Seize The Day

The energy that motivates us into action can often be building for quite some time. At some particular moment however, the energy shifts into high gear and we have an opportunity to seize the moment and act. Carpe Diem is a statement made famous from the movie, The Dead Poet's Society. It is translated from Latin as 'seize the day'. It is a profound statement of declaring the moment as the only one that counts and it's about taking a leap of faith. We only have one life to live, so what do we have to lose by seizing the moment? At Starbuck's one morning, many years ago, I'll never forget a guy walking in wearing shorts and we are in the middle of a blizzard! Guess he decided to seize the moment and behave as if it was 70 degrees out. Our reality is whatever we make it! I am trying to teach my kids about being in the moment and taking chances. Life can be pretty boring if you spend it playing it safe. People live in fear, fretting about the what if's. Most people ruminate over the what if they fail, look stupid, lose money, etc. What if you never take a chance however? What if you regret having played it safe? Here are some fun quotes about Carpe Diem. "Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think"....(Chinese Proverb). "Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right"...(H.H. "Breaker" Morant). "Go for it now. The future is promised to no one"...(Wayne Dyer). "Every man dies. Not every man really lives"....(Braveheart). "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive"...(Elbert Hubbard). "As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do"...(Zachary Scott). What moments have you had in your life when you really seized the moment? What are your dreams, the ones that make you want to seize the moment? Would you seize the moment or talk yourself out of it? Just some important questions to ask yourself. What if you never try something new, take a risk, tell someone you love them, or forgive someone? Carpe Diem...seize the moment and make it happen. Trust life, trust your gut and follow your heart and leap into the unknown. We all know stories of people who play it safe. How many of our parents, friends and family do we all have that live life in a very predictable way, never taking chances. Many people talk themselves out of their dreams, their intuition and their heartfelt desires. They tell themselves that "It's crazy, it can never happen, or it would never work." Let the universe work out the logistics....if you think it, feel it then dream it, the universe will conspire to make it happen. Honor yourself to take the leap to seize the day. Life is full of opportunity, believe in yourself and the rest will work itself out. So "Carpe Diem" I say loudly as we soon head into the new year. Make 2015 the best year ever by finally being true to yourself in every way possible! "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever"....(Mahatma Gandhi).

Blank Canvas

 

    I tend to have a vivid dream life. In one dream, I was painting an ocean scene. I was painting the scene over and over, trying to take in different perspectives. At one point, I sat in front of the blank canvas, keenly aware that I had the power to create any scene I wanted. The message I gleamed from the dream was that personal insight is much like taking out a paint brush and starting with a blank canvas, painting a picture of your life. Often people just live their lives, never looking closely at themselves or the scenery around them, rarely looking deeper into what they are seeing and living. When you are painting or drawing, you must observe every detail more carefully. You see colors, characteristics, shadows and contours that you rarely see when you glance quickly at something or someone. When you sharpen your perception to take in more details, you see so much more. When you stop living in a blur and look more closely at yourself, you start seeing your life in a different light. The other observation is that the more you are willing to look at yourself, the more clearly, you can see others. Several clients reminded me of this dynamic recently. As their awareness and insight had expanded, their insight into their spouses and family members had become more finely tuned. One client asked, "How is that I could have lived with someone for so many years and knew that there were some concerns, yet somehow denied how bad it really was?" That is easy to answer. It is like taking the canvas of your life and smudging the scene until you can barely make out what the scene looks like. This kind of denial resembles finger painting. Other people paint highly distorted scenes altogether of their lives, portraying a fantasy rather than painting reality. This would be a painting of a beautiful castle, meanwhile the occupants inside the castle are held captive under evil rule. This would be the families taunting pictures of their perfect life everywhere, while the husband is cheating and the mom is drinking excessively. This denial would resemble fantasy art. Of course, everyone denies reality at some time in their lives. When you are ready to break the denial, you see the scenery with more clarity and your painting becomes more detailed and honest.
     People also have their own unique perspectives, thus everyone lives in different realities. Take 20 people and sit them on a beach with a canvas and acrylic paints. Each and every painting might resemble each other, yet would be completely different. Their focus and details would vary significantly. That is absolutely true in a relationship. Two people can have absolutely opposing perspectives on the same relationship. Here is an example of opposing views in a relationship. A client said that his wife is so angry that he wants a divorce and just wants to blame him and retaliate. The angry spouse lives in his own reality. In his painting, he only sees himself. He does not see how his behavior affected the marriage and does not want to see how tense the relationship had been for years. In his painting, the details reflect his reality, no matter how many times other perspectives tried to tell him otherwise. So many people live in this type of denial. Also, if people have narcissistic wounds from childhood, they really deny how their behavior affects their relationships in any way. They often become vengeful, spreading lies about the spouse who dares to leave the relationship. They have to justify their rage....so they blame. The angry person begins recruiting anybody who will listen which only reinforces their distorted reality. They show their painting around town, telling everyone how the title wave came out of the blue and how the "other" who caused the wave is awful. This is why the more insightful you can be about your feelings and your own behavior, the more vivid and clear your paintings can become.
     The last insight I took from the dream is that we all have the amazing power to change our paintings and our lives. If indeed we are the creators of our reality, then we have the power to change our reality. How do we change it? First, we set out to discover what we have been painting since it's imperative to acknowledge the version of reality we keep recreating. Then, we set ourselves free by allowing a new scene to appear, one we are longing to create and live. By creating the new picture in your mind, you create a new reality, even if the reality has not yet been created in real time. I always hold pictures in my mind of what my life will look like in one year, two years, etc. Once I hold that image in my head, my choices and intuition head me in that direction. One year later, I look around and enjoy the fact that the scene I had imagined had become reality. I also enjoy the surprises, the things in my life that are even better than what I had imagined. I also accept that sometimes I couldn't account for lessons I still needed to learn, which explains the things that have not yet manifested from my vision. We also have to account for other people's lives to affect ours. These are the varied colors that come from blending. Embrace that others are creating their paintings as well and do not discount their reality because it does not fit with the image you held of what your life would look like. A parent that does not want to accept that his son is gay, is holding onto a fantasy painting of reality, versus embracing the beauty that comes from allowing others the freedom to live their lives authentically. We all have blind spots that are lessons yet to be learned and experiences meant to guide us. The beauty of life is that we can all start again with a blank canvas and recreate our lives and concurrently our paintings. Life is an ever changing experience and with a stroke of the brush and a keen eye for seeing things in life we never noticed before, we can paint our lives in a new direction. "A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience"...(Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.).

Holiday's

Christmas is such a magical time. It seems to bring about an attitude of joy, festivities and celebration. Aside from the shopping and the busy stores, we all get a little nicer, kinder and sentimental during this month. The festivities bring family and friends together and the parties bring joy and laughter. At my kids schools, the excitement is in the air as they have their holiday plays, parties and make crafty gifts to bring home. The month sure flies by with all of the busyness, but there is nothing like the beautiful holiday decorations, holiday music and kindness in the air. I just watched "The Grinch" and I love the end, when he realizes that Christmas does not come from a store wrapped in a box, bag or bow, "perhaps Christmas means a little bit more." Here are some inspiring quotes about Christmas. "Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful"...(Norman Vincent Peale). "Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind"...(Mary Ellen Chase). "I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys"...(Charles Dickens). As I listen to Tony Bennett's Christmas CD and watch the snow fall outside, my heart warms with the Christmas spirit. The spirit of the the birth of Christ is a sentiment that is inspiring as well, regardless of religious affiliation or beliefs. The lessons teaching of service and humility, forgiveness, faith, turning the other cheek, and love for humanity. This is a time of year when we all are more open to kindness, charity, and reaching out to loved ones. Of course since I am idealistic, it sure would be nice if everyone could carry a bit more holiday cheer throughout the year and not only in December. Here is my holiday wish for each and every day, 365 days a year. I wish for hearts to heal and be open to forgiveness and compassion. I wish to celebrate each and every day as if it is Christmas morning, filled with the joy of waking up and the faith that there is magic happening all around us. Lastly, I wish for hope and love to light our hearts with the sentiment of Christmas throughout the year. Have a very Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Holidays!

