Hills and Valleys

It's hard to sleep, although I know I need sleep more than ever. It's been one week since I received the phone call that turned my life upside down. When I saw the podiatrist this past week, who had misdiagnosed me, he seemed pretty cavalier about making an error in not ever taking a biopsy. His attitude was more like an oops, it's rarely ever anything attitude. Well rarely isn't the answer I needed because as it turns out, I have a rare bad ass cancer and it sure would have been nice if he had taken a biopsy a year and a half earlier because living with a growing tumor, definitely put my life at increased risk. 

The oncologist I saw was clueless and wanted to put me on the hardest core chemo out there. That may be in the cards, but I want a specialist to help me decide my future. I'm now 

in the synovial sarcoma club I guess. I didn't even know one existed, but I have now discovered Facebook groups that offer support for my kind, so I don't feel as alone in this. I had no idea about synovial sarcoma before one week ago, and sadly it usually strikes Kids and young adults. I'm glad it's me and not one of my kids going thru this. 

I'm thankful for my camp, keeping me distracted right now, otherwise I'm sure I would be crying and worrying endlessly and unable to function. I don't know how I'm getting things done. My brain isn't thinking properly and I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm forging ahead though, and even though my house is a mess, I'm getting thru each day. Friends and some family have been sending love and prayers and I truly feel grateful for those giving me support right now.

I had a PET scan today if my entire body. I pray the cancer has not spread beyond my foot. The PET scan is interesting. You lay on this moving narrow bed that jets you into a tube. You are wrapped up like a mummy with your arms crossed over your chest. It was kind of comforting, like being a baby wrapped tightly, swaddled in a blanket. They had country music playing in the background, which oddly was soothing as well and seems appropriate. I feel like my life is like a country song lately, with lyrics like "my boyfriend left me, he moved out in the night, my cancer taunts me but I know I gotta fight it." Oh yeah, did I forget to mention my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years moved out? Yeah, like I said, this past week surely takes the cake! I do feel like a diagnosis like this wakes you up. Life will forever seem even more precious to me. I knew it was valuable before, but now that I'm faced with mortality, I pray every day for more time. 

The feelings I've had over this past week? Confusion, shock, worry, sadness, pain, joy, comfort, and love. I've cried more tears in a week than I've shed in years. I've watched people disappoint me as they walked away from me and watched others run toward me to help. I've seen the best and the worse in people I thought were in my inner circle. Some are now forever out of my inner circle. I feel like I've had some highs, like being on top of a hill or mountain and I feel like I've had many lows, like being down in the Valley. I will forge forward. I may have to drag myself out of bed, use humor to make the best of an awful situation and fake it until I make it, but I will fight with every breath I have. There is way too much to do yet, like hike Mt Marcy in New York with my kids, even if I have to hike it with a prosthetic leg! This synovial sarcoma journey has just begun, so I better buckle up because it's going to be a bumpy ride.