You've Got A Friend

Imagine being 5 years old, pushed out of the front door to "go play" by an angry, hung over step father. What is a young girl to do? She does just that, she explores and makes the most of her day. What was the alternative but to stay inside a dark house, TV blaring and deal with a grumpy alcoholic. No thanks, playing sounded perfectly good to me! Mind you, this was in Inglewood in 1970. It still wasn't the safest place to roam around, but fortunately, I didn't know that. I had a ticket to explore every day, because my step father wanted me out. I'm very glad that I have the disposition I do, because I know that another child under the same circumstances may not have survived. I walked everywhere, headed to the school playground to play hand ball, explored the local park, and I made friends everywhere I went. Sometimes, I just walked around. On a good day, I had some pennies and I'd walk to the corner store for penny candy.

My exploring days in Inglewood lasted until we moved to the San Fernando Valley when I was ten. My exploring continued, but the landscape changed. By then, my mom had dumped the alcoholic step father and instead, we explored because no shepherd was minding the sheep. If you think that this kind of parenting isn't still happening, you would be wrong. It is hidden in poorer neighborhoods. Of course those with money can pay for day care, nannies and babysitters but even the wealthy can neglect their kids emotionally. Okay, so I was neglected. I didn't know that at the time. I made the best of a bad situation I guess, and that mentality has been my saving grace. Oh don't get me wrong, I often had imaginative day dreams about being kidnapped by a wonderful couple who loved and adored me, but they were so kind that they still let me visit my mom once in awhile and my mom was totally cool with it. Ahhh the fantasy life of a young girl. Of course I craved adoration, so fantasy and daydreams gave that to me. That's resilience at its best. There is an amazing documentary about a pack of siblings held hostage in their New York City apartment throughout their childhoods by a controlling father. The kids watched movies and they escaped their prison by becoming other characters and acting out the movies they watched. The documentary is called the "Wolfpack."

I am not angry about my childhood, because eventually loneliness became my buddy. I played with loneliness, as he was my best friend. Later though, as a young adult, I started running from loneliness, attempting to keep ahead of him. He ran faster than me. I had decided to reject him still and looked for anything to replace him, avoid him and ignore him. The strange thing was, nothing kept him at bay. Its like playing hide-n-seek, you can hide but eventually he finds you. Loneliness catches up with everyone. I just became familiar with loneliness at a younger age than most. I knew he existed, while most become shocked and surprised by him when they are older. Loneliness has two sides to him. Lone means solitary, single and companionless. I look at lone as the ability to embrace being alone, instead of avoiding it. The beauty of being alone is that you get to know yourself, and eventually you get to a place of loving just being you. The other side of loneliness is fear. People fear being alone because they worry that they aren't lovable or accepted or they are avoiding their own feelings. Essentially, you are rejecting yourself when you are running from loneliness. We all have been in situations with friends, family or partners where you aren't alone, but you still feel very lonely. Being busy, successful, in a relationship or surrounded by friends will not keep my old friend loneliness away. The more you try to hide, the easier you are to find. I've now embraced loneliness as he, thus me were one all along. I didn't feel lonely as a child because I was my own best friend. I had wonderful play dates with myself and the neighborhood was mine to explore. I only became lost when doubt, insecurities and shame started taking hold of me, so I hid from loneliness until I could unravel all that had built up. I came out of my hiding place and gave loneliness a big hug, as he was trying to help me all along. Now the world in mine to explore, and he is my partner. I no longer fear being alone and I am a better partner, mother and friend because I have gotten back to the joy of being me. Why do I refer to loneliness as a him? I think for me, my dual side is masculine, the yang to my yin. He was the part of me who said, "let's try new things, don't be afraid, and I'm here for you." I am fearless and I am scared, I am strong and I am weak, I am invincible and I am vulnerable. He is me, I am him and we are one.  It's nice having a best friend whom I can always count on, and that person should always be yourself.

