The Road Ahead

I know that this is how a crisis or tragedy works. You think your life is heading in one direction and in one split second, you are pushed onto another road. You have no say in it, you don't recognize the surroundings and you just have to forge ahead on the only path that is now open to you. Sure, we all want to go back, to the old, familiar path that seemed comfortable and predictable, but that path has disappeared. Even though I catch glimpses of my old life, everything looks and feels different now. Even when I was running camp last week, my 6th summer doing so, I approached it with a new set of eyes. My recent diagnosis of Synovial Sarcoma has certainly pushed me onto a new road. I'm now facing the fact that chemo will start in a few weeks, and I will not be able to return back to work as a school based social worker in the fall. I love working with teens, but now my journey is navigating me into the unknown. I will let my employer know soon, that I will be taking a leave of absence. I feel badly that I will not be there for some of the students, but crisis has entered my life and now the healer needs healing.

I feel badly that I cannot protect my own kids from this. I love them with everything that I am, and they know that. I am their rock, and their world. We can endure and comfort each other through this, but I can't protect them They are learning real fast, that sometimes, life doesn't make sense. Maybe this will help them feel loved by others, since in times of crisis, other rush in to offer comfort and support. I know that God is present in all of this. I am not angry with God, although I have some heavy discussions with God on a daily basis. I know God is present and even though I feel alone sometimes, the hand of God reassures me, and I feel at peace. I also know that my lesson now is to allow others to help me. I have given my heart and soul to help others throughout my life, but now I must be humble and allow others to be there for me.

It's very surreal to have created a Caring Bridge site. It means that I am in a health crisis. I am thankful for the family, friends and strangers who have reached out to offer support. People pull together in a crisis. Some people run however, and that is the hardest part in all of this. People who let petty grudges get in the way and others who cannot handle facing feelings. What is really important at the end of the day? Love and compassion is what is important to me right now. I am acutely aware now that there may have been times in my life when I wasn't tuned in, and certainly times I ran from intense feelings of love and loss. I am sorry about that, deeply sorry. There were also times that I may have been intensely immersed in my own life to be aware of suffering going on around me. I'm sorry for that as well. We need each other and we teach each other, it's the only way we grow, through a crisis. I guess once again, I am being pressed to grow and to help others grow through this crisis. I'm not sure what lies ahead on this new path I find myself on, but this I know.....God will be traveling with me.