Carpe Diem

The energy that motivates us into action can often be building for quite some time. At some particular moment however, the energy shifts into high gear and we have an opportunity to seize the moment and act. Carpe Diem is a statement made famous from the movie, The Dead Poet's Society. It is translated from Latin as 'seize the day'. It is a profound statement of declaring the moment as the only one that counts and it's about taking a leap of faith. We only have one life to live, so what do we have to lose by seizing the moment. My sister seized the moment when she drove onto the lot of 20th Century Fox and started her career in casting. I even seized the moment when I wrote my first blog article. I had an intuitive moment, listened to my gut and followed through. When I was living in CA and my sister who was living in NYC said her roommate was moving out....I seized the moment and without much thought said, "I'll move to NYC and live with you." When my husband and I purchased our first home, intuition led me on a detour one morning to get coffee. On that detour, I came across the house we ended up buying. We put $5,000 down on that house, all the money we had at that time. My gut said to do it and I am so glad that we did. Thanks to the market value of that house increasing so significantly, it paid off all of my student loans and still made so much money in equity that we were able to buy a larger house. At Starbucks this morning, a guy walks in wearing shorts and we are in the middle of a snow storm! Guess he decided to seize the moment and behave as if it's 70 degrees out. Our reality is whatever we make it! I am trying to teach my kids about being in the moment and taking chances. Life can be pretty boring if you spend it playing it safe. Here are some fun quotes about Carpe Diem. "Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think"....(Chinese Proverb). "Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right"...(H.H. "Breaker" Morant). "Go for it now. The future is promised to no one"...(Wayne Dyer). "Every man dies. Not every man really lives"....(Braveheart). "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive"...(Elbert Hubbard). "As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do"...(Zachary Scott). What moments have you had in your life when you really seized the moment? What are your dreams, the ones that make you want to seize the moment? Would you seize the moment or talk yourself out of it? Just some important questions to ask yourself. I am going to seize the moment and head outside to have a snowball fight with my kids. Carpe Diem...seize the moment and make it happen. Trust life, trust your gut and follow your heart and leap into the unknown. We all know stories of people who play it safe. How many of our parents, friends and family do we all have that live life in a very predictable way, never taking chances. Many people talk themselves out of their dreams, their intuition and their heartfelt desires. They tell themselves that "It's crazy, it can never happen, or it would never work." Let the universe work out the logistics....if you think it, feel it then dream it, the universe will conspire to make it happen. Honor yourself to take the leap to seize the day. Life is full of opportunity, believe in yourself and the rest will work itself out. So "Carpe Diem" I say loudly as we soon head into the new year. Make 2010 the best year ever by finally being true to yourself in every way possible! "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever"....(Mahatma Gandhi).

Coming Back to Life

When you have been suffering, living your life in silence and you finally declare how you feel.....you find yourself coming back to life. Often people suffer because they made huge life choices with their minds not their hearts and find themselves greatly unhappy, detached and confused wondering how they got there. When you make choices with your mind you are going down a checklist of traits or requirements, overlooking how you really feel. Often people learn to ignore how they really feel, regarding emotions as ridiculous, weak or irrational. So the mind rules the life and makes choices based on ego and insecurities. Is it any wonder that people end up unhappy at some point, when they can no longer ignore those silly emotions and they begin the process of waking up. Many movies and books are based on this premise. One client came back to life when she divorced her husband. She faced her deepest fears, found her independence, stood up to her family system and found herself in the process. Another client, after his spouse left him, looked deeper in himself, discovered parts of his life he had neglected and realized that he had let himself slip away. One client came to see me when she realized she hated going to work every day. She had been conditioned by her family to go into the corporate world, but she hated it. Once she owned how she really felt, she decided to go back to grad school to become a social worker. She came back life when she started living life on her terms and is now very happy, working in a career she loves. The growth process of coming back to life is one of liberation and freedom. I too had made some life choices with my mind instead of my heart, which is why I know all too well now, that the heart should always lead the way. No matter what path you take, there are always lessons along the way and as I have found, the wrong path often illuminates the right one and teaches us the most. Sometimes we make the leap to change and other times it is forced upon us. Either way, it is an opportunity to come back to life. Having counseled so many individuals through the hardest times in their lives, I can tell you that they always come out the other side, stronger and more in tune with who they are. Some slip away and refuse to grow, but more often than not, they seize the opportunity to figure out who they are and change for the better. Sometimes, certain relationships can drastically affect you negatively, literally sucking the life out of you. When I was 18, my college boyfriend was controlling, cheating on me and abusive. At 20, when I finally had the courage to break up with him, I absolutely came back to life. Within months I looked better, was having fun again and felt more empowered, although many more lessons were still to come. I remember looking across the cafeteria at him and his new girlfriend and the vitality she once had was gone. I could already see that he was sucking the life out of her. Some people and situations and even jobs can affect us so profoundly that they deplete our life force. Once you are out of those situations, you literally come back to life. The lesson....to also be aware when something or someone is affecting you so negatively that you don't feel like yourself, you lose parts of yourself or you are no longer happy. It is always a lesson in empowerment to define life for yourself and not let anyone or anything define it for you. A situation or person should never have more power or control, for any healthy relationship should consist of mutual support, caring and encouragement. So come back to life by declaring your life as worthy and valuable and never allow anyone else to define it for you. You life is worthy and the journey starts with you.

