Mirror

We are all role models to children, whether as parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, coaches, teachers and just about any relationship you have with and around children of all ages. Parents of course have the most direct and consistent impact on children. Children reflect back what they hear, feel, see and experience. Often people say to me, "How can my kids know that I am unhappy if I never talk about it with them?" They feel everything going on around them, just like we do. If you work with a boss or co-worker who is cranky and unhappy, no matter how much you try to not let it affect you, it still does. We are directly affected by the people we are around the most. Children are more vulnerable because they literally depend on the adults they are living with. In addition, they look to the adults to show them what this world is like. If the adults are angry, anxious, depressed, hostile, intolerant and so on, then that is what they learn and mirror back to you. Often parents get so angry or concerned about behaviors they see in their children. They often want to blame the child because it is so much harder to admit that the child is mirroring something they are picking up from the environment. Parents often do not want to own those same behaviors in themselves. The blame game is not helpful. Divorces often complicate that issue because parents can simply blame the other parent for the behavior. Parents need to see the child as their own person, with their own temperament and individuality and yes, with behaviors and patterns learned from both parents. Instead of blaming, parents need to reflect earnestly about the behaviors they need to work on in themselves. In addition, helping children work through through their emotions and to learn new ways of coping will help. If adults work on themselves then children will learn new ways of behaving too, because they will mirror back the new behaviors. Also, talking to children (in an age appropriate manner) about the behaviors you are working on, help them see that adults are human and need to work on behaviors as well. It's tough to tell a child to not lose their temper and scream when they see their parents do the same thing. The apple does not fall far from the tree, as they say. It is important to ask children how they are feeling. Even if they do not feel like talking at that moment, just you asking them opens up the door for communication. It astounds me how often I come across parents who never ask their children simple questions about how they are feeling or what is bothering them. The other key issue is listening. In fact, we all are more likely to talk to someone about what we are feeling and thinking if we can tell they are really listening. Children are no different. You don't need to say a word, just actively listen. Often the challenge for parents is to not scold, rush to offer advice or minimize their feelings. Just listening can be the best way to encourage them to tell you more and to build trust. Try to treat children the way you know you would like to be treated. Image if you went to a friend and said, "I'm upset that I did not get to go to the basketball game" and they said, "That's ridiculous...it's just a silly game." Would you feel like confiding in that friend again? You don't have to agree with a child, just empathize. "But more important than any words we use is our attitude. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as phony or manipulative. It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child's heart"...(Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk). Be willing to evaluate what is working and what is not working when it comes to interactions and relationships with children. In addition, reflect on your own childhood and be willing to admit that sometimes you may be repeating something that you learned in your own childhood, which affected you negatively. With insight, patience and practice, you can extinguish the attitude or behavior pattern. No matter what, don't forget to use humor and play with children. Children can teach us as well, for they are incredibly open to the wonderful world of imagination and await you to join them in just having lots of fun. "Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you"...(Robert Fulghum). "It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself"...(Joyce Maynard).