Fake It Until You Make It

In 1992, there I was a college graduate, waitressing and living in New York City. I was considering grad schools, but was still a bit lost, trying to find my way in life. Then I was fired....yes fired as a waitress. Ironically, my boss said that I was not a team player! The reality was that I was miserable as a waitress and that man did me the biggest favor by firing me. The next day, I picked up the New York Times and answered an ad for a private camp counselor at a family owned camp in the Adirondack mountains in upstate New York. Being from California, I did not even know where that was, but the job sounded interesting. I showed up for the interview full of enthusiasm and hope that I would get the job, which would entail going to this family camp for one month and organizing and leading the group of grandchildren in activities. At the interview, the grandparents asked me a series of questions. They asked.....do you hike, play tennis, canoe? Have you led groups of kids on outings, camp outs, and overall been responsible for groups of children ranging in age from 2 to 14? The answer to all of the questions, YES, absolutely! The truth, NO to all of the questions. I knew that whatever I did not how to do, I could figure it out. Heck, I had babysat before, how hard could it be to lead a group of ten or so children? They hired me and there it was......I would have to fake it until I made it. What I was missing in skills, I made up in heart. I made up songs with the kids, quickly learned how to canoe by watching everyone else and tried so hard, that they never even noticed that I was learning on the job. The month was absolutely transforming for me. Hiking as it turned out, really showed me that I could achieve anything. I remember cheer leading the kids up the trail, secretly pushing myself all the way to the top as well. The kids and I really bonded over hiking as we all discovered that we could accomplish more than we ever thought we could. After that summer, the family loved me so much that I was hired as an assistant in their New York City office, which guaranteed that I would be the summer camp counselor each year. I worked for the family for five years while I attended grad schools, finished two masters degrees and finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Those five summers with the family in the Adirondacks taught me so much about myself. From the California girl who had little outdoor experience, I turned into an avid hiker, leading the crew of children up many of the highest peaks in New York State, completing over 35 hikes. I really found myself on those trails, discovering that I could do anything I set my mind to and that fear would never lead the way. I discovered an inner mountain girl that had been hiding who could be more resilient and stronger than I ever imagined. The lesson, never underestimate yourself and be willing to push yourself beyond your limits. You can always do more than you think you can. So, next time you are feeling insecure about your abilities, give yourself more credit, be willing to learn along the way, and as I realized.......sometimes you just have to absolutely, positively, fake it until you make it!

Trust Life

Two years ago, I knew in my gut that I needed to finally move office spaces. I started the process to rent another space and I gave my notice at the office I was renting. Suddenly, the owner of the new space started playing games and I decided not to rent the new space. So there I was with no new office and having given notice to my current space and only 2 weeks left on my lease. It was a lesson in trust. I resisted the urge to jump into fear and panic......and two days later, I received a call from an old friend out of the blue, asking if I wanted to rent office space from them. Things will work out for the best if you just sit in the moment and try to resist the pull toward fear, doubt and panic. I have navigated most of my life on trust and have always tried to avoid the pitfalls and avoidance techniques fear offers, but I am human and sometimes, fear can get the best of me too. Trust is the exact opposite of fear and really challenges ones inner faith in life. You may say you trust life, but the true test comes when you are challenged by a situation that pulls up your deepest urges to run in fear or be frozen by fear. I worked with a female client recently, who has been married for 25 years. Her husband was discovered to have led a double life, having a 10 year affair with someone. After the discovery, she decided to stay in the marriage and he promised to be faithful. Once again however, she was challenged when she discovered him cheating recently. The crossroads for her, to finally face her fears about leaving him. Her feelings are screaming, "don't trust him and he will cheat again" but she wants her inner voice to stop. My reply, "your emotions are trying to tell you something......what are you so afraid of?" Her answer, "I am afraid to be alone." Fear dictates all kinds of excuses to stay in terrible situations. It creates illusions and you begin to see what you want to see, not what is really there. This woman wants her husband to be someone he is not. She wants the image, but the reality is killing her. She admits that she cannot stay this miserable but still holds out hope that he will change. Fear is paralyzing her. I witness fear each and every day with clients. Some are fearful they will get cancer, many are afraid to be alone, others are fearful of having people get upset at them, some doubt and mistrust anything hopeful and some are just plain overwhelmed by life. Many people create all types of excuses to prevent them from truly being happy and trusting life. With each crossroads I have faced in my life, I have always drawn on the deepest part of me, the whispering voice of trust. Fear can blind you from seeing that the answers are right before you, if you just calm the fear instead of feeding it. "The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed (Buddha)." The answers come from within and with trust in your heart, the answers will appear as if by magic. If you reflect back on any situation when you were fearful, how much of it was based in reality? Fear blurs everything and you cannot see a situation clearly when it is being distorted. Just remember that fear is a defense that prevents you from trusting life. Stay in the moment and do not look too far ahead....that only fuels more fear. When in doubt or fear, step back from the situation and sit with your emotions for awhile before reacting. Reactions based in fear are never positive and are only a defense to distance yourself from the perceived threat, rather than really observing what you are feeling underneath the fear. Once again, get to know your feelings, don't allow fear to dictate your life and make a vow to yourself........that trusting life will be your new affirmation, each and every day.

