Breathe

I can't seem to sleep past 5:00am every day. Usually, I wake up around 2:30am and the toss and turn for awhile, then sleep on and off. My body, mind, emotions are clearly in a fight or flight state, and I just feel on alert 24/7. Some days, I start to shiver, no matter what the temperatures are and I know that I am just in shock. One day, I truly felt comatose for about an hour, I couldn't feel anything and honestly, I could barely move. Then the tears came, and I cried hysterically which actually felt like a relief after feeling nothing (which kinda scared me). It scared my kids too. My daughter Taylor said, "Mom, please cry...I'm not use to you feeling nothing!" Emotions are what I've built my career on, so I know my emotions and the breakdown of emotions very well. As a therapist, I help others cope through their difficulties, but now I find myself in the midst of tornado of challenges after being diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma, a very rare form of cancer. I still cannot believe my boyfriend moved out. The thought of handling the household, and my three kids during this health crisis, feels daunting. Last night was the first night in a week that I didn't cry myself to sleep. Progress? No, I think I'm just starting to get angry now. I seem to cry randomly. Yesterday, I cried in the morning while waiting in the line to get e U-Haul truck for camp. I was standing there thinking that all of these people in line have normal errands to run, while nothing seems normal to me anymore. My reprieve from ruminating about the tornado swirling around me is work and camp. The camp I founded and run starts tomorrow, and the business has been a saving grace for me and my kids. We are surrounded by our camp family, which makes us smile and laugh. We have so much to do that I can go hours, focusing only on camp prep, that I almost forget for even a second, that I am going through the most difficult time in my life. Keeping busy is good.

Back to my disappearing boyfriend. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be in the fight of your life, needing a shoulder to lean on and you walk into your closet and are reminded that you are alone? It takes your breath away. I know many people cannot handle emotions, stress and crisis. He swears as my friend, he'll still be there for me, bringing me food and assisting. Beggars can't be choosers right now, so I find myself in a difficult dilemma taking some help from someone who just left me during the time I needed him most. I know, I know, who wants someone around who feels that way. The more confident healthy (cancer free me) would say that. Once you have been diagnosed with cancer though, that all goes out the window, and suddenly you find yourself needing support more than ever. This is where my kids and friends validate that I am better off without him here. I should be with someone who would never leave, someone who has my back and certainly wouldn't leave when I'm in my most desperate hour. My mind starts to jump to this though...how will I ever date again with this diagnosis? "Hi, I'm Denise...I have Synovial Sarcoma and my hobbies include hiking and traveling." I use to think the most scary part for guys when I was dating, was that I'm a therapist. That pales in comparison now. Romance to me lately is a guy who can stick around and not flee because of my diagnosis. Maybe there are cancer dating sites? I almost think that the only guy that would not flee because of my diagnosis is a man also having gone through the same thing! These thoughts make me laugh actually, trying to imagine dating in my future... after chemo, operations, radiation and god knows what other treatments I'll go through. I still have to dream though. I'm only 51, and I have to imagine wonderful things in my future after this nightmare is over, although I know it will never be fully over. Even after treatments, when and fingers crossed, when I'm in remission and cancer free, I will always know its lurking and I'll have to be vigilant and aware that it could resurface again one day. I know many people that live long and fruitful lives in remission, so hope and faith and of course love, is all I have right now. If my kids love could evaporate the cancer, it would, because the love they have for me could rid the world of cancer. They are the wind in my sails right now, and my love for them is what will keep me forging forward.

My PET scan results were ready yesterday. I called the imaging center and they said the results could be picked up until 2:30. It was 1:30, so I flew out the door and arrived at 2:00. I was anxious of course to find out if I have more tumors. Of course, I still have cancer cels which will likely be treated with Chemo, but I am hoping and praying the cancer hasn't spread and that there are no other tumors at this point. When I arrived, the imaging center doors were locked. I called the office three more times and kept knocking. Nobody would answer. I guess they took off early, even though they told me to head down for my results. I was so upset. I spent 90 minutes of my time between the round trip drive and waiting outside the door as I knocked on and off, hoping someone would answer. Don't they understand what this feels like? I have cancer, I had a PET scan, I need to find out if I have more tumors! Nope, they don't understand, they have places to go and things to do on their Saturday and I'm sure they live with the comfort knowing that time isn't urgent to them, as it feels to me right now. So now I wait until Monday to find out my results. This Wednesday, I have an MRI in the morning and an echo Cardio (chest x-ray) in the afternoon. Apparently, chemotherapy is very hard on the heart, so the echo cardio will make sure my heart can handle it. I'm pretty sure that my heart is strong! See, I'm hopeful....I'm on pins and needles and I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, but I am hopeful.