Indecision

I just love the 80's song by Oran "Juice" Jones, The Rain. The song still makes me laugh. Basically, the song is about finding out that his girlfriend has been cheating on him. He doesn't beg her to stay or make excuses, he just ends the relationship. He confronts her when she gets home and breaks up with her. He does not take it too personally (he's hurt of course), but he just calls it like it is...that the relationship needs to end. So many people just make excuses and extend the pain in bad relationships, rather than dealing with an ending once someone has been discovered cheating. Once cheating has occurred, the relationship is basically over unless some serious work can be done in the relationship to rebuild the trust. It is not an easy process. I also understand so profoundly why people cheat. I've witnessed it countless times in therapy. People have such a hard time ending relationships and owning how they really feel. It is very difficult ending a relationship, so it seems easier when you are angry at each other. Also, people make excuses, like "he's nice and doesn't beat me, so I should be happy." You can "should" yourself to death but you just can't make yourself feel something that you don't. The body doesn't lie, so if you've fallen out of love with someone, your body will tell you by avoiding contact with your partner. The mind can make up all types of rationalizations and lies but the body really never lies! Think about that. Have you ever tried kissing someone, that you are angry with? I have also observed people heading straight into denial after cheating has been discovered. The relationship tries to recover some balance, but resentments and anger just become the new foundation. Once in a great while couples can uncover the underlying issues as to why someone cheated and with continued commitment and love lighting the way, a couple can come out the other side, stronger than ever. It's rare, but it can happen if both partners have a heart connection and are committed to rebuilding their relationship. I have also seen such indecision in relationships. People will put up with less than civil behavior and call it normal. People tolerate such bad behaviors that they begin to feel grateful if their partner makes them a sandwich. Why are people so afraid. Love and respect should be the template in a relationship. Being occasionally nice, but still lacking in love and respect does not make for a strong relationship. More often than not, people stay in bad relationships because of finances and because they fear disrupting their children's lives. Seems to me, that even though we are more insightful as a society, people are absolutely terrified to cause any pain for their children. People staying in bad relationships cause pain to children. It's just spread out over years. Children thrive when they know they are loved by their parents, whether their parents are together or apart. Divorces affect them, but disconnected, miserable parents affect them too. We need to give our children tools to recover from losses. We cannot shelter them from loss, pain and change. It is just not possible. With psychology more mainstreamed, people are learning great tools and understanding more profoundly how their behaviors affect their children. The flip side of that is that people are worried if their children show any signs of distress and upset. Denial is not healthy, neither is fear of emotions. There really are no easy answers when it comes to unhappy partnerships, which is probably why so many people remain stuck in relationship limbo, with one foot in the door and the other outside the door. Leaving a partnership may be one of the toughest decisions one ever has to face, especially when children are involved. Staying in an unhappy marriage is hard and leaving is hard. The decision comes down to honestly facing, when staying becomes more painful than leaving. “Indecision is the seedling of fear"...(Napoleon Hill). “Then indecision brings its own delays, And days are lost lamenting o'er lost days. Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute; What you can do, or dream you can, begin it; Boldness has genius, power and magic in it"....(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe). Embrace the tough decisions you've been avoiding and face them boldly.