The Voice of Truth

This morning, as my kids were getting ready for school, my daughter asked her brother if he'd play a quick game of Bingo math with her. The next thing I know, she's upset and crying because he had said no to her. Her emotions were so genuine and all because she was hurt by her brothers rejection. Of course several minutes later, they worked it out and he agreed to 5 minutes of Bingo to help her. It struck me immediately how beautiful it was that she felt her emotions fully and in real time. She didn't stuff or distort her feelings and in fact, she felt she had every right to them. That made me proud of myself and her father for setting the tone that feelings are okay. Not to say that there aren't appropriate moments to hold off on emotional reactions, like if you're upset in the middle of a restaurant...but then, one can still cry quietly at the table instead of being hysterical. The point is that feelings are our own barometer of our experiences and it's our way of relating to the world around us. There are no right or wrong feelings, although people judge their feelings all of the time. Even worse is that people judge other people's feelings too. People struggle with accepting their own feelings so is it any wonder that they judge, criticize and demean other people's feelings? While getting coffee a little while ago, a client texted me about how upset she is over the ending of a relationship. She was talking about some of the hurtful things he had said and I reminded her that those experiences are meant to make you stronger. She was upset over the fact that it upset her so much. My response was simple: "The only way to find your voice is to validate and feel everything. It's the only real thing. Then your shield of protection and self worth increases. Give yourself love first and foremost." She understood immediately and told me that she felt relieved that she was allowed to feel. She wrote, "It's good to know it's okay to feel hurt and then in time, move forward. I always had a false belief that the strong people in the world didn't feel pain. Especially when the perpetrator of the pain is a known buffoon." What she meant by the buffoon comment is what if you've been hurt by someone before, yet you keep getting hurt again by them. That's part of the process and as you become more in sync with your feelings, you'll get tired of the pain and finally move out of harms way. You still have to feel though. So many of us grew up in homes where the parents were not in their integrity with their emotions. When you grow up that way, feelings get stuffed, distorted and minimized. We get told things like, "don't feel that way, don't upset your mother, we don't talk about things like that" or "you're being dramatic." Some family systems are so shut down that everyone just knows that there are things that are never to be discussed. Is it surprising then that so many adults are walking around like zombies, completely disconnected from themselves and their feelings. That's why many turn to substances, to feel something, anything and also to numb the pain of disconnection. Here is the truth, that strong people feel everything with no apology, no guilt and no beating themselves up. Feelings are everything in a world of fake, manipulations, and deception. The only voice of truth is our own emotions. As we gradually shift and get stronger, our feelings change too. That's why feelings are a great measurement and reflection of our emotional growth. The goal is to be in complete alignment with our feelings. That's true strength. When something upset me recently, I cried almost immediately and was able to verbalize my feelings in real time just like my daughter had this morning. I was so proud afterward because there was a time I would have stuffed my emotions. I didn't feel bad about my feelings, I actually felt great and was able to heal faster because I didn't hold back. Just like my kids, I moved from one emotion to the next and didn't look back. As the latin phrase so accurately conveys..."Veritas vos liberabit - The truth will set you free."