Compromises

We all make them...compromises. The issue becomes, what price do we pay sometimes for making certain compromises. A female client came to me in crisis. The compromise she made, giving up the sexual side of herself to stay in a loveless marriage. In fact, I come across this dynamic all of the time with individuals and couples. Many are afraid to make the difficult decisions of parting from an unhappy marriage, so they sell off parts of themselves to keep it going. The real issues can never be completely avoided however and often come out eventually, once you have nothing left of your self esteem or you can't take it anymore. This client wanted me to help her stay in her marriage, yet her feelings were trying to wake her up to how she really felt about her marriage. Another woman came to me confused when she found herself angry every time her husband touched her. Upon further exploration, it turns out her husband had been verbally and emotionally abusing her for years. She compromised how she really felt until her anger woke her up. Regarding sex in relationships.....it is very telling when that part of the relationship deteriorates. Sex is a form of communication and expression, so when that part of the relationship fails, then the state of the entire relationship is in crisis. "Your sexual expression is conditioned by who you are, as well as by what you believe you are worth"...(B. Marciniak, The Path of Empowerment). By the time people face how they are really feeling in a relationship, the avoidance has reached it's maximum and things are pretty bad at that point. Another client came to me in crisis after his spouse ended the relationship with him. He still wanted the relationship to continue, even though she clearly had no feelings for him and avoided sex whenever possible. Why do so many men and women put up with this dynamic? Do people really feel they deserve to be neglected? Nobody deserves neglect....but you teach people how to treat you so if you allow it, on some level, you feel you deserve it. It is also very unhealthy to suppress your sexual side to keep a relationship going. That is self neglect at it's best. Sexual energy is a vital force, part of one's expression in life. If you deny such a vital force in your life then you completely compromise who you are. I have counseled many clients who engaged in affairs to cope with failing marriages. The affairs are the symptom, the issues in the marriage still need to be addressed. Yes, often affairs act as the catalyst to help wake people up to face their failing marriages, but sometimes people stay in affairs which solves nothing and only causes more hurt eventually. As a society, we need to value the expression of sex as sacred and allow it to teach us who we are and how we really feel. "Sex is a dance of energy; it is your contact point with the vital force of creation as well as a declaration of your identity in physical reality. Sexuality is an essential aspect of your creativity; when founded upon worthy values, your sexual experiences will offer romance, excitement, trust, sharing, intimacy, passion, pleasure, fun, exuberance, caring, love, and self-worth"....(B.Marciniak, The Path of Empowerment). Evaluate who you are through your sexual expression and set out on a path of self empowerment by allowing your sex life to be alive, wonderful and exciting and steer clear of any expressions of sex that is demeaning, frustrating or obligatory. Life can be full of fun when you stop compromising who you are and allow sex to be a shining aspect in your life, otherwise life feels pretty empty and frustrating. So start enjoying yourself, attract positive experiences.......and enjoy the game of life.

Introspection

Now that it is winter, we are in the energy of introspection and contemplation. Winter stimulates a greater expression of the energies of love, intuition, illumination and meditation. Winter is a time for withdrawal from activities so that we can give birth to new aspects of the self. I have been reflecting a lot lately about life. As I contemplate my past, it helps me put the present into perspective. We learn about who we are and how we got here from glancing at the past. I have been having fun scanning pictures from the past and posting them on Facebook. It's fun to observe the journey and remember the people you learned a long side, laughed and grew in many ways with. Even though some paths may have parted, you honor each person who helped you discover who you are just by remembering them. As I look back I am reminded of my mantra, that things happen for a reason. On my journey, I had to switch schools and move to a new area in 8th grade. It was an adjustment at the time. Now as I post pictures on Facebook of the high school friends I made, some of whom I am still close with, I am thankful that my mom made that move way back then. I was set to attend college at UC Santa Barbara until my dad insisted that I attend UC Riverside. There was no good reason for attending UC Riverside, it was just what he wanted. That is another example of things happening for a reason. At the time I was upset that I did not attend the college of my choice. However as I also go through old pictures from college and post some on facebook, I am deeply grateful that my dad threw me a curve ball and made me attend that college. Sometimes students I counsel do not get accepted to the college of their choice, or their parents insist on a school for them as well. Sometimes we have no idea at the time that things are happening just as they should. Often the path not chosen turns out to be the best one for your lessons. People play instrumental parts in our growth and often we are guided right where we need to be at exactly the right time to meet them. I even ended up in Connecticut just by making one friend at grad school who was from CT. Rather than staying angry at opportunities you think you missed or at not getting into the right school or the right job, pay attention to where you are guided and trust that it is in the best interest for your growth at the time. We are also instrumental in guiding opportunities and people to us as well. It is a process of trusting that if we put out there what we want, we will do the work to get it. We also need to trust though when the opportunity has not yet presented itself. Things will happen at the most opportune time. So as I contemplate life, I am no longer angry at my dad or mom for making decisions that I did not agree with and in fact very thankful. Everything did happen in ways that helped me grow and learn the most and I am deeply grateful for that. To all of the friends I have made along the way: Thank you so much for sharing the journey with me, I am so glad that I have had each and every one of you in my life. Life is an adventure.....so honor your path, be grateful for the twists and turns and always enjoy your friends.

