one moment of that kind of love from him. My dad was dragged into fatherhood and he never learned to embrace the gift and the opportunity he had been given. So here I am, grown with three kids of my own and I finally have the courage to say good-bye. I truly understand how and why I allowed him to treat me badly. I always just wanted a dad, so I learned to stuff how I really felt, just to have him in my life. I am a Virgo, a helper and a healer. I always hope for the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I always hope that they will change. What if they can't or won't. That is my lesson which brings me to letting go. Saying good-bye is not easy for me. I have always held onto people much longer than I should have, trying to see the best in them. The sacrifice? Me. I am not saying good-bye to my dad out of anger or vengeance. I am letting go out of love... love for myself. There is a saying in the bible, honor thy mother and father. What if they are not honoring you? So the little girl in me has arrived to the moment of truth. The loss I have to face is actually one I had at birth, that I would never have a father. So I say good-bye....,good-bye to the hope I had nurtured my entire life of having a dad and to hoping that he would change. I am finally seeing him for who he really is. In saying good-bye, as I let the tears flow..... I say hello to me, welcome to the world! People can change if they want to, but in the end we can only change ourselves.......that is the journey of love.