Don't Worry

There is something so simple and pure about the saying, "Don't worry, be happy." It's a process however, sorting through your fears and doubts. We live in a society based on perpetuating fear and worry that it takes a lot of awareness to keep yourself from spinning into fear. Why do people worry so much? It is a form of disempowerment. If you believe in the lie that you are powerless, then you will feel like a victim of life, rather than a creator of your reality. The truth is that we are powerful but have been conditioned to give away and deny our power. The flip side is that there are those in powerful positions that abuse power and benefit by keeping people pessimistic, disempowered and afraid. "Humankind is being tested to become much more consciously aware of how to use the power of thought"....(Barbara Marciniak-Path of Empowerment). Fear keeps people from listening to their hearts and keeps them frozen. You have to conquer the battle within first and subdue and control your fears. Whatever you fear you will either manifest or perceive...since you create your reality. I have a client who has been incredibly miserable in her marriage for many years. Her spouse essentially told her years ago that they could just "do their own thing" as long as they kept up the pretense for their kids and families. She bought into that reality, until recently when she found herself falling in love with someone else. The perpetuated fear however is about the kids. She fears that her kids will be upset if she leaves her spouse. In truth though, she admits that her kids are very aware that the marriage is over. The kids never see them kiss, touch, laugh or spend time together. The kids have witnessed an unhappy partnership. Her fears have kept her frozen and now life is offering her a wake up call. When people worry, their fears color reality. The opposite is true too. Like the case of the woman who fears her kids will be upset, if she chooses an empowered path, then she can confront her failing marriage with truth and integrity. She can give her children the chance to process their emotions about the divorce and trust that they will grow from the experience. Otherwise the lesson is one of disempowerment, secrets, unhappy parents and lacking the trust to allow their children to grow emotionally. Whatever the situation is, whether it is the apprehension of driving on the interstate or worries about finances, criticism or speaking up for yourself, never let fear stand in your way. Just remember again, that whatever you fear or worry about, you will attract one way or another. Let life reflect to you, through what you are attracting or avoiding, what your hidden fears are. Set your intentions with the conscious choice to change your thoughts and thus change what you attract. Don't worry, be happy and watch your world transform as what you feel and attract begins to change radically. It really is that simple. "By changing ourselves, by loving ourselves, the message we deliver to our children carries the seeds of love and truth. These seeds go onto our children, and these seeds can change their lives. Imagine how our children will grow up when we share with them the seeds of love instead of the seeds of fear, judgement, shame, or blame"...(Don Miguel Ruiz-The Voice of Knowledge).