The Journey of Dreaming

There are dreams of the night and dreams of the soul. There are numerous sayings about dreams: Follow your dreams; Dream big and; It's a dream come true. It is interesting that the word dream relates to both the nocturnal state of dreaming, when an alternative world opens up to us, and the state of conscious dreaming.... hoping, creating and aspiring to ones wishes and desires. Both types of dreams offer us the opportunity to manifest our deepest hopes into reality. Regarding dream state, sometimes dreams can feel so incredibly real, that when you awaken, you are not sure which is more true, the dream or the apparent reality. In Eckhart Tolle's book, "The New Earth," he says this about dreams. "The dreamer is not the person. The person is part of the dream. To awaken within the dream is our purpose now. When we are awake within the dream, the ego-created earth-drama comes to an end and more benign and wondrous dream arises. This is the new earth." Other quotes about dreams: Dreams are the language of God; It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting (Paulo Coelho); Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today (James Dean). A shamanic healer, Robert Moss says this about dreaming: "We should actively seek dream guidance on our major issues – by asking for dream help on going to bed, or by learning to embark on conscious dream journeys to sources of wisdom – and we should take action in waking life to honor our dreams, bring the gifts of dreaming into our communities, and create better futures. This approach includes learning to navigate by synchronicity: using the play of coincidence, chance encounters and the symbolism of everyday life for guidance on your path." Dream work can be an important part of understanding yourself. If you get into the habit of writing about your dreams often, you begin to understand the inner workings of your unconscious mind and emotions. Dreams can also be portals, to see loved ones who have passed away, see friends, get messages and intuitive guidance and to heal emotional wounds. I have worked with so many clients, friends and family, who have had dreams where they meet up with people they know and have very real, healing conversations and interactions in the dream world. I too have had this occur on many occasions. Sometimes, people who have a difficult time expressing themselves, visit you in your dreams and are able to be more open and honest with you than they can in waking life. There are also lucid dreams, where the individual has become an active participant in the dream, able to navigate his or her way in the dreamworld. Lucid dreaming is when the individual graduates from passive participant to the orchestrator in the amazing world of dreams. Shamans believe that we can "bridge" our dreams into reality.....sort of like painting a picture of your souls path in the dream world first and then it bridges itself into reality, coming to life. Dreaming is a magical connection to the divine. Paulo Coelho, the author of "The Alchemist," a journey about dreaming says: "Listen to your heart. It knows all things, because it came from the Soul of the World." Allow yourself to dream your hearts desires into reality and to explore and learn how complex and wonderful the world of dreams can be. The next time you close your eyes to go to sleep......let go, be open, enjoy the journey and see where it takes you.

A New Day

Each day is a new opportunity to change, heal and head in a different direction. Lessons are around us constantly, reflecting back to us that which we attracted, giving us opportunities for growth. Nineteen years ago, I had a decision to make... should I move to New York City or stay in California. I wrote previously that I have grown tremendously over the past 19 years, thanks to that decision. I would have grown regardless, even if I had stayed in California. I just would have had different lessons. We are all offered endless opportunities for growth and change, no matter where we live. We are all connected and sometimes, the lesson is for someone else, not just us. A friend of mine from college was engaged to be married, when a coincidental meeting put her ex-boyfriend back into contact with her. They had been in love in college but he had parted from her and let life tear them apart. This man suddenly found himself face to face with her again. He could have taken the easy way out and kept his feelings to himself and said, "have a great life and good luck with your marriage." Instead, he poured his heart out to her and begged her to not marry the other man. It turned out that he had always loved her and realized that he could not let her go this time. She followed her heart too and went home that night, breaking the news to her fiance. Imagine if either of them had not followed their hearts and had walked away. Instead, they are happily married today and a great example of trusting and following their hearts. I guess that is the basis of any good love story. In the movies, "The Notebook" and "Definitely, Maybe" the character's are faced with the same dilemma of following one's heart or not. To risk or not to risk, that is the question. Life is full of lessons of choice and every choice has a consequence and lesson. It's never too late however to take the internal leap of faith, trust life and make heart affirming decisions. In the book, "The Divine Matrix," Greg Bradden says "life brings us exactly what we need precisely when we need it" and that whatever we attract in our lives, "we were the ones who flipped the switch." Whether we realize it or not, we are the ones ready for whatever life has served and brought to our doorstep. The lesson.......trust in yourself and in life. Life mirrors back your secret desires and wishes, you just have to trust what you have attracted. For some, the lessons may be of loss and moving on. For others, the lessons may be about redemption, second chances and love. Allow life to unfold in front of you with continued reassurance that you are creating everything that is happening to you. What a lovely lesson in trusting life when you finally see that you are the creator of your own reality. Trust life, trust your heart and let it lead the way and tomorrow just might show you that a new day has dawned and you overcame the lessons of the past.

