Walk Away

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing"...(Neil Gaiman). We all have those poignant moments in life, those times that are life defining and change us forever. Those moments are life's biggest lessons and teach us the power of really listening to the voice within. I remember when I was in 7th grade, I had one of those moments. I was pretty shy and certainly not aggressive. One of my friends was being picked on and teased by some girls after school. I was walking by and knew I could just mind my own business, stay out of harms way and walk on by. Even though I was terrified, I had to stand up for her, so I stopped and told the girls to leave her alone. I held my ground, even though I was shaking inside. They harassed me a bit and then got bored I guess and left us alone and walked away. I suppose I was guided by the part of me that wants to stand up for the underdog. Perhaps it's also the underdog part of me that has always been grateful to those who may have stuck their necks out for me. In college I was dating a not so nice guy. He was controlling, cheated on me constantly and was abusive. I was incredibly insecure and unfortunately, just felt grateful that anyone would give me any attention. I put up with his bad behavior for quite awhile. Another defining moment in my life was when I decided to walk away from the abuse and from him. I was on the phone with him on summer break when he started giving me a hard time about something ridiculous, then the thought occurred to me (screaming loudly in my head), "you don't have to take this anymore!" I broke up with him then and there. I was only 20 years old and had already learned the lesson of abuse. It is a terrible dynamic that can happen to people of all ages. I learned a lot in those two years with him about how abuse slowly tears down your self worth, day by day. I had already started out with poor confidence and the emotional and physical abuse just tore down any shred of self esteem I may have had. When I broke up with him, I was able to start to take back my identity and head forward with the strength of knowing that I didn't have to settle for such poor treatment. Those two years educated me more than any text book ever could. I have drawn on that experience throughout my years as a therapist, being able to counsel women and men on how to leave abusive relationships. Another life changing moment was when I decided to board a plane and move from California to New York City. I was walking away from a life I had known and someone I loved, to head into the unknown. It was a bittersweet time in my life but I grew immeasurably. I learned to soar in new directions, to take a huge risk on myself and to start life anew. Now I find myself in another life changing moment as I pack moving boxes and get ready for the big move from the east coast back to California. This move is a lot larger than 20 years ago. Back then, the contents of my life fit snugly in a small storage space. Packing a large house is no small feat. Now with three kids in tow, I have to sign them up for school, get pediatrician records, sort through endless toys and pack countless boxes. In addition, I am ending a 19 year relationship. This time, the ending was not brought on by abuse but from emotional distance. I can relate to Christina Aguilera's song, "Cruz." The lyrics, "I am leaving today, I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change" say it all. Each moment that we choose to take a stance and risk everything to follow our heart, change us profoundly. What moments define your life and have taught you the value of standing your ground and then walking away when necessary? “You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"...(Kenny Rogers). "I will! I am! I can! I will actualize my dream. I will press ahead. I will settle down and see it through. I will solve the problems. I will pay the price. I will never walk away from my dream until I see my dream walk away: Alert! Alive! Achieve!"....(Robert Schuller).