Love Life

I use to tell myself that I had every reason to love life. I convinced myself that I had it all, but I was lying to myself. I was missing something and I just had to keep pushing that feeling away. To acknowledge that "feeling" would have meant that the facade would crumble. Like many others, I just told myself that all was well and the heck with missing something. That denial lasted awhile until I just couldn't dismiss my feelings anymore. Then I woke up. It was like I had been living life asleep, filled with pressure to conform, dismissing my feelings and playing a role. When I woke up, my feelings became clear and I realized the slumber I had been in for many years. The denial of the past was not about loving life, it was the same story many people tell themselves, "You've got it good...a nice house, kids and career, so suck it up." I forgot the most important part though, to check in with myself and ask, "Hey, how are you doing?" I hadn't been doing well. Like so many people I see around me, I was ignoring my feelings. I see it everywhere. To love life, you have to honor yourself and your feelings. It's pretty difficult to really connect to the love of living if you are disconnected from yourself. Once I woke up, a love that I had suppressed came bubbling forth. I could no longer contain it. I guess you could say that I had been hiding my heart. Now that I listen to my feelings and actually let them teach and guide me, a love for life has emerged. It's also tough to just say, "I love life" when you are not honoring your own life. I've realized that to teach my children how valuable their lives are, I had to honor my own as well. Someone asked my recently, "How can I teach my children to follow their hearts, when I did not follow my heart." You teach through words and example. Wisdom comes through experience, so lessons can be passed down whenever you learn them. My daughter watched "The Princess Diaries 2" recently. I sat with her and discussed the movie afterward. In the film, the princess stands up for herself and decides as she is walking down the isle to get married, to call off the wedding and not marry out of obligation. She was not in love with the prince and thus the fairy tale wedding was a show. My daughter looked at me and said, "Why would anyone marry someone they were not in love with?" That's a great question, but one very rarely asked in society. I watched "The Art of Lying" again as well. The movie makes me laugh, but hits home once more this undercurrent in society to conform to expectations. The main character asks his true love, "What do you really want? Not what's expected, or what your mom wants....what do you really want?" She looks at him puzzled and stumped. It is a question that is tough to answer if you have never lived your life authentically. I know in generations past, many had to work at jobs they hated to support families and marriage was more of a contactual arrangement. I am sure that my grandmother might have said that marriage was not about love and would have made some remark about life being hard. These days however, we are blazing a new trail. We are starting to awaken and wonder, "What are we feeling and what is all of this really about." More information is surfacing that continues to reinforce the importance of our feelings. Not so long ago, even talk therapy had a stigma or only for people with "real" problems. That is just no longer the case. Many high functioning people are heading to therapy because they can no longer live in denial. Even traditional medicine is starting to admit, however slowly, that our emotions affect our health. Feelings can no longer be ignored. It takes a leap of faith to follow your feelings and usually means that someone will get upset with you for it. It's worth the risk, because its better to live your life following your heart then to end up disconnected, disheartened and frustrated for living a life based on what others wanted for you. You have this life to live and the journey of discovering yourself means you can become aware of the joys of living. Loving life means loving yourself and as you awaken, the journey suddenly becomes alive with possibilities. Wake up and start loving life!

The Plunge

When my first two kids learned to swim, it was the normal process of watching them hover around the stairs of the pool until the age of 5 or so. Then progressively with swim classes, they spread their swimming wings and by six, were swimming independently. With my middle child, she was so stubborn and terrified that I could barely get her to let go of the edge. Once she became more confident however and honed her skills, swimming was a breeze. With my youngest, we decided to take a quicker route. Last summer at age three, he took an infant survival training class and had to show up for a quick ten minute class, every day for three weeks. It was intense. He was starting to realize that water really scared him and he was clinging to the pool stairs like the other two had done. At the first class he was baptised quickly and dropped gently under deep water. With a swift hand, the instructor swooped him up and just as he was gagging, catching his breath and begging her to stop, she released him under water again. This happened a dozen or so times (I stopped counting), and he quickly learned that he could hold his breath under water and that she would save him. When the class was over and he was lying on the towel at the side of the pool, he looked a bit traumatized. I bet he was wondering how his nice mommy could allow this to take place and how his teacher could say that he did a great job, when he cried and screamed the entire time. He was praised nonetheless and offered tattoo stamps to put on his hand. It's kinda funny when I think about it now. I bet he wanted to hurl those stamps into the deep end and say, "You gotta be kidding me, you tried to drown me and all I get is a measly hand stamp!" Not too surprisingly, he did not want me to take him to swim class the next day. He cried and pleaded with me to let him stay home. Nope, we got him to class and once again, he was dropped under water but this time he was made to save himself, by learning to float on his back. He looked incredibly miserable and cried so hard that he swallowed a lot of water and threw up. I'm surprised that another parent did not call the police on us. The teacher was calm as can be, gently praising every move. I sat smiling, cheering him on the whole time, hiding my shock and praying that this would make him stronger. Again, he was offered tattoo stamps for his hands and he grabbed those stamps like they were the best toy at the store. He gripped them for dear life and stamped several times on each hand, knowing full well that he had earned those gosh darned tattoo stamps! Day three and he pretended that he was sick. He tried so hard to convince me that he was really too sick to go to class. He couldn't fool me and once again he was tortured by his teacher, and made to go under, float on his back and this time kick under water to find the edge of the pool. Once he got himself to the side, he kept trying to get out of the pool (who could blame him), but she'd gently pull him back in. On day four, he knew that begging did not work so this time he just ran into the back yard and hid. We found him and the torture continued. On day five however, the crying stopped and he was absolutely swimming. It was amazing to see in five days, a kid that was terrified of going under water was now floating on his back, swimming to the side and going under water without panicking. Yes, it was basically the gentle and guided approach to the saying, sink or swim. He learned quickly from me and the instructor, that we believed in him. If we had stopped the class, due to his crying, we would have been teaching him that fear wins. The next several weeks, he went in and out of protesting occasionally, but his skills got stronger and the crying faded away. By the end of the third week, he was dropped into the water with a full snow suit on and he floated on his back with ease and got himself to the edge on his own. When we traveled last summer, we got to see his new skills in action. At the pools we visited, he jumped into the pools endlessly, since he had the confidence to swim to the side. He must have jumped in thousands of times last summer. His eyes were frequently so bloodshot that they looked red instead of blue, from swimming so much. He would be beaming with pride when he saw that he could keep up with the older kids. He was no longer the little guy on the stairs. You could see it in his eyes, that he felt like a big kid too. Now at age four and eight months later, he competes with his siblings to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. Sometimes he wins. At the hotel pool yesterday, he walked right up to the edge of the deep end and jumped right in. He has learned a lesson that will stick with him throughout life....that he can do anything. What a great lesson, that something that may terrify us at first can be our greatest teacher. Once my son overcame his fear, something replaced it....confidence. Something that terrifies us is meant to be conquered, not run from. I know that sometimes people retreat in fear and become afraid of risks, challenges and anything new. Instead, let fear guide you to take the plunge too and to keep going until you are no longer afraid. The hand stamp tattoo is symbolic for your reward, something that you receive after each challenge and is tattooed within....."I did it."