I Believe

I believe love is the answer....because without it, we have nothing to believe in. I believe love always navigates its way back into our hearts if we allow it to. I believe love profoundly affects our lives and changes us forever. I believe that the journey of loving yourself, then trusting enough to share that love is the ultimate life lesson. I believe that life is worth living, sharing and celebrating, each and every day. I believe that things happen for a reason, to remind us that the web of life brings us to where we need to be, when we need to be there. I believe we equally orchestrate our fates, by our secret hopes, fears, dreams and wishes. Your wish is your command....so if you think and feel it from the depths of your soul, you can and will manifest it. I believe that compassion is essential and helps us connect to the common thread in humanity, that we are all the same. I believe that children need hugs and kisses every single day! I believe that life is a series of lessons to help us grow and become more enlightened. I believe that lessons in enlightenment come more from daily, apparently mundane matters of living rather than hours upon hours of deep meditation. I believe that letting go is sometimes essential in breaking out and becoming who you are meant to be. I believe that change is a lesson in allowing yourself to transform. I believe that sometimes you have to go very far from where you started, to have some clarity, then weave your way back to embrace that which you ran from. I believe that love will live on, long after we are gone. I believe that nothing is permanent and everything is constantly changing. I believe that fear is an illusion we use to keep us from allowing change, even though the changes occur anyway, with or without our permission. I believe our thoughts create who we are. I believe that a good piece of chocolate (dark is my preference), can soothe the soul. I believe that alone time is essential, to be able to listen to your soul teach you who you are and why you are here. I believe that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. I believe in the power of art and music to inspire and remind us that there is magic occurring in each and every moment, if we tune ourselves into it. I believe that nature reflects the simple and glorious beauty of our souls potential. I believe that sharing our journey and the lessons we have learned is another lesson. I believe in Buddha's quote, "He is able who thinks he is able." I believe in the importance of being in the moment and in going with the flow. I believe that love always finds a way....... What do you believe in?

Free To Be Me

This trip to California is my first trip away from my children by myself in 10 years. I never really fully appreciated all of the time I had to myself before kids. I certainly appreciate it now! I have streamlined a lot of things since having children. Juggling kids, a career and everything else leaves very little time for myself in all areas of my life. When I go shopping, I am so harried that I usually grab clothes off the rack quickly, purchasing and hoping they fit correctly. I just don't spend the time to browse, window shop or take my sweet time like I did before kids. If I have an hour or two to myself, I truly enjoy the time that I have now, appreciating each and every second. This trip is the lottery of alone time! Tonight, I am at a resort and spa by myself in Lake Arrowhead and it is truly amazing. I work with so many clients that do not know how to be by themselves. The upside I guess of having been unsupervised growing up, is that I learned to do a lot of things on my own and became incredibly independent. As a child, I went to movies alone and I would organize day trips by myself or with friends, to go on adventures with our bikes. Sometimes, we would scrape up enough money to take the bus to the mall and spend all day playing tag in and around the shops. Needless to say, I still enjoy alone time. I actually give homework out to some of my clients that are too panicked to be alone. Their assignment, go to a movie, lunch or take a day trip, by themselves. This proves to be quite challenging for some of them. How can anyone really enjoy being around you, if you can't enjoy being around you? Back at the resort, I had a wonderful afternoon, sitting out on the balcony, taking in the view. I went to the gourmet restaurant for dinner all dressed up and enjoyed an organic glass of Merlot and the most delicious salmon. I gave a silent toast to myself, "Denise, thanks for really listening, for being true to yourself and for being the best friend a girl could ever have....cheers!" I thoroughly enjoyed the interesting, stimulating conversation I had with myself and had a chance to really reflect on many things going on in my life. After dinner, I practically danced all the way back to my room, just giddy and so excited to have all of this alone time. I headed out to the outdoor hot tub and sat under the stars, enjoying the solitude and peace of being on my own. In the morning, I am heading to the spa for an hour long massage, which will really top off this trip! My refection, I have learned to really enjoy who I am. I adore being social too, but alone time is precious and I absolutely value being by myself. It is crucial once in awhile! More importantly, everyone should be more than okay with being alone. When I work with clients afraid to be alone, they become very dependent on having other's around them. Being alone for several hours can be a good start. This trip is a rarity for me, but each and every one of us can find enjoyment in the small chunks of time we can find for ourselves. Even driving has become a much treasured retreat for me. Learn to enjoy your own company, get to know yourself and don't be afraid to branch out and do more on your own. You just might discover that you can truly love and appreciate the freedom that comes with being yourself.......by yourself.