Christmas

Christmas is such a magical time. It seems to bring about an attitude of joy, festivities and celebration. Aside from the shopping and the busy stores, we all get a little nicer, kinder and sentimental during this month. The festivities bring family and friends together and the parties bring joy and laughter. At my kids schools, the excitement is in the air as they have their holiday plays, parties and make crafty gifts to bring home. The month sure flies by with all of the busyness, but there is nothing like the beautiful holiday decorations, holiday music and kindness in the air. I just watched "The Grinch" and I love the end, when he realizes that Christmas does not come from a store wrapped in a box, bag or bow, "perhaps Christmas means a little bit more." Here are some inspiring quotes about Christmas. "Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful"...(Norman Vincent Peale). "Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind"...(Mary Ellen Chase). "I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys"...(Charles Dickens). As I listen to Tony Bennett's Christmas CD and watch the snow fall outside, my heart warms with the Christmas spirit. The spirit of the the birth of Christ is a sentiment that is inspiring as well, regardless of religious affiliation or beliefs. The lessons teaching of service and humility, forgiveness, faith, turning the other cheek, and love for humanity. This is a time of year when we all are more open to kindness, charity, and reaching out to loved ones. Of course since I am idealistic, it sure would be nice if everyone could carry a bit more holiday cheer throughout the year and not only in December. Here is my holiday wish for each and every day, 365 days a year. I wish for hearts to heal and be open to forgiveness and compassion. I wish to celebrate each and every day as if it is Christmas morning, filled with the joy of waking up and the faith that there is magic happening all around us. Lastly, I wish for hope and love to light our hearts with the sentiment of Christmas throughout the year. Have a very Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Holidays!

Don't Let Go

"I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly"..(Buckminster Fuller). Why do so many people give up essential parts of themselves for the sake of relationships? Shouldn't a healthy relationship encourage both people to be who they are completely. The problem is that so many of us watch parents give up who they are and society says, "it's time to grow up," so parts of yourself begin to fade away. We should ideally encourage children to be who they are and to honor their interests. We should do the same for ourselves. I know that I was guilty of sacrificing parts of myself for my marriage and the kids. I felt this internal pressure to take care of everyone and I slowly let important things in my life drift away. During the years of having children, I gave up hiking and several other interests. I rationalized that I did not have time for those things, but I got to a point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was trying to be the mom and wife I was expected to be but lost parts of Denise in the process. During the past several years I essentially vowed to get back to me. I had to begin to trust being me and however that shifted the relationships around me, so be it. I learned considerably during the years of sacrifice. How can you discover who you really are, without losing your way for awhile. Clarity often comes from crisis. I began to see clearly how I couldn't sacrifice myself anymore because the price was just too high. My role with my children shifted positively. They began to see me happier and taking better care of myself. I feel like a healthier role model, showing them that adults don't have to be miserable, lose who they are or go through the motions. What do children have to look forward to if they see adults cranky, edgy and unhappy. No wonder so many teens spin out of control. They often start responding by feeling lost and not respecting the adults around them, who lecture them but don't seem happy themselves. Wouldn't you want to rebel too if there was nothing to look forward to? I've counseled several women this week who listed off things they gave up for their families. One woman gave up going to the gym, because her husband seemed cranky every time she went to leave. Another gave up her hobbies, because her husband gave her a hard time. Another mom suffers from the "guilty mom" syndrome. She gave up time with her friends, believing that she was being selfish if she spent any time away from her kids. One husband gave up cycling, because his wife believed he should. I am not saying that there should never be some compromises, but relationships should encourage each person to feel whole and to honor cherished activities, interests and hobbies. You are not a better spouse for giving up parts of yourself if you end up resentful, feeling empty, angry or numb. You should honor yourself and each other, not make demands on who the other person "should" be. If you don't like who the person is, then the relationship needs to be examined. More importantly, examine how you are feeling, what you are missing and what you need to do to get back to you. The woman who gave up the gym decided to go anyway and ride out her husbands complaining. She even decided to do more hobbies on her own and not cater to her husbands moods so easily anymore. The woman with the "guilty mom" syndrome committed to socializing once a month with friends and realized that she will be a stronger mom if she has an outlet once in awhile. I end up with a lot of clients on the verge of major depression or anxiety, often due to the fact that they feel lost and no longer know who they are, due to numerous sacrifices. The lesson....get back to you. How much have you sacrificed for others? Honor how you feel and begin talking through and negotiating time to get back to the things you love. If there is respect in the relationship, the other person will support your growth. Be in harmony with yourself and trust the process of life to help show you what needs to be addressed in your life and never let go of what you love. "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you"...(Ralph Waldo Emerson).