In Wonder

"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience"...(Ralph Waldo Emerson). The beauty and wonder of nature is majestic and often takes my breath away. I am at Niagara Falls, Canada and the spectacular beauty of the falls is overwhelming. Just being up close to the falls, you can feel the power and pull of the energy as the water cascades over the horse shoe falls. When I was younger, I had very little appreciation for the beauty in nature. I visited the falls when I was 18 years old and I remember taking in the view, being cold and wondering when lunch was. When I visited Niagara Falls last spring, I was able to finally appreciate how awe inspiring Niagara really is. Now visiting in the winter, I am reminded of the grace of the season's. The energy of Niagara is still powerful, but the ice and snow show a different side of the falls. I guess like life, we all have different sides to us and react differently in different climates and season's. I know people who absolutely come to life in the winter and thrive in the cold weather. Other's run from the cold and crave only warmer climates. I am somewhere in the middle although I think I fare best in warmer weather. Nature does take it's time to transform. Like us, day after day it shifts and changes, even if those changes are barely noticeable. By spring however, the falls will be transformed as all of the ice and snow will have melted and Niagara Falls will become an unencumbered force of energy. Reflect back to your younger years when you experienced wonders of nature. As you reflect, did you fully appreciate what you were experiencing in nature? Most of us would say, probably not. Obviously, I adore nature now. I find beauty in the trees in my back yard, the blooming flowers lining rock walls on my way to work, and of course the glory of the changing season's. I have a good eye now for noticing nature among structures like vines growing on a building, or flower boxes on a window sill. Nature is all around us, if you just start to really look and appreciate what you are seeing. With the season's and weather, I no longer judge what I am seeing, but fully respect and enjoy the shifts constantly occurring in nature. When it is raining, I value how nature is renewing itself, nurturing the soil and washing away debris. On a very hot day, I absorb the sun's rays and notice how the flowers drink in the sunlight. Even in a good windstorm, I sometimes stand in the wind to bask in the refreshing, healing air as it gusts all around me. So enjoy nature that you have in your surroundings and trek out to visit some of the natural wonders you may have missed or not fully appreciated before. "All things are artificial, for nature is the art of God"...(Thomas Browne).

