Untying The Knot

Of course we have all heard of the expression "tying the knot." That is such an appropriate saying when couples get married. You notice that the statement refers to a knot versus a bow. Knots are just that, very tightly bound and difficult to unravel. Marriage is a serious commitment and should be like joining two people (two pieces of rope) together to form one united union. But sometimes, those ropes do not form a nice neat knot in which two people maintain individuality in a sacred union. Sometimes the knot becomes a huge tangled mess and the integrity of the union is lost. When two people marry, they blend their lives on every level. Money often becomes mingled, you share everything from dresser drawers to closets and negotiate the holiday's between families. You blend traditions, share the household chores (hopefully) and get to know each others every detail about every day life. When a couple has children, even more is shared when you co-parent. When couples decide to divorce, we should call it untying the knot because you have to begin the process of unraveling the countless ways in which your lives have become intertwined. It is a challenging process for people in the midst of a separation or divorce. When you tell people that you are divorcing, they say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that" or "I'll pray for you." It's sort of like a death in the family. People send blessings and have this look on their faces as if someone just passed away. I suppose the process of a divorce is much like a death. It is a huge loss, even if the divorce is what the individual or couple wants. That is an oxymoron though. Nobody ever enters a marriage wanting or thinking that they will ever get divorced. It is a deeply emotional process because you are mourning the loss of the relationship, letting go and unraveling all of the ways in which your lives have become enmeshed. I remember when I was dating my now husband. It was such a big deal and major step, when he finally gave in and gave me a drawer and some room in his closet at his apartment, to keep some of my stuff. Now, many years later, so many aspects of our lives overlap that I don't even know where to begin when it comes to the unravelling process. In counseling so many couples who have gone through divorces, I have witnessed the difficulties and challenges of separating all that becomes knotted up in a marriage. The journey becomes one of stepping carefully to create new boundaries and to deal honestly with feelings of loss. Anger often accelerates during a divorce because all that had remained unsaid or stuffed gets thrown on the table. It is also a challenge because ego's get involved and people step into a tug of war of epic proportions. Anger and control battles really help no one though and only causes further damage. Much better to deal with feelings of sadness and let go with integrity, rather than leaving in a rage. Reflection about the relationship is important but often people feel guilty, blaming themselves for the failure of the union. Blame is useless punishment, whether you blame yourself or your partner. No matter what, the journey with your spouse was a necessary lesson. The most difficult challenges are the best opportunities for empowerment and growth. The reasons you chose your partner speaks volumes as well, whether it was based in family of origin issues (which is often the case), family and social pressures or fear of being alone. When it comes to having children, the line in the movie "Definitely, Maybe" says it best when the father who is divorcing says to his daughter, "There is a happy ending to the story.....you!" A marriage should always be considered a success when children are brought into this world through that union, even if the marriage ends in divorce. Those children are the gift and truly meant to be here. The journey of marriage and divorce is full of life changing lessons and an enormous opportunity for growth. “Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work"....(Lori Gordon). “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to"....(Helen Rowland).