I Am Me

The journey of insight and awareness is about understanding ourselves more deeply and profoundly. I watch people hide parts of themselves for years until the surface cracks open and their true selves can no longer hide. It is a spectacular sight to watch people come into their own and begin to embrace their true selves. Not unusually, others around them are uneasy by the changes, because others hide their true selves too and cannot believe that you would dare to break out and not allow others opinions to hinder you any longer. I see this frequently in rigid family systems. When an adult child dares to divorce for instance, the families close ranks and blame the person daring to change. It is often difficult for the alienated person, but with continued growth, strength and courage, they do not allow the family system to push them back into their old roles. With all of the issues my family system has, they were actually very supportive about my growth and the decision to divorce. I guess that's where I am fortunate that there has been so much divorce in my family. When I told my mom about divorcing, she said...."Well, I'm not one to talk about divorces, so know that we are here for you no matter what." Others have a harder journey on that front. Many get blasted with judgements and blame from parents, in-laws, friends, co-workers and even strangers. Again, people judge what scares them or what they have been led to believe through their own upbringing. It goes back to gaining strength however, from adversity and challenges. The journey of "I am me" is about digging deeper to who you are and not allowing others to dictate or control your journey any longer. The journey of "I am" has been unfolding with great strength this past year for me. Now, I sit in a practically empty house, since my belongings are on route to California. I've been saying good-bye to friends and finalizing the move. This past year has been the worse year and the best year of my life. What an interesting reflection, that sometimes the most difficult times are also freeing and wonderful. Last December, it felt like I would never reach this moment in time, yet here I am! I not only survived, but I feel better than ever. So who am I now? I am earth mother. I nurture myself and three young spectacular souls who are growing, learning and experiencing life, adventures and figuring out who they are. I am a warrior. I stand up for myself and protect what I know is right. I am love. I illuminate the strength of my heart by feeling, expressing and sharing the love that I feel. I am wind. I head in new directions and allow my heart to guide me. I am water. I go with the flow, am unyielding when necessary and still and reflective, to listen to the guidance springing forth from within. My journey takes on new sights, people and terrain soon, but I will always be willing to blossom new facets of myself as I experience new things along the way. Never stop growing, otherwise....you just remain stagnant. “I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay"...(Virginia Satir).

Strong in the Broken Places

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"....(Ernest Hemingway). Recently, a client made the huge decision to finally end his 16 year marriage. He has been thinking about this for years. He described his marriage as an arrangement, "two people living as roommates for years." The reasons that brought them together have faded and as time marched on, they grew further and further apart. They lived separate lives, both had affairs and whenever they attempted to broach the subject of their failing marriage, defenses would kick in and one or the other would rush in to establish the old order. The message, "We may be miserable but don't rock the boat." Many people live like this in their lives, whether it be in relationships of all kinds or jobs they loathe. This mentality does not only apply to marriages. People fear change, above almost anything else! In addition, for some reason, people feel they deserve suffering. Some stay suffering out of pride, others out of deeply rooted fears. Either way, you are failing yourself if you refuse to address the suffering. Once you acknowledge the pain, then you can take the steps to find a solution. Again though, often people are terrified if the solution means major changes. Major changes are necessary and help us grow. Sure stability and security are nice things too but not at the price of your integrity. My client was feeling mixed emotions about the separation. Although he'd be the first to admit openly that he was not in love with his wife, he was terrified about finances, custody, and how his spouse would handle the separation. As expected, she reacted with rage because he had dared to change the rules on her. I complimented him, saying that it took great strength to finally admit the marriage was over. He looked surprised, saying "I don't feel very strong right now, I feel like an emotional mess." That's the beauty of it, when you feel at your absolute weakest, you are actually the strongest you've been in a long time. It does not take strength to live double lives, having affairs and denying reality. That's avoidance. It takes incredible strength to face your deepest fears, your perceptions and finally own how you feel once and for all and then do something about it. My client looked relieved to hear that underneath his fears, worries and doubts was incredible strength bubbling forth. We are all strong in the places in our souls that have endured pain and suffering. It is through the pain we recognize our truths and find the strength to change our lives. We learn to turn that pain into resilency, optomism and courage. Sure, it takes time for the broken places to get stronger. It just takes time, if you just trust the process, nurturing hope and dreams of a new future. The wounds remain but the newfound strengths are your reward. “Time discovers truth"....(Seneca). “We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams"...(Jeremy Irons).