The Moment

"All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else"-(Buddha). Often when we are overwhelmed with emotion, we worry about the future or obsess about the past. The present moment is really the only one that matters. Observing the past can be helpful sometimes, to learn and reflect. But the past has it's place and cannot be changed. It helps us understand how we ended up here....in the present moment. Each choice and decision created a chain of events, which brings us to now. Being in the now is not always easy however. I have noticed that I have been incredibly distracted lately. Even with meditating frequently, it has been a challenge to just be present and focused. My house goes on the market this month, along with juggling the usual parenting duties and household issues. My counseling practice has suffered from my distraction, since I can barely remember to return calls or where to begin with e-mails, texts, voicemail and scheduling issues thanks to snow and sick kids. I have even missed several client appointments due to my error in not entering things correctly into my iPhone. I am living proof that being in the moment is not always easy! In my case, I just have a million things on my mind and thus end up everywhere else than the present. In moments of clarity though, whether it is when I am admiring the full moon or noticing how beautiful the clouds look, I pull myself back into the present. Today mother nature brought everything to life with a heavy snow that has meticulously covered each and every tree branch throughout the area. It is so spectacular that even the cashier at my favorite lunch place made a comment about it. What a lesson in the beauty of nature. It reminds me of the raw and hidden essence of our souls. We hardly notice each day the unique form in each and every living thing around us, but the snow outlines and highlights how special and amazing each tree, shrub, and plant really is. I think the beauty and unique nature of our souls is similar. In a good snow or on a summers day when the sun is shining just right, we are reminded of the beauty that surrounds us and is within us all of the time. Todays snow certainly brought me back into the present moment. My kids have a great way of pulling me back into the moment too with blood curling screams and their shrieks insisting that I pay attention to them or to break up a fight. Starting today, I began my day with a mantra, "I am grounded and in the moment throughout the day." I am also going to take a little time each day in nature, just to recharge my batteries and help reinforce being in the moment. Since each moment affects the next, being in moment helps everything run more smoothly. Also, since we all affect each other, when we stay in the moment it helps those around us stay calmer or more centered. In reverse, when we are thrown off and overwhelmed, those around us feel the ripple effect of that too. All of this helps me understand Buddha's quote more profoundly. Most people are rarely in the moment as well. Often many individuals are incredibly worried about the future or ruminating about the past. Everyone can use a little reminder to come back into the present and be in the moment. Today is what is important. So, if you are finding that you are distracted as well and struggle with being in the moment, come up with your own mantra and find time each day to ground yourself. If you are surrounded by people who are stressed and affect you profoundly, it is even more imperative to find time for yourself. "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly"....(Buddha).