California Dreaming

Running out to get coffee this morning, the 73 degree weather and glaring sun, reminded me instantly that I am not in Connecticut anymore. The energy in California is so completely different than the east coast. I spent the first 25 years of my life in CA and had taken for granted the consistently warm weather. We all are so affected by the places we live. Call it, the Feng Shui of the climate. Right now on the east coast, I have a handful of clients suffering from seasonal affect disorder, which causes mild depression in individuals due to the decreased sunlight, colder temps and shorter days. Clearly, the downside of colder climates is that we tend to hibernate more throughout the winter versus the more active lifestyle you can have in warmer climates. There is something nice about a snow storm however. School gets cancelled, I cancel clients and we all stay home and bake cookies and play in the snow. The snow can get old however, when you are slipping on the ice in the driveway, it's bitter cold and you are shivering in your car until the heat finally kicks in. Autumn on the east coast is breathtaking. The colors are spectacular and feel like a gift from god. I love baking a fresh apple pie with apples we got from the farm across the street, while you look outside and see the leaf covered ground. There is just something about Halloween on the east coast, with the cold crisp air, going pumpkin picking, surrounded by the fall colors. Christmas is pretty special on the east coast too. It truly feels like the holidays when you are listening to White Christmas and there is actually snow on the ground and you have your fireplace going. While I was growing up in CA, it always felt a bit strange when you had a 70 degree Christmas and you could head to the beach after opening your gifts. Just doesn't feel the same. I have learned to really appreciate the summers and warmer weather being in Connecticut. Once the spring hits on the east coast, we all get so excited about the prospect of summer coming. The kids can feel it in the air too and we all look forward to all of the things we will do once the weather warms up. On the east coast, we all seem to fill up all of our weekends in the summer with activities, because we are counting the days until the weather shifts to cold again. I have really learned to value each season and to appreciate what each season teaches us. The lessons of the fall, letting go of old belief patterns and honoring change. Winter teaches us the process of introspection, rest, withdrawal and going within. The Spring is about new beginnings, emerging anew and exciting possibilities. Summer teaches us the value of fun, play, activities, socializing and enjoying the sunshine. I guess I had to experience the east coast to understand the lessons of the seasons, but the California weather sure feels good today. I know that when I move back to CA, I will never take the weather for granted again. Where we live in teaches us all to find the best that our climates seem to offer us. Really enjoy where you live and find the joy in your surroundings. Don't complain endlessly about the long winters in cold climates. Instead, enjoy the beauty of it and value the activities the snow offers, like skiing, snow boarding, sledding and snow shoeing. In warm climates, don't ever take the 73 degree days for granted. Really value all that the consistent sun allows and head to the higher elevations once in awhile, just to experience the glory of the fall and winter. As for me, I'm heading out with my iced coffee in hand, wearing shorts, about to go for a long walk and I am absolutely thankful for this beautifully warm day!

The Law Of Attraction

Talking with my 13 year old niece today about boys was illuminating and brought me way back to my junior high school years. She has a crush on a boy named Scott and when I asked her what she likes about him, her response, "he's cute, nice and funny." She asked me if it's true what she has heard about boys that when they like you, "they tease you and torture you a bit?" "The torturing part has to be fun and lighthearted and if the boy is being mean, tell him to stop and walk away," I stressed. This boy Scott apparently jokes with her every day about how she dances and he always makes an effort to talk with her in class. Hm mm, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure this one out, of course he likes her. The nature of attraction does not change from when you are 13 to when you are 33, 43 or whatever. You are either attracted to someone or you are not. You can't force a square peg into a round hole, so to speak. Attraction goes much deeper than what your mind tells you. Yes, you can talk yourself out of what you are feeling, but you can't change what you are feeling. My 15 year old nephew says he looks for, "smart, cute and funny" in the girls he likes. Cute and funny seems to be the consensus. Cute goes back to basic attraction and each person certainly has their own perspective on what cute means. I have learned through the years that cute is not just about how someone looks, but their overall essence. There are very attractive, mean spirited people out there, which makes them very unattractive in my book. The funny factor is equally if not more important. My advice to them, always be with someone that makes you laugh. You truly have a soul connection with someone, when you get each other enough, to make one another laugh. It helps you take life less seriously. Of course at 13, my niece loves a boy that makes her giggle, but even when she is grown and married with kids, if you can't laugh with your partner about the the small stuff, then life becomes very boring. My advice to both of them, always pick nice people. Nice goes a long way in life. There is nothing more unappealing than "not nice" people. People pick "not nice" people all the time. That goes back to insecurities, not trusting one's heart and giving people the benefit of the doubt, when they really don't deserve it. I have counseled so many bright individuals who admitted that they overlooked the mean behaviors their partner's displayed because they assumed the best intentions instead of seeing the behavior for what it really was, just plain mean, selfish and rude. Nice people also start to display "not nice" behaviors to each other when they have been hurt, aren't happy and begin pushing each other away. The lesson, figuring out who you are, what you want and not settling for terrible. The discussion with my niece concluded with me imparting some of the wisdom I have gained through the years. "Kaitlyn," I said: "Don't dismiss bad behaviors; Expect the very best for yourself (people often spend more time picking out an outfit or buying the right car, then really being aware of what they want and how they feel in a relationship); Look deeply at who the person is and how they act in a variety of situations; Ask yourself, are they respectful to you and everyone that they encounter?; Make sure they are always nice to you; Make each other laugh and of course follow your heart".....