A Voice

Cultural and ethnic prejudice is an enormous concern in our society, as is gender bias. Being a female, I know all too well the challenges women face in this day and age. Even though women have made tremendous strides in equality, we are far from being treated fairly. Women still earn fewer wages per hour than their male counterparts. Women face violence and abuse at the hands of the men who say they love them. Women are labeled as bossy and controlling for displaying leadership characteristics, yet men are often praised for the same behaviors. Why is it that our statistics paint a picture that 1 in 3 women in our society will be victims of abuse or sexually assaulted, often from the men they know? How is this okay? Men and women need to address this together to make changes. My family was affected profoundly by gender bias. My mother had become pregnant with my older sister while still in high school. My parents decided to marry since the family pressured them to legitimize their relationship. My father was allowed to finish high school, but my mother was not. The rules in the school system in rural Indiana at the time, strictly prohibited pregnant women from attending high school. There were no programs at the time to educate pregnant teens. Being uneducated put my mom at a severe disadvantage that has always plagued her. Without a high school education and a young mother, her job prospects were limited. When my father left her several years later, when she was pregnant with me, she was left no other choice except to turn to the welfare system. She eventually went to work as a bookkeeper, but the wages she earned were never enough to support three children. Knowing how this affected my mom, created a profound awareness of the value of an education. Becoming college educated became an important goal for me, even though I had no female role models to lead me in that direction. I pushed myself and found role models in teachers, friends, Girl Scout leaders and from counselors. My experiences have shown me that we can all make a difference to help someone reach their goals.  
       Barriers come in all forms, which is why ethnic, culture, gender and poverty are important issues that I address when creating programs for teenagers and children in my community. How does this affect you? We are all affected by the experiences in our lives. Every one of us has a choice: to use our pain to motivate us to create change for ourselves and others; or to allow the pain to turn into bitterness and blame. I'm not saying everyone has to help others, but in helping yourself, you inspire others that change is possible. Coming from a childhood of neglect and poverty, led me to become passionate to help others aspire to break barriers of bias and fear. I have pursued an education, against all odds. Growing up female, poor, and without a father, set the odds against me. Being sexually assaulted during my freshman year in college, made things even harder for me. In addition, I often had to work many hours at three jobs as an undergraduate to pay tuition and expenses. There were quarters that I had to drop out, due to stress and financial hardship. Through insight, awareness, and education, my self esteem slowly but steadily improved. Eventually, I pushed further to attain two graduate degrees. Were there times that I felt hopeless, depressed and overwhelmed? Absolutely! I had many hardships, but they never held me back, they just slowed me down a bit. I made some terrible choices when I was in pain, but I learned from those experiences. Also, some of the barriers I faced, only pushed me harder to succeed. My mission is to inspire others to push through barriers that others have placed in front of them. Through empowerment brings a voice and with a voice brings the desire to create change.

Don't Lose Yourself

"I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly"..(Buckminster Fuller). Why do so many people give up essential parts of themselves for the sake of relationships? Shouldn't a healthy relationship encourage both people to be who they are completely? The problem is that so many of us watch parents give up who they are and society says, "it's time to grow up," so parts of yourself begin to fade away. We should ideally encourage children to be who they are and to honor their interests. We should do the same for ourselves. I know that I was guilty of sacrificing parts of myself for my marriage and the kids. I felt this internal pressure to take care of everyone and I slowly let important things in my life drift away. During the years of having children, I gave up hiking and several other interests. I rationalized that I did not have time for those things, but I got to a point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was trying to be the mom and wife I was expected to be but lost parts of Denise in the process. During the past several years I essentially vowed to get back to me. I had to begin to trust being me and however that shifted the relationships around me, so be it. I learned considerably during the years of sacrifice. How can you discover who you really are, without losing your way for awhile. Clarity often comes from crisis. I began to see clearly how I couldn't sacrifice myself anymore because the price was just too high. My role with my children shifted positively. They began to see me happier and taking better care of myself. I feel like a healthier role model, showing them that adults don't have to be miserable, lose who they are or go through the motions. What do children have to look forward to if they see adults cranky, edgy and unhappy. No wonder so many teens spin out of control. They often start responding by feeling lost and not respecting the adults around them, who lecture them but don't seem happy themselves. Wouldn't you want to rebel too if there was nothing to look forward to? I've counseled several women this week who listed off things they gave up for their families. One woman gave up going to the gym, because her husband seemed cranky every time she went to leave. Another gave up her hobbies, because her husband gave her a hard time. Another mom suffers from the "guilty mom" syndrome. She gave up time with her friends, believing that she was being selfish if she spent any time away from her kids. One husband gave up cycling, because his wife believed he should. I am not saying that there should never be some compromises, but relationships should encourage each person to feel whole and to honor cherished activities, interests and hobbies. You are not a better spouse for giving up parts of yourself if you end up resentful, feeling empty, angry or numb. You should honor yourself and each other, not make demands on who the other person "should" be. If you don't like who the person is, then the relationship needs to be examined. More importantly, examine how you are feeling, what you are missing and what you need to do to get back to you. The woman who gave up the gym decided to go anyway and ride out her husbands complaining. She even decided to do more hobbies on her own and not cater to her husbands moods so easily anymore. The woman with the "guilty mom" syndrome committed to socializing once a month with friends and realized that she will be a stronger mom if she has an outlet once in awhile. I end up with a lot of clients on the verge of major depression or anxiety, often due to the fact that they feel lost and no longer know who they are, due to numerous sacrifices. The lesson....get back to you. How much have you sacrificed for others? Honor how you feel and begin talking through and negotiating time to get back to the things you love. If there is respect in the relationship, the other person will support your growth. Be in harmony with yourself and trust the process of life to help show you what needs to be addressed in your life and never let go of what you love. "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you"...(Ralph Waldo Emerson).

We All Make A Difference

There is one movie that I would wait to watch every December as a child, "It's a Wonderful Life." I remember watching it, so mesmerized by the story of a man who thinks that everyone would be better off if he had never been born. As a child, the movie gave me hope about the value of each and every life. The character was shown how he had made a huge impact on those around him and if he had not been born, many lives around him would have been altered drastically. The movie affected me profoundly because I struggled with the issue of my existence as a child. I often wondered why I was born at all and for what reason. I would think to myself, what value do I add to this earth? Yes, pretty philosophical for a child, but when the adults around you don't let you know how valuable you are, you begin to question such things. All I knew was that the adults around me did not seem overjoyed about being parents, my dad was gone and my mom disappeared in her own way, emotionally. So this Frank Capra movie gave me hope! It must be true, I would think to myself, that I am here for a reason, even if those reasons were not clear to me at the time. I just trusted that like the character in the movie, my role here would eventually reveal itself. It is so amazing how a movie can be a guiding light for a child, but it was. Proof right there that Frank Capra and everyone involved in making that film, affected someones life, mine. Each soul makes an impact and leaves an imprint, forever shifting and changing everyone they touch. Now as a therapist, my role is to help each person see value in themselves and in their lives. Many people feel hopeless, like the character in the movie. Sometimes, it is hard to fee the forrest through the trees, when you are overwhelmed by fear and doubt. That is why, like the angel in the movie, we can all make a difference in helping someone feel valued and appreciated. I try to help people find their way and to realize that they too are here for a reason. If I can help anyone see the value in their lives, then I have served a purpose. The movie also speaks to the issue of hope, faith and love....in the midst of pain and fear. The end of the movie is so inspiring, when he finally realizes that nothing really matters except love and that he wants to live. When he is surrounded by all of the people his life has touched, he smiles in acknowledgement that his life meant so much more than money, prestige and power. He is grateful in the end for just being alive and knowing that he truly has a wonderful life. That has been my journey too, to find my purpose, to know that I am here for a reason and that I have impacted people's lives for the better. I've come a long way from the lost little girl confused about her existence. I can say with all my heart now, that I have a wonderful life and I am deeply grateful to be here. If you happen to catch "It's a Wonderful Life" this holiday season, I hope it inspires you to ponder as well, how important your life is too. "Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? [Inscribed in a copy of Tom Sawyer] "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence"...(It's a Wonderful Life).