The Mack Truck

"God created sex. Priests created marriage"...(Voltaire). "The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast"...(Gabriel García Márquez). Now, I agree with that last quote but most people in marriages would be quite happy if there was some sex going on and a decent sex life just might help in the rebuilding process. Do sex and marriage honestly go hand in hand together? Of course, a healthy marriage generally consists of good sex...a disconnected marriage generally has little to no sex. Some would joke that a sexless marriage might be considered normal. I would argue that point, although there is some truth to the sarcasm about how people who are married tend to have less sex. I remember being at a wedding before I got married and all of the married couples were downing their drinks, joking about how sex flies out the window after getting married. I laughed with them, hoping that they were really just kidding. They weren't kidding. What happens to sex in marriages? People often tell me in sessions that sex was good while dating, then all but disappears once they say "I do." Hmmm, I didn't know the vows secretly say, "till death do us part, I agree to a passionless marriage without the beauty and fun of a good sex life." If you look at it that way, the "I do" sounds more like a "Guilty" and then a prison sentence. I like the idea that a marriage should be more like a soul mate union versus a cell mate situation. I didn't know handcuffs were attached to the white dress, lol. Okay, handcuffs could be fun however as long as it's restricted to role playing. Here is my philosophy in a nutshell. Sex is easy, like riding a tandem bike. Marriage is hard, kind of like driving a Mack truck with two people at the wheel. So, since marriage is difficult...sex is no longer easy and eventually the Mack truck runs over the tandem bike, crushing it beneath it's wheels. The truck didn't mean to run over the tandem bike. The bike represented something the couple use to enjoy but navigating a Mack truck with two drivers through many obstacles is no easy task. The Mack truck veered off course and as both people fought over directions, cargo and speed....the poor tandem bike got neglected and just wasn't being cherished any longer. With poor visibility, the Mack truck squashes the bike and thus....sex and the tandem bike become collateral damage. "Marriage must constantly fight against a monster which devours everything: routine"...(Honore de Balzac). Rephrased, the monster....two people fighting to control that truck loaded up with obligations, schedules, pressures, family, health issues, and more becomes a routine that devours everything in its path, including the couple. The beauty of lessons however is that couples can work on taking back their lives...sometimes together and sometimes apart. Perhaps marriages should be more like a Mack truck with a student driver steering wheel next to the real steering wheel. Maybe couples should take turns at the wheel, so that when one gets tired or can no longer see the road, the other one takes over. If couples stopped fighting over who is in charge and co-piloted together, perhaps they would have better control of their vehicle. In addition, it's never advised that one partner in a marriage hands over the wheel entirely, letting one person be in complete control, (yet both resenting) that only one person is driving. The word partnership implies equality and two people working together. In a partnership, one person does not bark orders or berate the other either. That is not a respectful partnership and the Mack truck will run over more than a tandem bike in that scenario. Even better though is that the partnership consists of love and nurturing so that sometimes one could just rest and sleep with complete trust and faith that the other person is keeping things going. On that note, the couple should so cherish their tandem bike that their truck is fitted with a bike rack. In addition, the couple can make sure there is room in the cargo area for individual bikes, so as to always maintain their individuality and sense of freedom on their journey together. It's healthy and necessary for individuals to head off on bike rides alone sometimes (metaphorically speaking), to take in new vista's and gain some new perspective on life, to share with their co-pilot. Back to sex and marriage and driving Mack trucks...hey no easy feat to navigate but people should keep on trying anyway. "For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked"...(Bill Cosby). "Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join"...(Elbert Hubbard).