Beacons of Light

Thanksgiving is not the only time of year that we can give thanks. Sometimes it can be more meaningful when we do it randomly and from a place of deeply felt gratitude. I just came across something I wrote several years ago. It seems fitting that it be included in my blog.

Any time of year can be an important time to remember and acknowledge those people who have inspired and guided us throughout our lives. I want to take this time to acknowledge three people who were beacons of light during very dark times throughout my childhood into young adulthood. I grew up in Southern California in Los Angeles County. I grew up without a sense of community or family. I was a lost little girl looking for a sense of belonging. My parents divorced right after my birth. My mom remarried an alcoholic man who would disappear for days. My biological father seemed more like a myth than a reality, since I rarely saw him and he moved out of the country for almost half of my childhood. Most of my relatives lived out of state and I was lucky to see them once a year. I often had daydreams about being adopted. I secretly hoped that someone out there would would think that I was special and amazing, since my parents didn't seem to think so. I prayed and prayed many nights to be adopted by people who thought the world of me. It just didn't make sense to me as a child, how the two people who had brought me into the world didn't seem too happy that I was here. "I didn't ask to be born," I use to say to myself as I was crying myself to sleep at night. The first person I have to thank is my Grandpa Bunny (Bernard was his real name). He married my grandmother after my biological grandfather passed away when I was three years old. I never knew that he was not my biological grandfather in the way he treated me. I only saw him once a year, yet in that amount of time, he made me feel like the center of the universe. He played with me...asked me questions and always told me how special I was. I absolutely adored him. He passed away when I was 18. Even though I am sad that we did not have a lot of time together on this earth, the impact he made on my life is profound and I am grateful to have known him at all. The second person I have to thank is my Aunt Joyce. She married into the family and was a safe haven throughout those lonely years growing up. She was the one relative who lived nearby and she always greeted me with a smile. She had us over many summer days to play in her pool or to spend the night. I didn't fully realize the impact she had on my life until I became an adult. She was a terrific role model who gave unselfishly of her time and energy. She too made me feel that I mattered to someone. The third person I have to thank was a stranger. All of my childhood pain finally caught up to me in my twenties and I went for counseling. The therapist, I'll call him Dr. Z, taught me to value myself and to find my voice. I paid him what I could, when I could, but he taught me that there is no money value to finding happiness. He too was generous of his time. He was a mentor and a guide and ultimately I followed in his footsteps and became a therapist. He too passed away several years ago but I will always be forever grateful for having known him. Thank you Dr. Z!! My story is a lesson that all of us have the potential to be a beacon of light to someone. The three people who inspired me the most were not blood relatives. We can all reach out to someone in our lives....a child or an adult and make them feel appreciated. Now that I have children of my own, I don't let a single day go by without telling or showing them how valued and loved they are. We can all get so caught up in busy schedules and stress to forget that a simple smile of acknowledgement, a thank you, an apology, goes a long way to make someone feel valued. Think back to your childhood and remember those people who were beacons of light for you. It may have been your parents, a teacher, a neighbor or a friend. Reach out to those people around you now who make your life a little brighter or easier. Don't forget to reach out to offer comfort and solace to those who may be suffering. Even if you do not know what to say, just letting them know that they are in your thoughts can be supportive. Remember what life should really be about. It should not be about who drives the nicest car, who has money and who keeps up the best facade. After counseling so many people from all walks of life, those with the most are often hiding the most pain and secrets. Life should be about compassion, love and honoring each other. Now, as I embark on some major life changes, my words of gratitude above are fitting and timely. I now take the time every chance I get to thank all of the people who have helped me along the way (you all know who you are). I am deeply grateful for this life and have to send huge appreciation to myself for ultimately listening to the voice within and following my heart. "Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls"...(David Thomas).