Take Flight

I am sitting on an airplane on my way to California. I am originally from CA, so flying across country has become something I am accustomed to. This flight is especially relaxing because I am without my children. Usually, I am fixing portable DVD players, coaxing them to stay in their seat belts, getting them snacks and drinks and praying that we don’t create too much of a distraction for the rest of the passengers. We usually do cause a ruckus however. We all flew to Texas last spring and my then 3 year old was absolutely exhausted! The flight attendant came over at one point and very rudely pointed out to him that he was not a very well behaved child. He didn't care. At the end of the flight we were sitting on the runway, waiting for a gate to open up. I quietly pointed out to him as he was whining, that he was just tired and cranky. Not such a smooth move on my part. He took the opportunity at that moment to yell at the top of his lungs, “I AM NOT CRANKY!” At that point, his statement broke the tension on the plane and everyone started laughing. That was a good moment. It was always very interesting on flights throughout the past 10 years, when my kids were babies, crammed into a coach seat trying to breast feed, with an absolute stranger sitting on one side, that you might as well just let it all hang out. I lost all sense of modesty after that. It’s always fun when you board the plane with your kids and you get those looks from passengers. You know those looks, the one’s of worry and panic that your kids are going to make the flight horrendous. What the heck, there are no flights just for kids where they are quarantined from the rest of the passengers. You book a ticket on an airline and yes, there are bound to be families on the planes. If you want peace and quiet, book a private charter or stay home. It’s always fun being in mid air when one of the kids throws up. That is just a barrel of laughs. The toddler stage is really fun too, when they just want down and it is like a circus act, trying to get them to stay in their seats! I always consider it a success or a miracle when one, let alone all of them fall asleep, then I can actually have a few moments to myself. Flying is not easy with kids, but I never focus on the difficulty in getting to our destination. I always focus on the goal.....the fun we will have when we get there. I know some people who refuse to embark on the adventures of traveling with their kids, because it might be tough. Again, like anything worthwhile in life, you have to focus on the end result, not the work it takes to get there. Don’t limit yourself, just because it may be stressful or take some effort on your part. If you do, you’re missing out on all the freedom and all of the opportunities you could have. My kids are sure glad that I make the effort. They are easier travelers now that they are older and I have smartened up too and learned from trail and error. I always travel non-stop when possible, bring extra snacks and I always have a bottle of Benadryl handy (just joking, sort of). As I sit, enjoying the flight, I smile as I hear other people’s kids screaming and whining, knowing that as long as they aren't my kids, they can scream all they want......I brought my Ipod.

The Energy Of Love

"All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love"…(Leo Tolstoy). Love is the energy of the heart. It is expansive, endless, can heal and be felt to the depth of one's soul. There are numerous sayings about love: Love can move mountains; The power of love; Love heals all wounds and; Love makes the world go round. I say to my kids often, "I love you as big as the world, the universe and beyond." Love is all encompassing and mirrors the beauty of our souls. Love feels like listening to the most delightful song, when every cell of your body feels alive. Love helps us feel connected to humanity, the earth, every living creature, and to all that is. Love allows us to see the wonder of life and nurtures hope. When you no longer need the fortress to hide behind, love lights the way and illuminates your path. Love is unconditional and knows no bounds. Love seems to be felt more deeply from learning and experiencing the lessons of loss and pain. Regarding loving yourself, the line in the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" says it best when the author journals to herself, "I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you." Love is the biggest inspiration for poetry, movies, art and music. Here are some inspiring quotes about love: "I believe that love cannot be bought except with love"...(John Steinbeck): "A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge"...(Thomas Carlyle): "Brief is life but love is long"...(Alfred Lord Tennyson): "He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes"...(Buddha): "We can do no great things; only small things with great love"...(Mother Teresa): "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet"...(Plato): and of course the ever famous, "All you need is love"...(John Lennon & Paul McCartney). I also like Lucy's quote from the Peanuts cartoons, "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt! (Charles M. Schulz)." Love is being open and gloriously, willingly vulnerable. Love is the dream that never ends, for it imprints everything and everyone in it's path and never fades. Love is always worth any risk because loving now is the ultimate gift to yourself and others. Ultimately, you'll never regret loving but you will regret it if you don't let your love flow freely, without limits or restrictions. So, open your heart, follow your heart and let yourself love.

