The One

"When love is not madness, it is not love"...(Pedro Calderon de la Barca). What does it mean to have "it" for someone or for them to be the "one." Well, I'm not saying that there is only one "it" for people but the feeling of "it" comes from the heart and is a true soul connection that defies all reason and logic. The "it" is such a deep feeling of love that often words alone are not sufficient enough to describe it. Unfortunately, too few couples have "it" for each other which only leads to a lot of trouble eventually, including divorces. Let's start at the beginning when it comes to dating. Men need to understand that while they have a short term goal to get a woman into bed, women have a long term goal of wearing the white dress, finding security....white picket fence and all. The problem is, in either scenario, the issue of a true heart connection is really not considered. Men sleep with women all the time that they really don't have a heart connection with. Guess what however, if the woman plays it right, she just might end up getting that guy to marry her. So you see, the dating game goes both ways and everyone is playing it. For men it seems, they are a bit simpler when it comes to discerning "it." Since men really are not conditioned to be as emotional, things can be more concrete for them. If some of their needs are being met and the woman they are with appears to be into them, then all is well. I've counseled a lot of men however that are outright confused years later when their marriages went down in flames and they can't understand where things went wrong. Because men are concrete, if something is broken, they try to fix it. When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't just follow the list "10 things to do" and all is then well in the relationship. Men seem to have a difficult time understanding female emotions. What I have experienced and observed is this, if a woman never had "it" for you, then she cannot ever make herself feel "it, " no matter how much she tries to. Also, no matter how hard a man tries, you just can't convince the woman to feel "it" for you. Men, you can practically stand on your head but it won't and can't create a feeling that was never there. Just because there appeared to be chemistry in the beginning of a relationship, does not mean that "it" was ever present. The dating game is a powerful thing. Come on guys, you know how to go on interviews to get a job that you desperately want. Women know how to interview too, it's just in the dating game, it's for the long term. Now, in some rare cases "it" was present in the beginning of a relationship and betrayal, abuse and just really bad behavior destroys the relationship. You'd know the difference however because when "it" is there, chemistry is still present, even when things are bad. Women in those cases will eventually end those relationships too but often have a difficult time ending the sexual part of the relationship and still say they will always love them, no matter how badly things ended. True heart connections are difficult to walk away from, even though it is sometimes necessary. In relationships without "it," women often deceive themselves too, blaming the men for every perceived bad behavior and dictating a list of what they need to change to fix the relationship. Hey, all relationships can use increased communication and discussions on how to make things better. When things are really bad however, the core issue of actual connection needs to be questioned. Women often do not want to admit or cannot recognize that they were really never into the man they married. This happens all to often. No woman honestly really wants to admit that so the blame game continues, adding to misunderstandings, anger and resentments between couples. It's actually simple for a woman, "it's" there or "it's not" but too many women will just blame the men and not recognize or own something so simple because they want the security, the house, the facade. They are only fooling themselves in the end. Can "it" ever be created between two people? Since women are very emotional, an "it" of sorts can be developed when two people respect and honor each other and a mutual love is developed over time. A loving relationship can grow if both people start with a deep respect for one another. My understanding of "it" is this....a woman needs to really feel "it" otherwise eventually there will be lack of sex, lack of interest and a basic distain that develops in the relationship. When a woman feels "it," neither time or hurts can ever take it away....sure the feeling can fade in time but that feeling of "it" never goes away completely, once she feels that for a man. Men need to tune into feeling more so that they can tell the difference of "it" versus eye candy or someone who is manipulating them. If a woman can truly kiss you passionately, from the depths of her soul, then there is an "it" feeling going on. If however, she makes excuses, can seem hot and cold and rarely wants to engage in acts of intimacy, then there is probably no "it" happening or whatever "it" there was wasn't strong enough to sustain things. The beauty of dating when you are a bit older and wiser is that you are often more in tune to the heart and will not settle for anything less than a true heart connection. If you can start with that, then all of the other things in a relationship can be worked on and developed. That's not to say that many people of older ages are also still dating with the focus on security, looks, money and marriage. It's important to have some criteria that matches your own goals, needs and ambitions, however there should still be a heart connection, otherwise if things are just based on the superficial, then things can turn sour very easily. Hey, if a gal falls in love with someone for his money but she truly adores the guy, then she may feel "it" and to each their own. In reverse, if a man chooses a wife based on looks and social standing but he respects and loves her, then the union may be his "it" and could be a match made in heaven. Even with "it," relationships still need constant attention, communication and an investment of loving energy. "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction"... (Antoine de Saint). "Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence"...(Eric Fromm).