Abundance

The difficulty with kids today is helping them value what they have and to teach them to not buy into the whole "more is better" philosophy. It is a challenge that many parents face today. I'm not the only parent noticing this disposable attitude with children today, in fact adults are also caught up in thinking that more is better. Of course children are surrounded by peers and commercials pushing the latest game system, iPods, toys, movies and more. I hate sounding like my own mother but I was so happy to get the few presents I received growing up. My parent's generation received even less. Ask may grandparents today and they will tell you that their gifts were often something practical, like a pair of shoes. Now during the holiday's, home are filled with piles of gifts. Children make their long lists and they feel entitled to get all of it. What are parents to do, to compete with this expectation? When I was a child, we did not have the technology or sheer choices children have today. It amazes me how my kids can navigate the computer and my iPhone better than I can. I usually try to give my kids some kind of day trip or outing as a part of their presents. I'd rather spend time with them having fun then give them piles of toys and games that will end up under their beds or piled in a corner by the end of January. Don't get me wrong, I still give them some of that junk too, but I try to limit it. It's kinda like fighting a losing battle, but we gotta still try. I also have them bag up some of their old toys every December to donate to Goodwill and the local residential center for children. Last Christmas, I forgot to do that but we went through their stuff in the summer instead. In this season of giving, I'd like my children to learn the value of helping others. I would like my children to learn the true meaning of abundance as well and to appreciate everything they have in their lives. Here are some inspiring quotes about abundance. "You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might also pray in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance"-(Kahlil Gibran). "Your most precious, valued possessions and your greatest powers are invisible and intangible. No one can take them. You, and you alone, can give them. You will receive abundance for your giving"-(W. Clement Stone). "To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance"-(Buddha). So during this holiday season of frantic shopping, socializing and celebrating, we must also remember to feel gratitude and to not lose sight of the true holiday spirit.....sharing our love, our time, our compassion. So pull out your favorite holiday movie, make some popcorn and sit back and enjoy the season....and as I say to my kids, it's not all about the stuff. "Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love"...(Hamilton Wright Mabi).

The Energy of Hope

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love"...(Stendhal). One of my clients noticed on my profile that one of my favorite movies is "The Notebook," so I received a text informing me that it was on this weekend. I am a hopeless romantic I guess. I have always loved movies based on true love. One of the first movies I remember watching about love was a Christopher Reeves movie called "Somewhere in Time." The stories are all similar in that a true heart connection exists between souls and the test is whether they follow their hearts or let their fears, society or numerous other pressures get in the way. The other similarity is that hope is always involved. You cannot have love without a spark of hope guiding the way. As with any love in life, whether it be toward another person, a cherished dream, a career or a personal goal, hope lights the horizon and makes the impossible seem possible. In "The Notebook," the main character Noah almost gives up hope but never stops loving her and with that, his hope never fades completely. A client recently told me a story of a child who had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Even with the worse prognosis, the family, friends and community, joined together and gave hope to this child. The child knew that he was going to die, but hope and ultimately love united them all. Hope is a like a prayer, igniting one's truest desires and keeping them alive. What would we have if there was never hope.....despair? "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing"....(author unknown). Hope is always worth the risk, because nothing risked is nothing gained, as the saying goes. People often sit back and take the easy way out, hoping for nothing and risking nothing. The price they pay? Feeling their heart connection. People numb themselves and build barricades of defenses to hide behind. We all know people like that and may all be guilty of it at some time in our lives. Again, the price paid is pain anyway. You either risk pain or feel pain through detachment. Pain can never be avoided but hope offers opportunity and a chance for getting what you want. The journey of hope starts with a reconnection to your heart. The heart knows the way and the mind needs to step aside. The mind is often the barrier, negotiating and warning the heart that it might get hurt. The rationalization is the defense preventing the heart from leading the way. People often close up their hearts after they've been hurt. The heart need to heal, but closing it off and never taking another risk in loving is futile and the only one that ultimately hurts is you. So take a risk, trust your heart and allow hope to blossom. "The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for"...(Allan K. Chalmers).

Undeclared

"The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows"....(Buddha). I was speaking with a college aged client recently and was reminded of the pressure to declare a major in college. I was undeclared and undecided as long as I could be, then finally settled on Liberal Arts. It was the quickest way to get out of college at that point and blended two of my favorite interests, psychology and art. I remember feeling somehow not serious enough when everybody had their majors picked out by sophomore year. Well as time went on, many of those people changed their majors or graduated and went into a line of work completely unrelated from their degree. I know people in their 30's and 40's, and older still majoring in "undeclared" in life. Undecided means you are open to finding a new path and new opportunities. It is pretty daunting to try to figure out what you want to do with your entire life at the age of 21 or so. You are just discovering who you are in your 20's, so your major is really minor, while getting to know who you are is your major. Okay, some people come out of the womb focused on what they want to be when they grow up, but that is far from the norm and they are the exception to the rule. The focus in life should not be the pressure to fulfill some societal rule but to find your calling in life. I am watching many clients at various ages, now going through many changes from marriages falling apart, job losses and every other kind of loss imaginable. People just can't escape who they are, what they created and what they have avoided in their lives. The "going through the motions" kind of life is no longer cutting it. Like my college aged client relating to me the pressure she feels to "have it all figured out," so many others followed the same path. When you are suppose to have it all together, you may be doing it out of expectations rather than truly finding your own way, even when that means your own way appears as if you're lost for awhile. Being lost is not as horrible as it sounds.....it just means you are not pretending to know what you want and are brave enough to not cling to the illusion of security. My advice to that college student, "don't panic, you'll figure it out and don't rush into any decisions to please others." No matter what age you are, it is never too late to figure out who you are and to "major" in yourself. It's not about pleasing parents, spouses, bosses, children and so on. First make peace with yourself, otherwise you end up giving away pieces of who you are with each compromise you make. I know all too well. Over the last 19 years (and perhaps my entire life), I slowly gave away a piece of who I was to please others and several months ago, decided to take it back. It was a lesson born out of years of introspection. I am no longer willing to sacrifice who I am for anybody anymore. I majored in me....and finally figured out who I am. I counsel people all the time that tell me similar stories, saying things like "I lost who I was" or "I let important parts of myself go to make a relationship or career function." The price is just too high. "Only those who truly love and who are truly strong can sustain their lives as a dream. You dwell in your own enchantment. Life throws stones at you, but your love and your dream change those stones into the flowers of discovery. Even if you lose, or are defeated by things, your triumph will always be exemplary. And if no one knows it, then there are places that do. People like you enrich the dreams of the worlds, and it is dreams that create history. People like you are unknowing transformers of things, protected by your own fairy-tale, by love"...(Ben Okri). Create the life you have always dreamed of and finally declare your major.......you!

