Coast to Coast

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"...(Henry Ellis). When I moved from California to New York City almost 20 years ago, I was starting a new adventure in my life. My car went into storage along with the contents of my apartment and I embarked on the trip across country with one suitcase and lots of dreams of what it would be like living in New York City. My first job in Manhattan was at a video store called Champagne Video. I was a glorified assistant manager, meaning I had the title on my name tag but essentially I was a clerk and cashier. I've always loved movies, so working at a video store was a great job to just make some money while enjoying NYC. Yeah, there was some pressure to make something of my life but I needed to find myself first. I was just so excited to be living in a city and state so far away from where I grew up. That was a life lesson in itself. I've met so many people who have never ventured too far from where they were born. There is something freeing about experiencing life outside the safety of where you've grown up. The first year in a new place is an adjustment. I made new friends, took art and drama classes just for fun and spent a lot of time by myself hanging out around the city. Looking back, I kinda felt like the main character in the book "The Alchemist." I had left the safety of what I had known to head into the unknown. That first year in NYC, I had to confront my own insecurities, fears and doubts. While I felt judged by others, I had to face that the only reason I was so aware of other people's perceptions was because I was my own toughest critic. The friends I made were equally hard on themselves. There was this undercurrent of pressure we all felt to somehow "have it all together" yet none of us really had it together. Some were just better at pretending than others. That theme has never shifted. The pressure to have it together in your 20's just transformed into careers, marriage and kids as time marched on. Now that I am in my 40's, I observe more people allowing the facades to crumble. I know that I grew tired of pretending. What I learned the most from moving so far away from where I grew up was to allow myself to break out of who I thought I was to become what I always wanted to be. Who we think we are is usually based on old perceptions and other people's expectations. When we break out, we shake loose those old restrictive labels and allow ourselves to evolve into who we want to be, not who we think we should be. I lived too many years living my life based on who I thought I should be until I just couldn't do it anymore. What I have learned about myself is that even when I was pretending, my heart was always ready to guide me. I just had to start listening. I'm listening now and so incredibly grateful for learning the toughest lesson of all, the repercussions of turning my back on my strongest attribute, my heart. My journey is heading in a new direction as I now plan a move from East to West. The twenty year journey to find my way back to the essence of who I am has been illuminating and rewarding. Like in "The Alcemist," the journey has been my reward and has helped me grow into the person I am today. Now I will proudly yell, "I don't have it all together!" I'm just me....taking life one day at a time, learning, growing and sharing this journey with some very special souls. "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better"....(Ralph Waldo Emerson). "Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist"..
(Karen Horney).