The Energy of Joy and Laughter

What would life be like if we didn't have humor. A good laugh can be the best medicine. Often when clients come to see me, the one's who can still manage to have a sense a humor about things no matter how bleak things look, appear to cope better then their counterparts who lack a funny bone. Life can be pretty funny if you allow room for a brighter perspective. A client of mine has a sister who struggles with mental illness. The issues my client has to face are pretty stressful, but her coping skill is humor. Sure she has learned to set boundaries, to discuss her feelings and to cope with the realities of mental illness, but humor helps her through the day. Life's difficulties can be funny sometimes, once you learn how to view numerous angles to every situation. Have you ever had something happen that was pretty crazy....but later you have a good laugh over it. When I ended up in Canada by mistake, we had a good laugh, as did everyone I told the story to. I hear people day in and day out, tell me their secrets and stories. Sometimes during session, the client and I have a heartfelt laugh over what is going on in their lives. Humor breaks tension and helps each of us remember the lighter side of life. Often laughter will help us feel a sense of joy. Regarding joy, it is so important to have things in your life that bring you joy. A joyful heart sees the beauty in life and expresses it to those around them. Here are some qoutes about joy. "Joy is not in things; it is in us”...(Richard Wagner). “Joy is the feeling of grinning inside"...(Melba Colgrove). "There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward"...(Kahlil Gibran). My kids are so open and honest about their joy. When they are joyful and in the moment, their laughter is contagious. So often, people get caught up in their daily living of routine, that they forget to sit back, enjoy the moment and have a good laugh. During my childhood, my favorite television show was "I Love Lucy." That show always made me laugh and it was my therapy at the time. I just loved how Lucy would turn something simple into the craziest, funniest situation. I know that I must have seen every episode. So find your humor, those things or special people that make you laugh and bring you joy. Life is just not the same without the energy of joy and laughter in our lives, so let yourself go and enjoy the fun side of life. "I'm not funny, what I am is brave"...(Lucille Ball).

A Wonderful Life

My all time favorite movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." I remember watching it as a young child, so mesmerized by the story of a man who thinks that everyone would be better off if he had never been born. As a child, the movie gave me hope about the value of each and every life. In the movie, the character was shown how he had made a huge impact on those around him and if he had not been born, many lives around him would have been altered drastically. The movie affected me profoundly because I struggled with the issue of my existence as a child. I often wondered why I was born at all and for what reason. I would think to myself, what value do I add to this earth? Yes, pretty philosophical for a child, but when the adults around you don't let you know how valuable you are, you begin to question such things. All I knew was that the adults around me did not seem overjoyed about being parents, my dad was gone and my mom disappeared in her own way, emotionally. So this Frank Capra movie gave me hope! It must be true, I would think to myself, that I am here for a reason, even if those reasons were not clear to me at the time. I just trusted that like the character in the movie, my role here would eventually reveal itself. It is so amazing how a movie can be a guiding light for a child, but it was. Proof right there that Frank Capra and everyone involved in making that film, affected someones life, mine. Each soul makes an impact and leaves an imprint, forever shifting and changing everyone they touch. Now as a therapist, my role is to help each person value themselves and their lives. Like "It's a Wonderful Life," I try to help people find their way and to realize that they too are here for a reason. The movie also speaks to the issue of hope, faith and love....in the midst of pain and fear. The end of the movie is so inspiring, when he finally realizes that nothing really matters except love and that he wants to live. When he is surrounded by all of the people his life has touched, he smiles in acknowledgement that his life meant so much more than money, prestige and power. He is grateful in the end for just being alive and knowing that he truly had a wonderful life. That has been my journey too, to find my purpose, to know that I am here for a reason and that I have impacted people's lives for the better. I've come a long way from the lost little girl confused about her existence and can say with a smile now, that I have a wonderful life and I am deeply grateful to be here. If you happen to catch "It's a Wonderful Life" this holiday season, I hope it inspires you to ponder as well, how important your life is too. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? [Inscribed in a copy of Tom Sawyer] "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence"...(It's a Wonderful Life).

The Journey of Hope

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love"...(Stendhal). One of my clients noticed on my profile that one of my favorite movies is "The Notebook," so I received a text informing me that it was on this weekend. I am a hopeless romantic I guess. I have always loved movies based on true love. One of the first movies I remember watching about love was a Christopher Reeves movie called "Somewhere in Time." The stories are all similar in that a true heart connection exists between souls and the test is whether they follow their hearts or let their fears, society or numerous other pressures get in the way. The other similarity is that hope is always involved. You cannot have love without a spark of hope guiding the way. As with any love in life, whether it be toward another person, a cherished dream, a career or a personal goal, hope lights the horizon and makes the impossible seem possible. In "The Notebook," the main character Noah almost gives up hope but never stops loving her and with that, his hope never fades completely. A client recently told me a story of a child who had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Even with the worse prognosis, the family, friends and community, joined together and gave hope to this child. The child knew that he was going to die, but hope and ultimately love united them all. Hope is a like a prayer, igniting one's truest desires and keeping them alive. What would we have if there was never hope.....despair? "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing"....(author unknown). Hope is always worth the risk, because nothing risked is nothing gained, as the saying goes. People often sit back and take the easy way out, hoping for nothing and risking nothing. The price they pay? Feeling their heart connection. People numb themselves and build barricades of defenses to hide behind. We all know people like that and may all be guilty of it at some time in our lives. Again, the price paid is pain anyway. You either risk pain or feel pain through detachment. Pain can never be avoided but hope offers opportunity and a chance for getting what you want. The journey of hope starts with a reconnection to your heart. The heart knows the way and the mind needs to step aside. The mind is often the barrier, negotiating and warning the heart that it might get hurt. The rationalization is the defense preventing the heart from leading the way. People often close up their hearts after they've been hurt. The heart need to heal, but closing it off and never taking another risk in loving is futile and the only one that ultimately hurts is you. So take a risk, trust your heart and allow hope to blossom. "The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"...(Allan K. Chalmers).