Fun in DysFUNction

Now that it is holiday time, I have been reminded that shopping for greeting cards can be painfully difficult. The reason? Greeting cards are often very sappy, sentimental and way over the top or sarcastic and goofy. There seems to be no in between. You end up pouring over absolutely every card and none of them say what you are really feeling. In fact, the cards are kinda depressing because you wonder, are there really families out there that feel this way or are treated this way? When I was younger, I would think my family was the only dysfunctional one out there, because all of the sentimental cards portray the most amazing, nurturing relationships. In fact, that is the point. The cards can be so outrageous in the sentiment, that nobody actually feels that way. What is portrayed in those types of cards is just not real and does not accurately portray how people really feel. My view may be a bit jaded because as a therapist I get to hear first hand the incredible dysfunction happening in many families but if you watch a little reality TV, the news or Dr. Phil, you will see that there is a lot of dysfunction going on out there! The other problem is that people often feel less than loved if they do not receive one of those sappy cards for Valentine's Day, Birthday's etc, and often feel obligated to give them as well. Come on people, a card from Hallmark is not the issue. If not receiving one signifies you are not loved, perhaps there are deeper issues to uncover. People are just continuing to cover up how they are really feeling or buying into store bought versions of reality. I love it when my kids make their own cards for me chock full of misspelled words, sloppy writing and a colorful drawing from them. At least I know that what they write and draw is from the heart. I also buy simple, generic cards which seems better than the ridiculous offerings at the greeting card isles. Most are filled with amazing words of thanks and gratitude for family members either in denial or incredibly needy. I have had clients tell me that they are tortured with the same problem. Some parents of clients have complained that their kids don't appreciate them if the card they receive is not sappy enough! Talk about a guilt trip! I hate the idea of spending $3-$5 dollars for a piece of paper often filled with things you don't mean. I'd prefer sincerity. Yes the generic card may be simple, but at least the words I write, I really mean. Cards for parents say stuff like, "You have always been the light of my life, the jewel that shines, the oar to my boat and always there for me." Or how about this,"You have been by my side every step of the way without ever asking for anything." Hmmm, what if that is just not the case. What if what you'd really like to say is, "I Know you were never there for me...but I love you anyway." Now that's honesty! How about a card saying, "To my Dad and Step-mom" or vice versa, or how about to my mom and mom/dad and dad since there are many same sex parents out there too. Given that many families are blended and by no means traditional, why not offer cards for that huge segment of the population. To be honest, many people have strained relationships with loved ones. You'd still like to get them a card so how about a card saying, "I know we have drifted apart over the years and for what, I'm not even sure, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you - Happy Holiday's." How about, "Our family is less than perfect, but who is, so thanks for doing the best that you could....Happy Mother's Day." A Zen approach would be this, "Everything happens for a reason and I've grown tremendously through all of the dysfunction our family had to offer....thanks for the lessons and Happy Holiday's." What about for strained marriages, anniversary's can be equally torturous trying to find the perfect card. How about instead of "I could not imagine my life without you" in a sappy card, "We were meant to learn from one another and for that, we have grown tremendously....Happy Anniversary." Here is a sample of a card I read at the store today, "Loving wishes from Grandma and Grandpa, There's nothing on earth more precious than children and grandchildren who fill life with love all the year through...with each Christmas, you grow more wonderful and with each year that passes, you're loved more than ever." Well, the grandparents I have come across often feel their grandchildren are too loud, misbehave and struggle even staying in the same house for a weekend without making a negative comment. One client told me her parents hightail it out of town to the Bahamas from Halloween until April and never spend the holidays with her children. Leaving town sure sends a clear message from those grandparents. I think I'd keel over if I ever received that card or I'd laugh. Even the most doting of grandparents might even find the sentiment of that card a bit over the top. Now some of the joke one's are painful too. They often poke fun at genders and roles. Of course the dad ones always have fart jokes and poking fun at men needing the television remote, naps or both. The mom cards poke fun at women running everything in the house and still pokes fun at the expense of men being lazy, stupid or both. To be fair, sometimes a funny card can be good and not be crass or degrading. Almost all of the cards seem to reflect our societies difficulty at being honest and expressing how they really feel. Hey you may still want to write a poem to a loved one, then write one yourself. Unfortunately, that is the only option because all of us are stuck with the endless amounts of sappy or sarcastic cards that the stores can offer. I wish there was a line of dysFUNctional greeting cards that were humorous, yet real. So this Holiday season, I will keep it simple and I will always include a real sentence or two of my own, tacked onto the plainest card I can find. Have fun shopping for your cards this holiday season!

Self Acceptance

"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy"...(Wayne Dyer). Looking back over my life, I can see clearly the patterns of who I am and who I have always been. I struggled accepting myself for many years, but now embrace who I am completely. I know my strengths and I'm well aware of my weaknesses and things about myself I've either accepted or am working on improving. In 3rd grade I ran for class office and my slogan was, "Denise for peace." That was very fitting and still suits me today. I didn't win the election but it taught me that you win some and you lose some. I'm very glad that I had the courage to at least try. During my elementary school years I tutored younger kids in math, which demonstrated that my helping other people skills were present, even at a young age. The math however, quite ironic, since I am always behind on my billing. I was always a loyal friend as early as Kindergarten. I enjoy my friendships and love staying in touch and in contact with friends. That has never changed. What has changed is my ability to set boundaries and let people go who are not in my best interest. The me of not so long ago gave people a million chances. I believed loyalty meant you allow people to treat you badly because the healer in me wanted to see the best in everyone. I was blinded by my loyalty and I allowed people to hurt me further after I saw warning sign after warning sign and I allowed them to stay in my life. That is a direct reflection of what I learned in my childhood, since issues and emotions were never dealt with directly, they were just ignored and brushed under the carpet. I learned to ignore bad behaviors and hope that those behaviors would disappear and that people would change. The stuff I had been ignoring piled up under that carpet until I was tripping over that bump daily and I could no longer ignore it. I had a lot of cleaning to do, dealing with the mess of emotions I had swept away and I had further work, setting boundaries with people in my life. Think of it like guidelines. If you opened your own store, would you just open your doors without business hours, policies, having a business plan? You certainly wouldn't open your store and say do whatever you want in my store, pay whatever you feel like paying and you wouldn't let your employees show up and leave at will. We as people need a set of guidelines to live by. Things we allow and don't allow. Of course some flexibility is key and we can define our boundaries but that doesn't mean you step all over someone else's boundaries either. It should be about respect. I respect others and If others demonstrate a lack of respect for me, I limit their role in my life or I let them go completely. That is how I am different today and now I do let people go. That has been a tough lesson, yet a very healing one for me. Dedication to things I am passionate about was present in my childhood. In high school I was in a team of Mat Warmers, kinda like cheerleaders for the wrestlers and I was voted most dedicated. That still fits me today since I am a very dedicated person to anything and anyone important to me. As a Mat Warmer I helped out in a pinch, never missed a match and took my role quite seriously. By the way, how the heck did they get away however with calling us Mat Warmers? (LOL) A little derogatory wouldn't you say? Why didn't they just call us "cater to the males on the wrestling team, serve them, cheer for them and bring them snack girls." I guess it was early training in taking care of men. I have since learned that my High School did change their names to Wrestlerette's. I was also pretty shy yet outgoing through all of my school years. I know that sounds like an anomaly, but I am shy by nature, yet I learned to push myself to be more social and outgoing. In high school I took everything in and revealed very little. Someone said something interesting to me recently, that nobody knew me in high school. Upon reflection that makes sense. Also some foretelling of my future as a therapist. Become good at observing everyone else and appear to be a blank slate. Now however the shy part has faded and the extroverted part is getting stronger. Obviously the reveal very little has shifted as well, since writing often requires that art imitates life. I have definitely learned to allow myself to be more open and vulnerable versus guarded and shy. I have always loved taking photos. Digital technology certainly has made that hobby so much easier. Interesting to note that I also loved creative writing as early as I could write and I loved art, but was too insecure at the time to explore art further. Yet now, I teach art as a parent volunteer in the elementary school and I paint my own drums. I was also very clever as a child to avoid getting into trouble, which is a very useful skill. I knew how to show the adults what they wanted to see, while my baby sister always got into trouble. I would get back at my sister alright but I was just sly about it. Ahhh sibling rivalry - a payback I am living through with my own children. These days however I have learned that letting go and forgiveness works much better and I do allow myself to outwardly rock the boat when I need to advocate for change. I was a Girl Scout as a girl which was a safe haven and a way to feel a part of something when my home life was anything but stellar. Now as an adult, I get to give back by leading my daughters troop, managing the Girl Scout Service Unit and countless of other roles I have taken on to help kids in the community. I see it as paying it forward. I was also in a club for nature lovers in 6th grade. Again, some foreshadowing going on there since nature is heaven sent to me and I hike frequently to stay grounded. I took a vocational test in High School that indicated that I'd do well as an over educated party planner, event coordinator. I was mildly insulted at the time, since being an event coordinator didn't sound serious enough as a career, yet here I am....an over educated Camp Director and Event Director as a part of my volunteer, side career roles and I absolutely love it. I guess it all comes full circle. Looking back I can also see where I felt very misunderstood, struggled with other peoples judgements and grappled with wanting acceptance. Those were further lessons in self acceptance. It is an important lesson for all, that often you cannot change people's judgements or perceptions because their judgements are mirrors of their own issues. As the saying goes, you cannot please anyone except yourself. Our past mirrors are our lessons and helps us to learn who we are, one reflection at a time. Embrace your gifts, strengths and your temperament as well as the challenges and things to still learn, for it makes us who we are. Self worth is merely a step in self acceptance, so know who you are and affirm your own value. "We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us"...(Virginia Satir).