I Believe in Love

Love is just a word until someone comes along who breathes life into the word and into your heart and quite suddenly, love has meaning. Matters of the heart are sensitive and unique to each individual. What makes us fall in love with one individual and not another? What is love at its core? Love is so incredibly irrational. It comes from the depth of our souls and no amount of arguing can talk you out of it. It is such a profound soul connection between two people. The difficulty however is managing love in the midst of life, timing, defenses and circumstances. I love the movie, "Love in the Time of Cholera." It depicts how two individuals who clearly love each other, get side tracked by obligations, expectations and life. They are kept from each other until they are in their 60's, when they finally have a chance to be together. It depicts the beauty of love never fading. I also like the song, "Breathe" by Taylor Swift. It describes how she has to walk away from someone she loves and is so upset that she can barely breathe. That's what love does to people, it turns the most composed people into emotional wrecks. This blog is about love because with all of the sorrow and pain that comes with love, we all still go on trying to find it. The pain and sorrow is worth it because it means you opened your heart. Better to have opened your heart than remain closed up in a shell your entire life. Most people stay in their shells, guarded, jaded, making excuses to keep their hearts closed up. Many more stay in loveless marriages, become bitter or give up on themselves and love all together. Love is not a fairy tale like Cinderella but when you feel love for even one second, it is a feeling like no other. Love may begin with a dream, a fantasy or chemistry but it continues with opening your heart, a leap of faith and taking a risk. Often times, people are just too afraid to take that leap of faith. I am counseling several individuals in the center of attempting to make love work and some are in the midst of loss and pain due to loving. One client is incredibly sad at having to say good-bye to someone she loves. She does not regret loving him but is heartbroken that they have to part ways due to his fears. Another couple warm my heart because they clearly adore each other. They are taking the risk to be together but their fears are about trust and in navigating through their defenses. Defenses can be like a mine field for a couple. You have to walk carefully and gently around the mines to understand one another until most of the mines become disarmed. Love takes time and continued patience. The song "I Believe," inspired this entire blog and came from some dreams I had. The lyrics are: "Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand. Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand. Open up your mind and then open up your heart. You will see that you and me, we aren't very far apart. Because, I believe that love is the answer.... I believe that love will find a way." So, even if you are currently shedding tears in the name of love, always believe in it. Pain honors love and means that you were willing to open your heart. It is a tribute to your strength and to the beauty of loving. Love gives meaning to life and when it works and two people are in synch with letting love flow, it is one of life's miracles. “One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter"...(James Earl Jones). “For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul"...(Judy Garland).

A Daughter's Journey

Our journey is ours alone and we must walk our own path. Lessons abound however on our paths and we weave in and out of each others lives to help each other along with what we need to learn. It's so much easier to forgive when we realize that how people treat us, both positively and negatively are lessons. When we take things personally, our ego's are still involved and we lose sight that nothing is ever personal. Most of us have all been conditioned though to react defensively with our ego's in the forefront. With that said, it's no wonder that communication is convoluted with battling ego's instead of compassion and empathy. We are all really trying to just be accepted for who we are but we have to accept ourselves first. This lesson is one I had to learn with my father. With Father's Day right around the corner, it reminds me of the awkwardness I have with my own dad. I've had to embrace the fact that my father will never be who I hoped he would be. The first lesson however was for the little girl in me to stop looking for validation from him. Each time I reached out for him, my hand was slapped, figuratively. He has always been pretty rejecting on every level. I will never fully understand how he has pushed away his two daughters and then blames us for the distance. I love him anyway. I see now how very guarded and wounded he is. I don't condone his behavior, nor will I ever allow his behavior to define me any longer. Again, I still love him. It is not an easy journey to love someone who has not been there for you. I had to do a lot of work on myself to get there. It seemed easier to be angry with him, as I was for so many years, yet it actually kept me stuck and disempowered. As long as I was angry, he still had power over me. I am at peace now. I am not judging anger either. Anger is often a necessary lesson to find your way to forgiveness. I am currently counseling many individuals at various phases of anger with loved ones. Anger is a much misunderstood emotion. It is raw emotion at it's core, full of hurt and even love. I was angry at my father because I never truly felt loved by him. Often we need to get to a place of giving people what we want from them without expecting anything in return. If they are never able to give back what you've given, then you gave them a gift. Yes, boundaries are needed. Some people are just too abusive and toxic to be involved with, so sending love, compassion or forgiveness may be the limit of what you can give them. Here is the ending of poem I wrote back in college about my father, which exeplifies the anger and hurt I was carrying back then: "He is slowly isolating himself on an island of his own, in his desolate little world, he will surely die alone." It is a difficult journey for women, when their fathers are neglectful, absent or distant. Our journey with the opposite sex begins with our parents. For girls, whatever behavior the father displays toward them, sets up a pattern that takes years to undo. I hate to say it but there is some truth to the saying that women marry their fathers. No matter how much you try to avoid it, you repeat old dynamics trying to get what you were missing. Men are not off the hook on that issue either. They too marry some aspect of their mothers. If a girl felt rejected by her father....she unknowingly finds a mate that makes her feel rejected. That's how it works. None of us are immune to that lesson. The great thing is that if life is our university, then with insight and growth, we can transcend old patterns and graduate to the next level. So, my Father's Day tribute is less of a Hallmark card and more of an honest portrayal of my journey with my father. I do have to say Happy Father's Day to my step father Jim and to all of the step dads out there who literally step in and make a positive impact on their step children. To my own dad, I'll be sending a Father's Day blessing as a prayer and my kids can make cards to send him, since he is their grandfather. To all the dad's out there.....have a happy Father's Day! "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection"...(Sigmund Freud). "Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad"...(Anne Geddes). "Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers - and fathering is a very important stage in their development"...(David M. Gottesman).