Tis The Season

It's 24 degrees and the stores are decked out with holiday decorations and the center of town is lined with beautifully lit trees. Earlier this evening, my daughter pulled out a big roll of wrapping paper and she wanted to wrap a bunch of her toys to give to her baby brother, just to pretend it's Christmas. The kids had a blast and all it cost me was some wrapping paper. I wish Christmas was so easy. Wouldn't that be great. All I would have to do is wrap a bunch of the toys they already have and I'd be done with my Christmas shopping! Maybe they'd appreciate their toys more, the ones they never play with, if they got to unwrap them again. The difficulty with kids today is helping them value what they have and to teach them to not buy into the whole "more is better" philosophy. It is a challenge that many parents face today. It seems like children are surrounded by peers and commercials pushing the latest game system, iPods, toys, movies and more. I hate sounding like my own mother but I was so happy to get the few presents I received growing up. We also did not have the technology or sheer choices children have today. It amazes me how my kids can navigate the computer and my iPhone better then I can. This year, I've decided to give them less stuff and give them some coupons for day trips to amusement parks and the zoo. I'd rather spend time with them having fun then give them piles of toys and games that will end up under their beds or piled in a corner by the end of January. I also have them bag up some of their old toys every December to donate to Goodwill and the local residential center for children. My kids know that Santa needs them to make room for their gifts and they get to help out other children by giving away their old toys. In this season of giving, I'd like my children to learn the value of helping others. I would like my children to learn the true meaning of abundance as well and to appreciate everything they have in their lives. Here are some inspiring quotes about abundance. "You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might also pray in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance"-(Kahlil Gibran). "Your most precious, valued possessions and your greatest powers are invisible and intangible. No one can take them. You, and you alone, can give them. You will receive abundance for your giving"-(W. Clement Stone). "To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance"-(Buddha). So during this holiday season of frantic shopping, socializing and celebrating, we must also remember to feel gratitude and to not lose sight of the true holiday spirit.....sharing our love. We truly have abundance of spirit when we give our love, appreciation and compassion to those around us. So pull out your favorite holiday movie, make some popcorn and sit back and enjoy the season....and as I say to my kids, it's not all about the stuff. "Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love"...(Hamilton Wright Mabi).

Undeclared

"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows"....(Buddha). I was speaking with a college aged client recently and was reminded of the pressure to declare a major in college. I was undeclared and undecided as long as I could be, then finally settled on Liberal Arts. It was the quickest way to get out of college at that point and blended two of my favorite interests, psychology and art. I remember feeling somehow not serious enough when everybody had their majors picked out by sophomore year. Well as time went on, many of those people changed their majors or graduated and went into a line of work completely unrelated from their degree. I know people in their 30's and 40's, and older still majoring in "undeclared" in life. Undecided means you are open to finding a new path and new opportunities. It is pretty daunting to try to figure out what you want to do with your entire life at the age of 21 or so. You are just discovering who you are in your 20's, so your major is really minor, while getting to know who you are is your major. Okay, some people come out of the womb focused on what they want to be when they grow up, but that is far from the norm and they are the exception to the rule. The focus in life should not be the pressure to fulfill some societal rule but to find your calling in life. I am watching many clients at various ages, now going through many changes from marriages falling apart, job losses and every other kind of loss imaginable. People just can't escape who they are, what they created and what they have avoided in their lives. The "going through the motions" kind of life is no longer cutting it. Like my college aged client relating to me the pressure she feels to "have it all figured out," so many others followed the same path. When you are suppose to have it all together, you may be doing it out of expectations rather than truly finding your own way, even when that means your own way appears as if you're lost for awhile. Being lost is not as horrible as it sounds.....it just means you are not pretending to know what you want and are brave enough to not cling to the illusion of security. My advice to that college student, "don't panic, you'll figure it out and don't rush into any decisions to please others." No matter what age you are, it is never too late to figure out who you are and to "major" in yourself. It's not about pleasing parents, spouses, bosses, children and so on. First make peace with yourself, otherwise you end up giving away pieces of who you are with each compromise you make. I know all too well. Over the last 19 years (and perhaps my entire life), I slowly gave away a piece of who I was to please others and several months ago, decided to take it back. It was a lesson born out of years of introspection. I am no longer willing to sacrifice who I am for anybody anymore. I majored in me....and finally figured out who I am. I counsel people all the time that tell me similar stories, saying things like "I lost who I was" or "I let important parts of myself go to make a relationship or career function." The price is just too high. "Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the worlds, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairy-tale, by love"...(Ben Okri). Create the life you have always dreamed of and finally declare your major.......you!

