Believe In Yourself

Okay ladies, this blog article is for you. There is an 80's song by Pebbles called "Mercedes." It was very popular at the time and is a sexual song about taking the guy for a ride in her Mercedes. I like the analogy though for the girl being the Mercedes. If more women treated themselves like a Mercedes, more men would treat them that way too. Women need to stop running around catering to men who behave badly. Women see what they want to see in men, not what is really presented in front of them. If they stopped giving so much for one moment to pay close attention, they'd see very quickly that more often than not, some of those guys just don't appreciate them. Through the years I have seen countless examples of very angry women who finally hit their boiling point after many years of bending over backwards for the men they love. You see, as women, we give to others what we want in return. We tend to be nurturers, so we play nice, do sweet things for others and will drop everything to help someone in need. Some men do not play by those rules. When I talk with the men, they are often shocked as to why their wives are so upset. Some of the men have gladly allowed their wives to cater to them, getting defensive when the women can't take it anymore. This can happen early on in a relationship, establishing a pattern that carries on for years. Some of the men are genuinely upset when they realize that their marriages may be over at that point, but some couples just cannot recover. This is a wake up call for all of you nice, over nurturing women. Give the extra nurturing you have to your girlfriends because they will give some back to you. As for men, they don't really need you to bend over backwards for them but they'll gladly let you do all of the work at home or in the relationship if you think that you are suppose to. As a society, we girls are raised to take care of others and make sure everyone is happy. More often than not, we witnessed mothers catering to husbands and brothers. I have watched women from every walk of life do ridiculous things for their partners. The over doing it includes: buying piles of presents for them on every holiday, running around town to find their mates favorite foods, cooking 4 course meals and wearing hot nighties every possible chance. It's great when couples do considerate things for each other.....but the key words there are "for each other." Women sell themselves short when it comes to men and begin feeling under appreciated when the guys start taking all of those sweet behaviors for granted. They will appreciate you more when you do less. Women begin to feel like their mates do not care about them when the effort in the relationship is seriously off kilter. Some of those guys really do care but only get it when the woman is handing them the pink slip. This imbalance in relationships only gets worse when children are involved because these care taking women give every ounce of themselves to everyone else and have nothing left for themselves. Why are so many men and women allowing this destructive cycle? Why are so many men soaking up all of the care taking while their partners are exhausted, crying, frazzled and desperately needing help? Is it any wonder that many women often get to a point when they no longer see their mates as sexually attractive, they view them more like their children. As for the women, why are they perpetuating this cycle by continuing to reward bad behavior? If your child throws a plate of food on the floor, do you say, "It's okay sweetie, I'll make you another one." Oh sure, those gals may be cursing their husbands under their breath but they do not halt the behavior. Let's rewind to the beginning. Usually you can see the dynamic beginning to build during the dating process. Ladies, do not cater to their every whim while you are dating. Yes, be sweet but let them learn to cater to you first. The dynamic should be one of reciprocal give and take. If you are giving and they are taking, then the balance is already off. At that point, pull back and give nothing until the balance is restored. If the guy refuses to do anything once you pull back, then you received the answer you needed, that he'll only take. That should be your cue to leave the relationship. Many men will step up and correct the imbalance once you let them know through your behavior that you will not be allowing it any more. Often those men grew up in homes where they saw their moms catering to their dads and they thought that was normal. There needs to be a new normal because I witness this destructive pattern all of the time. Women need to improve their self worth to value themselves enough to set much needed limits, to allow men to do for themselves and to never allow others to treat them badly. No relationship is worth your self respect. You should also never feel "lucky" to have a guy, you should always feel worthy and perhaps happy to have found each other. Men need to work on their self esteem too. Some need to address why they have anger problems, end up detached from their children or would treat women they say they "love" terribly. Women, get ready for this one.... you are number one! Regardless of the brainwashing you have been told, you should come first in front of everyone else. I hear so many nice women say they feel "selfish" about putting themselves on the list, let alone first. You have to take care of yourself, otherwise you have nothing left for anyone else. I'm not saying that you have to be mean, nasty or self centered about it, just make yourself a priority. You will respect yourself more for it and so will men. If your relationship shatters because you take care of yourself, then the relationship wasn't worth hanging onto. Relationships need to get back to partnerships where men and women respect one another and work together. For all you guys who are considerate, caring partners, keep up the good work. So ladies, never forget that you are a top of the line Mercedes. Take care of yourself, find yourself and show others that you value who you are. More importantly, guide some of that wonderful nurturing back onto yourself. You've been believing in others your entire life.....it's time to believe in you!

