Strong in the Broken Places

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"....(Ernest Hemingway). Recently, a client made the huge decision to finally end his 16 year marriage. He has been thinking about this for years. He described his marriage as an arrangement, "two people living as roommates for years." The reasons that brought them together have faded and as time marched on, they grew further and further apart. They lived separate lives, both had affairs and whenever they attempted to broach the subject of their failing marriage, defenses would kick in and one or the other would rush in to establish the old order. The message, "We may be miserable but don't rock the boat." Many people live like this in their lives, whether it be in relationships of all kinds or jobs they loathe. This mentality does not only apply to marriages. People fear change, above almost anything else! In addition, for some reason, people feel they deserve suffering. Some stay suffering out of pride, others out of deeply rooted fears. Either way, you are failing yourself if you refuse to address the suffering. Once you acknowledge the pain, then you can take the steps to find a solution. Again though, often people are terrified if the solution means major changes. Major changes are necessary and help us grow. Sure stability and security are nice things too but not at the price of your integrity. My client was feeling mixed emotions about the separation. Although he'd be the first to admit openly that he was not in love with his wife, he was terrified about finances, custody, and how his spouse would handle the separation. As expected, she reacted with rage because he had dared to change the rules on her. I complimented him, saying that it took great strength to finally admit the marriage was over. He looked surprised, saying "I don't feel very strong right now, I feel like an emotional mess." That's the beauty of it, when you feel at your absolute weakest, you are actually the strongest you've been in a long time. It does not take strength to live double lives, having affairs and denying reality. That's avoidance. It takes incredible strength to face your deepest fears, your perceptions and finally own how you feel once and for all and then do something about it. My client looked relieved to hear that underneath his fears, worries and doubts was incredible strength bubbling forth. We are all strong in the places in our souls that have endured pain and suffering. It is through the pain we recognize our truths and find the strength to change our lives. We learn to turn that pain into resilency, optomism and courage. Sure, it takes time for the broken places to get stronger. It just takes time, if you just trust the process, nurturing hope and dreams of a new future. The wounds remain but the newfound strengths are your reward. “Time discovers truth"....(Seneca). “We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams"...(Jeremy Irons).