Love is Everything

In college, I was in a sorority and we always recited this passage from the bible: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"....(1 Corinthians 13:4-7). What a beautiful passage! I did not grow up religious. In fact since my mom is agnostic, we got to enjoy a potluck of religions, joining our friends at whatever church they belonged. In that way, I grew up exposed to a lot of different religions. I guess it was one less pressure I had in my life and it taught me various beliefs and ceremonies associated with each religion. One church gave the kids candy, so I liked that religion for awhile. Without a religion however, I was on my own to find spirituality. In college when I would recite "Love is patient," I could not even begin to understand the depth of those words. Maybe I was too young to get it, perhaps it was because I was not yet spiritual, or maybe it was because I was still undeveloped emotionally, but that deeply moving passage from the Bible were just words at the time. Now as I contemplate life and love, those words from "Love is patient".....say it all. Everybody says,"I love you".....but do they really mean them? It's sort of the like the greeting card issue, when people send excessively sappy cards, but don't mean a word that is printed inside of them. I watch couples in therapy say "I love you," but then disclose awful behaviors they have done to each other. I counseled a man yesterday who professed his love to his spouse, yet throughout their marriage acted in very disrespectful ways. Is that love? That's not love in my book. The passage from the bible, "Love is patient"....is one of the most popular for wedding ceremonies. We'd have a better success rate for marriages if people really felt the words in the passage and then lived by them. Certainly marriage and relationships are complicated, yet love is so simple. Of course, if people acted in loving ways to their children, then those children would have a much better chance of growing up and being able to have loving relationships as adults. Loving behavior can heal generations! It all starts with one soul willing to change the pattern. Okay I sound like a therapist, but as a therapist I get to bear witness to all of the hurt, pain and wounds caused by unloving behaviors. This goes back to my mantra, it all starts with you. I found an additional passage while researching, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love"....(1 John 4:18). Think about those passages, reciting them to yourself first. Wouldn't it be great to be patient and kind to yourself? It would be equally wonderful to not put yourself down or keep a running tally of your mistakes. It would be healing for individuals to have hope, to be authentic and then the courage to not fear and to pass all of that love onto others as well. Call me idealistic, but it can happen, one individual at a time. So as I write this blog and read the words again and again, "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy".....the meaning moves me profoundly and I know that I have grown tremendously from my college days. I found spirituality in a life without religious structure and I rediscovered a passage from the bible that are words to live by. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love".....(1 Corinthians 13:13).

Kids

"What is a home without children? Quiet"....(Henny Youngman). I just love kids. They are so honest about what they want and how they feel. My four year old Austin has called out to me at least 10 times over the past half hour. He wanted milk, then a new DVD on, the lights off, etc. Finally I said to him, "Who do you think I am, your slave?" His response, "No, you are my servant." I had to laugh! At Disney World I had a button pinned to my purse that said, "1st time (at Disney)." Austin notices the button and says, "Hey mom, it's your purses first time to Disney World." Several years ago we were on vacation in the Bahamas. I was getting ready to go to dinner and I was wearing black shorts and a black shirt. My oldest looked at me wide eyed and said, "Are you heading out to see clients?" I was surprised and told him, "Of course not, we are on vacation." His response, "Well you are wearing your uniform, so I thought you were going to work." Because I wear so much black to work, he thought that black clothes were my uniform! My youngest also thought that I had a part-time job at the gym because I always head out at night to workout. He thought that workout meant I worked there. Last week my husband was being silly and flexing his muscles like the hulk in front of the kids. Austin said, "Hey daddy, you can kill monsters!" On vacation, my mom thought the kids were being rude by throwing their clean clothes on the floor, which she had washed and left on the beds. I said, "Mom, they are kids, they don't care about clean clothes.....they just wanted to jump on the beds." Right now, my other two angels are fighting upstairs over the remote. They better get use to that battle because it will carry through into adulthood with their spouses. My daughter dumped an entire bowl of popcorn on her brothers head, just for fun. I'm so glad we have hardwood floors throughout the house. It's pretty much a must when you have kids, because it's so much easier to clean up the numerous messes kids make. I think that sibling relationships are early practice for marriage. Siblings love and hate each other, sometimes all in the same breathe. Sure sounds like marriage to me. As siblings, you have to learn how to negotiate, be heard, share and compromise. Hopefully the battles balance out the love and affection. My kids were hugging and joking in line at Disney. A surprised gentleman in line behind us asked if they were siblings. I said yes and the man told me that he too has kids at approximately the same ages and was surprised at how well my kids were getting along, because his kids fight all the time. With that, my daughter smiled and punched her brother. I guess she just wanted to make him feel better about his own children. My daughter Taylor likes to snag money she sees lying around. She's an honest thief since she always fesses up and gives the money back. When I was pregnant with Taylor I ran into a friend of mine (who happens to be a psychic) and he told me she was going to be a strong girl and give me a run for my money. I was telling Taylor this story and she said "How did he know that I was going to steal your money!" I thought this was hysterical. My kids cannot understand why the tooth fairy gives different amounts of money at each house. I think there should be a website listing the standard going rate for teeth, so that all the tooth fairies everywhere can be equitable and fair listed by each state. When I am having a tough day, my kids will inevitably say or do something that makes me smile. Sure, there are also days where they will also test every limit, fight incessantly and complain endlessly. The rewards far out way the stresses however when you watch them blossom, learn and grow and when they tell you,"I love you and your the best mom ever," unsolicited. Our children teach us about the true meaning of life and love each and every day. "We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body"...(Ralph Waldo Emerson).

