Falling to Pieces

"A good puzzle, it's a fair thing. Nobody is lying. It's very clear, and the problem depends just on you"...(Erno Rubik). "Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spent the rest of the day putting the pieces together"...(Ray Bradbury). I was back in Connecticut for a week and it felt so good to be back on the East Coast for a visit....mostly a working visit. I am now on the plane heading back to California reflecting about my week. An act of god as they call it (due to severe thunder storms), prevented my plane from landing in Newark on the way to Connecticut, so we had to detour to Syracuse to refuel. Thanks to the detour, I missed my connecting flight to Hartford, Connecticut. Many passengers, including myself were stranded in Newark overnight. "No worries," I thought to myself, I'll get a room and head out the next morning. Now, that sounds simple but some passengers were stressed beyond belief about this happening to them. Sure, it was an inconvenience, but after texting clients to rearrange my schedule, I just settled in to finding a room for the night. I found one at a not so nice hotel but for $59 bucks, I had a place to sleep for four hours. I met some nice people while waiting for the hotel shuttle and got to see a part of Newark that I'd never seen before. The point is, you can fight the inevitable or make it an adventure. Once I landed in Connecticut, I was in a bit of a hurry to grab Starbuck's, shower and head to the office to see approximately 7 clients non-stop. I was absolutely giddy being back in Connecticut. The last time I was in Connecticut back in July, I had the weight of the move on my shoulder's and quite frankly, I couldn't get out of the state fast enough. At that time, I just wanted to get my life moved to the West Coast. Now, with my feet and family firmly planted in California, I could breathe easy in Connecticut and just enjoy being back. I was able to have some wine with friends after long days at the office. It felt great being back. My transition is now complete and I feel like a new person. Often songs help to inspire some of my articles. When I was in the hotel shuttle after my detour, the song " Falling To Pieces" came on. I had never heard it before, but the lyrics caught my attention immediately. The next day, after a long day at the office, the song was playing again when I walked into a friends house. I downloaded the song and the lyrics are about a guy finding out that his wife or girlfriend had been cheating on him, thus he is falling to pieces. The song reminds us that heartbreak and devastation is not fair and there is no balance when it comes to relationships. The line in the song says, "when a heart breaks...no it don't break even...I'm falling to pieces." After seeing many clients for many years, people come to me after devastating things happen that crumble the very foundation they had been teetering on. Often though, the foundation they had been clinging to needed to fall away. It is upsetting nonetheless and the person is left with picking up the pieces. My own journey the past several years was about allowing myself to fall to pieces to allow a much needed transformation. Like the poem in my last article, in honoring my soul, I had to bravely face hurting others along the way. Now as everyone is moving forward, all of our pieces have been reassembled and put back together, better and stronger than ever. Now while in Connecticut, I can smile with a sense of accomplishment that life truly does astonish us sometimes. Pieces of us truly get scattered from crisis and heartbreak as well as through our lives, with every compromise, denial and avoidance we participate in. The journey today and always is to put the pieces back together, in the order and assembly that stays true to our heart's desires. "As a child our dreams got scattered all about and all our future prospects got scattered to so many places, and we spend our lives trying to find the little pieces that make up our lives and make up the dreams that we had as a child that got blown away in the windstorm"...(Terrence Howard).

The Invitation

This poem was given to me today and was wrtitten by: Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder. It is beautifully written and truly expresses the essence of love and partnership.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by its betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, "Yes!" It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children. It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Light Up The Sky

