Saying Good-bye

"The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye"...(Jimi Hendrix). "Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos"...
(Snoopy-Peanuts cartoons). Five years ago, when I first told my son that we would probably move back to California, he cried. He cried for about a half hour or so, telling me how sad he felt to leave his school and his friends. He said he'd miss Connecticut and tried a little bargaining, asking if we could stay two more years. Finally, he surrendered and said he was sad but started asking questions about where we'd move, his new school, etc. As days and weeks passed, he told people about the move and talked about things that he was looking forward to. Flash forward five years....now he is adjusted to California and he is thankful that we live here now. Saying good-bye can often feel overwhelming with mixed emotions because you are dealing with change and loss. However, if only you could look into the future to see all of the wonderful things that you can bring into your life by allowing changes to occur. Okay, now I need to take the therapist hat off and speak from the heart about good-byes. I suck at them! Yeah, I can talk the talk, but walking the walk is an entirely different story. Many people have a difficult time with this issue as well. Hey it's a lot easier to handle a good-bye if you are numb, run away, avoid it or get angry at the person. I know first hand. I have had many good-byes since my birth. During my childhood, I just learned to numb through them, probably appearing on the outside that I was so strong and handling things well. Yep, I was good at looking strong on the outside, yet crumbling on the inside. The biggest transition of my life was 24 years ago when I made that move from California to NYC. I would not allow myself to feel the enormity of the move. There was one very special person to me that I could not bring myself to say good-bye to, yet I was very confused and sad that he would not say good-bye to me. That was the pot calling the kettle black, so to speak! I was more insecure then, so my pride kept me from reaching out. It also taught me a valuable lesson, that you should not judge how people handle loss. My assumption back then, "well he must not care about me at all." That could not be more false and reflected how my own pain blurred my vision on this issue. So many years later, I can see things more clearly and I know all too well that there are always two sides of the story. Besides, the more we avoid a good-bye the more we care! I have struggled with good-bye's. I could not not say good-bye to my own therapist, many years ago. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had three months to live. I said good-bye and thank you to him on the phone, but was too overwhelmed by emotions to go see him in person to say good-bye. I regret that action now. I knew I would have been a mess though and should have gone anyway. He had been more than a therapist to me, he had also been a mentor and helped coach me through grad school. He allowed me the space to process saying good-bye in the only way I could handle at the time and I thank his spirit occasionally for that. He taught me well though, guiding me through my own maze of emotions. I will be forever grateful to him! Now that I am coasting after so many changes over the past five years, my kids and I and I can reflect about the strength we now have as we have have all grown so much from starting all over. Through all of the changes, I allowed myself the room to feel it fully. My son reminded me of the power of just feeling sad, yet looking at the things to look forward to. I guess I taught him well....but the teacher can also learn from the student. I am a pro at guiding everyone through losses but still have so much to learn myself. Often we just avoid good-byes because we don't want to face our feelings that go with it. Change is inevitable but losses teach every one of us that the process of life is ever changing. Sometimes we have the power to stop it and other times we simply do not. However the good-bye is presented to you be aware of how you handle it. Reflect on past good-byes because you too may have run away instead of really facing how you were feeling. My move 24 years ago as well as my many years as a therapist dealing with losses have taught me to express myself better, not judge others in how they handle their good-byes and to hopefully navigate myself and my children through the various layers of emotions in saying good-bye. "Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it"....(Trey Parker).