Time To Be Me

"Don't forget to love yourself"...(Soren Kierkegaard). I seem to have attracted a lot of divorcing or recently divorced individuals over the past year or so. It has been amazing watching them grow and come into their own. Some were so upset over their divorces but after some time and with much analysis, many of the individuals realized that they had boxed up parts of who they were to make the relationships work. In the end, they could not please their spouses and all of the sacrificing did not make the relationship last after all. In fact, it just made for all sorts of resentments and regret. One client, we'll call her Joanne, literally and figuratively boxed up all of the things meaningful to her and put them into the attic when she got married. She sacrificed relationships with her family and friends because her spouse always had a gripe with all of them. She put her art supplies and photographs she had taken into the boxes because her spouse said there was no room in the house for all that stuff. She kept boxing up things that were important to her until 15 years later she did not recognize herself anymore. Her spouse always complained, she tried to please him and in the end the relationship shattered. Both people ended up bruised and battered from the experience. The husband married an image and was too self absorbed to accept her for who she was. She was to blame too for not being strong enough to maintain the boundaries of who she was. She misperceived that if she pleased him, he would accept her. She was mistaken. With the divorce, she took all of those boxes out of the attic, dusted them off and took back all of the parts of herself she had let go of. She became reconnected with her family and realized that they knew the situation was bad with her spouse but were hesitant to get in the middle. They took her back with open arms. She reconnected with friends, with her art and photography and with her integrity. Now in her 40's, she realized the most valuable lesson of all, to always love herself and never change who she is for a partner. Compromise is one thing but sacrificing the essence of who you are is never recommended. I have watched many men and women over the years take back who they are after divorces. I love hearing them declare their new motto's in life which are life affirming and to always be clear up front when getting to know people, who they are and what they stand for. Men and women alike lose themselves in the struggle for acceptance in partnerships, only to find they no longer valued themselves. Like graduating high school, everyone eventually has to face the important lesson in life to value oneself. Often, very few of us are truly self accepting in our 20's, but by our 40's we tend to emerge with the strength to start honoring ourselves. Sometimes divorces are a necessary part of the growth process. In the end, you have to value and love yourself first and foremost and then like a mirror, love will be attracted and reflected back to you. By accepting yourself fully and genuinely being who you are, your simple presence can make others happy. “Love yourself first and everything falls into line"...(Lucille Ball). “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary"...(Steve Jobs).