The Key

The key to happiness is balance. Balance is spoken and written about in lectures, religions, and self help books. In my twenties, I journaled and created a collage titled: "The Mind, Body and Spirit." I knew that the key to happiness was hidden in finding a balance between these three concepts. It has taken me the past 20 years to profoundly understand what that means and to finally be living and practicing balance. First though, we have to make a commitment to ourselves to come out into the light. It's impossible to find balance if your shadow self is where you are residing. Shadow selves are the places where avoidance, denial and fear keep you imprisoned. Avoiding your feelings and denying your true self keeps the shadows alive. Stepping into the light and exposing the shadow self for what it is, takes you closer to liberation and freedom. How do people stay in the shadows? Thoughts keep you there. Too many thoughts and not enough balance of the mind-body-spirit, equally divided, creates a difficult to manage shadow self. "Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings- always darker, emptier, simpler"...(Friedrich Nietzsche). Too many of those darker thoughts creates anxiety, worry and doubt. Too much anxiety creates illness, obsessive compulsiveness and panic attacks. Very dark thoughts turned toward the self can contribute to feeling depressed. Balance is the key but it is a journey in disciplining your thoughts to get you there. If your thoughts create your life, then changing your thoughts, changes everything. Discipline is the daily practice of mindfulness when it comes to your thoughts. Being aware of the quality of your thoughts as well as allowing feelings to emerge and be processed is part of the discipline of balance. There are other ways people process their feelings as well, such as through art, music, writing and even humor. All creative outlets can be a great way to channel emotions and to allow deeper feelings to come to light. Dedicating time to take care of your body, through nutrition and exercise is the discipline of nurturing the self. The state of our bodies reflects the state of our dedication to self. Neglect the body and it is symbolic for neglecting your car until it barely drives or begins to break down all the time, hindering your freedom in this life. It is not selfish to care of ones body, it is neglectful if you don't. The spirit is like the breath we take for granted, each and every moment of our lives. It is our heart and soul and connects us to all that is. Neglecting the spirit is like ignoring the beauty of a sunset or sitting on top of a mountain, so distracted and detached, you are planning the next day instead of taking in the beauty surrounding you. When you ignore the spirit, life is one dimensional, flat and missing something. When you don't pay attention to the spirit, it's like baking a cake and forgetting the flour. Like the cake without a key ingredient, life is flat and dry, when you don't nurture the spirit. When you nurture the spirit however, everything comes to life and nature begins glow all around you. Nature is spirit and is so alive with the breath of the earth. The journey and lesson is balance, which is the key to feeling grounded while surrounded by stresses, noise, traffic and the demands of the world. When in more balance, it takes a lot more to throw you off and you recover from stressors a lot easier. So pay attention to the state of your mind-body-spirit....and begin the process of making sure that each one gets its time and honor. The reward....a happier and more balanced life.