DysFUNctional Greeting Cards

Now that it is holiday time, I have been reminded that shopping for greeting cards can be painfully difficult. The reason? Greeting cards are often very sappy, sentimental and way over the top or sarcastic and goofy. There seems to be no in between. You end up pouring over absolutely every card and none of them say what you are really feeling. In fact, the cards are kinda depressing because you wonder, "are there really families out there that feel this way or are treated this way?" When I was younger, I would think my family was the only dysfunctional one out there, because all of the sentimental cards portray the most amazing, nurturing relationships. In fact, that is the point. The cards can be so outrageous in the sentiment, that nobody actually feels that way. What is portrayed in those types of cards is just not real and does not accurately portray how people really feel. My view may be a bit jaded because as a therapist I get to hear first hand the incredible dysfunction happening in many families but if you watch a little reality TV, the news or Dr. Phil, you will see that there is a lot of dysfunction going on out there! The other problem is that people often feel less than loved if they do not receive one of those sappy cards for Valentine's Day, Birthday's etc, and often feel obligated to give them as well. Come on people, a card from Hallmark is not the issue. If not receiving one signifies you are not loved, perhaps there are deeper issues to uncover. People are just continuing to cover up how they are really feeling or buying into store bought versions of reality. I love it when my kids make their own cards for me chock full of misspelled words, sloppy writing and a colorful drawing from them. At least I know that what they write and draw is from the heart. I also buy simple, generic cards which seems better than the ridiculous offerings at the greeting card isles. Most are filled with amazing words of thanks and gratitude for family members either in denial or incredibly needy. I have had clients tell me that they are tortured with the same problem. Some parents of clients have complained that their kids don't appreciate them if the card they receive is not sappy enough! Talk about a guilt trip! I hate the idea of spending $3-$5 dollars for a piece of paper often filled with things you don't mean. I'd prefer sincerity. Yes the generic card may be simple, but at least the words I write, I really mean. Cards for parents say stuff like, "You have always been the light of my life, the jewel that shines, the oar to my boat and always there for me." Or how about this,"You have been by my side every step of the way without ever asking for anything." Hmmm, what if that is just not the case. What if what you'd really like to say is, "I Know you were never there for me...but I love you anyway." Now that's honesty! How about a card saying, "To my Dad and Step-mom" or vice versa, or how about to my mom and mom/dad and dad since there are many same sex parents out there too. Given that many families are blended and by no means traditional, why not offer cards for that huge segment of the population. To be honest, many people have strained relationships with loved ones. You'd still like to get them a card so how about a card saying, "I know we have drifted apart over the years and for what, I'm not even sure, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you - Happy Holiday's." How about, "Our family is less than perfect, but who is, so thanks for doing the best that you could....Happy Mother's Day." A Zen approach would be this, "Everything happens for a reason and I've grown tremendously through all of the dysfunction our family had to offer....thanks for the lessons and Happy Holiday's." What about for strained marriages, anniversary's can be equally torturous trying to find the perfect card. How about instead of "I could not imagine my life without you" in a sappy card, "We were meant to learn from one another and for that, we have grown tremendously....Happy Anniversary." Here is a sample of a card I read at the store today, "Loving wishes from Grandma and Grandpa, There's nothing on earth more precious than children and grandchildren who fill life with love all the year through...with each Christmas, you grow more wonderful and with each year that passes, you're loved more than ever." Well, the grandparents I have come across often feel their grandchildren are too loud, misbehave and struggle even staying in the same house for a weekend without making a negative comment. One client told me her parents hightail it out of town to the Bahamas from Halloween until April and never spend the holidays with her children. Leaving town sure sends a clear message from those grandparents. I think I'd keel over if I ever received that card or I'd laugh. Even the most doting of grandparents might even find the sentiment of that card a bit over the top. Now some of the joke one's are painful too. They often poke fun at genders and roles. Of course the dad ones always have fart jokes and poking fun at men needing the television remote, naps or both. The mom cards poke fun at women running everything in the house and still pokes fun at the expense of men being lazy, stupid or both. To be fair, sometimes a funny card can be good and not be crass or degrading. Almost all of the cards seem to reflect our societies difficulty at being honest and expressing how they really feel. Hey you may still want to write a poem to a loved one, then write one yourself. Unfortunately, that is the only option because all of us are stuck with the endless amounts of sappy or sarcastic cards that the stores can offer. I wish there was a line of dysFUNctional greeting cards that were humorous, yet real. So this Holiday season, I will keep it simple and I will always include a real sentence or two of my own, tacked onto the plainest card I can find. Have fun shopping for your cards this holiday season!