Walk Away

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing"...(Neil Gaiman). We all have those poignant moments in life, those times that are life defining and change us forever. Those moments are life's biggest lessons and teach us the power of really listening to the voice within. I remember when I was in 7th grade, I had one of those moments. I was pretty shy and certainly not aggressive. One of my friends was being picked on and teased by some girls after school. I was walking by and knew I could just mind my own business, stay out of harms way and walk on by. Even though I was terrified, I had to stand up for her, so I stopped and told the girls to leave her alone. I held my ground, even though I was shaking inside. They harassed me a bit and then got bored I guess and left us alone and walked away. I suppose I was guided by the part of me that wants to stand up for the underdog. Perhaps it's also the underdog part of me that has always been grateful to those who may have stuck their necks out for me. In college I was dating a not so nice guy. He was controlling, cheated on me constantly and was abusive. I was incredibly insecure and unfortunately, just felt grateful that anyone would give me any attention. I put up with his bad behavior for quite awhile. Another defining moment in my life was when I decided to walk away from the abuse and from him. I was on the phone with him on summer break when he started giving me a hard time about something ridiculous, then the thought occurred to me (screaming loudly in my head), "you don't have to take this anymore!" I broke up with him then and there. I was only 20 years old and had already learned the lesson of abuse. It is a terrible dynamic that can happen to people of all ages. I learned a lot in those two years with him about how abuse slowly tears down your self worth, day by day. I had already started out with poor confidence and the emotional and physical abuse just tore down any shred of self esteem I may have had. When I broke up with him, I was able to start to take back my identity and head forward with the strength of knowing that I didn't have to settle for such poor treatment. Those two years educated me more than any text book ever could. I have drawn on that experience throughout my years as a therapist, being able to counsel women and men on how to leave abusive relationships. Another life changing moment was when I decided to board a plane and move from California to New York City. I was walking away from a life I had known and someone I loved, to head into the unknown. It was a bittersweet time in my life but I grew immeasurably. I learned to soar in new directions, to take a huge risk on myself and to start life anew. Now I find myself in another life changing moment as I pack moving boxes and get ready for the big move from the east coast back to California. This move is a lot larger than 20 years ago. Back then, the contents of my life fit snugly in a small storage space. Packing a large house is no small feat. Now with three kids in tow, I have to sign them up for school, get pediatrician records, sort through endless toys and pack countless boxes. In addition, I am ending a 19 year relationship. This time, the ending was not brought on by abuse but from emotional distance. I can relate to Christina Aguilera's song, "Cruz." The lyrics, "I am leaving today, I'm living it, I'm leaving it to change" say it all. Each moment that we choose to take a stance and risk everything to follow our heart, change us profoundly. What moments define your life and have taught you the value of standing your ground and then walking away when necessary? “You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"...(Kenny Rogers). "I will! I am! I can! I will actualize my dream. I will press ahead. I will settle down and see it through. I will solve the problems. I will pay the price. I will never walk away from my dream until I see my dream walk away: Alert! Alive! Achieve!"....(Robert Schuller).

I Still Believe

When I started my blog back in September, I had an idea that some changes were in the air, but wow what a wild ride it's been. This blog is about the journey of love and in navigating oneself through separations, difficulties, losses and many changes. I am on the precipice of some of the biggest changes in my life and although I am a bit nervous, I also feel like a child on Christmas morning, so excited about the gifts life has for me presently and on the horizon. When life offers up some painful lessons in loss and letting go, you can find hidden gems of truth, clarity and transformation. I have honestly been so busy planning this move that I have not had time to write. So here is another one of my favorite articles, I wrote back in the fall which sums up the essence of who I am and what I believe...

