The Communication Dance

Communication is a dance of sorts. Sometimes, the communication flows nicely like a waltz or two-step, when both people are in sync. Other times, communication can be off balance and out of sync. It's sort of like when one person is dancing to the beat of a Jay-Z song and the other one is dancing to Celine Dion. One type of communication between people that signals trouble, passive aggressiveness. Okay, we've all done it......been somewhat passive aggressive. Since most everyone is guilty of it, let's understand it a bit more. It's really a form of communication and is about acting out, passively. A client of mine complained recently, how her husband says he'll be home at 8, but ends up home at 10. He doesn't call or respond to calls or texts. That is passive aggressive. A friend asks you to help her move. You really want to say no, but you say yes. When she keeps calling to remind you of the moving date, you avoid the calls. That's passive aggressive. A client does not want to tell his wife how angry he is at her. When holidays and birthdays come, he conveniently forgets to get her something. That's passive aggressive. It is communication through avoidance, trying to not rock the boat or cause conflict. When you act out passively, you are still sending a message loud and clear. Many times you are conscious of it and other times you are not. People have a tough time communicating or owning how they really feel. Sometimes, they are aware of what they are doing and just want to retaliate, plain and simple. If you are not completely aware of your anger, then denial is in operation. Either way, the result is anger. if you ever find yourself getting frustrated at someones actions, when they have acted passive aggressively toward you, they will often minimize the situation saying, "You are blowing this way out of proportion." I have witnessed spouses going at it with each other full steam, when one has been behaving passive aggressively. It sometimes produces more damage, mistrust and resentment than active, aggressive anger. Why do so many people communicate this way? It starts in childhood. As children, we watch parents act passive aggressively. You hear, "Don't tell your dad I went shopping," or you witness adults avoiding telling each other how they really feel, always skirting the issues. Even children start acting that way. They figure out real quickly how to avoid getting into trouble, if they just tell you what you want to hear. Thus, the dynamic is born and they are off and running. Many adults are not communicating......or should I say, they are communicating via avoidance and passive aggressiveness. To improve the dance of communication, one has to stop their part in passive aggressiveness and avoidance. First step, communicate clearly. Even if you fear the other persons reaction....at least take responsibility for how you are feeling. If someone acts passive aggressively toward you, don't take it personally and again, direct communication is best. Let the other person know you are aware of their passive aggressiveness and don't be surprised when they deny it or try reverse tactics. Communication can be tricky at times, but be true to yourself, try to dance verbally with integrity and respect.....and know that there are always two perspectives and the truth often lies somewhere in the middle. "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him (Buddha)." Once in awhile, you will still step on each others toes, but be aware of your part in any type of communication and the dance will go much more smoothly.