The Energy Of Love

I originally wrote this blog article on 10/21/09, a little over six months ago. This is one of my favorite articles because of course it is all about love and truly exemplifies the essence of who I am. I have gone through so much over the past six months and have grown in more ways than I ever imagined. The journey of love starts with yourself. I have had to do some serious soul searching each and every day to discover the wonder of what love is really all about. Love was a flame illuminating my path but now it is burning brightly within my heart and soul. As the saying goes, "Let love shine."

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love"…(Leo Tolstoy). Love is the energy of the heart. It is expansive, endless, can heal and be felt to the depth of one's soul. There are numerous sayings about love: Love can move mountains; The power of love; Love heals all wounds and; Love makes the world go round. I say to my kids often, "I love you as big as the world, the universe and beyond." Love is all encompassing and mirrors the beauty of our souls. Love feels like listening to the most delightful song, when every cell of your body feels alive. Love helps us feel connected to humanity, the earth, every living creature, and to all that is. Love allows us to see the wonder of life and nurtures hope. When you no longer need the fortress to hide behind, love lights the way and illuminates your path. Love is unconditional and knows no bounds. Love seems to be felt more deeply from learning and experiencing the lessons of loss and pain. Regarding loving yourself, the line in the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" says it best when the author journals to herself, "I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you." Love is the biggest inspiration for poetry, movies, art and music. Here are some inspiring quotes about love: "I believe that love cannot be bought except with love"...(John Steinbeck): "A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge"...(Thomas Carlyle): "Brief is life but love is long"...(Alfred Lord Tennyson): "He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes"...(Buddha): "We can do no great things; only small things with great love"...(Mother Teresa): "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet"...(Plato): and of course the ever famous, "All you need is love"...(John Lennon & Paul McCartney). I also like Lucy's quote from the Peanuts cartoons, "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! (Charles M. Schulz)." Love is being open and gloriously, willingly vulnerable. Love is the dream that never ends, for it imprints everything and everyone in it's path and never fades. Love is always worth any risk because loving now is the ultimate gift to yourself and others. Ultimately, you'll never regret loving but you will regret it if you don't let your love flow freely, without limits or restrictions. So, open your heart, follow your heart and let yourself love.

