Hanging On

"As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows, there is no other pain like that felt after the incident"...(Peter Greene). The recent song to inspire me is "Hanging On" by Everyday Sunday. It's about a guy who notices that everybody around him wants to be found, but he is barely hanging on. I have counseled many people through the years, who came to me in that state...just barely managing to get through the day. Some had suicidal thoughts or had even attempted to end their lives. Some people told me later that if it hadn't been for counseling, they would have definitely ended their lives. Recently, my 14 year old niece received some devastating news. One of her best friends, someone she had known since Kindergarten, ended her life. A fourteen year old girl, so hopeless, that the only option she could see in front of her was to end things. How does a girl go from playing jump rope on the playground to growing into a teen, excited about boys, with her entire life ahead of her....to taking her life? Like so many who reach their breaking point, she had things in her life that felt insurmountable. Perhaps the triggers were her parents fighting or the fact that another girl kept bullying her...but in a moment of sheer pain, she couldn't hang on any longer. There are many souls out there that at this moment, they are barely hanging on. Sometimes there is something we can do to help and other times, our hands are tied. If someone keeps things bottled up and gives little to no signs that they are struggling, others may not know how much pain they are in. In other cases, denial can keep people from getting the help they or their loved ones so desperately need. I've talked to moms who have told me that their teen disclosed to them that they wanted to end their lives, but they just dismissed it as normal teen angst. Sure, sometimes when people are emotional, they may say things that they don't mean, but any disclosure about wanting to kill oneself should always be taken seriously. I've also counseled adults who admitted that their family system didn't take suicidal thoughts seriously and simply told them, "Don't talk like that." Denial is sometimes the biggest problem when it comes to suicide. Nobody wants to think that someone would or could actually take their own life. It happens all the time though and most recently there have been quite a few cases of teens, so overwhelmed by bullying that they took their own lives. When people feel that overwhelmed by life, there is no rationale. The reasons and pressures can be numerous in life for teens like bickering parents, feeling like you don't fit it, failing grades, peer pressure and teasing. Adults aren't without their triggers too such as divorces, betrayals, losses of loved ones, failing health, financial devastation, and more. Whether it's a teen or an adult feeling as if they just can't hang on anymore....the pain they are feeling runs so deep that the world just caves in on them. The hope is that someone is able to intervene and help guide them to healthier thoughts and out of the danger zone. Everyone has pressures after all and nobody is without stress. It is in how you manage that stress and the coping skills you develop to help you come out of pain stronger than ever. Friends, family, counselors, teachers, pastors can all be potential support networks to be able to just talk about feelings. If you know someone struggling, reach out to them and absolutely suggest counseling if the situation appears worrisome. Don't ever dismiss pleas for help as "drama." If someone is crying out for help, at least listen and get someone else involved to talk with them as well. We should never feel completely alone in this world...we are all here to help each other in whatever ways we can. As for the countless lost souls hanging on....don't give up. Things are never as bad as they seem. Just because life feels overwhelming sometimes does not mean the obstacles are insurmountable. Reach out for help and know that life can offer many opportunities for a fresh perspective, hope and a new day. To my niece's friend, the sweet soul who just crossed over, our thoughts and blessings are with you. "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"...(Franklin D. Roosevelt).

Find Your Way

"Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right"...(Henry Ford). Everyone faces some fears about taking risks and trying new things or developing talents that remain hidden and untapped. I have worked with many people throughout the years who were terrified to leap out into the unknown with their secret dreams of writing, singing, helping others, dancing, painting, and so on. The only thing stopping them was themselves. Sure sometimes, they had parents or spouses who fed their fears...spewing propaganda and fear based messages like, "Get your head out of the clouds," or "The sooner you get realistic about things-the better." When others have that much impact on you, they are just tapping right into your own fears and those fears spread like a wild fire. In reverse, once you confront your fears and push through them, nobody can stop you from pursuing your dreams. I've heard excuses like, "I can't go back to school because I don't have the money," or "I never have time to dedicate to my dreams." There is simply no truth to those statements. As the saying goes...when there is a will, there is a way! Nothing can stop you once you believe in yourself. I had to put myself through college and grad schools. Sure, there were moments that I was exhausted from working up to three jobs but I pushed on. It took me longer than most to finish my undergraduate degree, but in the end who cares how long it took. The excuses are self imposed road blocks. Sometimes it feels easier to stay stagnant and safe yet the price you pay is more than you know. If you give up on your hopes, talents and dreams, then you become less of who you were meant to be. Boredom sets in, anger and resentment for life can take over and self loathing may become such an essential part of your being that the talents and dreams disappear completely and not even a shadow of your true self remains. You only gain by investing in yourself and in fact, you lose so much if you don't nurture your hopes and dreams. The most inspiring stories are those of people who risked everything to follow their hearts. I studied Henri Matisse this week for an art program to teach children about famous artists. Henri Matisse was a lawyer and had pressure from his father to be a successful attorney. Due to an illness, he was laid up for awhile and his mother bought him art supplies. He discovered a true love of art and decided to study art in Paris, which greatly disappointed his father. He later described art as "a kind of paradise." He followed his passion regardless of pressure and expectations and he found his bliss. That is what it should be like....that each one of us settles for nothing less than finding a piece of paradise. So, if there is something that you keep putting off...joining an art group, taking a class, writing, or pursuing a new job...don't let your fears stop you. Take one step toward embracing your dreams and find your bliss. "I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn't fall down"...(Allen H. Neuharth). "If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced"...(Vincent Van Gogh).

