Have Faith

Camp has been my saving grace these past 2 weeks. Camp preparation and running camp certainly kept me distracted. Today is the first morning that I haven't had to wake up and head to camp, or head to a doctor appointment. Today has been particularly hard because all of the emotions I have been keeping at bay, flooded me all at once and I have nothing to distract my mind with. I know that is a good thing, to feel....but I just feel a bit overwhelmed. I saw Dr. Eilber last week, a specialist out of UCLA. Synovial Sarcoma is his specialty and now I'll be seeing his team, consisting of an orthopedic surgeon and an oncologist. Dr. Eilber was honest with me. He says 40%-50% of patients like me end up with metastasis cancer within 5 years. I hate those odds for sure. He says of the statistics, those patients showed clear PET scans too, but this cancer is so sneaky and aggressive, it is likely roaming around my body right now, but it is too microscopic to show up on a PET scan just yet. The first treatment will be Chemotherapy, several rounds, beginning by the end of this month. The oncologist will fill me in more about this. I had an echo cardio, to make sure that my heart is healthy enough to handle the toxic chemo they'll be giving me. The good news is, my heart is healthy. I feel like so many people are sending prayers. Even the echo cardio technician said he'd put me in his prayers. The other piece of info I received from Dr. Eilber is that is is a bummer the Podiatrist took the tumor out. Generally, they like the tumor in the body for a bit, so that they can use it as a gage to see if the tumor is responsive to chemo. No tumor, no gage. I really wish the podiatrist had taken a biopsy! Now the clock is ticking and it feels like my life is flashing before my eyes. I've never felt so lonely, although I also feel loved by some friends, family and strangers, who have reached out to lend a hand, offer a hug or ask what they can do. I think the help I'll need will be once I start chemo. I've been so use to doing for others, it will take some getting use to allowing others to assist me, but I know now that I cannot do this alone. I guess I feel alone because I do not have a partner to help me through this. I only have myself at the end of the day, and god. I know I am not the only single person on this planet facing cancer alone, but until you go through this, you have no idea how lonely it feels. Each hug with my kids feels more important, each day that I laugh, cry and feel is a blessing. Even though I slip into hopelessness briefly, I have tremendous faith that I can get through this. Hopefully I will know more next week, regarding the start date of my chemo. The next big appointment is with the oncologist to find out more about what he has planned for me. I'm very scared about the chemo. I'm going to start reading up on the best diet to be on to boost my immune system. I'm curious how I'll look with no hair. I also have realized that I'll have to take a leave of absence from my work, because its unlikely that I can return to work in September. It was two weeks ago when I received the news that my tumor was malignant and it feels like a lifetime ago. It has been the longest two weeks of my life. Crazy how life can turn on a dime. I talk with god about the why Me's, then I hear in my heart, why not me. I guess there will be numerous lessons to learn from this and ways in which my journey will impact others. I''l write and reflect weekly about what I observe while going through this. Cancer does not define me, I am always me, I just have a higher mountain to climb right now and I know I have the strength to get to the top and down the other side