The Heart of Attraction

The issue of attraction has come up recently because a divorced client asked me how she goes about dating again and what she should look for this time around. In answering that question, I have to address another aspect of relationships between the sexes. Why is it that there seems to be some truth to the statement "nice guys/girls finish last." There are books out there like "The Rules," "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Why Men Love Bitches." These book titles say it all. Let's dive into this issue a bit more. I have counseled many men and in fact, more men then I ever imagined married women who were not very nice to them. The same goes for the women. I have counseled numerous smart, confident women who married men who may have been a fun challenge while they were dating but turned out to be guys who became abusive, aloof and self centered. Are men and women really marrying people they could "win" over versus being in love? Yes, it happens all the time. In addition, since so many people fear vulnerability, they attract partners who will keep them at a distance. The "chase" becomes the substitution for intimacy. How can men and women create some mystery in dating without outright pursuing people absolutely wrong for them. Hey, if someone enjoys being treated poorly and it works for them, then that's their choice. Sometimes however, people become confused and manipulated by the dating game. I've heard guys tell me that they loved the chase and that they married the girl who made them work for it. I've been told how those women stood them up on dates, played indifferent, kept them on the edge and were just plain selfish. The men however did not think things through and 10-20 years later, they end up miserable with these women because the leopard never changed its spots and what seemed attractive in the beginning turns into couples at war with one another. The same goes for the women who liked the guys who didn't seem that into them. Those women worked hard to win the guys over and they may have married them but equally end up resentful, taken for granted and upset that they were sold a bill of goods. Guess it shows that nice men and women sell themselves short and go for the challenge without first assessing whether there is true compatibility or whether the other person has "heart." What seems appealing about a guy cancelling a date to hang out with the guys? The chase makes that appealing but years later it's not so appealing when that same guy won't help out around the house and is nowhere in sight when you need him the most. The same can be said for the woman who seems confident and self assured while dating and ends up controlling, making her husband run in circles doing everything while she complains endlessly. Happily ever after certainly does not end up to be what happens. Chemistry is important too but so often people mistake the chase as chemistry when it is just the challenge of chasing something that seems alusive. With age comes more knowledge of life and of yourself and being able to assess the "not so nice" a lot easier. So, how do nice men and women find one another? Go for chemistry, heart and yes, a little chase is fine. Just don't be fooled by the nasty or selfish people in disguise because I have watched many people go down that route and it doesn't end well. Never lose yourself in a relationship. The biggest mistake I've watched men and women do again and again is to hand all of their power over to their partner. That doesn't end well either for both people. Both partners in that scenario end up resentful and angry at one another, especially if one refuses to participate in the unhealthy dynamic any further. Unless both people can recover from the imbalance and grow together, it usually ends up in estrangement or divorce. Never take a partnership for granted! Once you slip into cruise control in a relationship, don't be surprised when you end up with a broken down relationship or a ten car pile-up. Keep the integrity of who you are and allow each other the space to grow. Never be mean and nasty to one another, let alone disrepectful. If you discover terrible behavior early on from your partner, don't laugh it off. Try to discuss the problems in a relationship but if the disrespectful behavior continues.....run! Keep the romance and lust alive but remember that intimacy can really only happen between equals. If there is a power struggle in the relationship or lack of respect, then intimacy suffers. Don't forgo date night because you are too tired. Surprise one another and treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. Again, if you are doing all of the work and your partner is the one on cruise control, don't feel too guilty about calling it quits if they refuse to participate in the partnership. Freedom is key too. Each person should feel fully free to be in the partnership, even if they stay together the rest of their lives. Once you feel trapped, nagged, controlled and as if you are "doing time" you are in trouble. The bright side is that I am watching people come out of terrible marriages finally discovering who they are and what they want. They are attracting better suited people for their temperment and discovering how they can learn from their mistakes. There really is no such thing as a mistake, only more lessons and an opportunity to grow the most from learning the hard way. Back to how to date after a divorce. Learn from the past and remember that you don't need a partner to make you happy. Make yourself happy and attract someone you can have fun with and take it one day at a time. Follow your heart first and foremost and have a bit of an edge, just to keep them guessing but be genuine and comfortable with who you are. The "Ice Queens" and "Jerks" may have won the battle but they have not won the war, so never compromise the "nice" in you, just learn how to play the game a bit.

Be Inspiring

When I was in Lake Placid last week with my kids, they kept insisting on going to this one bagel place. It was not because they liked the food, they wanted to see a teen girl who worked there. They had met her once on our last trip to Lake Placid in February. They chatted with her for 10 minutes but were impressed with her friendliness and in how she was genuinely interested in them. She smiled and asked them questions about the DS games they were playing. How impressive that ten minutes or less of a friendly demeanor made a lasting impression. That says so much. We all come across so many people on our day to day chores and activities, but those people who take a moment to smile and be friendly remain memorable. In general, people in our lives including family can make a difference as well. I personally had several family members that were not my blood relatives, but married into the family. They always took the time to show genuine interest in me and for that, they remain forever in my heart. We all are so impacted positively and negatively by people's moods, attitudes and behaviors. Every day we also have the choice to find something to smile about. Yes, each and every day! I was sick this week with bad sinus headaches. Even in severe pain, I smiled at the beauty of the blossoming trees around me. We can appreciate the simple things all around us...a friendly cashier, the beauty of nature or a child laughing. My children are so excited about being around the people that inspire them. The friendly ones are the people they are drawn to, while the grumpy ones also make an impact, but not so positively. "Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats"...(Voltaire). "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference"...(Winston Churchill). Each day we all have a choice whether to ruminate over what is not going well or to focus on the positive. Our positive attitude affects others positively and on and on it goes. In addition, our world and lives are filled with beauty if you pay attention. An interesting story was posted on facebook about a famous musician (Joshua Bell) playing incognito at a train station in Washington, DC and how 1,097 people pass by but few stop to listen to one of the best musicians in the world. To see the complete story, just google "famous musician plays in subway." The moral to the story...people are too busy or preoccupied to enjoy the beauty that is right in front of them. The inspiring part of the story is the reminder to slow down and take in the sights, sounds and scenery all around you. Children stop and smell the roses, so to speak. They notice the birds, rainbows and mud puddles and they never forget to just jump on the beds once in awhile. Children can teach us so much about appreciating and finding beauty all around us. I am heading out with the kids to hike again this weekend and since the bagel place was closed on our last trip, I promised the kids we'd stop there to get some food and say hi to the memorable cashier who made a difference. I will also let her know to keep on smiling because my kids insisted on that bagel place, thanks to her. "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day"...(Author Unknown)