Seize the Day

The energy that motivates us into action can often be building for quite some time. At some particular moment however, the energy shifts into high gear and we have an opportunity to seize the moment and act. Carpe Diem is a statement made famous from the movie, The Dead Poet's Society. I cannot help but pay honor to the great comedian, Robin Williams. In that movie and in his life, he lived grandly and spread laughter and light to the world around him. His light will still shine brightly through his movies and from our memories of him. Carpe Diem is translated from Latin as 'seize the day'. It is a profound statement of declaring the moment as the only one that counts and it's about taking a leap of faith. We only have one life to live, so what do we have to lose by seizing the moment. I seized the moment when I wrote my first blog article. I had an intuitive moment, listened to my gut and followed through. When I was living in CA and my sister who was living in NYC said her roommate was moving out....I seized the moment and without much thought said, "I'll move to NYC and live with you." I also seized the moment when my gut told me to move back to California. There are so many moments that I can point to that I leaped with faith instead of stalling in fear. Our reality is whatever we make it! I am trying to teach my kids about being in the moment and taking chances. Life can be pretty boring if you spend it playing it safe. Here are some fun quotes about Carpe Diem. "Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think"....(Chinese Proverb). "Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right"...(H.H. "Breaker" Morant). "Go for it now. The future is promised to no one"...(Wayne Dyer). "Every man dies. Not every man really lives"....(Braveheart). "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive"...(Elbert Hubbard). "As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do"...(Zachary Scott). What moments have you had in your life when you really seized the moment? What are your dreams, the ones that make you want to seize the moment? Would you seize the moment or talk yourself out of it? Just some important questions to ask yourself. Each day is a fresh start and another chance. Carpe Diem...seize the moment and make it happen. Trust life, trust your gut and follow your heart and leap into the unknown. We all know stories of people who play it safe. How many of our parents, friends and family do we all have that live life in a very predictable way, never taking chances. Many people talk themselves out of their dreams, their intuition and their heartfelt desires. They tell themselves that "It's crazy, it can never happen, or it would never work." Let the universe work out the logistics....if you think it, feel it then dream it, the universe will conspire to make it happen. Honor yourself to take the leap to seize the day. Life is full of opportunity, believe in yourself and the rest will work itself out. So "Carpe Diem" I say loudly as we soon head into the holiday's. Make every day the best day ever by finally being true to yourself in every way possible! "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever"....(Mahatma Gandhi).

Saying Good-bye

"The story of life is quicker then the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello, goodbye"...(Jimi Hendrix). "Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos"...
(Snoopy-Peanuts cartoons). Five years ago, when I first told my son that we would probably move back to California, he cried. He cried for about a half hour or so, telling me how sad he felt to leave his school and his friends. He said he'd miss Connecticut and tried a little bargaining, asking if we could stay two more years. Finally, he surrendered and said he was sad but started asking questions about where we'd move, his new school, etc. As days and weeks passed, he told people about the move and talked about things that he was looking forward to. Flash forward five years....now he is adjusted to California and he is thankful that we live here now. Saying good-bye can often feel overwhelming with mixed emotions because you are dealing with change and loss. However, if only you could look into the future to see all of the wonderful things that you can bring into your life by allowing changes to occur. Okay, now I need to take the therapist hat off and speak from the heart about good-byes. I suck at them! Yeah, I can talk the talk, but walking the walk is an entirely different story. Many people have a difficult time with this issue as well. Hey it's a lot easier to handle a good-bye if you are numb, run away, avoid it or get angry at the person. I know first hand. I have had many good-byes since my birth. During my childhood, I just learned to numb through them, probably appearing on the outside that I was so strong and handling things well. Yep, I was good at looking strong on the outside, yet crumbling on the inside. The biggest transition of my life was 24 years ago when I made that move from California to NYC. I would not allow myself to feel the enormity of the move. There was one very special person to me that I could not bring myself to say good-bye to, yet I was very confused and sad that he would not say good-bye to me. That was the pot calling the kettle black, so to speak! I was more insecure then, so my pride kept me from reaching out. It also taught me a valuable lesson, that you should not judge how people handle loss. My assumption back then, "well he must not care about me at all." That could not be more false and reflected how my own pain blurred my vision on this issue. So many years later, I can see things more clearly and I know all too well that there are always two sides of the story. Besides, the more we avoid a good-bye the more we care! I have struggled with good-bye's. I could not not say good-bye to my own therapist, many years ago. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had three months to live. I said good-bye and thank you to him on the phone, but was too overwhelmed by emotions to go see him in person to say good-bye. I regret that action now. I knew I would have been a mess though and should have gone anyway. He had been more than a therapist to me, he had also been a mentor and helped coach me through grad school. He allowed me the space to process saying good-bye in the only way I could handle at the time and I thank his spirit occasionally for that. He taught me well though, guiding me through my own maze of emotions. I will be forever grateful to him! Now that I am coasting after so many changes over the past five years, my kids and I and I can reflect about the strength we now have as we have have all grown so much from starting all over. Through all of the changes, I allowed myself the room to feel it fully. My son reminded me of the power of just feeling sad, yet looking at the things to look forward to. I guess I taught him well....but the teacher can also learn from the student. I am a pro at guiding everyone through losses but still have so much to learn myself. Often we just avoid good-byes because we don't want to face our feelings that go with it. Change is inevitable but losses teach every one of us that the process of life is ever changing. Sometimes we have the power to stop it and other times we simply do not. However the good-bye is presented to you be aware of how you handle it. Reflect on past good-byes because you too may have run away instead of really facing how you were feeling. My move 24 years ago as well as my many years as a therapist dealing with losses have taught me to express myself better, not judge others in how they handle their good-byes and to hopefully navigate myself and my children through the various layers of emotions in saying good-bye. "Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it"....(Trey Parker).

Are We Having Fun Yet?

