The River of Love

I've been going through boxes and came across all of my old journals. It has been an interesting journey today, combing over some of my old entries. There were no blogs back then and no lap tops, so everything was hand written filling many notebooks. It was interesting to look at what I was writing through the years 1982-1990's. Piecing all of my years of journals together represents a river of love for me, learning what love is all about. Most of my entries struggle with matters of the heart and grappling with loving myself. I also wrote poetry about love, loss, pain and confusion. Here is an entry from the winter of 1991:

Questions unending, poking at my belly. I look into the mirror and wonder, who am I? What would make me happy? Who will I marry? What is my purpose in this life? I smile into the mirror, confused, yearning for the answers. I'm 25 years old and feel that I am at a crossroads. I should get on track. Youth has not left me, by any means, but old enough to be concerned about love and my future career. Who will love me and marry me? What will I be when I "grow up?" A psychologist? An artist? An author? A student? Who will I be....who am I really? I glance into the mirror, seeing my bright smiling face and I sense that my questions will be answered sooner than I think. Smiling once more, I realize, I am and will play many roles in this life....the student, the daughter, a mother and who knows what else. As confused as I may be, some questions will answer themselves in time. Life is funny...who knows what will happen next. Life is full of change. Life is basically unpredictable so hold tight, stay determined and ambitious. Go out and try to make certain things happen. Follow your dreams, be realistic but believe in yourself. Have confidence and strive to make your dreams come true. Just wait and see however, what curves life will throw at you. Treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Feel emotions....cry, laugh, yell, scream, jump, dance, shout. Break out! Oh wall that surrounds me, crumble, fall, disintegrate, disappear....you hinder me and keep me hidden from life and from emotions. I don't want to hide anymore. Oh walls, you deceive me, giving me a false sense of security. Emotions are to be felt and life is to be lived. Confusion is part of life, so be it. Mirror, mirror on the wall, I've got to break out. Carpe Diem...live life and take chances!

Hmmm....it sounds like one of my blog entries. I was feeling pretty lost back then, so it's nice to reflect on who I am now and see that I have attained the vision I hoped for back in 1991. I can see the scared but optimistic me from 91, trying to accept myself and yet with a voice conditioned into me saying "be realistic." The heck with realistic. The other "conditioned" part was, "who will love me?" That was surely my insecurity talking. I should have said "I will follow my heart until I find love and it finds me." What I did not see in myself then was that I was still all too willing to play it safe. A hurting, fearful heart led the way back then. Yes I took risks and grew in numerous ways, but still hiding behind my walls, I did not completely break out, until now. I asked an old friend recently if I have changed much from my younger years. The response, "same fire." It is the fire in me that has kept me moving forward, taking chances and finding a way to enjoy life, no matter what. The river of love flows from each lesson to the next. I allow myself now to flow with the river and see where it takes me. Love is a rainbow of light, flowing with the currents throughout our lives. I fly out to California tomorrow to attend a wedding and I plan to drive up Pacific Coast Highway, listening to some of my favorite tunes from 20 years ago and I must take some pictures of course. Some of the music listed in my old journals as my favorites: When I'm With You-Sheriff, Forever Young-Alphaville, Party Train-The Gap Band, My Place In This World (ironically from the Album, "Go West Young Man"), The River Will Flow-White Heart (from the Album called "Freedom") and That's What Love Is For-Amy Grant. Some interesting messages hidden in my song list. My music list also truly reflects who I am at heart....reflective, spiritual, hopeful, romantic and fun. Download "Party Train" because you just can't help feeling good when you listen to it. I've enjoyed dancing around the living room with my kids to it! I am so glad that I have written in journals most of my life because it helps me remember vividly, what a wild journey life truly is.