Love Can

I was enjoying my usual veggie wrap today at my favorite lunch place. A song started playing overhead called, "Two is Better Than One." It is a touching song about love and it made me smile. In the meanwhile, some quotes have really resonated with me this week about love. “Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully. When you dare to be vulnerable”...(Dr. Joyce Brothers). Love can teach us the most about ourselves. Love is a journey and requires the utmost ability to let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Love can't be manipulated. That's not love, that's control and dependency. To learn about love, one generally has to go through learning about your defenses. With insight and wisdom comes the ability to see the other more clearly, not clouded with projections and misperceptions. Even with loving others, they may not be able to reciprocate that love for a variety of reasons. You can love them anyway. I counsel so many people who are in love with others but become frustrated when the other person is not able to show that love in return. "Love is patient, love is kind" as the passage from the bible so eloquently states. Sometimes in honoring yourself and in loving others, you may have to let someone go. As another famous quote states, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"...(Richard Bach). In researching the quote by Richard Bach, I found another inspiring quote by him: “A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.” I've been contemplating love lately on my hikes. I remember my first crush. I was in the eighth grade and I was completely heartbroken (with tears streaming down my face) when I watched him dance with another girl at the 8th grade dance. Forget about the fact that he did not even know that I was alive. I had secretly hoped that he would ask me to dance anyway. It hurt nonetheless and I got my first dose of pain associated with caring for someone. I did get my wish however, five years later. He finally noticed that I was indeed alive and asked me to dance. If my memory serves me correctly, I may have even gotten kissed. Patience, patience, patience! During my high school years, I was again very dedicated in my crushes. Those crushes were safe because they required no vulnerability on my part. As I have learned through the years, vulnerability is the price of love, but worth the admission. The true key is two people willing to be vulnerable and take the risk at the same time. Otherwise, loving is still worth it but the timing may be off. Everyone has their lessons to learn and often love tastes all the sweeter after some sour (heartbreak and loss) has occurred. Regarding love, I think Richard Bach said it best with this quote, “True love stories never have endings." Be willing to be vulnerable.....take risks in love and open your heart because love can transform a wounded heart into one that can illuminate limitless possibilities.

