Upside Down

I arrived at my moms in Lake Havasu, with my three kids in tow, and the 115 degree temps make you want to jump right into their pool. My kids ran to get their suits on and did just that, but I hesitated, since I had foot surgery several weeks earlier and had not received clearance from my doctor yet to get my sutures wet. This was a Friday, and my appointment to have my stitches removed was the following Monday, so perhaps the doctor would give me the thumbs up. My foot had a lump removed that had been a pure annoyance over the past year or two. The doctor had assured me it had been a cyst or a lipoma, both very safe and benign conditions. I had only been at my moms for approximately 10 Minutes before grabbing my phone to consult with my doctors office. When they picked up, I asked the nurse to just ask my doctor if I could swim and my doctor was on the phone immediately. Before I could ask him about swimming, he explained that the hospital had been trying to reach me. My pathology report had come in and he hated to tell me this on the phone, but my tumor was not benign, it was malignant. A wave of sickness took me over, and of course tears started streaming down my face before I could fully comprehend what he was saying. He told me I had an appointment with oncology the next week. He also went on to tell me that my tumor was quite serious. These are words nobody ever wants to hear in a lifetime in the same sentence about themselves, "tumor, serious, malignant, and oncology!" I was crying hysterically by the time I got off the phone. I cannot even begin to describe how that feels. It's horrible. After explaining to my parents, I had to explain to my kids, the unexplainable. After a tearful weekend, lots of hugs, and listening endlessly to spiritual music to lift my spirits, I went in Monday to see my doctor and get some clarity on the situation. 

My podiatrist was sorry and he couldn't quite explain why he had never even considered getting my foot biopsied. The best he could explain is that nothing serious ever enters the foot. Out of all malignant tumors, less than 1% are in the foot!! It still didn't comfort me. In addition, the tumor in my foot is a very rare type of tumor called a Synovial Sarcoma. Once again, I was left to digest unfathomable information, that I had a malignant tumor, it was removed but the margins were not clear and thus deadly cells were left in my foot, and these abnormal cells are a very rare type. Wonderful. "Where do I go from here,'" I wondered! 

My oncology appointment was the following day, so I knew that the meat of the information would be given the next day. Here's where my mind went.. I will be getting an amputation of my foot and I'll be very lucky and consider it a miracle if my cancer has not spread to any other parts of my body. I'm not generally a practical person in a time of distress but this time, something was different. When your life is at stake, you start to realize that an expendable body part might just be a price worth paying. I love to hike, and I'm on my feet constantly, but the thought about giving up my foot seems like an easy decision if it saves my life. I haven't even met with a specialist yet, and I'm preparing myself with the hard facts of my situation. Life or limb? I choose life! I combed the internet that night looking for other people in the same predicament and other stories seemed even worse. Some people have tumors in places that are inoperable and can't even make that choice. They had to go with horrendous amounts of radiation and chemo, so much so that they often felt like dying. You don't truly understand how many people are suffering until you find yourself in the same boat or unless someone close to you is going thru it. The one thing I can say is since receiving the news that I have cancer, every hug with my kids seems more precious and every good friend seems more priceless. It's interesting how crisis does that to us, it brings gratitude into full perspective and every breathe is truly a gift. 

Its strange how your life can change with one phone call. I went from planning my summer, deciding on where to take the kids and planning the summer camp I run. 5 days later, I'm planning on turning a kids bedroom into a dual spare bedroom with a double bed, so that family and friends have a place to sleep when they come see me, because I may not be able to care for my kids while undergoing treatments. Its a bizarre feeling, to literally go from thinking time is endless, to praying to god for a little more time.