It's So Complicated

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher"...(Socrates). "Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage"...(Sydney J. Harris). I've observed countless couples throughout my life, both in my family system and as a therapist. As an observer, I never understood the complexities involved in a relationship, until I became a participant and then a therapist. As a participant, I went through many varied lessons in each relationship I was involved in and with each lesson, I gradually understood that fears are often the main road block to having healthier connections. The fears are deeply rooted in ones self esteem causing defenses and barriers. As a therapist, I have a private front row seat into peoples lives and thus get invited in to hear the most intimate details about the walls people construct for protection. Counseling couples is kinda like being a referee. I should get a whistle and wear a striped shirt because it can get pretty brutal in sessions sometimes. There is usually so much information couples want to get on the table that sessions almost always go past the hour. I swear, in some cases, I could spend 8 hours straight with a couple and probably barely make a dent in the complex emotions involved in being a couple. There is a very funny movie starring Meryl Streep called, "It's Complicated." I saw it in the theatres originally and it made me laugh so hard. Essentially it is about a couple who had been divorced for many years who find themselves entangled into a love affair with one another. The movie really touches on the reality that relationships are absolutely complicated. Art imitates life as we know. My grandmother married my grandfather twice...after both of them had married other people, they somehow found themselves back with each other at some point. Now that I'm older, I certainly understand how there is so much to relationships and matters of the heart. When I was younger, I didn't understand how my grandmother married the same man twice, yet now I totally get it. This issue is a continuation of the subject about revisiting old relationships. Marriage is not easy and when you add the complications of life, kids, immaturity, childhood emotional wounds and defenses....it's no wonder that many marriages fall apart. I certainly know that when I look back to when I walked down the isle, I had rose colored glasses on when it came to how to make a marriage work. I was too insecure to set needed boundaries and even though I was a therapist, I still lacked emotional strength to express my feelings effectively. I have learned so much about myself and relationships over the past 20 something years and all I can say now is that often people just don't appreciate what they have until it's gone. With that said, sometimes the best lessons happen when you lose everything. I've spoken to many divorced men over the past six months and many of them have discussed in detail how they truly didn't fully appreciate their former spouses when they had the chance and regret some of their actions and behaviors. Also in counseling so many people throughout the years, I have observed again and again, how the biggest leaps in personal insight and growth happen when people are in the most pain. In the sauna at the gym, Mimi and her husband who have been together 50 years, tell me countess stories of disagreements, ignoring one another and calling truces. Through it all though, they laugh and still love to hike together. Mimi says that the biggest key to their longevity is that they apologize and never let arguments go on for too long. Here are some interesting quotes about marriage. "Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years"...(Simone Signoret). "Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate"...(Barnett R. Brickner). "A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time"...(Anne Taylor Fleming). "More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse"...(Doug Larson). "One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again"...(Judith Viorst). "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person"...(Mignon McLaughlin). I don't have all of the answers when it comes to relationships but what I do know is that it is imperative to remain open to the hope that we all have numerous opportunities for growth and change. In addition, we all have blind spots and like the previous quote says simply, you have to be the best partner first before you can expect to attract the best partner. You inevitably attract a mirror in your mate of your own deficits. Hopefully though, you also help to balance and enhance each others strengths as well. The more you address your deficits, the better odds you have at having healthier relationships. Individuals and thus partnerships need ongoing work and dedication otherwise they fail to flourish. On one hand, I see too many people stay in bad marriages, unhappy and stuck, too afraid to make necessary changes. On the other hand, many people are trying to make marriages work and just need tools to help them grow individually and together. "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers"...(Ruth Bell Graham).

Here I Am

"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are"...(Confucius). Here I am....listening to inspiring music, writing and enjoying a Thin Mint. Here I am listening to the song by Leona Lewis called "Here I am." Here I am.....learning, loving and wondering how life will continue to surprise me. Here I am.....watching my kids laugh as they spit spit-balls at each other. Here I am.....with open arms, embracing each and every opportunity that comes my way. Here I am....shaking my head in astonishment as life shows me time and time again that as soon as I think I have it all figured out, life shows me something new and astounding. Here I am....loving the life I have created and truly enjoying each and every moment of every single day. Some days may be tougher than others, but here I am smiling......knowing that it always gets better. Here I am....guessing, imagining and waiting for life to unfold and present me with new discoveries. Here I am....proud of the progress I've made over the past several years and I applaud the woman I have become and continue to grow into. Bravery and courage have become my new strengths...so here I am helping others grow into their new brave selves too. Here I am enjoying this quote, “I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped"...(Frederick Perls). Here I am....so incredibly thankful that I am living in Southern California, enjoying warm winter weather, even though I have now become quite wimpy when it's 50 degrees. Here I am....wondering what the temperature is in Connecticut right now, knowing that no matter what, it's colder there than here. Here I am on Google, finding a ton of great quotes about "I am." “I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you"...(Roy Croft). “I am the miracle"...(Buddha). “I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world"...(Albert Einstein). Here I am....singing out loud. Here I am...laughing about the dysfunctional lyrics to the Backstreet Boys song "As Long As you Love Me." Think about it....those lyrics say "I don't care who you are, don't care what you did....as long as you love me." The tune is catchy however and sums up just about every relationship based on insecurities. Did you know that there are countless songs with the title "As I am," by artists like The Goo Goo Dolls, Miley Cyrus and Alicia Keys. Here I am purchasing and downloading the song by The Goo Goo Dolls because I like it and the lyrics are wonderful. Here I am...getting sleepy and thinking about cuddling with my kids until they and I fall asleep. Here I am...happy in every way with who I am and teaching my children to embrace who they are in every way too....for they are divine and amazing souls. "The words I am are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you"...(A.L. Kitselman).