"If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, it's OK. But you've got to shoot for something. A lot of people don't even shoot"...(Confucius). Today marks the one year anniversary of when I started my blog. One year ago, I started the blog off with a reference to "Life is a Hike." Wow, what a hike it's been over the past year. It was like hiking Mount Everest I suppose. There were certainly days it felt like it! Over the past year, I've been tested on every level and to the depths of my soul. There were days that I rested, took stock, cried and tried to gather the energy to keep going. On other days, I enjoyed the view, felt the sun beaming down on me and basked in every step I took. Sometimes I smelled the flowers and waved to other hikers I passed on the trail. There were moments though, that I had my sun glasses on, trying to hide the tears streaming down my face. There were days when I could not see the trail ahead of me and I wondered if I was going the right direction. On those days, I had to rely on faith and trust more than ever, but I kept going. On some days, I wondered if I'd ever reach the top. I'd have a chat with god on those days...and I would get some message of hope, inspiring me to press on. The moon and stars illuminated the way on the dark nights and on the rainy, gloomy days...I relied on instinct. The sun would eventually come back out however, welcoming me with open arms, illuminating the path before me once more. There were times the trail felt easy and other times it felt impossible, but I kept going. Here I am now, sitting at the top of the peak I've climbed over the past year. I am enjoying the view and of course relishing every bite of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My blog has been a way to process all of my feelings and discoveries along the trail of life. I felt absolutely divinely inspired to share my journey, like a personal letter to a soulmate. I had to reach out in a way that illuminated who I am today and who I am growing in to. If along my trail, I have been able to encourage or inspire other hikers to keep going, then I have taken my journey to new heights. As I've always said, there is nothing more profound and fulfilling than sharing your journey with others and helping them along the way. I have pondered the issue of love over the past year and have reflected so much about who I am in the process. I have learned to really acknowledge my strengths as well as my shortcomings. We are all working on ourselves along the trail of life. In pondering love, I see others much more clearly and have learned to really love people for their strengths and shortcomings too. Love truly lights the way if we allow it to. My dreams are where my blog was born. Dreams are like the moon at night, so mysterious and powerful. Sometimes we cannot see the moon, but it's there.....just like love, waiting to be discovered. Interesting to note that while at the gym tonight, as I was at the pool, staring at the moon...a fellow swimmer shared with me that September 21st is the Chinese celebration of the new moon which traditionally includes a sumptuous dinner followed by round moon cakes. I will celebrate the moon today and toast it with a glass of wine and a tasty piece of cake. The moon reminds me of the mystery of life and love and of all that is waiting to be illuminated. "The faults of a superior person are like the sun and moon. They have their faults, and everyone sees them; they change and everyone looks up to them"...(Confucius). "For most people, we often marvel at the beauty of a sunrise or the magnificence of a full moon, but it is impossible to fathom the magnitude of the universe that surrounds us"...(Richard H. Baker).

The Gift

“Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third”....(Marge Piercy). Today is my birthday and it has been a wonderful day of reflections over the past and wishes for the future. Twenty years ago on my birthday right before moving to the East Coast, I remember going through a similar transition. Twenty years ago though, I was a lot more confused about love and even more confused about the direction of my life. I remember back then, being optimistic about my future but feeling downright confused about the messages my heart was giving me. I started to seriously question the validity of feelings and as I made the move to the East, I decided to tune more into my head than my heart. I also seriously questioned the authenticity of love and again, began to tune more into the rational. My greatest strength, my heart, started to become neglected. Love had hurt way too much and it just seemed wiser to start playing it safe. Many people with broken hearts have made the same error. My twenty year cycle has brought me full circle, back to Southern California and back to facing all of the choices I made over the past twenty years. I have learned so much and I'm glad that I now truly listen to my heart again. I have grown in countless ways over the past years and with increased confidence and awareness, I can now navigate my future, allowing my heart to lead the way. Loving people is an amazing feeling and even with the potential of hurt, I will choose loving over playing it safe any day. I try to bring kindness and attention to all of my relationships now. Others may not always follow the same guidelines but I choose to send love anyway, because it just feels right. In fact, I've heard people say things like, "I think I enjoy pain" which saddens me really. I find the biggest problem is that people are afraid to feel good. Many people I have counseled or known, feel as if life has to be hard or that they do not deserve to be happy. If you think it has to be difficult, then it is. Your wish is your command after all. Why do so many people stop listening to their hearts and choose pain over freedom? It's just as easy to switch your thinking to, "I attract bliss." Think how much happier people would be if they allowed bliss instead of pain. Children seem to know this. They play, laugh and play some more. That same sense of joy can be experienced as an adult too, if more grown ups just remembered that the spontaneity and freedom of childhood is always within, waiting to be reawakened. The movie, "Big" comes to mind, when the boy becomes the man and he brings such playfulness and laughter to being an adult. Why does being an adult mean having to be so serious and why is suffering ever necessary? Once the lessons have been learned, any extra pain and suffering is just self abuse and absolute fear of allowing life to feel good. Life offers all of us the opportunity to be whatever we choose it to be. If you are in pain, then you have to ask yourself why you are choosing pain over pleasure, fear over freedom. The choice is yours. Each new day offers an opportunity to reflect about how your past brought you to today and where you want your choices today to lead you in the future. Do you choose a future of happiness or one of more pain? The decisions you make today make the difference. I choose bliss as I make my birthday wishes today.....and everyday. The little girl in me has a heart beaming brighter than ever and as I blow out my birthday candles, I send heartfelt wishes to all of those nearest and dearest to me. “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained”...(C.S. Lewis). “Love is, above all, the gift of oneself”....(Jean Anouilh).

