Gotta Flirt!

Why flirt? Well, flirting is a dialogue between two people attracted to each other. It's especially important for couples in long term relationships, to help them work on the art of flirting. If you have no desire to flirt, or you can barely stand your partner, then of course flirting will be virtually impossible. If however, you are pretty happy with your partner but things have gotten a bit boring, perhaps it's time to create a bit more passion in your relationship by flirting. I bet you flirted in the beginning? Most people pour their all into the beginning of a relationship and then kick back and coast, once things are solid. That's a big mistake. Although it's certainly wonderful to be secure in a relationship and feel like you can be yourself, you also have some potential barriers, due to being so darn comfortable with one another. Once you are comfortable, you might not dress to impress anymore. You might not shave as often, or groom as meticulously, plus you might have progressed onto the burp and other bodily noises category, which were absent in the beginning. Those things aren't romantic and that means, flirting needs to be a conscious act, geared at preserving and increasing attraction between committed partners. Many men think flirting is ridiculous. Of course players (male or female) know the power of flirtation works. You don't have to be a player though, to improve your flirtation skills. Look guys, women love flirting and it's a precursor to becoming intimate. Women need to be seduced generally, and flirting is a subtle way to let her know that you are attracted to her way before lights out. This is a win-win situation. You win because she feels more attractive and she wins, because she then becomes more attracted to you as a result. What are basic types of flirting? Compliments, calling her sexy or baby, telling her you are thinking about her, surprising her with a flower, and any type of attentive gesture. If you have never been good at flirting or you just feel plain awkward flirting, start out small with a text. You do not have to write poems, love songs or be a romeo to flirt. Just be sincere and make an effort. This also goes for the women too. Some women have a tough time flirting and many more women have a tough time receiving compliments as well. Just don't neglect the simple art of flirting with one another. It really does pay off in the end, with both partners feeling increased closeness and appreciation for one another. If flirting is dead in your relationship and you have no desire to resurrect it, then flirtation advice will be as beneficial as trying to sell snow to an Eskimo. For the rest of you, let the flirting begin!

Back to School, Volunteer, Mom

    Before this school year began, I received a flurry of e-mails from NPHS, my 15 year old son's school. They were begging for volunteers to help in the library with text book distribution. I have always volunteered to help in my children's schools. However, my son is a sophomore and I knew that he would not be thrilled at the prospect of seeing me anywhere on school property, at least not while he was there. I get it. In psychology, its called differentiation. Simple version, "I love you mom but pretend that you don't know me when I'm at school!" I couldn't ignore the continued plea's for help though and finally I signed up to help. Apparently, other kids at school don't want their parents helping out either, leaving the school in desperate need of volunteers. I think it's pretty funny now, reflecting back on the days when he was in elementary school and the teacher would have to draw names from a hat to decide which parents could chaperone field trips because so many parents had volunteered to attend. That's when we parents were welcome to  help at school with open arms and eager smiles from our children. Those days are now long gone.

    I volunteered for one shift and once again, my son made me promise to pretend that I didn't know him. I guess I told him a white lie, because I agreed. Later that day, when he walked into the library to get his books, I gave him a slightly friendlier "hi" with a mischievous grin. I was sort of teasing him a little, knowing he was starting to panic, wondering if I was about to blurt out something embarrassing like, "It's my handsome little boy," (who happens to be 6'2) and "Mommy loves you!" I played it cool though and only slightly embarrassed him by calling him by his name. I know, what was I thinking? I had promised to pretend to not know him.  

    Here is the catch, I graduated from NPHS 32 years ago! Yep, I was a Panther too, and wore black and gold with pride, the school colors. I sat in the quad with friends back then, talking endlessly about things that girls talk about. We actually talked back then, since cell phones were something that we could have never even have conceived of in the early 1980's. I too picked up my text books in that same library and gave hugs to friends as we compared schedules during our orientation. I stood there at the door of the library last week, reflecting back to my days at NPHS and all that I had imagined would be ahead of me, when I walked those corridors. I met a fellow mom, also there to help highlight classes and point students in the direction of their book pick up. Her son wasn't so strict about the mom on campus rule and she was allowed to actually have a conversation with him. Imagine that! 