Leaving Eden

Alright, I am a bit hung over from that semi sugar binge I went on last night, consuming a box of Hot Tamales. I know a box doesn't sound like much but I really don't eat a lot of sugar so trust me, one box is more than enough to send me on a sugar high. My treat for today might be Thin Mints (stored nicely in the freezer), since Girl Scout cookies arrived yesterday. Okay, back to serious contemplation. Believe it or not, the story of the garden of Eden kept crossing my mind, so I did some Google searching. Specifically, I did some research about the Kabbalah, the Tree of Life and the story of Adam and Eve. The Kabbalah teaches that "God’s blessings flow to the world through the Tree of Life when there is ethical behavior among humans. God and humankind are interdependent.... Thus, we are 'co-creators with God Itself." In addition, according to The Kabbalah "a person must metaphorically and spiritually ascend the 10 points of the Tree of Life to reunite with the Divine. As one increases his or her spiritual capabilities, one increases the capacity to contain more of the Light pouring down through these 10 emanations, and so draws nearer to the Creator....Thus, the Tree of Life both symbolizes the Divine Being, and offers the way back for humans to be reunited with the source from whence he came." I love the idea of that. With that in mind, we are all rebuilding our vessels and climbing a metaphorical ladder back to the divine within. "In Kabbalah, Adam and Eve are viewed as symbols of male and female energy and as metaphor for the 'primordial Vessel whose existence' came before creation, thus encompassing all the souls of humanity to come. The presence of the Serpent, considered a fragmenting force, was necessary for creation; otherwise, all would unite with God. This gave man the opportunity of earning the Light on his own. One of the hidden meanings of the story is that there are two Gardens of Eden, one above, and one below, and reuniting these two Gardens is the goal of humankind. ...everything, including evil, has divine nature. Adam and Eve took a second bite of the fruit, done out of self-serving motives, thus short-circuiting their ability to receive the fullness of the Creator’s Light and moving them back to the material level with a knowledge of death and evil. God’s command that Adam must now work the land was not literal; rather, it meant that he must rebuild the Vessel of yourself through your own work in the world." That certainly sums up much of what I've been writing over the past year and a half, that we are all in lesson...growing more emotionally and spiritually with each lesson we tackle. "As in the Eastern religions, Kabbalah teaches reincarnation, the belief that we die and are reborn, living many lives, ever seeking to advance spiritually. We are in a process of repairing our broken vessels, which may take many lifetimes. When a critical mass of humanity spiritually advances, it tips the scale in favor of all humanity, and will bring us back to a connection with the immortality we had before the fall. We all have sparks of the Divine and are shards, albeit broken ones, of the original Vessel in the Garden. We can fix ourselves, regain what was lost. Our days spent doing good deeds are 'woven into a garment of splendor that will clothe the soul as she enters God’s presence in the world to come. There are three ways to ascend to higher consciousness: study and scrutiny of behavior; [today's psychology & personality assessments?] seclusion, contemplation, and soul-searching; and having a constant awareness of the implications of everything one does." This version of Adam and Eve makes more sense to me, metaphorically speaking. The idea that Adam and Eve meant well and were always searching for the light, albeit through an error in judgement, teaches all of us that we can be reunited with the divine light with continued work and effort. Isn't the idea anyway that Eden is a place to be found inside of us, not outside of us. Many people have created their own version of Eden with money and comforts, yet many are still seeking, feeling lost, broken, empty and disempowered. Money cannot create Eden. Denial cannot create Eden either. Many live behind facades, hiding their misery and pain. I see now how Eden is a state of awareness and a light that shines brightly within. Living of and in the world is no easy task sometimes. That is where the lessons are learned however, in a world full of challenges, tests and deceptions. Hey, if climbing the spiritual/emotional ladder was so easy, then we'd have no true sense of the growth it took to get there. The hardest lessons seem to garner the most self improvement and insight. I certainly know that from those gut wrenching moments I have had, those moments that tears are streaming down my face and I am raw and completely open, I have advanced emotionally by leaps and bounds. I truly cry my tears in gratitude now, knowing that I was offered yet another lesson helping to advance my soul on this journey I am on. Finding Eden within is the goal then...to take each step with vigilance, awareness and care and to know that we each affect each other profoundly, mirroring each other's lessons to help one another in this life. Everything happens for a reason, to show us from moment to moment, what we still need to learn and thus what we have attracted to help us grow the most.