Love is Here

Love all, trust a few"...(William Shakespeare). In my dreams last night...the theme was about how ultimately our journey is ours alone and in that aloneness we can ultimately discover love. I felt very alone during my childhood and had a difficult time internalizing a sense of security and of feeling loved. According to Erickson's stages of psychological development, children develop a sense of trust versus mistrust during the first 18 months of life. The idea is that if trust is not firmly established, the individual struggles with issues of trust until they can master that lesson. Ideally, once individuals master trust, they can move on to other levels of development. Often many people struggle with issues of trust regardless of how secure and loving a family may have been. The lesson for all of us is to internalize a sense of love and trust. People often fear being alone because they will have to face their deep seated feelings of aloneness and insecurities. In fact, people will often cling to unhealthy relationships, excessive television, internet, drugs and alcohol or other distractions, to keep from feeling and facing aloneness. When you can internalize a firm sense of identity and security in being alone, love of self and others can then blossom. I am amazed at how many people cannot even spend any time alone, even to attend a movie or eat a meal at a restaurant. Although I have always been able to do things alone...my lesson was to establish a deep sense of security. Again, even with the most supportive families, everyone has to face aloneness at some point in their lives, otherwise they are perpetually running in circles trying to avoid feeling alone. It is in truly being alone, one can really get to know yourself profoundly. When you are alone, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge begins to surface. In being alone, everything that you have disowned begins to become illuminated. We begin to truly know ourselves, to see ourselves more clearly and to see the genuine. It is something that has to be experienced. I never feel alone when I am by myself. In being alone, I have also internalized a deep sense of trust in myself and life. I may still be hurt by others, but I honor my journey of feeling and in taking numerous chances in the name of love. Love is now here, with me always. I am not looking for it outwardly, I am emanating it in everything that I am. I do not curse my choices or my journey....my path from birth to this very point in my life has been a journey of ups and downs and it makes me who I am today. I happen to love who I am today, so how can I regret a single thing that has ever happened in my life. So embrace who you are completely but don't forget to forgive yourself along the way. It's difficult if not impossible to embrace love, if you are hiding behind self sabotage and self defeating behaviors. “This is the true measure of love: When we believe that we alone can love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one will ever love in the same way after us”....(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe).