To Be Continued

Looking back to when I was a teen and in my 20's, I was always imagining how my life would turn out. Like many young people, I was focused on the destination. The destination looked like a movie with a happy ending. A good Hollywood ending includes character wrap up, conflict resolution and the main character getting what he or she wanted. Our society promotes the happy ending. Just ask and college aged student who feels pressure to get that "real" job after college and to make something of their lives. If you ask me, the college aged interns I have at camp are the most happy and fun people to be around. "Real life" hasn't caught up with them yet, so most of them are open, flexible, fun and a breath of fresh air. There are some who take themselves too seriously already and unless the camp can give them prestige or accolades, they want no part of it. The rest are refreshing, so much so in fact, I think they are far happier than many of those adults I've met who have supposedly arrived. I delayed seriousness personally and stayed lost in my 20's, which worked out to my advantage. While others went straight into serious jobs after college, I was waitressing in New York City and then a nanny for a well to-do family. Those experiences laid the fabric for me starting a camp one day and for helping others. If I had arrived at my happy ending in my 20's, I would wage $100 that I would have not felt free enough to take the risks I have taken. Maybe being in a never ending series like Star Wars is the answer. Instead of an ending, there are back stories and new stories and side stories all making up the bigger picture. I sure hope that all of those refreshing college interns I have had the pleasure to work with over the past several years stay excited about life. Somehow those serious jobs and life's pressures have a way of zapping the joy out of people. Happiness and success are not a destination, they are a process. On any given day, I may have many happy moments, some laughter, occasional tears, a plot twist, a cliff hanger, and symbolism. Then, as I lay in bed at night, I imagine the words "To be continued"....appear mysteriously above my head as I drift off to sleep. Then I wake up and my story continues. I imagine that even when our story ends here, we continue to grow and reflect on the other side. The beauty of it as that even on the other side, we can watch the legacy we left behind in a front row seat, as we cheer and help guide our loved ones on. I'm glad that we never really arrive, it makes life so much more interesting. 

Free

I am sad about the recent losses of Carrie Fisher and George Michael. They died too young, but who am I to say since only god and their higher selves knew when they needed to go. It still seems strange to lose two more icons in 2016. Certainly hits home to me, and to others I'm guessing, that we need to live every day as if it's our last. Today is the last day for somebody out there. Death takes you by surprise usually and you generally have no time to get your affairs in order. Therefore, if you need to say something to someone, run carefree on the beach or forgive someone, there is no time like the present. I don't think I've left much unsaid. There are some people I know and love in my family, whom I'd love to say many things to, but I know they aren't listening. Those chats will have to occur on the other side I suppose, when they are more open. I don't leave things unsaid with my kids. They never have to guess about whether I love them or if I'm proud of them. I don't gush over everything they do and I'm the first to point out the areas in their lives or behavior they could improve upon. We all need honest, loving commentary once in awhile. I find that many people think criticism is loving, but its not loving if you aren't being loving to the person you are making suggestions to. If your relationship isn't filled with love, it'll just feel like criticism. In fact, on social media, people love to criticize, especially to strangers. I just have to ask why. Haters take many forms but they've been around throughout time and will always be there, so I say, ignore them. Back to living life to the fullest, I say Carpe Diem! I am more practical now, so Carpe Diem could have different meanings to each person. I just say, venture out of your comfort zone a bit, dance on the line of being comfortable and uncomfortable, and risk something today. Carrie and Michael are free now as are many of our own loved ones, who have left this earth. One day, I will be free too, so in the meantime....its time to to dance on the line today and see where it takes me.

PS: As a follow up to yesterdays post, we lost another icon, Debbie Reynolds only hours after I posted this. The loss of her daughter was too much to bare and so she is now free too. RIP Debbie and Carrie. They are together, exploring the cosmos!