Understanding Women

I'm a woman obviously, so writing about women comes quite naturally. I've also listened to many hundreds of women clients, friends and family members stories, so I could write endlessly about women. First, the rule of thumb for men is "keep it simple" while for women...nothing is ever simple. There seems to be a little issue with the fact that men like things simple...women make things complex...which equals a big problem when it comes to men and women communicating. We are complex by nature I think. Perhaps it's the fact that we can bear children or perhaps it's because we are generally so emotional. Like the depths of the sea, women are mysterious and often misunderstood. Often, because we tend to be emotional, we don't even understand ourselves half the time. We can dive deep into an emotion and unravel every facet of it, which often drives men crazy. I watch in couples sessions when the women are reading a letter they wrote their partner (which often looks like a dissertation) while the men sit there with a baffled look in their eyes as if she is speaking a foreign language. That goes back to...men need things concrete and to the point and women often do not know how to simplify their emotions. We are emotional though and sometimes there does not need to be a solution, just listening can be key and all that is needed. For women, I advise venting to a journal first so as to not overwhelm the men in their life, then approach them with the cliff notes version of what they are trying to say. Women are pretty amazing though. A man in the sauna pointed out to me that women should be respected for the simple fact that mother nature made things tough on them just from having children alone. He said, "I could have never endured what my wife went through having babies, caring for the children and menopause." All men tell me though that they just don't understand why women seem to never let things go and they never forget an argument. I admit, we do have very good memories when it comes to arguments. Even though women tend to seem complex, we are pretty simple at heart. Women want to be desired, respected and adored by their partners. Women often suffer from the "caretaking complex," nurturing everyone in their lives except themselves. Women also tend to lose themselves in their roles of wives and mothers that they simply forget who they were and are at heart. Most women often have also endured harassment or abuses from the hands of men (fathers, bosses, husbands, brothers, strangers, dates) at some point in their lives. Those abuses can and often do create huge barriers for trust and enormous scars in a woman's development of self worth. Women of all ages also tend to have endless insecurities of fitting in, measuring up, or looking good enough which creates more self esteem issues in women often starting at very young ages. The journey for women is the same for men...that is to learn to honor yourself first and then and only then can you accept love from those around you. "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world"....(Lucille Ball).

Understanding Men

I have really been thinking about men lately. Since being catapulted back into the dating scene, I am now able to view men from a renewed perspective. First, I must start off saying that I adore men. I didn't really grow up with a lot of men around, so my experience and knowledge of them was very limited. I grew up with two sisters and a single mom, since my parents divorced when I was just a baby. So, without brothers or a main male figure in my life, I was kinda on my own to understand the male species. Needless to say, I was a bit lost once I started dating in college. Through the past twenty something years, I've counseled hundreds of men and learned enormously from being in an 18 year relationship. My two sons have also educated me enormously as well...and in fact, they show me every day just how different boys are from girls. My five year old son loves that he can pee in the woods, plays with trucks and cars endlessly and calls me "momma" in such a way that melts my heart. My ten year old son also teaches me daily about how boys love video games and can somehow grasp the complex world of competition with the use of a handheld X-Box controller. In counseling and now dating, I have observed that we have a bit of a crisis in society, regarding the self esteem of men. Men seem to struggle with meeting endless expectations of them and often can end up misguided in their attempts to recover some confidence. Those that are older and divorced seem fearful of women castrating them after brutal relationships that made them feel less than perfect. That goes back to the premise though that some men may have married to fulfill expectations but didn't really follow their hearts when it came to choosing a mate. Once they are tossed back out into the dating scene, they are scarred, bruised and more guarded than ever, simply not trusting themselves anymore. Some emerge more confident, but very few it seems. One man e-mailed me a simple question, "Why are so many people divorced?" I responded with my theory about how few actually marry for love and he responded back saying: "That is very true. I didn't marry for love, I was more concerned with money and my career. I also married to fulfill my families expectations of being a successful male." Men do have a lot of expectations placed on them. The responsible ones try to please everyone and truly end up frustrated when it's never enough and more and more is expected of them. Women often feel that way too but men often do carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. The men that succumb to the macho expectations unfortunately dominate and control women to feel powerful and to mask their insecurities. That model only does more damage to women and children and ultimately to the man itself because he alienates himself from everyone he cares about. Overall, men and women want the same things, to be valued, respected and acknowledged for who they are and what they can contribute. Women are not the only sex wanting emotional connection. Men crave connection too, but it alludes them as well because they are not connected with themselves. Men are suffering as much as women from insecurities, frustration and poor self worth. Men strive for money and power because they believe and have been taught that somehow those things make the man. They may achieve those things but they may only create a monster. The wiser, more confident men realize that those things are not the answer but still may have to contend with jokes and ostracism for not being "man" enough. The more sensitive men either have to cover up their emotions or find other ways to feel like a man. Many men don't really know how to accept compliments or how to trust that women can love and adore them. Again, some men make women submissive to feel adored. That is not the same thing...because it is control and fear, not adoration based on love and respect. Basically, many men secretly don't feel they deserve to be loved, so they sabotage or push away love. We have a problem overall in society where men and women are just not truly connected to their hearts. Everyone is running around trying to fit in, please others, fulfill obligations and secretly not feeling good enough. The older ones are bruised from tough relationships, more fearful than ever about letting one's guard down. The answer is complex yet simple. It begins with connecting to oneself, healing wounds from the past and getting back in touch and thus trusting your heart center. All of that is no easy task yet living a disconnected life is one that is empty and painful, so either way, there is work involved. My hope is that more men can find their way back to who they really are and trust enough to open their hearts. When men and women can heal themselves and begin honoring how amazing both sexes are, then we can begin to heal as a society. The journey begins with each individual willing to find their way inward to simply just honor who they are as individuals. "We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies"....(Roderick Thorp).