    Hundreds of students had to stop at us first, waiting for us to highlight their classes, before getting their books. Most students were very friendly and many didn't even look up at us. One memorable student had a list of classes that probably made his parents proud. His classes were not only honors but he was doubling up on some subjects. His parents may love that their son is clearly at the top of his class. His behavior on the other hand, something not to be proud of. Already at 15 or so, he was condescending and rude. We tried to predict his future profession, probably a surgeon with terrible bedside manner. 

   I remember being that age. Many planning on attending college, dreaming about career options, aspirations of making money, family and of being a success. All of those hopes and dreams of life beyond high school. Its a memorable time. If you had asked me 32 years ago, if I would have been volunteering in the NPHS library, helping students find textbooks in my future, I would have thought that sounded crazier than the thought of having devices that sent messages and were portable phones and camera's all in one. I guess both crazy notions came true. 

     As students walked out of the library last week with their piles of books, I wanted so badly to whisper in their ears and share a little wisdom that I have gained over the past 32 years since graduating from high school. "You'll set out to achieve many things, but nothing is more rewarding than helping others out. It costs nothing, you get no pay, most don't even know you are helping, but it's rewarding nonetheless. I know some programs require volunteer hours, but the reward is knowing that you helped someone or something outside of yourself. Trust me, without volunteers, organizations including schools, shelters, hospitals, Red Cross and many non-profits, wouldn't be able to assist as many as they do. You'll learn many subjects in school but the ability to learn, to work together and to adapt can't be found in a book. It's a life skill. Just because you are earning an A, doesn't mean you are learning. Lastly, have fun. I was so focused on college and beyond, that I might have missed just enjoying hanging out with friends on the quad, checking out cute guys. Oh, don't get me wrong, I did pine over many cute guys back then! Once you are a grown up however, raising kids and working, those endless days of hanging out with friends is a distant memory." The last thing I wanted to share with those students as they passed by is this. "The two volunteers that you passed in the library, one is lawyer and the other is a psychotherapist. Yet, our careers have less meaning now, and we gladly help out at our children's schools. So the next time you pass a chaperone at a dance, someone handing out schedules, or anyone helping out at anything, out of the kindness in their hearts, remember this....that could be you many, many years from now. You will likely help out one day at your child's school or you might even decide to give back by becoming a teacher or a future Principal. Either way, don't forget that it's not all about the goals, it's also about the experience along the way. Oh and hopefully, your child will allow you on campus and allow you to slightly look his or her way, but probably not."
    My final thought isn't for the students, its for all the grown-ups. Yeah us, those of us ranging in age of barely past the legal drinking age to retirement and beyond. We all had our goals too. What is important now? Are you living, loving and helping yourself fully or are you still the high school student, going through the motions but not learning anything? Only you know the answer.    

    

