A Daughter's Journey

Our journey is ours alone and we must walk our own path. Lessons abound however on our paths and we weave in and out of each others lives to help each other along with what we need to learn. It's so much easier to forgive when we realize that how people treat us, both positively and negatively are lessons. When we take things personally, our ego's are still involved and we lose sight that nothing is ever personal. Most of us have all been conditioned though to react defensively with our ego's in the forefront. With that said, it's no wonder that communication is convoluted with battling ego's instead of compassion and empathy. We are all really trying to just be accepted for who we are but we have to accept ourselves first. This lesson is one I had to learn with my father. With Father's Day right around the corner, it reminds me of the awkwardness I have with my own dad. I've had to embrace the fact that my father will never be who I hoped he would be. The first lesson however was for the little girl in me to stop looking for validation from him. Each time I reached out for him, my hand was slapped, figuratively. He has always been pretty rejecting on every level. I will never fully understand how he has pushed away his two daughters and then blames us for the distance. I love him anyway. I see now how very guarded and wounded he is. I don't condone his behavior, nor will I ever allow his behavior to define me any longer. Again, I still love him. It is not an easy journey to love someone who has not been there for you. I had to do a lot of work on myself to get there. It seemed easier to be angry with him, as I was for so many years, yet it actually kept me stuck and disempowered. As long as I was angry, he still had power over me. I am at peace now. I am not judging anger either. Anger is often a necessary lesson to find your way to forgiveness. I am currently counseling many individuals at various phases of anger with loved ones. Anger is a much misunderstood emotion. It is raw emotion at it's core, full of hurt and even love. I was angry at my father because I never truly felt loved by him. Often we need to get to a place of giving people what we want from them without expecting anything in return. If they are never able to give back what you've given, then you gave them a gift. Yes, boundaries are needed. Some people are just too abusive and toxic to be involved with, so sending love, compassion or forgiveness may be the limit of what you can give them. Here is the ending of poem I wrote back in college about my father, which exeplifies the anger and hurt I was carrying back then: "He is slowly isolating himself on an island of his own, in his desolate little world, he will surely die alone." It is a difficult journey for women, when their fathers are neglectful, absent or distant. Our journey with the opposite sex begins with our parents. For girls, whatever behavior the father displays toward them, sets up a pattern that takes years to undo. I hate to say it but there is some truth to the saying that women marry their fathers. No matter how much you try to avoid it, you repeat old dynamics trying to get what you were missing. Men are not off the hook on that issue either. They too marry some aspect of their mothers. If a girl felt rejected by her father....she unknowingly finds a mate that makes her feel rejected. That's how it works. None of us are immune to that lesson. The great thing is that if life is our university, then with insight and growth, we can transcend old patterns and graduate to the next level. So, my Father's Day tribute is less of a Hallmark card and more of an honest portrayal of my journey with my father. I do have to say Happy Father's Day to my step father Jim and to all of the step dads out there who literally step in and make a positive impact on their step children. To my own dad, I'll be sending a Father's Day blessing as a prayer and my kids can make cards to send him, since he is their grandfather. To all the dad's out there.....have a happy Father's Day! "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection"...(Sigmund Freud). "Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad"...(Anne Geddes). "Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers - and fathering is a very important stage in their development"...(David M. Gottesman).