Now More Than Ever

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser"...(John Gardner). Right now I am binging on Hot Tamales. Yes, you read correctly. You know, those little red candies from childhood that pack a bit of a spicy punch. Sooo good!! Okay, binging is a bit harsh....more like serious snacking. Some people hit the hard stuff when they've had a tough day but I keep it simple and crack open a box of Hot Tamales. The past twenty four hours was full of more lessons of course. Never a dull moment in my life. As usual, just when I think I'm coasting for a while, I'm hit with a wave that knocks the breath out of me. Mmmm, give me a moment while I grab another Hot Tamale and gather my thoughts. Okay, the lessons of today are about the past, present and future. I've realized that we can't erase the past....nor should we really, but we can learn valuable lessons from the past so as to grow the most from what we've been through. I'm struck with some memories of my first relationship at 18 years old. That relationship was a train wreck really, but just when I thought I had the courage to get off the train, it would pull me back in. You see, sometimes we all have a tough time differentiating the past from the present, so I kept repeating the past, afraid to let go. The ride continued on and off for several years. I thought I'd never escape the ties to that train wreck of a relationship but I finally got off once and for all. It wasn't easy. No matter how bad that relationship was for me, I kept rationalizing why I needed to give it another try. Back then, neither one of us had the tools to be healthier, so the healthiest choice ultimately was to walk away. Now, the hard part for me was that no matter how toxic that relationship was, I couldn't resolve my feelings. The ultimate lesson was that feelings never end but relationships do. I'm still faced with that very hard lesson. There is no such thing as a complete ending when it comes to emotions. Wouldn't it be so nice to tuck our feelings into a lock box and throw away the keys. It doesn't work that way. I sure try to have some type of closure with my feelings but that just means I try to be honest and open about how I feel so that things are not left unsaid. Otherwise though, feelings live on in us long after relationships have ended. When I was younger after my first train wreck relationship, I kinda vowed to try to contain my feelings better. That agreement really didn't work. I just got better at deceiving myself. Controlling our feelings is a bit like trying to hide an elephant in plain sight. You can pretend that you don't see it but it's absolutely still there. The challenge is really with ourselves. When the past draws people back in, what still needs to be addressed is within emotional debris. Sometimes, it is a test....to teach us how far we've come and how much of us is still in the past. It also exposes our vulnerabilities. Everyone is perhaps vulnerable to cling to the past, conveniently glossing over the pain and the parts that clearly didn't work. Is new hope ever possible in old relationships? Of course, but not without much insight, work and continued vigilance and honesty about ones feelings. It's just too easy to jump back into past relationships because it's what you know. Besides that, people struggle profoundly with self worth and value, so it's safer to jump into something familiar rather than to risk the vulnerability of the unknown. The energy of love is tough to decipher sometimes and no matter how much you have moved on in your life, love never leaves us. Loving someone always stays with us in some way and never really departs our hearts and souls. Past relationships are a shadow imprint in our souls reflection, having helped us grow into the people we are and in who we are meant to be ultimately. The shadows are not meant to be clung to, just acknowledged as part of who we are and where we've been. The confusing part is about sorting through those old love ties and deciding what has healed and which ones need further work. These are no easy answers and each person has their own heart to answer to regarding matters of love. In the meantime, I'm sadly finishing my last Hot Tamale, which like love....often has a bittersweet ending. I guess like my Hot Tamales, endings may only be temporary because I know I will find another box of Hot Tamales and thus the issues connected to love just never end really....and they leave a sweet and possibly sour taste in our souls, which live on in our memories. We always gotta take the good with the bad as they say, because every heart connection is a profound life lesson. Now more than ever, I have much gratitude for all of the lessons of the heart I have endured and persevered. "By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning"...(Lao Tzu). "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"...(Havelock Ellis).