Too Much of a Good Thing

Sometimes in life when you have too much time on your hands it can feel like too much of a good thing. I was speaking with a client today about the issue of time and since she has been unemployed, she realized that she has not been enjoying all of the time she has. Instead she feels bored, lonely, and lacks a sense of purpose. Often when people retire, they struggle with a loss in their roles and identity and hit a crisis point in their lives and run the risk of losing hope and feeling depressed. Once in awhile even too much time on vacation can feel tiresome toward the end. I know that some parents at the end of summer start counting the days until their kids start school. The lack of consistency and a schedule can throw everyone into funk after awhile. Even by the last day of our Disney trip my four year old was asking repeatedly to go home. I love having fun, but even I was looking forward to getting back to reality. Schedules and routine's are best when there is some wiggle room for flexibility, but overall, routine can be a healthy thing. I know when my kids were babies, I purposely did not put them on a strict schedule. I wanted them to learn to sleep anywhere, to get use to changes in their routines and to adapt. The schedule was a loose one with lots of flexibility. On the contrary, I have counseled and talked with many parents whom put their children on very rigid schedules for eating and naps, only to discover that their children struggled with changes like vacations, day trips and anything that threw them off schedule. I came across one mom who told me that vacations were difficult because her child cried, threw tantrums and would sleep on and off keeping everyone up all night. The child was so use to a strict routine and complete quiet during naps that hotels, theme parks and traveling became a nightmare. I am sure we all know a few adults who throw tantrums when they are off their schedules too! The lesson....teach oneself and your children if you have any, to adapt when needed. Yes, know yourself enough to know how much routine you need, but if change and flexibility is difficult, challenge yourself by adjusting the routine every once in awhile. The client I spoke to today realized that she needs to put some routine and purpose into her endless days to avoid the pitfalls of boredom. We all need a sense of purpose because it gives us a reason to get out of bed in the morning. "To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent"...(Buddha). Avoiding boredom and finding a purpose does not always have to include a job. It can also include volunteering, hobbies, artistic endeavors, physical fitness goals and more. A sense of purpose also comes from learning anything new. I taught myself how to sign language the alphabet during one stretch of excess time I had. That was way before kids! I do not have a problem with excess time any longer. Who knows when that alphabet might come in handy though. A problem I see often in my Clutter Clearing class are people who fill boredom with mindless shopping. I went to one woman's house on a consultation and shopping bags filled with new, unused items filled her closets, garage and basement. People often fill boredom and lack of purpose with a variety of unhealthy behaviors. Here are some quotes about boredom: I know when I'm working I seldom get into trouble. My educated guess is that boredom has caused most of the problems with Hollywood celebrities"...(Hedy Lamarr); "He who seeks rest finds boredom, he who seeks work finds rest"...(Dylan Thomas); "The life of the creative man is lead, directed and controlled by boredom. Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes"...(Susan Sontag); "The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom"...(Arthur Schopenhauer). The lesson with time, it is a gift to be used wisely. If unhealthy behaviors, depression or apathy take over, reevaluate what is not working in your life and set out to change it.

I Know Who I Am

"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy"...(Wayne Dyer). Looking back over my life, I can see clearly the patterns of who I am and who I have always been. I struggled accepting myself for many years, but now embrace who I am completely. In 3rd grade I ran for class office and my slogan was, "Denise for peace." That was very fitting and still suits me today. During my elementary school years I tutored younger kids in math, which demonstrated that my helping other people skills were present, even at a young age. The math however, quite ironic, since I am always behind on my billing. I was always a loyal friend as early as Kindergarten. I enjoy my friendships and love staying in touch and in contact with friends. That has never changed. In high school I was in a team of Mat Warmers, kinda like cheerleaders for the wrestlers and I was voted most dedicated. That still fits me today since I am a very dedicated person to anything and anyone important to me. As a Mat Warmer I helped out in a pinch, never missed a match and took my role quite seriously. By the way, how the heck did they get away however with calling us Mat Warmers? A little derogatory wouldn't you say. Why didn't they just call us "cater to the males on the wrestling team, serve them, cheer for them and bring them snack girls." I guess it was early training in taking care of men. I was also pretty shy yet outgoing through all of my school years. I know that sounds like an anomaly, but I am shy, yet I learned to push myself to be more social and outgoing. In high school I took everything in and revealed very little. Someone said something interesting to me recently, that nobody knew me in high school. Upon reflection that makes sense. Also some foretelling of my future as a therapist. Become good at observing everyone else and appear to be a blank slate. Now however the shy part has faded and the extroverted part is getting stronger. Obviously the reveal very little has shifted as well, since writing often requires that art imitates life. I have always loved taking photos. Digital technology certainly has made that hobby so much easier. Interesting to note that I also loved creative writing as early as I could write. I was also very clever as a child to avoid getting into trouble. I knew how to show the adults what they wanted to see, while my baby sister always got into trouble. I would get back at my sister alright but I was just sly about it. A very useful skill as a child, (Ah sibling rivalry - a payback I am living through with my own children). These days however I have learned that letting go and forgiveness works much better. I was a scout as a girl which was a safe haven and a way to feel a part of something when my home life was anything but stellar. Now as an adult, I get to give back by helping with my daughters troop. I was also in a club for nature lovers in 6th grade. Again, some foreshadowing going on there. I guess it all comes full circle. Looking back I can also see where I felt very misunderstood, struggled with other peoples judgements and grappled with wanting acceptance. Those were further lessons in self acceptance. It is an important lesson for all, that often you cannot change people's judgements or perceptions because their judgements are mirrors of their own issues. As the saying goes, you cannot please anyone except yourself. Our past mirrors our lessons and helps us to learn who we are, one reflection at a time. Embrace your gifts, strengths and your temperament as well as the challenges and things to still learn, for it makes us who we are. Self worth is merely a step in self acceptance, so know who you are and affirm your own value. "We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us"...(Virginia Satir).