I believe love is the answer....because without it, we have nothing to believe in. I believe love always navigates its way back into our hearts if we allow it to. I believe love profoundly affects our lives and changes us forever. I believe that the journey of loving yourself, then trusting enough to share that love is the ultimate life lesson. I believe that life is worth living, sharing and celebrating, each and every day. I believe that things happen for a reason, to remind us that the web of life brings us where we need to be, when we need to be there. I believe we equally orchestrate our fates, by our secret hopes, fears, dreams and wishes. Your wish is your command....so if you think and feel it from the depths of your soul, you can and will manifest it. I believe that compassion is essential and helps us connect to the common thread in humanity, that we are all the same. I believe that children need hugs and kisses every single day! I believe that life is a series of lessons to help us grow and become more enlightened. I believe that lessons in enlightenment come more from daily, apparently mundane matters of living rather than hours upon hours of deep meditation. I believe that letting go is sometimes essential in breaking out and becoming who you are meant to be. I believe that change is a lesson in allowing yourself to transform. I believe that sometimes you have to go very far from where you started, to have some clarity, then weave your way back to embrace that which you ran from. I believe that love will live on, long after we are gone. I believe that nothing is permanent and everything is constantly changing. I believe that fear is an illusion we use to keep us from allowing change, even though the changes occur anyway, with or without our permission. I believe our thoughts create who we are. I believe that a good piece of chocolate (dark is my preference), can soothe the soul. I believe that alone time is essential, to be able to listen to your soul teach you who you are and why you are here. I believe that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I believe in the power of art and music to inspire and remind us that there is magic occurring in each and every moment, if we tune ourselves into it. I believe that nature reflects the simple and glorious beauty of our souls potential. I believe that sharing our journey and the lessons we have learned is another lesson. I believe in Buddha's quote, "He is able who thinks he is able." I believe in the importance of being in the moment and in going with the flow. I believe that love always finds a way....... What do you believe in?

Time To Be Me

"Don't forget to love yourself"...(Soren Kierkegaard). I seem to have attracted a lot of divorcing or recently divorced individuals over the past year or so. It has been amazing watching them grow and come into their own. Some were so upset over their divorces but after some time and with much analysis, many of the individuals realized that they had boxed up parts of who they were to make the relationships work. In the end, they could not please their spouses and all of the sacrificing did not make the relationship last after all. In fact, it just made for all sorts of resentments and regret. One client, we'll call her Joanne, literally and figuratively boxed up all of the things meaningful to her and put them into the attic when she got married. She sacrificed relationships with her family and friends because her spouse always had a gripe with all of them. She put her art supplies and photographs she had taken into the boxes because her spouse said there was no room in the house for all that stuff. She kept boxing up things that were important to her until 15 years later she did not recognize herself anymore. Her spouse always complained, she tried to please him and in the end the relationship shattered. Both people ended up bruised and battered from the experience. The husband married an image and was too self absorbed to accept her for who she was. She was to blame too for not being strong enough to maintain the boundaries of who she was. She misperceived that if she pleased him, he would accept her. She was mistaken. With the divorce, she took all of those boxes out of the attic, dusted them off and took back all of the parts of herself she had let go of. She became reconnected with her family and realized that they knew the situation was bad with her spouse but were hesitant to get in the middle. They took her back with open arms. She reconnected with friends, with her art and photography and with her integrity. Now in her 40's, she realized the most valuable lesson of all, to always love herself and never change who she is for a partner. Compromise is one thing but sacrificing the essence of who you are is never recommended. I have watched many men and women over the years take back who they are after divorces. I love hearing them declare their new motto's in life which are life affirming and to always be clear up front when getting to know people, who they are and what they stand for. Men and women alike lose themselves in the struggle for acceptance in partnerships, only to find they no longer valued themselves. Like graduating high school, everyone eventually has to face the important lesson in life to value oneself. Often, very few of us are truly self accepting in our 20's, but by our 40's we tend to emerge with the strength to start honoring ourselves. Sometimes divorces are a necessary part of the growth process. In the end, you have to value and love yourself first and foremost and then like a mirror, love will be attracted and reflected back to you. By accepting yourself fully and genuinely being who you are, your simple presence can make others happy. “Love yourself first and everything falls into line"...(Lucille Ball). “Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary"...(Steve Jobs).