Forgiveness

One of the toughest lessons for many people is forgiveness. Why is it so hard for people to forgive? Somehow it feels protective to just hold out and say, I will not forgive. It gives one a false sense of control. The only one who suffers from that is you. People ask me all of the time, "how can I ever get over the pain I have been through." Forgive. The person who has hurt you is responsible for their own journey. Let yourself forgive, thereby giving your emotions the permission to heal. One client said to me recently, "how can I forgive when my ex-husband is a terrible father to my kids." You can forgive. That father will pay the price in his lack of relationship with his kids. His journey will reveal his lessons. Let the anger go and free yourself by forgiving. Another client said he'd hate his mom forever. Who is that tormenting, him or his mother? That may feel like punishment, but again, who pays the price for that. The act of hating or lack of forgiveness keeps you in the victim role. It is just a story that you have told yourself and now as "the victim" you have to keep holding onto pain and blame, to keep the story going. Forgive.......let go of the pain and the story is no longer part of you. Each perceived hurt anchors the story. You define your story, so re-write it with a different ending. Refuse to be the victim. The victim says, he or she did this to me and I cannot forgive them for it. Don't let the victim anchor those stories around you. Everyone has been hurt, yet each person has the ability to choose to free themselves from their stories and redefine their lives. Forgiveness is healing for everyone! "Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule (Buddha)." We teach children to get along, to say they are sorry and to not hold grudges. Why can't adults practice what they preach? For every hurt you perceive has been done to you, someone else may perceive that you have done to them! Feel the pain, but don't hold onto it indefinitely. Review why you keep holding onto the hurt and why your are afraid to let it go, then practice forgiving each and every day, until it becomes easier. While you are at it, forgive yourself too. If you are holding out and not forgiving others, then chances are that you are not forgiving yourself for your own behaviors. Ultimately, love is the only answer. Love yourself, love others and send love to your pain and to your lack of forgiveness. "I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love".... (Mother Teresa).

Take Care Of Yourself

A few years ago, I was walking to my office with my coffee in hand when I suddenly lost consciousness and fell to the pavement. When I came to, I was dizzy and could not stand for awhile, thereby ruling out that I had simply tripped. I went to the emergency room and luckily, all serious conditions were ruled out. The only conclusion, low blood sugar from skipping breakfast that morning. Up until that fainting spell, I had not been taking very good care of myself. Since the birth of my first child in 2000, the focus on my health had steadily been declining. I had been guilty of the typical mommy syndrome......,everyone else came before me. I had been physically fit before kids, then found a million excuses to avoid the gym. The excuses had some validity. There had always been a baby crying, a needy husband, house to clean, groceries to shop for, clients to see and more chores than I could keep up with, never mind that I was exhausted and never got enough sleep. That fall literally woke me up!! The day after the fall, I vowed to take my life back and I have been off and running ever since. Those wake up calls are our lesson's to assess what is not working in our lives and change it. I started to take responsibility for my health and well being and I transformed my life. The first step.....eliminating the excuses. I started asking for more help from others around me and went to the gym no matter what, having my spouse take the kids even if they were crying or whining. I did not allow guilt trips or the mountain of chores and responsibilities to deter me. I would talk myself through excuses, "there is always so much to do anyway, an hour at the gym won't put me that far behind." I immediately started to eat 4-5 small healthy meals a day, instead of skipping meals or overeating whatever I was feeding the kids. I became a modified vegetarian (I still eat fish) and started educating myself on the nutritional value of the foods I was eating. I also started focusing on weight training and cardio as well as getting back to my love of hiking and outdoor activities. Then there was sleep. I started making sleep a priority too. Sleep is the best meditation, according to the Dalai Lama, and I believe it. I certainly had not realized how sleep deprived I had become until I started focusing on it. Having children had changed my sleep patterns significantly. I had become accustomed to waking up at the slightest sound, whereas before kids, I could sleep through a hurricane! I had to start allowing for enough sleep and again, asking from help from my spouse to let me sleep in. I work with so many sleep deprived moms. I ask them, "are your husband's sleep deprived?" The answer is usually, "NO." I guide women to request help from their spouses, family, or hire a sitter to watch the kids, to make the time to get sleep. Mental and physical health requires sleep! The benefits of focusing on my health have been numerous. I have more energy, lost a lot of weight, my cholesterol went down significantly (over 100 points), I'm happier and I role model to my kids the value of taking care of themselves. I have a scar on one of my knees from the fall, a permanent reminder to always take care of myself. "Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care (Buddha)."