Patience

I Corinthians: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I was reflecting about love and patience this morning. We are all working on things, as we are all in lesson. I certainly know that patience is something I have in my work, since change is often slow. As a therapist, I sit and watch as people avoid making changes or when they do make changes (or when changes are forced on them), it takes time to adapt, learn and acclimate. I know that I have had to learn to be patient with myself, since I often want changes to happen immediately, and although some changes can happen quickly, other changes take a lot more time. I guess the lesson I was reflecting on this morning has more to do with patience in my personal life with friends, and family. The Virgo in me gets impatient and says, "come on, get to work and lets get this done." That's often how I approach things, but others do not. I have to resist judgement on that (and its hard) because others process things more slowly and methodically. My boyfriend and my oldest son are slow processors. They think about change for a long time. My son doesn't really like change, but once it happens, he adjusts pretty quickly. My boyfriend, on the other hand is a Cancer, and he thinks about changes for a long time, and changes when he has to. Most people only change when they have to. I too have had changes forced on me and ultimately, it was for my highest good. I realized today that I need to be more patient with others. Growth takes time, like a flower growing from a seed. Just because you cannot see visible change doesn't mean change isn't happening. Sure, some people may be stuck and stagnant. They may not be growing in any visible way, but being stuck may be their lesson. Perhaps being stuck will ultimately teach them something valuable about choices. Change is a choice, being stuck is a choice, and both require a great deal of patience. Its funny, I think most people wouldn't realize that I can be impatient, because I often exude lots of compassion and patience around me. Trust me, I do have large stores of patience but when I cannot sit by and watch my kids and boyfriend stall, avoid and make excuses any longer, then I push. I push in love, but I do push. I won't stop pushing, since we all help each other on our journey and my job is to inspire change and growth in others. I will however forge ahead with an ultimate respect for patience. I have been inspired lately by some growth in loved ones that happened overnight, yet those changes actually took years to nurture. Change takes time. change requires patience and love is the water that nurtures others to trust enough to change. Change is always possible, just be patient, loving and kind and watch your relationships grow in ways you never thought possible. 

Change and Alchemy

This is an interesting time in history. We have upheaval, protests, violence and our country is divided. The media is driving a fear laden agenda. People feel angry and hopeless. Yet, it is a chance for growth and incredible change. People are tired of the old order and that means personal and overall transformation is now possible. Alchemy is about transformation, literally translated as medieval chemistry concerned with turning metal into gold. The idea of alchemy in ones life is to transform your heart and soul into gold. In the book, The Alchemist, the character sets out on a journey to find a treasure....but the journey turns out to be the treasure and the pot of gold is within him. We are all on our journey to transform, become present, conscious and fulfill each of our own destinies. As Eckart Tolle wrote in, The New Earth, "A reversal of your priorities comes about when the main purpose for doing what you do becomes the doing itself, or rather, the current of consciousness that flows into what you do." He states that, "The modalities of awakened doing are acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm." The idea of acceptance is simple, that we begin to take responsibility for everything in our lives. When we take responsibility for what we are doing and for each moment we have, we become empowered. That is not to say that you may not want to stay in the current situation you are in, but it is accepting that you are there in the present moment until you can shift the situation fully. There is no "victim" energy or "poor me" or any type of suffering if you enter into a state of acceptance. The media wants people to be afraid and to abdicate their power. Helpless people are controllable. Being empowered means you tune out negative influences, you are discerning about the messages you take in and you shift into an understanding that you are an empowered soul. The idea of alchemy also is to release ego from dictating your state of being and again, allowing a state of empowerment. Enjoyment is all about channeling joy into everything you do. Yes, there can be a state of enjoyment in vacuuming as well as going for a hike. Enjoyment is also a state of being, when you are in a conscious and spiritual state of being in the present moment and bringing the energy of joy into life. It is not seeking out activities that bring you joy. Then the state of being is outside of you, not in you. If joy is in you, then you bring it to everything that you do! "Enthusiasm means there is a deep enjoyment in what you do plus the added element of a goal or a vision that you work toward (Eckhart Tolle)." Everything in your life should be able to enter one of the three categories, acceptance, enjoyment or enthusiasm. If you cannot stand something in your life and you truly cannot accept it, then you might want to stop that dynamic or activity because it is clearly not helpful for your personal or spiritual journey.  We all have things we need to accept until the time comes to shift the situation or circumstances. This political climate is beckoning people to wake up, to step and to become empowered instead of disempowered. Evaluate your life and shift your perception to being more conscious and aware. What can you accept, rather than resist or complain about? Surrender to acceptance and take responsibility for your life. By being more conscious you can also bring enjoyment to everything that you do. What simple activities can you allow yourself to enjoy? Life is so much more fulfilling when you can consciously, accept and enjoy each and every moment. With that said, the more fully present you are, then you make room for enthusiasm to enter your life which brings you to an even higher state of being. Allow alchemy in your life.........shift your awareness into the present moment and allow the transformation of your spirit to shine through everything you do. While others are fearful, hateful and spewing negativity, you are inspiring others through your light that there is another path....one of love, strength and compassion.

