Dancing Around Intimacy

"Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex"...(Barbara Cartland). So, the entire relationship and dating arena is something I get numerous texts, calls and e-mails from clients about frequently. Obviously, dating and love is big business, when countless books are written about it. Men are trying to figure out women and women are exacerbated with men and yet everyone keeps searching for love. Ironically, today the dating guru's on both sides said the exact same thing. The theme from both camps today....stop chasing someone who says "we are just friends" or someone who keeps you around as a friend or pretend partner. The male side told men bluntly, that if a woman says she is just your friend, then she is just not feeling attraction for you. He is correct that the more a guy keeps pouring on his undying love and affection after she's already put up a wall, the more the woman feels completely turned off. The same goes for the opposite camp as well. The only big difference is that often, men can enter into what appears to be a relationship, only to say "hey-we are not in a relationship." meanwhile, that guy could have been calling the girl every day, sleeping with her, introducing her to family and friends...yet in his mind, they are not in a relationship. No wonder women get confused. Men get confused too, when a woman wants to hang around with a guy all the time and have him do nice things for her, only to be told "I value you as a friend." Now, I admit, that in high school....I did that to guys. I really wasn't playing games though. I did like the male attention but truth be told, I was just too terrified to be in a real relationship. The scary truth though is that real grown-ups, meaning the over 35 set are terrified too. I've read through hundreds of profiles and they all say the same thing, that guys are looking for a relationship. I do my homework when e-mailing and chatting with men and most of them are looking for flings...or they are looking for women who are mean and aloof. They say otherwise in their profiles but once you look at their history, they seem attracted to women who cheat, lie and make them work for it. Why in the heck would men want that? Because, they fear real intimacy and they only feel safe in relationships that keep them slightly off balance. Women do the same thing. They spout in their profiles about wanting romance, love and a steady mate but they go for the jerks...the one's that make them work for it because they are insecure and fear real closeness too. The whole thing is a darn shame. Nice men and women are left with not so nice partners because everyone is afraid to get close. Part of that is people fear vulnerability and others just don't feel that they deserve better. It's a scary thing to open your heart and to get that back in return, so instead the dance of intimacy continues where people keep a huge arms length from each other. When one person comes forward, the other backs off and vice versa. The dance frustrates the heck out of many men and women, but the dance keeps going anyway. Some people wake up and refuse to participate in the old dance but then it becomes quite a challenge to find others brave enough to dance cheek to cheek with without the old moves of distancing and bowing out. The dance of intimacy is why so many people repeat old patterns, playing games and still end up with the same result even after switching partners many times. Some people grow and wise up as to what they need to address in themselves to create a new dance, one that allows closeness and a true heart connection. On a final note, even married couples play games and create a dysfunctional dance to avoid real intimacy, so this is not just about dating couples. "Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away"...(Eric Berne).