The journey of life is full of lessons, many of which are difficult, but the reward....the lesson of laughter and fun. What would it all be for if we couldn't have fun! I love comedians because they can make the most stressful things sound funny. Perhaps, even when we are bogged down by life's stresses, we could just pretend for a moment that all of the craziness is great material for a stand up comic, we could benefit from seeing the humor in all of it sometimes. When my oldest, now fourteen was three, I asked him what he liked about being here. His answer was simple, "I like all the stuff." He still loves the toys...namely games and of course his xBox. My daughter likes being here to play and socialize. The toys never really appealed to her. My youngest is a combination of the two, he likes his toys but equally loves to socialize. We also call him Casanova because he loves to kiss and hug. I'll have to keep a very close eye on him when he reaches adolescence. My kids picked a good mommy this time around, because I am the queen of fun. My girlfriend recently joked that she is going to pick me as her mom in her next life. I love to take the kids on weekend trips (time permitting), basketball, outings like bowling, mini-golfing and the movies. Sometimes fun does not have to cost a lot of money. We absolutely love to play card games like hearts. As soon as my kids could hold the cards, they were at the table playing with us. Baking cookies is fun, the cost is minimal and of course the end result is yummy. Dancing around the living room is fun and helps the kids sleep better at night. Music is just lots of fun anyway, whether it's dancing incognito around the house, out at a club or going to a concert. Backyard camp outs are free and lots of fun. Yeah, my back kinda aches after sleeping in the fort, but it's worth it. My girlfriend has lots of fun playing catch with her kids. I look on Facebook and lots of people look like they are having fun. I notice that sports are a big past time for many and has now taken center stage in my life since all three of my kids play sports now. I grew up in a household of all girls, so sporting events never made my list of fun things to do, but I am adjusting and I love it actually. I also notice on Facebook that many others are traveling to cool places, having fun with their kids and family and some are even sky diving. All of those things sound like lots of fun. I enjoyed the movie Yes Man, because a formerly "poor me" guy turns into a social maniac, when he begins to say yes to life and starts having fun. Life is about so many things, but without fun, it can get pretty boring and monotonous. Going with the flow can be fun, when you allow fun to be with any opportunity, especially when it is something unexpected. Why can't we have fun everyday? Who says that we have to be serious all of the time? We can even have fun while getting things done. My kids have had water fights while cleaning and they laugh the whole time. I notice too many people so serious all the time. A mom at the pediatricians office was chastising her son for having too much fun. He was just making quiet noises, while he was playing with the train set. I've counseled many individuals who told me how they were yelled at as kids for playing too loudly, laughing too much or getting too excited. No wonder so many people are afraid to have fun. They were conditioned to be quiet, be serious and stop being so childish. Oh come on.....let's all be a little childish! People give themselves permission to have fun at Disneyland or on vacation, although I've seen serious people at Disneyland too but yes, Disney seems to lighten up even the most hardened souls. My motto, have fun as often as possible, not only at Disney. Life is an adventure, full of ups and downs, so never ever forget, to have lots of fun along the way! "In between goals is a thing called life that has to be lived and enjoyed"...(Sid Caesar).

Love is...

In college, I was in a sorority and we always recited this passage from the bible: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"....(1 Corinthians 13:4-7). What a beautiful passage! I did not grow up religious. In fact since my mom is agnostic, we got to enjoy a potluck of religions, joining our friends at whatever church they belonged. In that way, I grew up exposed to a lot of different religions. I guess it was one less pressure I had in my life and it taught me various beliefs and ceremonies associated with each religion. One church gave the kids candy, so I liked that religion for awhile. Without a religion however, I was on my own to find spirituality. In college when I would recite "Love is patient," I could not even begin to understand the depth of those words. Maybe I was too young to get it, perhaps it was because I was not yet spiritual, or maybe it was because I was still undeveloped emotionally, but that deeply moving passage from the Bible were just words at the time. Now as I contemplate life and love, those words from "Love is patient".....say it all. Everybody says,"I love you".....but do they really mean them? It's sort of the like the greeting card issue, when people send excessively sappy cards, but don't mean a word that is printed inside of them. I watch couples in therapy say "I love you," but then disclose awful behaviors they have done to each other. I counseled a man yesterday who professed his love to his spouse, yet throughout their marriage acted in very disrespectful ways. Is that love? That's not love. In fact, people who control and manipulate aren't being loving, they use people's love to get what they want. The passage from the bible, "Love is patient"....is one of the most popular for wedding ceremonies. We'd have a better success rate for marriages if people really felt the words in the passage and then lived by them. Certainly marriage and relationships are complicated, yet love is so simple. Of course, if people acted in loving ways to their children, then those children would have a much better chance of growing up and being able to have loving relationships as adults. Loving behavior can heal generations! It all starts with one soul willing to change the pattern. Okay I sound like a therapist, but as a therapist I get to bear witness to all of the hurt, pain and wounds caused by unloving behaviors. This goes back to my mantra, it all starts with you. I found an additional passage while researching, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love"....(1 John 4:18). Think about those passages, reciting them to yourself first. Wouldn't it be great to be patient and kind to yourself? It would be equally wonderful to not put yourself down or keep a running tally of your mistakes. It would be healing for individuals to have hope, to be authentic and then the courage to not fear and to pass all of that love onto others as well. Call me idealistic, but it can happen, one individual at a time. So as I write this blog and read the words again and again, "Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy".....the meaning moves me profoundly and I know that I have grown tremendously from my college days. I found spirituality in a life without religious structure and I rediscovered a passage from the bible that are words to live by. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love".....(1 Corinthians 13:13).

Mind and Body

"Every human being is the author of his own health or disease"...(Buddha). I always find that the journey of illness and health is a lesson of taking care of oneself, emotionally and physically. I watch so many people denying one owns health and the importance of focusing time and energy to stay healthy. I too have been guilty of working and staying busy, even when my body is trying to tell me to slow down. We all have so much to do that we deny the messages of our intuition, indicating that more rest may be needed. It seems that it is only when the symptoms are undeniable that people succumb to listening to their bodies, but often the symptoms are so severe at that point and may have manifested into major illnesses or disease. How many people have neglected early warning signs and ended up with migraine headaches, back problems, flu and infections all worsened by pushing through symptoms instead of slowing down earlier. I see it all of the time.....adults absolutely neglecting themselves. Many do not go to the doctor, but would have their child there at the first sign of a symptom. Many people go to work sick, even with fevers, chills and extreme pain, when they would have kept their children home for milder symptoms. I have done it myself, tried to will myself into health. Okay, there is positive thinking and there is denial. Once the symptoms kick in, rest and positive thinking are required. Symptoms are your bodies way of saying, "Hey, we are under attack and need some rest to get through this." I have gotten much better at listening and respecting the messages my body tells me. I come across so many people who look exhausted, exhibiting clear signs of illness as they say, "hey, I have no time to get sick." Well, the body will get your attention, one way or another. Clearly at that point, the more you ignore the symptoms, the more likely it is that you will be hit harder. I have also counseled many individuals who have used illnesses to get attention. In those cases, their underlying emotional insecurities prevented them from getting healthy. Either way, whether people are using illnesses to fulfill needs or neglecting themselves, either way their emotions drastically affect their approach to health and wellness. Bernie Siegel MD, revolutionized the idea that your thoughts and feelings affect your bodies ability to respond to cancer and treatments in his book, Love, Medicine and Miracles. In the book by Caroline Myss and Dr. Norman Shealy, The Creation of Health, they reflect on the deep connection between emotional dysfunction and physical illness. The book describes the role that emotional disturbances play in the most common diseases and ailments, from influenza, the common cold, and arthritis to diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. The mind-body connection is more of a mainstreamed concept these days and the holistic alternative healing arena is now a billion dollar industry. Commonly cited examples of alternative medicine include naturopathy, chiropractic, herbalism, traditional Chinese medicine, Ayurveda, Reiki, meditation, yoga, biofeedback, hypnosis, homeopathy, acupuncture, and diet-based therapies, in addition to a range of other practices. The root idea to alternative medicine is that the body displays symptoms rooted in emotional and physical dysfunction. One cannot be addressed without looking at the other as the mind and body are one, affecting each other, not separate from one another. We all know that pain, injury and illness certainly affect our emotions and concurrently, our thoughts and feelings affect our physical health. We need the sun to stay warm, grow food and to give us power and we need a healthy mind to shine brightly, feeding our bodies healthy habits, positive thoughts and increased energy to be in the best health possible. So with that said, take care of your emotional health as well as your physical health. As for me, I have learned to slow down and I do rest when my body feels tired. When symptoms start to appear, get some rest, see a doctor or research alternative options. Overall, preventative care is always the best approach by eating well, exercising, taking care of your emotional wellness, relaxation, and a good laugh. The journey to optimal health is in your hands......are you taking good care of yourself?