Reflections on Loss

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation"...(Kahlil Gibran). I have counseled many individuals who have gone through losses of people they have loved. Lately though, I have come across quite a few individuals who lost the loves of their life. I have talked about losses in divorces and split ups, but in those losses, individuals still had the choice to separate. In divorces, people split apart to learn, grow and develop in different directions and there is the optimism in finding love again. We all have seen the movies where true love reigns and people who are truly meant to be together, grow old with one another. What happens though in life when people find their "heart mate," that one person who really seems to be their other half and one partner dies unexpectedly? Love always finds a way but with that type of loss, one person is left feeling as if half of their heart is missing. That kind of love is envied by all and what many are really searching for. In life though, there are never guarantees about how much time heart mates will have together. That is why the gift of sharing that type of love is to be cherished and valued. Even one year or one month of that type of love can be worth a life time, if that is all the time the couple has with one another. Better to have spent that time together than to have missed out on that type of gift. The sadness and challenge though is for the surviving partner to find the will to live after that type of loss. No one can replace the lost love. One man told me after he lost his "true love," that people at the funeral told him, "You're still young-you'll find someone else." People mean well but that type of loss is so incredibly profound that "someone else" offers no comfort for the bereaved. Another woman told me that she still feels her husband's energy with her, everywhere she goes. She felt that she had found that one person who really understood her and loved her anyway. She says that life is a struggle without him because she and her mate had laughed at the same things and balanced each other perfectly. All of the surviving heart mates have told me that even with incredible love for one another, fighting was occasional and necessary but that their fighting was not purposefully mean or disrespectful. All relationships still require effort, even with a heart mate. Heart mates seem to make it all seem easier however because they are able to connect on a deeper level. The journey of loss is a difficult one, especially when people have found that kind of heart connection. The lesson is having the courage to embrace that type of union. Sometimes people have found their heart mates but are still too guarded to handle the union. Love is still experienced, even if people are not able to be together. There are many lessons either way. The courage in loving is in risking and as the famous saying goes, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." That quote is from a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson: "I hold it true, what e'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I know that there are no amount of words that can offer someone comfort who has faced that type of loss. Their journey is in finding a way to heal their heart by carrying reflections of their loved one with them in who they are, for in experiencing that type of love, you are changed forever. Their love is reflected in your memories and in the very essence of who you became from being loved and loving them. Love is always with you, even when one person leaves this life. Not even death can take it away. For whatever reasons, some younger people have crossed over recently, leaving their heart mates in deep sorrow. The journey for those individuals will be challenging, as they attempt to carry the "other" with them as they move forward and live their lives. I have watched as they have struggled even getting out of bed some days. There will be occasional dark days, filled with gut wrenching tears, anger and questioning but the process of experiencing those feelings honors the love they shared with their mate. Love finds a way in life and in loss. You just have to believe in your heart that there is higher purpose to everything that happens. Love can help you learn and it can help you heal. "I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived"...(Margaret Mitchell). "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost"...(G. K. Chesterton). “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love”...(Washington Irving).

Taken for Granted

Day three on vacation and we completed our third hike on Baker Mountain. The kids did great and coaxing with Ruffles was not necessary. My four year old Austin, gave me a look however that said it all, "Ya gotta be kidding me with another hike!" This time, speed was not important, they took their time and enjoyed the trail. Nature really is a natural amusement park. They slid down rocks every chance they got, jumped over puddles, jumped in puddles and used a fallen tree to ride like a see saw. It was interesting watching them purposely take the harder path on the trail because it was more challenging and more fun. Austin would just spontaneously park himself on the trail to rest and play. He did not complain, he would just break out into play, using sticks and rocks to battle each other. That's a boy for you. He even made me carry two of his battle sticks to the top of the mountain. He could have a future in forestry because he also likes picking up rocks on the trail and throwing them to the side. He could be in charge of clearing trails. Hiking the same mountain each day gave us the opportunity to see something new on the trail every day. I know that I have hiked this trail countless times, but with each season and each hike, the trail offers some new experience along with comfortable familiarity. This particular trail is a like a best friend to me, always waiting patiently for my return. Baker was one of my first hikes in the Adirondack mountains. Once I became an avid hiker, I left Baker to experience harder and longer hikes. I regarded Baker as "that easy hike." It was always great as a quick hike or a warm up but I pretty much neglected returning to it for years. Like in life, sometimes we neglect the people, things and places that are actually near and dear to us. Once I started having babies, my hiking waned for awhile and suddenly I found myself starting back at Baker again, this time carrying a baby on my back in a carrier. Baker was the trail welcoming me and helping me find my way back to something I love.....hiking. I thought that I was going to die the first couple of times hiking Baker again, with kids on my back. Suddenly, I had gained a new respect for Baker and she felt like one of the harder high peaks to me. My perspective had shifted. Now that all of my kids can walk and thus hike on their own, Baker is welcoming them with open arms too. I regard Baker as the queen of all hikes because young and old can enjoy her beauty. Families with dogs are often seen on the trail along with kids of all ages. There are many harder, gorgeous trails in the Adirondack's, but some are just too difficult for many to experience. I appreciate Baker fully now and thank her for her continued patience, beauty and grace. I've learned and reflected a lot about myself on that trail. I hiked Baker while I was a grad student trying to find my way in life. I journeyed up Baker after having babies and now watch my own children learning about themselves as they hike her trail. I will always take time now to honor Baker, because she has helped me grow as a person. I will never take her for granted again and will be as loyal of a friend to her as she has been to me. “There may be more to learn from climbing the same mountain a hundred times than by climbing a hundred different mountains"...(Richard Nelson).