On-line Dating Game

I have been counseling men and women for many years through divorces and have heard all of their stories about dating again. A common theme with all of them, on-line dating sites like Match.com. I have actually encouraged clients through the years to go on dating sites as a way to get back out there. I entered into the arena of dating again 5 years ago after a 20 year marriage/relationship, and I had to check out on-line dating for myself. On-line dating seemed strange at first, since the way I had dated twenty years earlier was by meeting people out at bars or through friends. How bad could on-line dating be? After all, I had encouraged many others to do so. I joined Match.com and when I left my career field vague, I was getting a lot of winks (a way for guys to say they were interested) and e-mails. In fact, I was getting too many to keep up with. It is interesting to note that my responses slowed WAY down, once I listed psychotherapist as my profession. I did that on purpose to have a reprieve. I guess guys fear being analyzed. I was curious about my competition, so I did some research on female profiles (thanks to a male client, who graciously showed some to me) to see how women are representing themselves. My jaw was on the floor, looking at female profiles. Even to this day, it baffles me how women degrade, exploit and throw themselves at men through their profiles. Maybe I had been out of the dating game too long, perhaps dating had become a bit more shallow, or maybe I was just completely clueless. Here are some of the tag lines women listed on their profiles: "There is a height requirement to ride this ride," and "Toes in the water, toes in the sand, not a worry in the world, a cold drink in my hand...I want to find my best friend and hold his hand forever." One bleach blond had dozens of revealing photos and listed no requirements for her date....none! Maybe she should just say, "Anyone, anytime." One girl's tag line was "Blue eyed beauty, looking for a partner in crime." She'll find plenty of guys willing to partner up with her. Another gal writes "I'm an easy going, fun chick who's looking to mean somebody who will not only be a partner in life but a best friend." Perhaps she needs to partner up with a dictionary first. It could also be a Freudian slip, warning guys to stay away. One girl said she's a "UniqueWriter1." She's unique alright...her profile picture shows the biggest cleavage and she's straddling a cowboy bull ride. Perhaps she should change her name to UniqueRider1. One woman seems so sincere when her tag line says, "AnotherMother2." It sounds so sweet that she's a mom....but her first sentence says, "Here I am" and she is lying on a desk, half naked with her butt crack showing. There she is alright...nothing sweet about that photo. I'm sure she gets tons of winks and e-mails however. Other profile names for women include, ""Active Cupcake's, 1st Hot Chick and 3,2,1...here we go." Based on the photos I saw of the women, they were all competing to see who can get the most winks, e-mails and dates, of course. "A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become"...(Anita Wise). Okay, enough about the ladies, what are the guys saying in their profiles? One guy writes "It seams that I work to much and need to get out more." Maybe he should get together with the "Fun Chick needing dictionary" because they'd be a perfect match. Another guy has the nerve to put "Free trip to Hawaii or Mexico" as his profile name. Is he hoping that some of the women are dumb enough, or desperate enough to fall for it? That guy is in California and Mexico is only a drive away....but some woman might think she hit the lotto with him. There is a match for everyone. One guy listed as "Halloween," viewed my profile. There is nothing appealing about a guy calling himself Halloween....it sure scared me away. There are some cute profile names like, Jazznjava and oceanfun. Now, it's interesting to note that the guys say all the things that women want to hear. They say things like, "I'm looking for that special somebody," and "I'm looking for the ONE, is she out there." So interesting that the men (who tend to be less verbal and emotional) are spewing poetry practically on Match and revealing heart felt words indicating that they're "looking for their soul mates." They are looking for something alright, but it's probably not soul mates."The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men"...(Lupe Velez). The women are half naked, showing off their "best features" and seem to be playing down their brains and intelligence. Well, there it is right there on Match, the way of the world when it comes to the dating game. It's a game alright....one of needing to read between the lines, never believe what you read in profiles until you get to know them, and laugh as a way to cope with it all. To be fair, some people on Match are genuinely looking to find companionship and partnership. In a world where the bar scene is less than appealing, how else are you suppose to find other single people. In the dating scene as a whole, there are always going to be some just looking to score, but on-line is no exception. Now five years later, I can laugh at my initial shock of on-line dating. It was not horrible as a whole, but it certainly had its horrible moments. Unfortunately, it is the easiest way for busy people to sort of date, in the comforts of their own homes, while at work or browsing profiles on their phones on their way to work. However, on-line dating is not for the faint of heart. Most people on-line are professionals at it. Many have been on the sites for years and have no intentions of settling down, even though they may say so in their profiles. More often than not, people on dating sites want hook ups and many more hide behind facades. There is nothing genuine about on-line dating. The true gems are not the profiles that are filled with razzle, dazzle. The nice people have nice boring profiles that many overlook. Those are the ones to look for. A sincere person won't try to push things, sell themselves or start out saying crude things. A genuine person is also one that accurately portrays themselves. I am glad that I tried on-line dating and in fact, that is precisely how I met my boyfriend. His profile was sweet, simple and genuine. That being said though, I had to sort through many toads along the way and I'm in no rush to ever go back on-line to date ever again. In fact, I'd rather get a double root canal before ever logging onto another dating site! "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then"...(Katharine Hepburn).