The Heart Speaks

Another Valentine's Day has passed and it is interesting as I reflect about how much has shifted for me since last Valentine's Day. Okay, last year I happily trekked to Target and bought some of my favorite things as a way of honoring myself on Valentine's. I spouted about how it doesn't matter whether men participate in this very marketed day and how women should just expect nothing. I might have changed my tune ever so slightly. Alright, although it is a Hallmark day for sure, there is something sweet about a day that is all about the heart. I loved seeing red hearts everywhere and my five year old was so extremely excited to go to school Monday because he was anticipating his Valentine's Day party. My kids came home from school yesterday with their bags full of cards and candy and they were over joyed by the simplicity of giving and receiving Valentine's. They were even excited to give me the homemade cards they had made expressing how much they love me and saying "you're the bestest mommy in the whole wide world." Hey, even if Valentine's Day is over marketed, I don't care because it is a day to truly honor love. Should we honor love every day? Of course...but one day purely dedicated to paying homage to love is alright with me. Now, even though I have come to expect nothing on Valentine's (thus no pressure for any man I might be dating), I was happily surprised when a man I am seeing said, "We are celebrating Valentine's Day!" I wasn't sure that I had heard him correctly at first. "Say what?" Yes indeed...I had heard correctly and it turns out that some men out there willingly (and without hints or coercion) participate in Valentine's Day. That was a nice surprise. By the way, that is a far cry from another guy I was chatting with at some point who told me that he stops dating during the month of February so as to avoid Valentine's Day altogether. I think I prefer the romantic. I am a hopeless romantic after all and even though I would never put pressure on anyone to celebrate Valentine's, it sure warmed my heart when my date wanted to celebrate honoring the heart with me. He even took it a step further and gave me the traditional dozen roses....which impressed me immensely. Nothing wrong with traditional after all because there is something completely chivalrous about it really. I'm very glad that I expected nothing however because anything I received was a complete surprise and totally appreciated. Symbolically, the image for this blog of a heart drawn in the snow, says it all really. Love can melt our hearts, keep us warm through the coldest nights and give us hope. “Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart and the senses"...(Lao Tzu). Here's to another year of honoring the energy of love and may every day be Valentine's Day.