April Break

My kids are out of school this week on April break. I love road trips, so of course I packed the kids into the mini-van and we headed out of town. People are often surprised at how well my kids do on long car trips. "It's easy," I say, "Just condition them young." My kids have been putting up with long car rides since they were born. Like anything in life, at first it may be tough going but when you keep it up, it eventually becomes second nature. Sure, some of those earlier road trips were difficult. I endured whining, crying, fighting and occasional tantrums. They were not the only ones throwing tantrums. Sometimes I had to put on my stern, "I mean business" mommy face to get their attention. Now that they are a bit older and with the aid of the DVD player, I hardly hear a peep out of them. Usually the only gripes I hear are, "I'm hungry!" Oh I can't lie, of course I hear the occasional, "Are we there yet?" Our longest road trip so far was two trips to Charleston, South Carolina. They were in the mini-van for two full days, 18 hours of driving time there and back. This summer we are driving from Connecticut to California, so I am sure I will have lots of interesting stories to report from that trip. This week we are in the Adirondack mountains in upstate New York. I love being in a hotel with the kids. It's small, contained and very little to clean up. A chamber maid makes the bed and cleans the room while we are out having fun. I wish everyday life could be this simple. They do wake up a bit early but thanks to the upgraded room to a suite, I can shut the door and they watch cartoons while I get a little more sleep. Yesterday we hiked one of our favorite small mountains. Last summer, my youngest was three and hiking was a bit of a challenge for him. Now at four, hiking is a different experience. When he was three, I had to coax him up the trail with Ruffles and cookies. Occasionally, I would also have to carry him, when the whining became unbearable. Back to my philosophy, keep trying until it becomes second nature. My youngest was a shining example of that yesterday. He led the hike, much to my surprise. We had to push ourselves to keep up with him! He did not take a break until we all reached the top and he needed no coaxing. Now, hiking is second nature to him. He climbed over rocks like a pro and kept a pretty fast pace. All three kids went faster than usual and required no help from me. It was nice observing them helping each other on the trail and cheering for each other when they reached the top. When my youngest tripped over a branch, my daughter said, "It's okay...you gotta fall once in awhile while you're hiking." It was an absolutely enjoyable three hours. There was no fighting, whining or complaining. They sang songs, told stories and focused on their footing. Hiking brought out the best in them. Today we hiked the same mountain again and we were all dragging just a bit, but overall they were amazing. I am also impressed with their ability to have fun with very little stuff. This morning, they ran around the hotel pretending to be freedom fighters in battle, using hangars as bow and arrows. At the pool, my four year old used two plastic room keys as pretend boats. Why do we spend so much money on toys when children can use their imaginations magnificently. We also stopped at the dollar store, which is my favorite store up here. For less than $36 bucks, we got tons of snacks, water and sheriff badges. If I get pulled over, my kids can flash their badges. After another day of hiking, bowling, swimming and hot baths, they are so wiped out that you can hear a pin drop in our suite right now. I am enjoying the peace and quite. Tomorrow will be day three of hiking, so wish me luck because I just may be pushing my luck with another hike. Hiking may be second nature to them but they do have their limits. I'm optimistic but just in case, I'll pack some Ruffles in the backpack. “The mountains are calling and I must go"...(John Muir). “Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So… get on your way"...(Dr. Seuss).