Divine Love

"There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder"...(Charles Morgan). How do you know that you are in love or someone loves you. You just know, you feel it. Love gets confused and convoluted in arguments, complaints, blame and negotiations. There are certainly different types of love. You can love someone but not be "in love" with them and vice versa. Being "in love" however is unmistakable and it requires no analysis. The problem with love is that often people already know how they feel, they just talk themselves out of it or don't feel deserving of something so simple and pure, love. I see it all the time in counseling individuals and couples. People tell me stories of walking away from the loves of their lives because they were scared or thought all relationships would be as easy. They are not. Relationships based on a real heart connections are easier. Without the heart connection, you end up battling to feel understood, never feeling like they really know you or love you for who you are. Couples battle all the time because they picked each other based on what they wanted the other to be, not for who they really are. Often people don't truly accept themselves for who they are. It's difficult to attract or sustain a true love connection if you struggle with your own self acceptance. Until your internal battle is settled, you will attract people who treat you the way you feel you deserve to be treated. True love is a gift. It needs no defining. Movies and stories depict the beauty of true love. It is a deep soul connection. Time does not matter. You can live with someone for 25 years and not know or truly love one another and yet with true love, you can be together for months and feel like you've been together forever. Here are some inspiring quotes about true love. "Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving"...(Kahlil Gibran). "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread"...(Mother Teresa). "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love"...(Albert Einstein). "Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit"...(Peter Ustinov). I have witnessed some heart warming love stories recently in counseling. One divorced client told me that she had never been in love with her spouse. Now that she is "in love," she is experiencing real love for the first time in her life. Another client had experienced a separation from the person he loved for a year. During that time, he realized how he pushed away the one person he truly loved by hiding his feelings. Now that they are reunited, he is much more willing to be vulnerable. He says that life is much "more fun and exciting" by having her in it. He knows that she brought him back to life. Love brings out the best in you and needs no analysis. Defenses however need to be looked at but love....it's so simple that if you just allow yourself to feel it, it's unmistakable and divine.

I Still Believe....

Love is just a word until someone comes along who breathes life into the word and into your heart and quite suddenly, love has meaning. Matters of the heart are sensitive and unique to each individual. What makes us fall in love with one individual and not another? What is love at its core? Love is so incredibly irrational. It comes from the depth of our souls and no amount of arguing can talk you out of it. It is such a profound soul connection between two people. The difficulty however is managing love in the midst of life, timing, defenses and circumstances. I love the movie, "Love in the Time of Cholera." It depicts how two individuals who clearly love each other, get side tracked by obligations, expectations and life. They are kept from each other until they are in their 60's, when they finally have a chance to be together. It depicts the beauty of love never fading. I also like the song, "Breathe" by Taylor Swift. It describes how she has to walk away from someone she loves and is so upset that she can barely breathe. That's what love does to people, it turns the most composed people into emotional wrecks. This blog is about love because with all of the sorrow and pain that comes with love, we all still go on trying to find it. The pain and sorrow is worth it because it means you opened your heart. Better to have opened your heart than remain closed up in a shell your entire life. Most people stay in their shells, guarded, jaded, making excuses to keep their hearts closed up. Many more stay in loveless marriages, become bitter or give up on themselves and love all together. Love is not a fairy tale like Cinderella but when you feel love for even one second, it is a feeling like no other. Love may begin with a dream, a fantasy or chemistry but it continues with opening your heart, a leap of faith and taking a risk. Often times, people are just too afraid to take that leap of faith. I am counseling several individuals in the center of attempting to make love work and some are in the midst of loss and pain due to loving. One client is incredibly sad at having to say good-bye to someone she loves. She does not regret loving him but is heartbroken that they have to part ways due to his fears. Another couple warm my heart because they clearly adore each other. They are taking the risk to be together but their fears are about trust and in navigating through their defenses. Defenses can be like a mine field for a couple. You have to walk carefully and gently around the mines to understand one another until most of the mines become disarmed. Love takes time and continued patience. The song "I Believe," inspired this entire blog and came from some dreams I had. The lyrics are: "Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand. Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand. Open up your mind and then open up your heart. You will see that you and me, we aren't very far apart. Because, I believe that love is the answer.... I believe that love will find a way." So, even if you are currently shedding tears in the name of love, always believe in it. Pain honors love and means that you were willing to open your heart. It is a tribute to your strength and to the beauty of loving. Love gives meaning to life and when it works and two people are in synch with letting love flow, it is one of life's miracles. “One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter"...(James Earl Jones). “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul"...(Judy Garland).