In the Shadows

“To rid ourselves of our shadows - who we are - we must step into either total light or total darkness"...(Jeremy Preston Johnson). I have had an adventurous past week or so, traveling from Lake Arrowhead to Yosemite. For the week long trip to Yosemite, I had my two sisters with me as well as six kids. I lead the six kids in a trip every summer we appropriately call, "The Cousins Trip." Last summer the cousins trip was on the East Coast to New York City and the Adirondack Mountains in upstate New York. This was my first trip to Yosemite, but I can guarantee that it will be the first of many trips there. Yosemite is breathtaking and spectacular. I have been home from the trip for two days now, pondering all of the lessons I have learned lately, both during the cousins trip and after. Last night I was sitting in my car, combing through pictures on my iPhone, before heading into the movie -"Eat, Pray, Love." I was listening to my iPod and a song I've heard many times over the the past several weeks played. It is a song by Leona Lewis about having a broken heart but at the end of the song there is this long pause. Again, I've played the song hundreds of times over the past month, but I just thought the pause was a glitch, so I'd hit the forward button to go to the next song. I never waited out the pause before but sitting in my car, distracted by the photos, something miraculous occurred. I wasn't paying attention to the pause and suddenly a song starts playing that I have never heard. It startled me because the song is so beautiful and speaks about love and passion. I wondered where the song came from and realized it is a hidden gem for hiding in the shadows of a song about loss is an untitled, part B....just waiting to be discovered. The beauty of the song is that to hear it, you must listen to the first song and then wait out a several minute pause, but it's worth it. I was delighted by my discovery. The song about love hidden in the shadows is a beautiful lesson that reflects my past week. First, the cousins trip is a wonderful, yet challenging experience when you put seven to nine family members together. There are always some disagreements, fights and negotiations. It's one thing to motivate my own three kids to hike, but quite another ordeal to get all six of them to willingly set foot on a trail. I usually feel like part cheerleader and part drill Sargent on these trips. The peanut butter and jelly is not enough to motivate them, so I usually have to sweeten the deal with promises of ice cream and soda, once they complete the hike. Lots of bribing usually occurs but my goal to complete a hike is usually fulfilled. Being with both of my sisters is always interesting because we are all so different. I won't lie, we may have fought more than the children did. We may not always agree but when all is said in done, we love each other very much. It's the same with the kids, I watch them all laugh, play and hug, when they don't realize anyone is watching. As with all families, seemingly lost in the shadows is love, that lies silent, waiting patiently to be discovered. When I was frustrated during the trip, I would reflect while on top of a mountain and connect back to the love I feel for all of my family, knowing that we are all different yet the same. It is so interesting to note that I never feel alone when I am on top of a mountain, even if I hiked it by myself. I feel so connected to all that is, to god, to the people I love and to nature when I am staring out across the miles. It is an amazing feeling of peace to be on top of a mountain that is absolutely overwhelming. Back in my car last night, after listening to the hidden song, I went in to see - "Eat, Pray, Love." I feel like I am somewhat like the main character in the movie, except with three children and instead of Bali it's California. The character divorces her husband and through her pain, she finds herself and even finds love again. The song hiding in the shadows is symbolic for the me I had to find over the past year, the part of me that had been lost in the shadows. It is also symbolic for hope, a message for me to be patient, for we all must remember that hidden gems surprise you when you least expect it. I know now that many things await me on my journey, some things that are obvious and many that I will discover along the way. The things in the shadows are the people and experiences that can delight us with the promise of hope when we are distracted or feeling confused. I love how life offers up the messages we need at just the right time. So don't always look at life at face value....it's in the shadows that new things will be brought to light, which illuminates the promise that life will amaze and astonish us, when the moment is right.

I Got You

"Spirit is an invisible force made visible in all life"...(Maya Angelou). The law of attraction is one that baffles even the most intelligent minds. Attraction between individuals can be very spiritual in nature. It is the souls way of sending out a beacon to call out to whomever can resonate with you. True attraction is a very moving experience. Deeper attraction is not just a superficial, "he or she is cute" feeling or minor stirrings of hormones. Sometimes a deeper connection may start out that way...but a soulful connection is one which generally hits you out of nowhere and send all of your defenses into high alert. Defenses sounding alarms can be healthy...it is the persons way of pacing the intense attraction. There is a dance of intimacy that occurs between individuals. One person moves forward, the other steps back and vice versa. It is a dance of sorts as the individuals feel each other out and get to know one another. When there is intense attraction, it becomes even more important to balance the delicate dance of intimacy. People often become afraid of that which they may have secretly desired. It's a bit overwhelming to feel so intensely connected to an individual through attraction. It's irrational yet intoxicating. Safe relationships based on very little attraction but with a lot of knowledge of each other are less intense and don't tend to push the panic buttons that more passionate connections do. I vote for passionate relationships but there is something valuable to learn in the more sedate connections too. I consider connections with individuals to be very spiritual in nature because it is where we often learn the most. If life is our teacher then relationships are the crux of life's lessons. Don't we tend to learn the most about ourselves through relationships. The most important thing I have learned about relationships is to see others more clearly for who they really are versus wanting to change them. I had to learn to give myself that gift first. Often when people don't accept themselves they project criticism onto the partnerships they attract creating a vicious cycle of "I'd love you if." All relationships affect you however and sometimes people shift and change because they grew from the experience. I choose now to attract someone who adores me for who I am and want to give the same gift in return. I've learned from counseling countless individuals as well as from my own past that attracting someone for what you hoped they would be versus who they are, never works. Now if I feel "I got you," it means that I am always there for you, even through separation or distance. In return, I want to attract someone who feels the same way. Two individuals should be able to maintain their identities, yet come together in attraction, passion and the equal desire to be together. "I got you," is also about seeing each other clearly and connecting deeply through that knowledge. Through my journey of trust, I will always look deeper into myself for the answers I seek about relationships. My intuition and thus my heart directs me, especially when my defenses start kicking into high gear. We all have the ability to quiet our minds to feel the answers, which wait patiently to be uncovered if people would just start navigating through their defenses a little easier. The defenses are the gate keeper but are not meant to block you from getting what you want. So enjoy the dance of intimacy and work with your defenses in the best possible ways to still push forward to allow passionate relationships to occur. We certainly need more connected unions in our society because those unions can be the most divine and they allow us to feel our souls soar to new heights. "Think of this random Universe where everything is possible. The organizational skills belong to Law of Attraction. If you will relax and allow Law of Attraction to do the organization and the managing, then you can spend your time doing the things that please you"...(Abraham Hicks).