Valentine's Day

At every store we are inundated with reminders of the upcoming holiday, Valentine's Day. My kids have been making out their Valentine's Day cards for their classes and many of my clients are discussing their plans, frustrations and desires regarding the 14th. My 10 year old son picked out a box of cards that he thought looked cute, because they have bunnies on them. He did not bother to look at what the cards said however and neither did I. This morning, my 6 year old daughter started reading the cards out loud and I almost choked on my cereal because I was surprised and laughing so hard. Here are what his cute bunny cards say: "Looks shouldn't matter but I'm glad they do; The world is run by cute; Don't be mad just because I'm cutest; I just can't stop adorable;" and the most surprising one...."I like you even though you're dumb!" I am not joking, these are real cards, sold in the children's section with all of the other Valentine's. They should really be called, "Narcissistic Bunny cards." I'm glad that we caught this in time before my son did serious harm to the self esteem of some of the kids in his class and ended up with his first harsh lesson in crying girls, the principals office and a call home. My daughter picked out Hannah Montana cards for the girls in her class and basketball ones for the boys. The Hannah Montana cards are a bit more empowering with sayings like: "You're one in a million Valentine;" and, "Be your own star Valentine." The basketball cards are simple and to the point with a picture of a basketball star on one side and "Happy Valentine's Day" on the other. Most people have a tough time navigating through Valentine's Day. Men seem to feel pressure to buy flowers and candy. I don't blame men from rebelling against that one. There is a lot of pressure to live up to an image and both men and women get caught up in it. The whole holiday is so heavily marketed and women buy into the idea that you are only loved if you receive cards, candy, flowers, gifts, or jewelry. "According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year"...(History.com). The Greeting card association also estimates that 85% of the cards sent each year are sent by women. That is an interesting statistic. What does that statistic show about men and women? The month of February is really about love. Based on history, it seems that February has been a month with rituals and ceremonies surrounding mating, crop cycles, spring approaching, and variations of history relating to St. Valentine and how he martyred himself for love. Instead of buying into the marketed version of Valentine's Day, how about starting your own traditions. This has been my best Valentine's Day month ever. I went shopping to buy some of my favorite items for me! As I was shopping, I thought about all of the things that I love. I bought an all weather jacket for hiking, new workout clothes, a swim suit, a new book, red vines (candy), dark chocolate and an 80's CD with various artists (with songs like Rock Steady and You Don't Have to Take Your Clothes Off). This will be my new tradition, to buy some of my favorites every February to get me ready for spring. Anything I receive from anyone else will be appreciated but not expected. So make it a month of valuing yourself and finding creative ways to express your love to others. The better challenge is to take it a step further and continue the spirit of love every day and every month throughout the year. "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection"....(Buddha).

The Gift of Love

Love is an amazing feeling and comes from the very depths of our souls. When you feel love, you experience a reaction to it. When the reaction is open and loving it feels amazing, but when the reaction is guarded it suppresses love and that is not part of the gift, it is part of a distortion. You see....the saying, love can set you free is true, but you have to sort out all of the distortions first. What are those distortions? Well, those distortions are lies and defenses we have been told or decided for ourselves about love, like "love hurts." We have all been told lies since childhood about love that were wrong and based on other people's fears and distortions. Love is such a freeing emotion, but when your mind perceives it as a threat, then your mind has judged love. When you lack trust in love, have doubts or fear vulnerability, then the mind creates all types of defenses. The truth is that love is effortless and is the most joyful emotion. It is actually really easy to love someone. The fears from the mind twist things however and tell you to retreat because of old wounds. Love is not the problem, the fear of pain is. The mind builds barricades to protect, but those barricades cause more suffering. The mind actually causes the pain in it's interpretation of love. When you are free and enjoy the gift of loving yourself and eventually others, there is no more suffering. Love can teach you what your fears are. Do your wounds keep you in a cave, preventing you from sharing your love with others? If you offer love to someone and they do not give it back immediately, where does your mind go? Do you withdraw and question, "what have you done for me lately?" Do you get angry and blame, or hide and decide it is not worth the risk? Does your mind respond with, "They must not love me, because they are not giving me what I want." Those are just wounds reacting. When you love yourself, you offer love as a gift and expect nothing in return. Let your wounds teach you about your distortions. The journey is to understand your own lies about love, getting in the way of the greatest gift in life. When you love others freely, you feel honest and authentic in your emotions instead of hiding behind defenses. Remember however that others are walking around with their fears and lies about love. When you send love, their alarms may be firing off tons of warnings, based on their misperceptions and pain. People get into power struggles with themselves over love and then with everyone else. First individuals struggle with loving themselves. I keep addressing this issue over and over because it is so important. When you do not love yourself, you tell yourself many lies about how you are not worthy to receive love, or that love means pain and sacrifice. None of that is true. If you are suffering, it is because you are not loving yourself and perhaps staying in situations which reflect that. The suffering is authentic too and is trying to wake you up. Next, loving others is the over pouring of loving yourself. Change your view of love back to the beauty that it deserves. You know when you love....it is a feeling that never lies. You may lie to yourself about love, but love can never disappear. Stop suppressing, denying, distorting and fearing the power of love. It truly can transform your life, as I have discovered. Instead of requesting a box of candy for Valentine's Day, give yourself the permission to love and you too will see .....that love is the answer.