Rock Steady

Recently, I was listening to one of my 80's Cd's and I had to laugh when I started getting flashbacks of my cocktail waitress days, when I was in my early 20's. It was actually a great way to earn money to put myself through college. Of course, some student loans were still necessary. My cocktail waitress days were spent listening to tunes like "Rock Steady" repeatedly, very late nights, smelling like a long island ice tea from it spilling on me and early training in how to work with people. Back then, the dance scene was huge and everyone went out to clubs in Southern California. Oh, did I also forget to mention the shortest mini skirt ever! How do you think I earned those tips? It sure wasn't purely from my smile and friendly demeanor. The true highlight of those several years was when I got to be "Shot Girl" occasionally. I literally had two shot bottles, one on each hip in a holster. The shots I sold were "Sex on the Beach" and were $1.50 each and boy on those nights, I could make up to $200 in tips. Not bad for a struggling college girl at the time. I am sorry that I may have contributed to getting people drunk during those days, but I was young and needed the money. Believe it or not, it was great pre-therapist training and good mommy training. First, I ended up observing and chatting with lots of men, especially married ones while I was taking drink orders. I learned about unhappy marriages, men clearly cheating on their spouses and watched many interactions (pick-ups) between men and women. Second, I learned the art of listening because once people start to drink, they will tell you their life story. More importantly, I learned how to deal with chaotic situations and conflict resolution, which helps me with bickering couples. Now I get to sit in a comfy leather chair however and thankfully, no more long island ice teas are being spilled on me. I would definitely worry if a client walked into session with a long island ice tea and would probably have to put them into rehab for that. I like helping people feel better with talking rather than selling numerous drinks to have the same result. At least now, the results last longer and don't come with a hangover. Okay, how does cocktail waitressing help with being a mommy, you may ask? Well, cocktail waitressing was one of the most demanding and thankless jobs I've ever had, sort of like being a mommy. The customers in the clubs wanted their drinks and they wanted them now. For a buck tip, I heard pick-up lines, dealt with groping men and jealous women. Some of the customers were quite rude or cheap as well, with no tip in sight. Now instead of a tray with margaritas, beer and vodka tonics, I am carrying a tray filled with juice boxes. My kids will scream their demands across the house as if I am there to wait on them, much like the unruly customers at the club. My kids will hang on me, pull on me and fight all around me. Maybe I should crank up "Rock Steady," dim the lights and pretend I am back at the club. It might make it a little more fun. During those club days, I also learned the art of reverse psychology, which is a very important skill as a parent. Those cocktail waitress days did help me handle lots of stress because the drink orders were endless, I was on my feet for many hours and had to try to keep people happy. I learned that I could juggle much more than I imagined, which certainly helps me now as a mommy. Of course, my role as a parent is beyond satisfying and when my kids say "I love you mommy," it makes it all worth it. Oh I might have heard "I love you" shouted at me while waitressing, but those guys were three sheets to the wind and could barely stand at that point. As a tribute to my club days as a mini skirt, shot holster wearing waitress, I'm playing "Rock Steady" in honor of some of the best life training I've ever had. Oh dear, I think I hear my kids ordering something now.....guess I'm back on duty.

The Energy of Spring

I always know it's spring, because my sinuses go a bit crazy adjusting to all of the pollen in the air. I just adore spring however, as it is such an incredible season, especially in New England. As I drive around, I am amazed by the array of colors springing forth from the flowers and trees. It really does take my breath away. Each day lately, the flowers and trees are blossoming with various colors including red, yellow, purple, gold, pink and various shades of green. Nature is absolutely spectacular. Nature has her moods and each day, I pay special attention to how the sky, sun and clouds complement the plants, flowers and trees. We really are surrounded by natures art. With that said, we are affected by nature profoundly and she is in turn affected by us. Nature teaches us the natural beauty of feeling. Nature expresses herself without apology. She is glorious in her love, wrath, cleansing and renewal. She cleanses everything when she cries. Sometimes the tears are a mist and other times, the rain is so fierce, it is like a gut wrenching cry that comes from the depths of the soul. Crying can be healing for us and really is a great release. Just like nature, if we hold it in, the cry (or rain) tends to be much deeper and overwhelming. Nature gets angry. We can feel her wrath when the winds are gusting hard, knocking things down and demanding to be acknowledged. Winds move things and are a release as well, causing change and new beginnings, especially if the winds turn into hurricanes. The sun warms and nourishes us and really does lift our spirits. When it is sunny, we smile more as it seems nature is smiling down on us. A cloudy day looks magical to me, even if the mood tends to be more contemplative and serene. Lightning and thunder can be scary for some, but I think it's pretty cool. It is literally a clash in the clouds and nature speaks loudly about it. It is about release and is a direct conflict of opposites. We certainly cannot ignore nature when she speaks through the intensity of lightning bolts and house shaking thunder. It's like a much needed fight, when you have it out, speak your peace and feel much better afterward. Nature is speaking through her blossoms lately. The trees and flowers are showing sides that have been dormant and hidden. Much like us, when we shift and grow, blossoming our new strengths and gifts after introspection and challenges. Nature in New England just endured a cold winter and is now stretching it's arms in delight of celebrating its inner beauty. More than anything, no matter what season, nature shows her love each and every day, if you just pay attention. When we bask in natures perfection, we are more in touch with the essence of our own souls. Mother Earth, the sun, stars, moon and sky are always communicating to us. The magnificent beauty of our planet is breathtaking. Love is ever present all around us, so appreciate and send love back to nature, because she is so very patient and loving with us, no matter how we behave toward her. Nature really is the "great mother" giving tirelessly and providing us with food, water, land and spectacular beauty. "I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in"...(John Muir). "I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority"...(Elwyn Brooks White).

