He Says-She Says

“I don't care if you're four feet tall and have one eye. If you can make women laugh consistently and get those good feelings flowing through them, they'll love you"...(David DeAngelo). "A man who wants to give needs a woman who is willing to receive. And for most of us, love only feels like it's happening when we give"...(Rori Raye). I received my daily e-mails from the various dating guru's today. Of course they try the hard sell for people to buy their e-books and practically install the fear of god in you if you don't buy their programs. Now, people do not need to buy those programs but do often need some coaching when it comes to dating and relationships. I am a therapist and all I can say is even after counseling many hundreds of men and women and logging in countless hours listening to both sides discuss their relationship issues, I am still learning more every day. The male advice today: to never tell a woman how you feel. Hm mm....at first I couldn't believe it, the last thing men need is reinforcement to stay closed off emotionally. Then I read further and really processed the advice that he was dishing out. Essentially what he is saying is that when men say what they are feeling too soon, they kill the chemistry and come across too needy. He advises that men show how they feel, not say how they feel. The only part I disagree with is he believes that a guy stepping things up physically with a woman expresses how he feels. That depends on the guy. Some men can absolutely be physical with a woman and have no feelings for her. In fact, I have read many articles that say a woman should not assume a man has feelings for her just because he's sleeping with her. Other than that though, he is correct that somehow, for some reason, it creates better chemistry when a man does not say how he feels. Women like mystery and we like to have to wonder a little bit. That goes back to the fact that men show how they feel in the things they do for a woman. I've had countless guys reinforce that message to me, that they show the women they care about how they feel in all of the things they do for her. Once a couple is committed however and certainly once married, then some of the mystery is gone and it does seem appropriate for a man to express his feelings verbally. A man never has to go overboard though with his verbal expression and often a little goes a long way. Some problems occur however when men don't express themselves verbally and they stop doing things to show they care. Many women have complained to me that they don't seem to get any validation from their spouses that they care. Some men have related to me that they had wanted strong women so they married women who appeared more assertive and independent. Turns out that they were deceived by the assertiveness and those women turned out to be controlling and their assertiveness was just a facade hiding their fears and insecurities, perhaps more so than the obviously insecure women. Women also marry men who are wolves in sheep's clothing. Some men while dating shower women with attention and romancing but once they are married, these men become aloof and downright emotionally abusive. I guess that the saying..."if it seems too good to be true, then it just might be" could be correct after all. These dating sites give all sorts of advice for men and women to catch each other. The female site today advertises, "Let every man love you." The point of her advice...date as many men as you want, even if you have a boyfriend because a woman should not take herself off the market until she has a ring on her finger. It goes back to the fact I've repeated that men are trying to get women for the short term and women are trying for the long term. Not to say that there aren't guys sincerely looking for commitment too as well as women out looking for flings. None of the advice though asks men and women how they really feel and what they really want. Both male and female dating guru's do admit that you have to ultimately be comfortable with yourself to attract a healthy partner. I couldn't agree more. The female guru takes a supportive approach and advises women to put themselves on a pedestal and then to attract a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. The male guru practically berates men and basically says, "don't be a wuss and fake it until you make it." On a final note, I've had over 3,500 hits on my dating profile in six months which is more than I've had on this entire blog in a year and a half. Hm mm, I'm not sure what that says exactly except to quote some advice I received from one man on a dating site, "It's a numbers game, keep it simple and don't forget to have fun." Sometimes, that's easier said than done though....but when guys wink and e-mail me on Match who call themselves "tongue" or "psychoman"...you can bet I'll keep on looking.