Painting Life

I had a dream last night that I was painting an ocean scene. The message in the dream was that insight is like taking out a paint brush and starting with a blank canvas, painting a picture of your life. Often people just look at themselves or the scenery around them, but rarely look deeper into what they are seeing. When you are painting or drawing, you observe every detail more carefully. You see colors, characteristics, shadows and contours that you rarely see when you glance quickly at something or someone. When you look deeper, you see so much more. When you begin looking more closely at yourself, you start seeing your life in a different light. The other observation is that the more you are willing to look at yourself, the more clearly you can see others. Several clients reminded me of this dynamic recently. As they have grown, their insight into their spouses and family members has become clearer than ever. One client asked, "How is that I could have lived with someone for so many years and knew that there were some concerns, yet somehow denied how bad it really was." That is easy to answer. It is like taking the canvas of your painting and smudging the colors together. You begin to blur the scene you had painted. Some people just paint distorted scenes altogether portraying a fantasy rather than painting reality. Everyone denies reality at some time in their lives. When you are ready to break the denial, you see the scenery with more clarity and your painting becomes more detailed. People have their own unique perspectives, thus they live in different realities. Take 20 people and sit them on a beach with a canvas and paints. Each and every painting might resemble each other, yet would be completely different. Their focus and details would vary significantly. That is absolutely true in a relationship. Two people can have absolutely opposing perspectives on the same relationship. Here is an example of opposing views in a relationship. A client said that his wife is so angry that he wants a divorce and just wants to blame him and retaliate. The angry spouse lives in her own reality. In her painting, she only sees herself. She does not see how her behavior affected the marriage and does not want to see how tense the relationship had been for years. In her painting, the details reflected a distorted reality, no matter how many times reality tried to tell her otherwise. So many people live in this type of denial. Also, if people have narcissistic wounds from childhood, they really deny how their behavior affects their relationships in any way. They often become vengeful, spreading lies about the spouse who dares to leave the relationship. They have to justify their rage....so they blame. The big problem is when the angry person begins recruiting anybody who will listen which only reinforces their distorted reality. They show their painting around town, telling everyone how the title wave came out of the blue and how the "other" who caused the wave is awful. This is why the more insightful you can be about your feelings and your own behavior, the more vivid and clear your painting can become. In fact, the beauty of life is that we can all start again with a blank canvas and recreate our lives and thus our paintings. Life is an ever changing experience and with a stroke of the brush and a keen eye for seeing things in life we never noticed before, we can paint our lives in a new direction. "A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience"...(Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.).