Nobody's Perfect

When I was younger, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. Hey, didn't we all? I certainly remember that most of my peers were trying to impress and were very insecure, so I know that I was not alone. Some still are trying to be perfect, chasing the impossible or judging others because it takes pressure off oneself, noticing everyone else's flaws. With wisdom has come much clarity and acceptance that perfection is an illusion. What a relief to not have to be perfect!!! Whew!! Here are some truths about me. I teach a class called "Clear Your Clutter" yet my desk, car and garage have been known to be cluttered. In fact right this minute, my walk-in closet is a mess! The upside of a cluttered trunk in my mini-van is that I always have my hiking shoes and backpack ready for a spontaneous hike and can find a sweatshirt for the kids in a pinch. I do get to my breaking point though and then I clean my car and it looks like new again. That feels soooo good! I have incredible patience, but.....after my three kids have been screaming and fighting incessantly, I can even lose it once in awhile. They are getting older, so the fighting is calming down quite a bit. I am always behind on my paperwork and billing. I somehow manage to juggle what seems like a million things and once in awhile, something gets missed. We have missed several homework assignments, because I did not look thoroughly through the endless paperwork that comes home in the kids backpacks. Thank you cards for kids birthday parties may or may not get out. I did streamline that one and started handing out thank you cards AT the party as the kids and parents were leaving. Some parents praised me on that idea and said they are going to start using that little trick too. I have to congratulate myself though, because I manage to get a heck of a lot done, compared to what little actually gets missed. I'm amazed at how much I juggle actually, so I'm very proud of myself for that talent. Not being perfect has its perks. If you focus on what you are getting done, rather than feeling terrible about what you forgot....you end up feeling pretty good at the end of the day. My kids know that I am not perfect and I don't expect them to be. If they spill their juice, they clean it up because it's no big deal. They work on being responsible, but they are realistic as are we, about what that entails. My son knows that he should give his work his all...but some days, his all may be 50 percent capacity. Isn't that true for all of us. I have my stellar, full of energy days where I feel like I have had 20 cups of coffee and accomplish so much. Other days, I can barely manage to get through the day with getting one to two things done. Our energy levels peak and wane, so relaxing on the perfection issue can be one less pressure. I just can't keep up with the whole, perfect mom syndrome. I watch moms compete for the best dressed or brightest children contest. I refuse to compete.....way too much pressure for the kids and just plain illusion for the parents. I also watch dads compete for the most athletic son, screaming at their kids from the sidelines of youth sporting events. You'd think we were playing for a National Title sometimes, the way the parents are yelling. I am proud of my now 11 year old daughter with her quirky and cute style of clothing, mixing budding femininity with tomboy sensibility. She does comb her hair more often these days but she still has a style that is all her own. Even when she was the only 6 year old girl at birthday parties that wore boys swim trunks and a swim shirt. What the heck, I've gotta let her be herself! When my youngest use to begs to wear his PJ's to school, we would strike a deal and he wore his Spiderman jammie shirt with his jeans. He's in fourth grade now, so his jammie to school days are over. He would never beg to wear jammie's now unless it's jammie day at school. On a good day, you might catch me with a clean car and I look pretty put together. On a crazy day, that's another story. You'll probably see me at Starbucks grabbing a Venti coffee, a little haggard from the morning, running late for yoga. Yep, I'm often running late to relax. I wear a baseball cap almost every day and the other day, when I did my hair (no baseball cap), my son hesitated getting into the car when I went to pick him up from basketball practice because he wasn't sure that it was me! Perfection is the illusion of the ego and a heck of a lot of pressure. Sure, there are times when striving for the best can be very important, like in competitive sports or in your career. It can motivate us to work harder and strive for our goals. I'm always working to improve and better myself. But overall in life and with oneself, perfection is a goal one can never really reach. It is the little secret in life I wish I had been told when I was thirteen. DON'T TRY TO BE PERFECT!!! Enjoy your non-perfection....bask in it and just plain enjoy being you. "The more you like yourself, the less you are like anyone else, which makes you unique"....(Walt Disney).

Just One of Those Days!

Last summer, I took my kids to upstate New York for our annual summer trip east. The Adirondack Mountains in upstate New York are absolutely beautiful. The kids and I enjoy many hikes while we're there although, I must admit that sometimes they'd prefer to hang out at the cabin and watch tv. I have to cheerlead them on every hike and once we are about a half an hour on the trail, they are fine and they get motivated to get to the top. On this one particular day however, it took a lot of cheerleading to get us all to the top. We were all set to hike St. Regis. I woke up with energy, made lunches, cooked breakfast and nothing was going to sway me from my agenda. The kids were less enthused and they grumbled, dragged their feet and made excuses as to why we shouldn't hike that day, along with pointing out that, "It is a bit cloudy out today mom and it's probably going to rain!" "Ahhh, a little rain won't stop us, besides"...I continued, "the trees on the trail protect us and we won't get wet." I sweetened the deal with a bribe to go thru Dunkin Donuts drive thru on the way to the trail and they proceeded at a quicker pace and got into the car with a little more enthusiasm. We got to the trail and although it was cloudy, it wasn't raining. The first 20 minutes was uneventful as we were chatting and enjoying the silence that the forrest offers. In the silence, I started hearing rain drops but the trees were in fact acting like an umbrella and shielding us from getting wet. I happily gloated to the kids that I was right and a little rain wouldn't stop us. My kids did try one more appeal at that point to turn back. "But mom," my daughter explained, "The sky looks pretty dark and I think the rain is getting stronger." "Nah," I said as I smiled, "Nice try..but we are continuing." It wasn't long before I started to notice that the rain was getting stronger and in fact, I was starting to get wet. I was hoping the kids didn't notice and I prayed the rain would let up and prove me right that the rain was just sprinkles. Oh no, the rain wanted to have a good laugh at my expense and next thing I know, a torrential downpour began as if the skies just opened up directly overhead and the tree cover was no match for the strength of the water. My daughter didn't even have to say a word as she just shot me look that said it all! I half laughed as water was dripping from my forehead and I said, "Well, I guess you were right and it is raining!" My 9 year old son then chimed in. "Mom, I thought you said the trees would keep us from getting wet!" In a matter of minutes, we were drenched. We scrambled to put our sweatshirts on because the temperatures were dropping and it was getting cold. I really had to cheerlead at that point and press them to continue on. They whined on and off for the next hour and a half until we reached the base of the peak. At that point they REALLY wanted to turn back. We were soaking wet and shivering and we were now at the hardest part of the hike. This is where my bribes had to get bigger and better. I definitely had to sweeten the deal if I was going to get them to the top of that mountain. Look, I didn't really want to climb that peak either at that point but I wanted us all to push through and complete what we started. I explained to them that just because things get hard doesn't mean we give up. I added that there are many times in life, things will seem impossible but those are the times to press on. I reminded them that it wasn't dangerous, we were just dripping wet and the rain is taunting us is all. "No biggie...we can do this!" They weren't thrilled, nor were they inspired but they took advantage of the moment and called in their bribe requests. Smart kids. We started our uphill climb and the rain was relentless. I have never before experienced that type of rain on a hike. I bet that's why we saw NO other hikers on the trail that day. It was a tough climb in the rain, since the trail was muddy and parts of the trail looked like a waterfall. Our shoes were covered in mud and our socks were soaked through. We pressed on and on. We made jokes, we helped each other up rocks and held each others hands so that we wouldn't slip. We became focused on getting to the top and I must say, it seemed like time was standing still, or moving at molasses speed. It honestly seemed like we'd never reach the top of St. Regis, like the top of the mountain kept getting taller, just as we approached the top. We kept thinking we were almost there..but then no, we weren't. Finally, we got there! Hallelujah!!! We were so tired and so very happy. We collapsed on a wet rock to finally enjoy our lunch. We gobbled up our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as fast as we could and managed to take a few quick pics of us on the top. Due to cloud cover, we couldn't see anything except each other. There was no view to enjoy and in fact, now we had zero tree cover, so the rain had a direct line to us. Usually we stay on the top of peaks a little while but this time, we wanted off that mountain as quickly as possible. We knew we had about a three hour return trip down the mountain and we wanted dry clothes and an ice cream cone (our reward) as soon as possible. The trip down was the best trip down a mountain I've ever had. The kids and I had settled into the fact that we were wet and muddy and we managed to laugh hysterically about it at that point. In fact, we started laughing so hard that we were in tears! My kids said they were glad that I pushed them to the top and little did they know, I had to push myself as well, every step of the way! We talked about school, slid down muddy patches, sang songs and told stories. Once we got to the car, we peeled off our shoes and piled into the car and jacked up the heat! We were exhausted but we felt great. We headed to our favorite ice cream shack and they definitely called in one of their bribes, that they could order any size they wanted. They truly earned it. I'm not exaggerating one bit that they truly are glad that I pushed them to complete that hike. They felt proud of themselves for not giving up. They did understand my point afterwards, that you shouldn't give up just because something gets hard or challenging. I should know better than to give them pearls of wisdom while rain is pounding down over our heads! Hiking St. Regis that day is one of the best and most rewarding hikes we've done so far and I'm very glad that the lessons they learned on that trail will help them throughout their lives. With difficult terrain comes profound wisdom.