Lost and Found

“How much of human life is lost in waiting"...(Ralph Waldo Emerson). I arrived this evening in Lake Arrowhead, one of my very favorite places to visit. One year ago, I was visiting family and friends in Southern California, unsure about what my future would be and I made my usual trip to Lake Arrowhead then too. I honestly cannot believe how much my life has changed from one year ago. This morning as I walked out of my new house to run to Starbucks, the enormity of it all hit me like a tidal wave crashing upon the shore. I became tearful momentarily as the entire year flashed before my eyes. They were tears of joy of having pulled off what seemed impossible one year ago. Last year while visiting Lake Arrowhead, I was vaguely aware of bubbling feelings that were emerging, signifying that changes needed to be made in my life, but feeling overwhelmed by what I needed to confront and change. I was so lost one year ago and wading in semi-deep waters wondering if I should stay stuck or dive into the depths of the unknown, risking everything. When we feel that things are impossible, we are suppose to let go and trust that somehow....someway, it will all work out. I had many lessons in trust over the past year. Sure, I had moments of pure panic and overwhelming anxiety, feeling as if I was drowning and that I was in over my head. Usually though, I would be able to reign my worry back in as lightening fast as I possibly could. I try not to let my fears take over...but I am human and fear would occasionally flop around me like a fish struggling to get back into the water after being caught. Once acknowledged, I would throw the fear back where it came, allowing it to swim away and trust would take over again. We all get worried sometimes when things that scare us just seem so darn overwhelming. Fear is a gauge to help us understand a bit more about what buttons are being pushed and when we are heading into new and unfamiliar territory. I'd rather feel fear occasionally than playing it safe all the time. Fears let me know that I'm a risk taker, willing to head into uncharted territory. I feel happier than ever, knowing that I did not let fear stop me. I made some of the biggest changes in my life and here I sit in Lake Arrowhead, feeling as if I could swim across the lake without needing a life preserver, trusting now that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I found in being lost...I was actually finding my way and allowing new strengths and capabilities to emerge. All of the people I affected by the changes I made are finding their way too. My kids seem so happy being in California. They have learned that change is healthy and necessary. They were understandably upset at first about the move from Connecticut to California as well as the fact that their parents are going through a divorce. They are growing and learning that changes do not have to be traumatic. They are observing a happier mom and seeing that life can be an adventure filled with new experiences. So many people let fears stop them from making important changes and all that usually causes is more pain for everyone involved. People absolutely delude themselves into thinking that staying stuck avoids pain...that could not be further from the truth. So reel in your fears too and throw them back to where they came and make those changes in your life required for your optimal growth. Never let fear stop you, otherwise you risk being caught by the same net that many others do, staying captured endlessly in the sea of doubt. "Lost time is never found again"...(Benjamin Franklin). Don't waste time being captured by fears....there is no time like the present to free yourself and head toward the future of your dreams.