Brand New Day

I still marvel at how much my life has changed in a year. One of the biggest lessons I have learned the past year is to hold on loosely to everything in life. You cannot cling to anything or even deceive yourself to think that ultimately you have any real control. We can all manage how we react and perceive things, but control....that is a self delusion to try to control things or people. The past year has illuminated all of my self delusions and denials that I had been clinging to. I see myself and life so differently now. I remember when I moved into my big house in Connecticut a little over five years ago. The girl born in Inglewood, California had gotten the American dream, granite counter tops and all. Then with each year, the facade started to crumble. I had to slowly acknowledge that I had been unhappy for years. I realized that I had to face my own pretenses and decide if the facade was more important than truly being happy. It was a decision I had to make. My inner self was crying, lonely and struggling with major life decisions. I did not want to cause hurt to anyone else...but in preserving the status quo, I was dying inside. I also realize now, how I had been on a never ending treadmill, not even recognizing how blind I was to the life I had been leading. I buried myself in work, seeing too many clients and avoiding the pain in my home life. I look back now and cannot believe how much I worked....somewhat avoiding facing the real issues in my life. The moment it all caught up with me was when I fell (passed out) on the pavement in front of my office, a little over three years ago. That moment was my awakening. I passed out because of low blood sugar and low blood pressure. The bottom line was that I had been on automatic pilot, taking care of everyone except myself. I vowed to take my life back from that moment on. "Let the chips fall," as they say...because as I began to take care of myself, emotionally and physically, my personal life began to unravel. It is amazing how long we can delude ourselves and keep busy with superficial stuff, just to avoid facing our emotions. I had avoided for way too long. My life is so incredibly different now. My house is a mess, I have tons of boxes to unpack, pictures to hang, piles of laundry and a million errands to run...but it's okay. When I moved in to my previous houses, all I could focus on was how things looked and how to decorate each room. Now I want to live life. The way the house looks is not nearly as important as the quality of how I live my life. Of course I still want things to look nice, but I'm not preoccupied with focusing on the external anymore. The internal me is much more important than whether I need to vacuum or not. It will all get done in the end. The new me bought season passes to Disneyland so that the kids and I can experience magic whenever we want. The heck with a clean house, I'd rather go play. I live life one day at a time now, enjoying whatever life has for me each and every moment. It is truly a new day and with that said, I am grateful for the opportunity to see life and myself from a renewed perspective. "With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts"...(Eleanor Roosevelt).

Surrender

"All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling"...(Blaise Pascal). I stumbled on a U2 song tonight that I had never heard before. It is a truly moving song about an awakening of sorts. He talks about having lost himself and needing to surrender to find himself again. It is through our darkest times and through our pain that we begin to find our way back to us. It could also be related to spirituality as well and surrendering to god. He also speaks of hope...hoping that love believes in him. Hope, faith, trust and letting go are essential in becoming all that we are meant to be. When we fight the process, staying mired down in stagnation and confusion, more pain is certainly to follow. I found some beautiful quotes about surrender which portray the essential necessity sometimes in life to let go of the facades, of fear, of control to allow destiny to reveal itself. "A man may be in as just possession of truth as of a city, and yet be forced to surrender"...(Thomas Browne). "A wise unselfishness is not a surrender of yourself to the wishes of anyone, but only to the best discoverable course of action"...(David Seabury). "All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take"...(Mohandas Gandhi). "Art is nothing but the expression of our dream; the more we surrender to it the closer we get to the inner truth of things, our dream-life, the true life that scorns questions and does not see them"...(Franz Marc). "Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual"...(Octavio Paz). I especially like the last quote because it ties into my continued theme that giving love is an unselfish act, a gift you give someone...but in relationships, both people have to give that to each other, otherwise the relationship will not succeed. Like anything in life, one must heed the signs of when it is time to surrender to your deepest feelings and no longer allow self punishment, fear or other people stop you from following your heart. Many people will offer their fear based advise, but often they have not been following their hearts as well. I will never forget the moment I surrendered to letting go of my own inner critic, the part of me that had been dictating my decisions and allowing other peoples perceptions to influence me. The healthy me had been screaming to be unleashed.....and once I surrendered, I began to emerge again, stronger than ever. I had to surrender to trust the inner me, as irrational as it felt. I ultimately had to honor the unseen. As the line says in the song~ "vision over visibility," meaning surrendering to one's inner truth. One should never surrender one's dreams however, for that is the fruit of life....our unconscious and conscious longings which offer us the opportunity to attract everything we desire. It all goes back to feelings. Surrender to allowing your hopes and dreams to ignite a fire within you. Allow your feelings to reveal to you, your deepest yearnings for a passion filled life and you will see too, that life can offer so much amazement if you surrender to the process.



Moment Of Surrender lyrics: U2

I tied myself with wire
To let the horses roam free
Playing with the fire
Until the fire played with me

The stone was semi-precious
We were barely conscious
Two souls too smart to be
In the realm of certainty
Even on our wedding day

We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It’s not if I believe in love
If love believes in me
Oh, believe in me

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down ’til the pain would stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me