Soulmate

I rented the movie, The Ugly Truth. I had seen it in the movie theatre originally but I enjoyed it so much that I had to see it it again. The idea in the movie is that the girl wants to attract a guy and a brash, unedited man shows her what men really want. It's pretty funny. In the end, it turns out that they fall in love and they both want someone who loves them just for who they are....with no pretenses or facades. What a great lesson, to attract a partner whom appreciates you for just being yourself and vise versa. That is certainly one type of soulmate connection, based on mutual attraction and caring. There are various lessons involved in any type of relationship. Sometimes the lesson is of security, other times it is romance, passion and love or a combination of some or all of them. Each relationship a person is involved in is a lesson, whether it be a romantic, marriage or even friendship or work related partnerships. The issue with any relationship dynamic is figuring out what those lessons are. Some people will have the lesson of security and learn to take care of or receive care from another. I have seen many couples with the lessons of balancing power. Sometimes, relationships are lessons in becoming more secure with oneself and understanding insecurity through the partner you chose. Often, once you have learned what is optimal for your souls growth, the relationship will break apart or enter a new phase and will undergo many changes to shift the roles and the dynamics. Either way, change is inevitable in any relationship. Profound soul connections come in all forms of relationships such as parent/child, siblings, friendships and business partners as well as romantic attachments. Lessons abound in every single relationship and dynamic. According to Lauren Thibodeau, in her book Natural-Born Soulmates, "No matter how powerful you become in your ability to live in the moment, to surrender attachments, to assess soulmate situations and use your free will and your inner wisdom to create your life, lessons are part of the journey. Learning to embrace those lessons, to see the lessons of passion, potential, purpose, pacing, and problem solving as opportunities to show your best self will also transform those very lessons." Relationships are a wonderful opportunity to experience an array of emotions and play various roles. If you follow your heart, it will lead the way to the soul connections that you can learn the most from. I often have single clients, complain about how long it is taking them to find a soulmate....or any meaningful relationship. There are lessons in being alone as well as the short lived, fleeting relationships. In addition some soul searching may be necessary to be sure that ones own fears are not getting in the way of attracting what you want. If you are in a long term relationship, your lesson may be to not fall into boredom and complacency. All relationships need to be worked on and have some attention paid to them. I have counseled many people actively engaged in affairs. It is always best to energetically end the relationship you are in first....legalities may take some time. Set the needed boundary in your current relationship by stating clearly that the relationship is over, so that no further confusion or misunderstandings occur. More damage always seems to occur when couples are not honest with each other about the state of their relationship and they go through the pretenses instead of being clear with one another. The difficulty comes when couples break apart. It is heartbreaking to watch couples disintegrate. No wonder couples often create drama and display anger. It is very sad and difficult to walk away from unions, so people do it in messy ways. But, overall sometimes relationships need to end, because it is in the best interest for the growth of the individuals. You should not consider yourself a failure if a relationship ends. Often it takes several relationships to learn the important lessons in your life. Guilt and blame are not useful.....the ego holds court and blames either yourself or the other. As for the continued search for romantic soul connections.....lots and lots of patience. Anything in life truly worthy is worth waiting for. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye"...(Antoine de Saint-Exupery). As usual, my conclusion when it comes to relationships........learn from the journey and follow your heart, it always knows the way. What are the next lessons you need to learn in your next relationship or the one you are currently in?

Awakening

Heading into the unknown can bring about a spiritual and emotional crisis called the dark night of the soul. "Dark Night of the Soul is the title of a poem written by 16th century Spanish poet and Roman Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross. The expression has since become a metaphor used to describe a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation. It is referenced by spiritual traditions throughout the world, but in particular by Christianity"...(Wikipedia). The crisis is really about letting go of the ego and trusting your heart. When you listen to your soul you let go of the ego controlling, ego centered existence. The battle between the ego and the true self is the dark night of the soul. It can lead some into a phase of feeling lost, disconnected and wandering. The dark night of the soul is considered to be a blessing in disguise. Only with feeling completely lost, can you let go of everything you were clinging to for dear life. The spiritual journey of awakening often requires a shifting of old roles, self perceptions and outdated behaviors. The phase can last hours, days, weeks, months or years. It depends on how much the ego is still tying to fight for control. The battle eventually resolves and the individual emerges more alert, aware and in touch with higher consciousness. The journey for humanity at this very important time is to awaken. "One may not reach the dawn save by the path of the night"...(Kahlil Gibran). Perhaps the world is going through the dark night of the soul of sorts. With 2012 behind us, the new energy now is urging all of humanity to become more aware. Awakening is about heading into uncharted territory. As Eckhart Tolle writes in A New Earth, "When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change....If uncertainty is unacceptable to you it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness, and creativity." People in the dark night of the soul might label themselves as depressed. It just may be however, that life has urged or forced you in a new direction and you are fighting the inevitable. Remember the ego wants comfortable, status quo and the old order even if those things were no longer optimal for the growth of your consciousness. When life throws you on a new path by losing your job, your spouse leaving you, or any other changes....you are being urged to release the ego and resist fighting for control. You may even be the one making the decisions to quit your job, end a relationship or move to a new location.....by following your heart you trust the higher purpose of your journey. Truly trusting that each lesson is what is best for your souls growth is about honoring whatever is happening in your life right now. Being in the moment is the lesson and becoming aware of your true self underneath the ego's desire for control. I know that in my own life, I have cycled in and out of the dark night of the soul over the past several years. It forced me to reassess my life on all levels and I emerged with numerous answers and increased clarity. The clarity also meant that I had to make many changes. No wonder my own ego fought for awhile, trying to preserve a sense of security. "On life's journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life nothing can destroy him; If he has conquered greed nothing can limit his freedom"....(Buddha). Do not fear if change is upon you and you have entered the dark night of the soul. It is the opportunity to emerge strengthened, with increased hope and a new direction. The new path can bring unlimited possibilities and with your true self leading the way, a sense of purpose unfolds. If awakening is upon you, then change is inevitable and some of the battles with the ego self are bound to happen......so be in the moment and know that each and every moment is a lesson in awakening. "The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation"...(Joseph Campbell).