Backyard Camp Out

Last night I was feeling adventurous, so the kids and I decided to camp outside in our backyard fort. It was 40 degrees, but what the heck. Armed with our new sleeping bags, pillows, and flashlights, we headed out to the fort. We all got cozy and told ghost stories. I think I may have gotten a little carried away with my ghost story about a bobcat and mummies. The kids have been worried about the rumor of a bobcat roaming the woods around our house. Hey, we have wild turkeys, rabbits, deer, skunk, foxes, possums, and squirrels.....so why not a bobcat. My story had the bobcat protecting our fort and keeping the mummies at bay. Nothing too violent or gory, just enough to get the wide eyes and a slight scream when I grabbed their arms. It was all in good fun. It started to pour around midnight, so we got to test the dryness of the fort. The fort leaked alright, but luckily we stayed warm and dry with our waterproof sleeping bags. The best part of the night, snuggling up with my kids. Absolutely priceless. They are only young once, so while they actually still want to cuddle, I will not miss out on the opportunity. So many parents miss out on golden opportunities to have fun spending time with their children. I watch time and time again, parents in a variety of situations, not engaging with their kids. Parents will bask in the sun while their kids are swimming in the pool or building sand castles at the beach. Parents will be on their cell phones, while their children are playing at the park or they refuse to participate in board games or cards with their kids. Too many adults have forgotten what it is like to play and take adulthood way too seriously. The Webster's dictionary describes play to: engage in recreation, frolic and to handle and behave lightly or absentmindedly. Whether you have kids or not, being playful and spontaneous is so important to counter balance all of the responsibilities of being a grown up. Every day should be amusing and joyful in some way. Life is only as heavy and stressful as you make it! "A wise man, recognizing that the world is but an illusion, does not act as if it is real, so he escapes the suffering (Buddha)." Kids live each day in the present moment and if you allow them to, they will always find time to play and enjoy themselves. Last night at dinner, when we were at a Hibachi restaurant, I finally noticed some adults having fun. Unfortunately, it was the adults with Scorpion bowls or numerous drinks whom had smiles on their faces! No surprise there. The lesson......take life and yourself a little less seriously. Get out and play more each and every day, without needing a Scorpion bowl to do it! If your kids ask for a backyard camp out, dig out the sleeping bags and make it happen. Our daily purpose and goal should be to find happiness in all the things that we do. We are off to have more good times together to see the movie, "Where The Wild Things Are." Having fun with my kids always makes me happy. What makes you happy?

Let It Fade

Leaving one chapter of your life behind to head into the unknown can be exciting and scary. After years of counseling individuals through many life changes, no matter how difficult or challenging those changes seem to be, they always reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Understandably, divorce seems to be one of the most challenging life changes for people. I had one man come to his first counseling session requesting help to stop the numerous affairs he was having and said, "just so you know however, I am NOT getting a divorce!" Remember, that which you resist most is your biggest lesson. After years of counseling and a lot of soul searching he finally faced how terrible his marriage really was and is now divorced. When it comes to divorce, there are so many issues to face. As the case with the client I just mentioned, his fear was his family's disapproval of divorce. Coming from a Catholic upbringing and parents who seemed stuck in their own marriage, divorce was strictly forbidden in his family system. He had married his spouse to please his parents, but had not married someone whom he really loved. His journey was to follow his heart, face his fears and head into the unknown. His light at the end of the tunnel is that he is now settled, more independent, dating and living a more authentic life. Another client was forced into a divorce when her husband left quite suddenly. Her life was thrown into chaos and confusion as she suddenly had to face the loss of her marriage, mourn the future she thought she'd have and finally adjust to a new life as a single mother. The irony, she's happier, stronger and better off without him and can see now that he had not been a supportive partner during the years they were married. I grew up with divorces all around me. I thought divorce was normal and considered a couple staying together as an anomaly. Everybody has their own perspective and expectations of relationships, marriage and divorce based on their upbringing, culture, religion and society. As a therapist, I understand all too well the complexities of relationships. What works for one couple, may not work for another. Relationships are unique and filled with numerous lessons, both in staying together and in parting ways. No matter what, when couples get to a point when one or both partners decide to separate, their old life has to fade away. That is why a divorce may feel like a death, filled with all of the feelings that come with a loss. Many people express confusion about feeling sad about their divorces, even though they were the ones who wanted to end their marriages. It is still the loss of your old life, no matter who requested the divorce. The partners that will not face their feelings or let their old lives fade are the ones disabled by fear. One 40 year old client, when faced with a divorce said he would sleep in the spare bedroom and seemed fine with allowing their marriage to stay that way into old age. Talk about avoidance and fear!! Those are the partners in denial, the ones who would have pushed the problems underground and stayed married no matter how awful things were and the ones who end up bitter, disgruntled and stay angry many, many years after the divorce. Why do people hold onto anger so many years after a divorce? It reflects the individuals need to blame, rather than take responsibility for one's own life. The other difficult issue with divorces are the children. Do not think for a moment that the children are not affected by bad marriages! The denial about this issue is enormous. Couples will often rationalize, that it is always best for the kids to see the parent's stay married. Not always. Children feel everything that is occurring in the environment and if a couple is miserable, bitter and there is tension, they can feel it. Is it healthy for children to observe obligatory marriages and to grow up with unhappy parents? What does that teach children? Children should see happy couples, which will teach them to seek happy unions when they grow up. Otherwise, another generation believes that settling is the norm for a marriage. I have also counseled some marriages that had a really good foundation, but just needed some increased communication to get back on track. All marriages and relationships go through growing pains. The key is to really address the issues in a relationship and decide whether it is past the point of no return and be willing to face the crossroads with strength. There is always an opportunity for growth with any changes you make and every direction you head. As you face the unknown, let your old life fade and embrace the new life you are heading into, whether you stay together or you part.