Beauty In The Thorns

Where do I begin? I haven't written in awhile. I have not been inspired, although I always have plenty to say. I've been processing the past intensely and letting things go. It's an important lesson for us all. I wrote a text to my ex today, summing up my gratitude for our past, because I honestly wouldn't change a thing about my past choices. How do we reconcile regret, when we have the ability to look back and wonder how our lives might look had we made different choices. The idea that we can reflect back with 20/20 vision is true however, those many past choices we have made throughout our lives, which threw us into a lot of messes just may have been messes that ultimately brought us beauty. One of the teens I am counseling said to me last week, "Life is so messed up!" My reply, "Life is messy. that's what makes it so beautiful." It was sort of an epiphany for me in that moment. I also heard an interesting statement from an astrologer recently. He said, "Divine fate trumps free will." He meant that although we have free will, our divine destiny will override our free will, guiding us to where we need to be and what we need to experience for our soul to meet its purpose. Of course free will is the part where the saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink," seems to prevail. So, divine destiny may keep trying to help you get what your heart desires, but your pain keeps you repeating old patterns, keeping your hearts desires just out of reach. Of course if people just deal with their pain, and honestly reflect on the ways in which they keep themselves stuck, they would find that nothing is ever really out of reach. People are often surprised to find out that everything they ever wanted was right in front of them all along but they just couldn't see it. The other part of that is trust. People get caught up in images of what they want their lives to look like. Those images may be the very problem. It's like how the media send messages of what a perfect life looks like. People spend a lot of time and money making their homes beautiful, trying to create a beautiful life. Those same people are devastated when they wake up one day and realize that their lives are a mess, and that all the beautiful decor and furniture is a sham. Some people never wake up and they just live in their lies until they die. The lucky ones wake up and set out to demolish false images and pretenses. Living honestly means that everything isn't pretty all of the time. In fact, an honest life has more thorns than roses on most days, but that's the beauty in it. Look at a bouquet of roses and there are many more thorns, yet the beauty of the roses is what we see. Beauty is always present in life if you choose to see it. Following your heart means there is no destination, because you are already there. Think about that, you don't have to search, wonder, daydream or do more work, because if you are living in your heart, you are already there and the rest will just unfold. Letting go of what you thought your life would look like, opens up endless possibilities. On the other hand, holding on to a fixed view of what your life should be does the opposite, it closes off all of the wonderful possibilities and keeps you stuck. The heart wants to love and wants to live honestly, its the rest of the defenses that get in the way. I can tell you after counseling many thousands of people, the problems only arise when emotions are cut off and the heart and feelings aren't allowed expression. When emotions are cut off, all sorts of problems manifest for the individual. So here we are all, contemplating our past and wondering about our futures. Process the past, feel the past and then let it teach you something, but don't let it hold you back. Let go also of what you want your future to look like. Have you ever gone house hunting with one image in mind, only to be surprised that you fell in love with other homes, ones that surprised you? Don't be one of those people that go house hunting and are rigid about what they want to a fault and end up with the home that fit their image, but after they move in they discover home has plumbing problems, there are termites, and the house becomes the money pit.
Instead, be open to possibilities but always let the heart lead the way. We are entering into a time to get all that we ever wanted, but we have to remain true to ourselves every step of the way.