Footprints In The Sand

There is a famous poem by Mary Stevenson called, "Footprints In The Sand." I also discovered an inspirational song with same title by Leona Lewis. The premise of the poem and song is the theme of being carried by god when you can no longer walk, thus being carried by faith. What else is there to sustain us when we feel so alone, struggling with pain and needing something or someone to carry us. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I was really grappling with some things I have observed all around me. First, why is it that so many people, some with good hearts, still inflict such pain onto others. Why do men beat and rape women? Why do women and men do cruel things to one another? Why do people push love away? Why do so many choose misery over love? Why do people use each other, lie to one another and dishonor themselves and those around them with their bad behavior? Obviously, I had a tough day with thoughts like that streaming through my mind. I know the answer to those questions...that so many people, so very many are broken. In fact, not just broken slightly but in some cases, broken in a thousand little pieces. Many broken people cause pain to those around them. The insightful ones do little harm to others but stay hiding in their caves, only causing more pain for themselves. I have learned quite a bit while dating thanks to the dating web sites. As in life, some of the people on there are out to use others and they clearly misrepresent themselves. I have also conversed with some very nice people, genuinely looking for love. In having some discussions however, I have discovered some men out there who clearly only have selfish intentions when it comes to women. I have also had men tell me that they have been duped by women misrepresenting themselves and lying. Lots and lots of broken souls out there. I have also had discussions with men and women who admit that they have sabotaged something incredible because they were afraid. It just broke my heart yesterday to think that people have the possibility for true love, for bliss, to experience the best life has to offer....and they push it away. People create their own misery and cause pain to others because they are simply afraid. It was too much for me to bare yesterday. I am usually the optimist, the cheerleader and I smile my way through life. Yesterday however, all I could do was cry. I guess I needed it...to cry for humanity, for my losses and to just honor pain. I didn't intend to wallow (well maybe a little)...just knew I needed a good cry. So, I cried and cried and yet I was still able to enjoy the beauty of the clouds and the sky. I also knew that my perspective would be renewed with the dawn of a new day. I remain eternally hopeful about love, joy, peace and compassion. It's the only path to follow really. Love is the answer, even when others sarcastically laugh, or hide or hate or sabotage....love is the only answer in this life that makes any sense. The love I nourish, express and feel within my heart and within my entire being, feeds me daily and is carrying me where I need to go. Where am I going? I'm not sure yet, but with love in my heart....no worries, I'll be taken care of. As for the saddness I felt yesterday, we all have those moments. I needed to be carried yesterday....and for that, I am grateful. “When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly"...(Patrick Overton).


Footprints In The Sand: Leona Lewis
Songwriters: Cowell, Simon; Kreuger, David Bengt; Magnusson, Per Olof; Page, Richard

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I'm going

You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much unknown
Along the way

Then I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
And I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times I've lied
And been so afraid

And just when I
I thought I'd lost my way
You gave me strenght to carry on

That's when I heard you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
Oh, I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand
When I'm weary
Well I know you'll be there
And I can feel you
When you say

I promise you
I'm always there
When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I'll carry you
When you need a friend
You'll find my footprints in the sand