Untying The Knot

Of course we have all heard of the expression "tying the knot." That is such an appropriate saying when couples get married. You notice that the statement refers to a knot versus a bow. Knots are just that, very tightly bound and difficult to unravel. Marriage is a serious commitment and should be like joining two people (two pieces of rope) together to form one united union. But sometimes, those ropes do not form a nice neat knot in which two people maintain individuality in a sacred union. Sometimes the knot becomes a huge tangled mess and the integrity of the union is lost. When two people marry, they blend their lives on every level. Money often becomes mingled, you share everything from dresser drawers to closets and negotiate the holiday's between families. You blend traditions, share the household chores (hopefully) and get to know each others every detail about every day life. When a couple has children, even more is shared when you co-parent. When couples decide to divorce, we should call it untying the knot because you have to begin the process of unraveling the countless ways in which your lives have become intertwined. It is a challenging process for people in the midst of a separation or divorce. When you tell people that you are divorcing, they say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that" or "I'll pray for you." It's sort of like a death in the family. People send blessings and have this look on their faces as if someone just passed away. I suppose the process of a divorce is much like a death. It is a huge loss, even if the divorce is what the individual or couple wants. That is an oxymoron though. Nobody ever enters a marriage wanting or thinking that they will ever get divorced. It is a deeply emotional process because you are mourning the loss of the relationship, letting go and unraveling all of the ways in which your lives have become enmeshed. I remember when I was dating my now husband. It was such a big deal and major step, when he finally gave in and gave me a drawer and some room in his closet at his apartment, to keep some of my stuff. Now, many years later, so many aspects of our lives overlap that I don't even know where to begin when it comes to the unravelling process. In counseling so many couples who have gone through divorces, I have witnessed the difficulties and challenges of separating all that becomes knotted up in a marriage. The journey becomes one of stepping carefully to create new boundaries and to deal honestly with feelings of loss. Anger often accelerates during a divorce because all that had remained unsaid or stuffed gets thrown on the table. It is also a challenge because ego's get involved and people step into a tug of war of epic proportions. Anger and control battles really help no one though and only causes further damage. Much better to deal with feelings of sadness and let go with integrity, rather than leaving in a rage. Reflection about the relationship is important but often people feel guilty, blaming themselves for the failure of the union. Blame is useless punishment, whether you blame yourself or your partner. No matter what, the journey with your spouse was a necessary lesson. The most difficult challenges are the best opportunities for empowerment and growth. The reasons you chose your partner speaks volumes as well, whether it was based in family of origin issues (which is often the case), family and social pressures or fear of being alone. When it comes to having children, the line in the movie "Definitely, Maybe" says it best when the father who is divorcing says to his daughter, "There is a happy ending to the story.....you!" A marriage should always be considered a success when children are brought into this world through that union, even if the marriage ends in divorce. Those children are the gift and truly meant to be here. The journey of marriage and divorce is full of life changing lessons and an enormous opportunity for growth. “Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work"....(Lori Gordon). “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to"....(Helen Rowland).