Camp Happinesss

I loved summer camp as a kid. I didn't have many opportunities to attend camp, but the camps I attended left a lasting impression. What's not to like? Whether it's a day camp or an overnight camp experience, camp offers youth a chance to be anything you want to be. At camp, you make new friends, form tight bonds with your patrol (or tribe as I like to call it), learn the power of teamwork, try new things, miss your family, sing songs, dance like a fool, make s'mores and overall you're able to be the person you want to be but can't be in school. Camp offers those things because camp doesn't have the parameters that schools have. At camp, you aren't pigeonholed into the same social groups, so you are forced outside of your comfort zone and have to quickly adapt to new people and new experiences. Sure, sometimes camp can be uncomfortable too because you are outside your comfort zone, but you grow profoundly from the experience. Camp teaches resiliency and helps you discover yourself in a community environment. What a great metaphor for life! What if....life is one big camp!? Life is whatever we want it to be, so life is...camp.

Happiness is defined as joy, well-being, enjoyment and lightheartedness. Happiness is not a remote island in the Bermuda Triangle, only found by a treasured few who find themselves there after years of searching, only to never be seen or heard from again! Happiness is a state of being, something that all can attain. Happiness doesn't discriminate, it isn't an exclusive club, nor does it cost anything. In fact, money can't buy happiness, and trust me, many people have tried only to find themselves wealthy and miserable. Power and fame aren't happiness, those things merely feed the ego, which is like fish food, you need a lot of it but too much will kill you and too little is a tease and you want more and more. Those things are false happiness, like quick fix drugs that make you crave more, only to leave you more lost and certainly unhappy. Relationships can bring you joy, but you can't find happiness in or from another person. You are responsible for your own happiness. Great relationships form wonderful bonds that stimulate endorphins, but you must be receptive and open to this kind of bond, which goes back to you being responsible for your own happiness. So what is the road to happiness? It's an inner journey, a perspective and way you choose to live your life.
   
Imagine this, you wake up tomorrow and instead of looking at your day full of responsibilities including work, exercise (if you have time) with dread about what you need to do, but instead you wake up excited that you are at camp! You wake up realizing that you aren't just at any camp, not a camp to get you into college or to get ahead, but a camp that you chose, and it's called Camp Happiness. What would your mindset be if you wake up believing you are at camp! This is the coolest camp ever though. This is a camp without boundaries, because you are the camper, the counselor and the Camp Director.

As Camp Director, you do oversee the activities, manage the budget (your expenses) and you make sure you are safe and protected. I know many people that do not manage their own lives in that way, they are forever the camper but never the counselor or camp director and their lives are a mess. The "camper only" mentality tends to lead to credit card debt, addictions, a feeling of entitlement and a profound lack of security. They aren't happy, in fact they are often the angriest people I have ever come across. Some campers also tend to create chaos, drama and confusion wherever they go. Then there are those who are always the counselor, afraid to oversee their own lives but too afraid to be a carefree camper. They end up trying to manage others because they are secretly resentful of those they perceive as being over them, so they control those under them and undermine those over them. Those folks also often never say what they mean or mean what they say. In fact, these types of people are incredibly out of control inside themselves and they hide it with facades. Then there are those who are camp directors, who manage their lives well, but they forgot what it's like to be a camper or a counselor, lacking the creativity and freedom to let go and experience life. So...the real key to happiness is integrating all three roles...being the camper, the counselor and the camp director! Throw in there the program director at times too, making sure you have new and inspiring experiences to keep you on your toes. Think about the happiest people you know. Those people tend to have a great balance. They are positive, excited, inspiring people who enjoy life, yet they are also responsible and trustworthy. They combine all three roles beautifully. Their inner camper can shine because their inner counselor and inner camp director have created such inner security that their camper can experience life as an adventure. So come with me, allow yourself to be the camper, the counselor and the camp director and let's go to Camp Happiness.
     Don't worry, be happy and welcome to Camp Happiness!!