With The Wind

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"...(Dr. Suess). Every day is a fresh start and a new opportunity to experience yourself and life with a renewed perspective. Just like the blowing of the wind, I never know from one day to the next what my experiences or lessons will be. I know that I must come off as the eternal optimist. I am to some degree but that does not mean that I don't have my tearful filled days too. I have my moments of struggling with understanding life as I sort through my emotions. I cycle through a variety of emotions from day to day but I remain open to experiencing whatever I need to for increased awareness. I have recently realized that through all of my growth and thus strength I've attained, that I might just have alienated myself from a huge percentage of the population when it comes to dating. It can be lonely at times, trying to pave the way. It's tough enough realizing that as I navigate my way through the dating scene that most men are too intimidated to date a therapist, let alone one who practices shamanic healing on the side. It's going to take one unique, very self assured guy to contend with me. I am a very feeling oriented person which is challenging for most people who are use to dealing with more superficial layers of emotions. I am pretty clear with my expectations and boundaries, thus I will not put up with shallow when it comes to dating. I will also not allow shallow flings or meaningless sex. Where does that leave me? Well, I'm very proud of staying true to myself but again, loneliness comes with such integrity. I'll endure the loneliness because as I recall from shallow dating in my 20's, it left me worse than lonely. I remember feeling sick from superficial interactions with men, kind of like a hangover after drinking too much. It never sat right with me. I believe that it is so important to truly know yourself so that you can be true to who you are. For each person, the journey is so discover the inner workings of your soul. I know my soul now but again, that does not mean I don't pay a small price. I'd pay a bigger price if I compromised what feels right to me, so I will continue to choose listening to my heart. It always guides me in the most authentic way. Regarding optimism... It takes the dark moments to help teach us our fears and doubts. I embrace those moments too because once I navigate my way through my pain I come out the other side, more optimistic than ever. As for dating, I do remain optimistic. I don't need 99.99% of the male population to find my unique nature captivating.... I only need one at a time. The journey continues to teach me so much and with each lesson, I'll pass it on....for we all help each other along the way. The lesson for today... to honor oneself, first and foremost and listen to your heart because it always illuminates the way. "Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it"...(Hardy D. Jackson).

Better In Time

“It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live"...(Bette Midler). Time heals all wounds as the old saying goes. It's amazing how true that is. Watching people go through many trials and tribulations helps reinforce that sentiment more and more to me. I have counseled thousands of people over the past thirteen plus years and have been shown time and time again how time serves as the best medicine. The painful lessons are passages and through the test of time, everyone comes out the other side eventually. They all emerge changed forever, generally stronger and more resilient. Some choose to stay in their pain, dragging their wounds with them, like a backpack filled with stones. Eventually though, the backpack begins to weigh them down to the point those wounds have to be dealt with and released, otherwise further damage to the individual is very likely. I like releasing my wounds. It's so much more cathartic to be in the moment with emotions, letting things go easily and often. Truth be told however, I must admit that I carried a backpack with boulders at one time over the years. The pains from the past finally caught up to me several years ago and I had to take those heavy stones out of the backpack once and for all, uncovering deeply rooted emotions I had been avoiding. With each stone I examined, I felt lighter but honestly, it got worse before it got better. Once you begin to unravel all the pain you have been avoiding, you unveil a huge mess of complications. I kept acknowledging emotions anyway, no matter how much unrest it exposed. I am happy to report that my backpack is finally empty. It took a lot of work but I feel so much happier and I feel more like myself than I've felt in a very long time. I am currently counseling many individuals undergoing many changes in their lives. Thanks to all of the emotions I finally embraced, I too am adjusting to many changes in my life as well. The issues of love, loss and healing are main themes that many face at some time in their lives. Lots of people try to avoid those feelings and fill their time with numerous superficial distractions. I am amazed at how many people are running from their emotions...choosing various distractions instead of getting to the core of what they are avoiding. Dig into those backpacks people! It may be tough to acknowledge at first but it's your life and only you can begin the process of owning your feelings. Often songs inspire my blog articles. This one was inspired from the song "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis. Another one of her songs, "Bleeding Love" keeps ringing in my ears as well. I keep playing them back to back for some reason. They speak to the theme of letting go, only to heal in time and discovering love again, thus bleeding love. When emotions are dealt with, time marches on and healing occurs on every level. I choose feeling over distractions....much more fulfilling really. People cannot ever run from their emotions because eventually emotions catch up with you one way or another. I also find so much more freedom in feeling and in owning each and every emotion I have. There is no freedom in avoidance. The only road that leads to is more pain, the risk of detachment and imprisonment by fears. I have observed countless individuals in the process of freeing themselves from the bondage of their fears and old wounds, then watch with pride as they begin to soar. Those are times I am especially grateful to have the job that I do. That is why I can always say with the utmost confidence, that time heals if you allow it to. “The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins"...(Bob Moawad).