I'm Too Sexy

I just love the song, I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. That song is pretty funny as it speaks about our society's view of sexy. The image the media sells of sexy is a marketing and PR campaign of half dressed models, perfume, make-up and material things. Men are sold as sexy when they have power and money. Women are sold as sexy with images of minimal clothing and how she looks. Sexy is really about a feeling. When a person genuinely feels good about themselves, that is sexy. Anyone can fake it by wearing the clothes sold as "sexy" but then they are just marketing themselves. Anyone can sell an image, but is that really sexy? Sure it may temporarily impress, but it's not authentic. The journey of feeling sexy is about being confident, self-assured and empowered. The more you feel good about who you are, the sexier that looks and feels. Feeling good by the way, may come with insecurities, but that's sexy. The journey is about exposing one's vulnerabilities and saying "hey, I like myself anyway." It's also about not being so afraid about what others think. We are human and thus we all have insecurities....the journey is to embrace those insecurities and to accept your flaws. Sexy needs to be redefined. It is about being yourself, not prescribing to an image. In my 20's, I bought into the sexy image and wore way too much make-up, wore really tight, short skirts and felt like a complete fraud. I felt like I could never match the image and hated the pressure I felt to look the part. The journey for me has been to discover who I really was, under the mask. Now I try to help men and women of all ages navigate the pressures society, spouses, family, themselves have put on them to live up to an image. The image is fake and needs to fall away. Under the facades is the real, sexy you waiting to be discovered. Feeling sexy is just feeling good in your own skin. When you feel good you treat yourself better, eat better, exercise and take time for yourself. Those things are sexy. Also, when you start treating yourself better, you automatically begin to feel more confident. "Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part"....(Aimee Mullins). "Any piece of clothing can be sexy, with a quietly passionate woman inside it"...(Anonymous). I wonder what Buddha would have said about feeling sexy. Maybe something like....."sexiness comes from within. Do not seek it without." Perhaps he would have also said, "What you think you become. If you think you are sexy, you are." Some of my female clients say that the sexiest man is one who is confident, attentive and holds the door open for her. Men say that a sexy woman is someone who is self assured, smiles, and is not afraid to be herself. Despite the media view, many of the men I counsel are not hung up on the size of a woman or looks, it is more about how she carries herself and the ability for her to show her passionate, sensual side. This month, allow yourself to feel your best. There is nothing sexier than just feeling great about yourself.....it is the best Valentine's Day present you can gift yourself.

Sacred Sex

I am reading the book Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. It is a very insightful story about sex, love, relationships and finding yourself. Who doesn't like a good story with very sexual content. During this month of St. Valentine's Day it seems appropriate to address issues relating to sex. I have counseled many individuals and couples and sex is a very common issue. How can you discuss relationships without addressing sex. Sex is like whipping up a batch of cookie dough, using the standard ingredients such as flour, sugar and eggs. Kinda plain and simple, but temporarily satisfies the sweet tooth. Sacred sex however should be like making gourmet cookies....caring about the ingredients you use, mixing it with care and adding special ingredients like chocolate chips, oatmeal and sprinkles. When it comes to sex, what do men talk about? The bottom line is not surprising....they always want more! They seem to think about it every day and are often more than willing to drop everything to have sex. They often complain that their partners are too much into routine about sex and that their sex drives rarely match up. Men want more spontaneity and surprise in their sex lives as well as partners that "want" to have sex. Many men I have counseled are less than thrilled when their partners go through the motions. Sure, most are just happy to have regular sex, but they do not want their partners to lay there like a sack of potatoes. One man joked that he felt like leaving money on the night stand after sex with his wife, because it felt like she was performing a "duty" rather than sincerely engaging in sex. Often men put up with substandard sex lives because they do not know how to engage their partners into a much needed discussion. They also complain when their partners do not shower, groom and overall care about how they feel and look before sex. Remember, men are very visual creatures. Okay, women have a lot to say as well about sex. Women's biggest complaint is that they want more non-sexual physical attention such as back rubs, kissing, caressing and that it should not always have to lead to sex. Women also connect their emotions to sex, so if they feel that their partner has been emotionally inattentive, they feel much less willing to agree to sex. Women may think about sex often as well, but at the end of the day when they are exhausted, they often lack the energy to feel sexual. Women complain endlessly about their partners being lazy lovers and not doing enough to seduce them or keep them happy in the bedroom. Women also put up with substandard sex because they are afraid of bruising their partners ego's or just simply don't know what they really want. Women also start holding back sex when they are angry at their partners and the bedroom becomes a source of tension, pressure and arguments. Here are some warnings for couples. When a partner refuses to kiss at all during sex, wants to get it over with or avoids sex completely, you now have a crisis which needs to be addressed. When those warning signs occur there has been an undercurrent of unresolved issues and power struggles in the relationship which have been avoided. Couples need to talk about sex and begin understanding what each other needs. If people refuse to address what each other need, the relationship will inevitably fall apart or become very dysfunctional. If sex has gotten off track in a relationship, stop having it for a month, have some discussions about it and slowly introduce it back onto the relationship, changing the dance and trying new approaches with each other. If sex is relatively healthy, add some spice to the relationship anyway by flirting and becoming more spontaneous. Here is the number one tip for men....Women take longer to arouse, so generally tend to her needs first. Men should hold back their secret ingredient until she is practically begging for it. Number one tip for women....Women need to get more in touch with their bodies and guide men in what they want. If you do not know your own body, then how is your lover suppose to know how to please you? Overall, men do want to please their partners in bed and await your encouragement and guidance. Women should allow their sexual selves to emerge. When women work on this in their lives, they feel more empowered and confident sexually. Women want more emotional closeness with their partners so men need to find more ways to express their emotions outside of the bedroom. Often men tell me that sex is one way they feel close to their partners. Couples need to encourage each other to connect more to their feelings in general and allow intimacy in non-sexual ways. Couples should wait to have sex until both feel in the mood so that the sexual connection between them is mutual and fulfilling. Sex is a form of communication and not all about the actual act of sex. Sensual feelings can and should be stirred up outside the bedroom through playfulness, flirting and laughing together. Put the sacred back into sex by putting more energy, awareness and attentiveness into the relationship which will transform your sex life. "Anyone who is in love is making love the whole time, even when they're not. When two bodies meet, it is just the cup overflowing. They can stay together for hours, even days. They begin the dance one day and finish it the next, or--such is the pleasure they experience--they may never finish it. No eleven minutes for them."— Paulo Coelho (Eleven Minutes: A Novel)