Dear Self

Dear Self,

     You don't know me, not yet anyway. I'm your future. I'm over twice your age. The irony is, I feel younger now then I did at your age. I certainly feel wiser. To you, I'm ancient. You think that someone my age is done, over, biding their time until the grave. You think the future is you, the young people. You won't believe this but now we have portable phones that have camera's and lots of young people (and older ones too), take "selfies," which are outrageous photo's of oneself trying to look cool. I know it's hard to imagine, but it's true. Lots of things will change for you over the next 25 years, too much to be able to tell you in one letter. The future is you and me, and everyone. To exclude any one age group and marginalize them as if they have nothing to contribute is wasting a valuable resource. You should listen more to elders, since we have some valuable life lessons that we can share with you. You need us and we need you. If you devalue what I have to say, then you devalue yourself, since I am you one day.
     I'm so sorry that I wasn't always there for you. You were struggling and crying out in so many ways, and I let you down. I was hard on you and pressured you to have it all together, when you really just needed my support. You worried about body image and you fell in love with men who didn't treat you very well. I didn't have the guidance to give you because I wasn't able to yet. I can look back now and tell you that you are amazing, because I finally found the confidence you are endlessly chasing. Nobody outside of me provided that, I had to search within and it took many steps on our path to find it. It was earned through experience. You will seek mentors but friends will come and go, as will lovers. You will cry because you thought that each one truly cared. They only care as much as you care about yourself, and unfortunately you don't hold yourself in high regard. You are falling apart at the seams and nobody knows it, or everyone is burying their head in the sand. It's up to you then, to find your own way. You can do it! I'm living proof that you can. I''l try to help my peers offer support instead of judgement to our youth. Just as I am you one day, you are the younger versions of us. Loving ourselves means loving who we are entirely, our past, present, and future selves.
     There are days that I bask in life, and other days, I am struggling to get through the day. I enjoy a sunset, more than I did at your age. I also appreciate so much more than I did when I was you. You remind me to dream though, and to nurture hope. You have endless daydreams of what your life will turn out like. You long for the day to have the money to buy a new car, what your future kids will be like and you can't wait to be a career woman. It's pretty cool to have the freedom (and credit) to buy a car, but you'll find excitement in driving a mini van because it fits the kids pretty comfortably and has a portable movie player inside! It also has automatic doors! It's like something out of "Back To the Future," except it doesn't fly. I know...I know, you thought you'd have something cooler like a sports car. I'm sorry to burst that bubble. There is still time for that though. I'll have to ask my future self, what is in store for us for the next 25 years. Having a career is pretty empowering too, except I found that raising kids became more important, so career and being a mommy became conflicting roles at times. I still find a way to contribute to society, but for some crazy reason, being a mommy isn't valued in our society nearly as much as it should be. I hope that changes by the time our daughter becomes a mommy. Ultimately though, I don't care what society thinks. I know what is important and our kids need me right now.
     I am always here for you, cheering you on from the future. I embrace your struggles and love you that much more for all of the difficulties I know you are facing, and will be facing. Hold your head high, and never let others peoples perceptions of you dictate the direction of your life. You are a free spirit and one day, you will soar. I love you and when you fall asleep at night, you will hear my prayers whispering to you throughout the night. The future doesn't want you to hurry, just enjoy the present. You'll be here one day. Treat the earth kindly, for your children and their children and so on, need a place to explore their journey's. We will meet in our dreams but by day, as you take a step forward, so will I. We will truly compare notes when we leave this life. I have so much more to tell you, but we'll save that for another time. Until we meet again....

Cheers,

Denise