Divine Communication

“The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer"...(Marcus Aurelius). Okay, maybe I have a dirty mind but sex is an important topic that once again, I must write about. Now dirty isn't a fair word about sex because there is nothing more connected and pure about a good sexual connection. How did dirty ever get associated with something so beautiful. Well, perhaps is was when some of the beauty was taken out of sex when it was demeaned, marketed, sold and manipulated by religions and society. Society has really done a number on sex that hasn't sold such a beautiful version of it. Religions rant that sex is bad, evil and a sin, yet so many god fearing people keep on doing it. Why do people have to feel so bad about doing something so natural? Well, once the image of sex got twisted, then it became a war....good girls don't, bad girls do. Such propoganda really. People aren't taught to honor sex and to connect with the sacred essense that sex was truly meant to be. Sex is a form of communication and when it is based on respect and integrity, it is self expression at it's best. Unfortunately though, I come across too many people who outright reject their sexual selves for a variety of reasons. Guilt and shame are often the culprits for sexual self rejection. Those issues are clearly a reflection of deeper emotional issues as well as a reflection about how much you value yourself. Sex is a powerful energy however and guidance and care must be used when harnessing it. Men out there use outright tricks to seduce women all of the time. The male dating guru basically directs men on the how-to's of a quick seduction. Women need to be savvy to this. Women want sex too but often can be tricked by the seduction and overwhelmed by their own hormones and end up with men that aren't so good for them. Sexual energy is a gift that must be explored and respected really. Thanks to technology, sexual energy can now be sent via texts and e-mails. That certainly can be a fun way to communicate but I have found through dating and in discussing this with many men and women, that the technology is the intimacy....or another barrier to real intimacy. I can't tell you how many profiles I've read that issue warnings that they are looking for more than a texting relationship, which shows that many are coming across individuals all too comfortable with disconnected relationships through cell phones. Hey, technology should enhance intimacy not be the pretend intimacy. I'm not trying to discount the fun from flirting via cell phones but at the end of the day, I want more than a pretend boyfriend. Personally, I love to taste a real kiss and caress after intense playfulness. Texting cannot deliver on that. Sexual expression for me is a direct reflection of my emotions, depth of feelings and passion that I experience in connection with another. The extent of that expression and how much I let go, depends on how safe I feel. Each person reflects their own beliefs, fears and self worth in how they express or hide their sexual selves. Overall, we have our physical bodies as a way of expressing the essence of who we are. From that perspective, sex becomes a sacred act, reflecting the depth of two souls coming together to create a unique imprint. Not all sex is sacred however...it depends on the intention of the individuals. If people do not consider themselves sacred or value themselves, then sex will be shallow and possibly degrading. Sex can be an act of self love as well as sharing that love with another but if you do not feel worthy of love, then you may reject everything loving that comes your way. "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself"...(George Bernard Shaw). The very word creation is interesting since every single one of us was created during an act of sex. That sums up the divine power of sex, that it creates life. It can also create pleasure and bliss once it is approached with the respect it deserves. “There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex"...(Billy Joel).

Heart and Soul

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body"....(C. S. Lewis). I listen carefully as people tell me their stories. Some men have recently disclosed that they thought that love is an act not a feeling. That is so pragmatic and concrete, which is often how men process things. We can act in loving ways of course toward others, but giving love to someone does not mean that you are in love with them. Being in love is a deeper soul connection that defies lists and reasoning. Certainly, loving behavior is essential in the journey of connecting more to one's heart. Once connected to your heart though....the living pulse of your soul, love....just flows effortlessly from who you are. Love becomes reflected in your very essence. Young children love that way. No matter how they're treated, neglected or such...they still display such love toward those around them. Through time however, those children grow into adults with scars and shields which protect them from giving and receiving love. The journey is to heal so that love can flow freely once more through your heart and soul. Such beauty can come from those wounds of the past. Some souls have a softer journey and have less wounds to contend with. Those souls are refreshing in that their innocence is evident in how they cannot begin to relate to a trail in life filled with incredible hardships. Their trail is paved and has few hills or distractions. On their path, the skies may always be blue and the sun is shining. For the rest of us however, our trails were not so easy. Ours required rock climbing, braving the elements and staying on a trail that may have been treacherous at times. The difficult trails tested us to our very limits and those who prevail, end up stronger than ever imagined. Difficult trails are life's way of teaching us the most. It's always our freedom of choice however, what we choose to do with those lessons. I cannot repeat that sentiment enough. Now, given that we are souls with bodies, then we use our bodies and all of our senses as a way of interpreting our feelings and experiences. Often times though, people are not sure about what they are feeling which creates all kinds of confusion. People also are often not sure what they are projecting onto others, which creates even more confusion. It's kinda like internet service, picking up on multiple signals but not being sure what's yours and what belongs to others. That is why insight and awareness are the key to unraveling the mystery of oneself and getting back to one's heart center. The heart is the pulse of your life force, so to create harmonic relationships on all fronts, one must align with the divine within. Bottom line, you have to find yourself worthy and as unique and priceless as a Stradivarius. Like a rare and unique instrument, knowing how to fine tune your senses, so that only the most beautiful notes and songs emanate from your soul. Then, when you laugh, speak, make love, work or play.....your heart radiates such warmth, honesty, integrity and thus beauty. "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart"...(Kahlil Gibran). In a world that tries to sell everyone on the idea that one must chase the dream of riches, fame, approval, fitting in and everything external....one must go against the tide to look within, for all of the answers are there, waiting to be discovered. "The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard but must be felt with the heart"....(Helen Keller).