Just One More....

Appreciate the simple things. Those from the other side might say this to us here.....
"I just wish for one more day....one more belly laugh, one more chocolate shake with whipped cream and a cherry, one more whiff of apple pie baking in the oven, one more sweet kiss, one more moment standing around the warmth of a fire on a brisk night, one more gooey-delicious s'more, one more spring day watching the flowers come back to life, one more walk on the beach, one more sunset and one more embrace... The type of hug that makes you feel warm and that all is right with the world. I just wish that everyone truly cherished each and every day they have on earth to appreciate all of the amazing moments that everyone takes for granted until they can no longer enjoy those moments because the end has come and life slips away quietly with one last breath. Savor each moment as if it's your last and you will make me smile on the other side because I know that you are not wasting those moments but instead valuing life. The bitter and the sweet in life is a part of every journey, so enjoy and I'll enjoy those moments too, through your eyes. Don't cry for me, cry for those around you alive, yet not living. I lived my days to the fullest and I hope you do too."

(A tribute to a young soul who died too young from cancer)

Joy and Pain

"This too shall pass" is a wonderful saying. It's a life preserver of sorts. Those four words are a reminder that no matter how horrible or how ecstatic things are....it too will pass. The saying is a life preserver of sorts because people often are seeking some kind of comfort when they have hit their worse times, those moments when all seems bleak and you feel as if there is no hope. Mostly people are seeking comfort when things seem to be at their worse. People often don't seek inspiration or words of wisdom when they are flying high from a successful moment. I like the reminder that those words can help keep us grounded both when things appear awful and when life is a celebration. Often we all get hung up on those moments in life that are blissful, so much so that people then feel let down, disappointed and upset when life brings hardships. Both bliss and pain are a part of life but the saying reminds us that everything is temporary. Nothing lasts forever and in fact...pain is the prelude and the best teacher of joy. When we embrace pain, we transform it into into love. When we embrace joy, we transform life into heaven, one in which pain and joy are not separate....they are one. Often people in pain are desperate for it to go away. They fight the pain, run from their pain and blame everyone else for their suffering. Some even blame god and in the process, they oppose their own experiences and lessons. That only brings more pain and suffering. Ever notice that some of the happiest people are those who have transformed themselves through their struggles, not in spite of them. One's journey of experiences is our path alone and we honor our path by honoring our pain. This too shall pass is a saying of acceptance. Acceptance of life, acceptance of joy and embracing all of life's experiences and emotions. There really are no bad feelings. Experiences cannot control you if you just accept them as part of life. You might try to argue with yourself, "but I've been through terrible things." Gratitude for every experience that has come your way is true acceptance. No matter what you are going through...whether you are enjoying a moment of bliss or the toughest time of your life..."This too shall pass"~(1 Corinthians 10:12).