Waking Up Desire

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything"...(Napoleon Hill). How can you possibly appreciate the magic of desire occurring in life if you have not gone through the motions of complacency and stagnation. When unexpected desire occurs, it wakes you up to the wonder of life beyond routines, roles and responsibilities. Desire is an emotion rooted in the soul and is the souls way of connecting to the deeper meaning in life. When you have a desire for something, someone or to reach some goal, it is the flame of the soul lighting the way. It drives and attracts the individual toward what is desires. It is like a magnetic pull that propels one toward their destiny. Once desire is ignited, the person's internal remote can lower the flame out of fear or heighten the flame out of curiosity and will but the flame can never be denied, even if one chooses to resist the calling. On your journey, you may recall when desire was ignited in your soul. One client always had a desire to sing. She could have resisted the desire and attempted to squash the desire, but the more she tried to deny her feelings, the more dead she felt inside. Finally, she fanned the flames and allowed herself to reach for her desired goal. She took singing lessons, sang at local clubs and taught music at a youth center. It meant hard work, sacrifice and upsetting her husband, but she did it anyway. As she worked toward her goal, she came back to life and eventually her husband supported her decision. When desire is present it pushes the individual forward. Here are some great quotes about desire. "The waves of desire in the world-ocean are intoxicating wine"....(Sri Guru Granth Sahib). "Desire is a powerful force that can be used to make things happen"...(Marcia Wieder). "The first principle of success is desire - knowing what you want. Desire is the planting of your seed"...(Robert Collier). "Desire is the very essence of man"...(Benedict Spinoza). "Those who restrain Desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained"...(William Blake). Desire in relationships draw the individuals toward each other. When two people desire each other the intensity is twofold, magnifying their soul connection. Even when groups of people desire to collaborate, they are unfolding the power of their destiny to accomplish a goal together. An example of this is when musicians worked together to create the song "We Are The World." When people ignite their desire, whether individually or together, the energy is magnified and intense attracting whomever and whatever is needed to accomplish their goal. Desire and love are especially powerful when they are combined and can propel you toward the future of your dreams. So let yourself desire and watch in awe as it works it's magic in your life.