Heart Matters

"Above all else, guard your heart for it affects everything else you do"...(Proverbs 4:23). I have written so much over the past year and a half about the importance of following your heart...but I think that I got so caught up leading with an open heart, I forgot to mention that we also must protect our hearts. Most of the time, the challenge for people is to work on their defenses so that they can be more in tune and in line with their hearts. Once people are in tune with their hearts, the next lesson is to address, observe and push through natural defenses when one feels vulnerable. Hey, feeling vulnerable is our hearts way of saying that we have entered the deeper waters of emotional risk. Like learning how to swim, when a child has the skills to survive yet somehow feels incredibly vulnerable swimming across the deep end for the first time. You become increasingly aware that the water is very deep, it is risky and you could drown...but you kick and paddle until your confidence or sheer will takes over and you get to the other side. The same thing occurs in the ocean when you swim through the enormous waves to get to deeper waters. The waves are scary at first, tossing you around until you finally get to the other side, where the water is calmer, yet still deep and requires courage to stay there. Emotional connection is similar. Clients tell me all of the time how scary it is when they are entering a new relationship and they are feeling excited, yet scared that have entered the deep end of the abyss. They want to keep swimming but fear that some unknown current will pull them under. Of course, I feel the same way when I am feeling vulnerable. My dreams usually help me work out any fears that pop up, but we all must surrender to the process that to follow our hearts, we must be willing to be vulnerable. Protecting the heart is important too, but we cannot build massive barriers....that is not protection, that only leads to isolation. I think that protecting the heart is more like taking risks with increased awareness and occasional caution. Sometimes, even a broken heart is a necessary lesson though. How else are we to learn the value of a real connection if misleading ones had not occurred? My protection now is an inner resiliency, which acts like a life preserver that sits on the sidelines as a security blanket, just in case. I know now that I have the strength to survive any wound my heart might endure, even if I end up out of breath occasionally and left treading water or under extreme conditions, needing the life preserver to pull me out. Either way, I'll be okay. I'd rather take the leap into the deep end when my heart says to jump. Oh sure, sometimes I jumped, learned a needed lesson and worked my way back to shallow waters realizing that the relationship was a quick lesson in pacing, trust or garnering a new perspective. Either way, my skills always get stronger with each leap that I make. Many people are spectators, sitting in lounge chairs observing the action, alone and fearful. Hey, even if one is afraid, just wade in the shallow waters for a bit until confidence and courage grows to the point of venturing into deeper emotional waters. The first step though is taken by just putting one toe into the water. "Let your heart be your compass, your mind your map, your soul your guide...and you will never get lost"....(Author Unknown). "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing"...(Helen Keller).