What Were They Thinking?

Sometimes people behave in way's that make you wonder, what were they thinking? People act out their deeply buried pain. That is why people can lack compassion, behave selfishly, be mean or even act cruelly. The denial in mean spirited and selfish people is so profound, they rationalize their bad behavior or just blame other's as deserving it. Often people also completely minimize the behavior saying, "you're so sensitive, it's not that bad!" The detachment in them in significant. I often have clients ask me, "How and why can so and so be so incredibly mean." It's tough to fathom when you are a caring individual, that some people operate out of spite, vengeance, selfishness and resentment. They simply justify their behavior as the person or world made them act that way. Here are some of the mean or selfish behaviors I have heard about in the years of working with clients. A husband is home with his 3 month old baby boy. His wife goes out to a movie to have some time for herself. When she returns, she finds her husband sleeping and assumes all went well.....until she hears a muffled cry and opens the bathroom door. She is shocked when she sees the bassinet and baby crying, realizing her husband pushed the baby and bassinet into the bathroom so that he could get some sleep. What was he thinking? An ex-husband shows up at his son Jacob's baseball game which happens to be on Jacob's seventh birthday. The father has no gift or card for his son and simply says, Happy Birthday, then leaves the game. What was he thinking? A girl goes to the first day of school to start 1st grade. Her mother failed to tell her that she was held back and would be repeating Kindergarten. The child hears it from the teacher on the first day of school and sobs all day at her desk. What was that mom thinking? A father so incensed that a driver honk's at him, gets out of the car and beats the driver to a pulp, in front of his 5 year old son. What was that father thinking? A wife yells at her spouse, "I hate you and wish you were dead." What was she thinking? A father terrorizes his son for years with cruel words and actions. What was he thinking? I've heard many stories of child abuse where the parents bury their heads in the sand and ignore what is or has happened and even defend the abuser. What are they thinking? "Good men and bad men differ radically. Bad men never appreciate kindness shown them, but wise men appreciate and are grateful. Wise men try to express their appreciation and gratitude by some return of kindness, not only to their benefactor, but to everyone else (Buddha)." People in deep pain and denial, project their pain on everyone around them. That pain causes so much pain in other's, which may take years or a lifetime to sort through. Try not to spend too much time understanding people's bad behavior's, work on yourself and get stronger. A big lesson and test of being hurt by bad behaviors of other's........,to avoid joining them in denial, rage, retaliation or vengeance. The journey with very painful lessons is to feel what has happened, learn compassion, find ways to protect yourself and your children from abusive behaviors and ultimately to forgive. Forgiveness does not condone bad behaviors, it releases you from being judge and jury and frees you from carrying the pain forever. I'll end this article with an inspiring quote from Mother Teresa to illuminate the point that all of life is a lesson. "Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it."

The Fortress

Children come into the world full of unconditional love, but in a conditional world, they build their walls brick by brick until it becomes a fortress. We all have such an enormous capacity to love, but it becomes jaded, stifled, and blocked. Feelings are the key to break down the fortress. As children we were so open and honest about our feelings. Each day though, our parents and environments taught us to hold back, behave, not act too excited, and push down our very essence. The journey as adults.....,begin to feel again and break through the pain which built the fortress. Fear always has to be addressed in dealing with the fortress. Fear is the guardian and tries to dissuade us from heading into the unknown. It convinces us that the fortress is just fine and there is no need to go any further. It keeps us locked up however and in a perpetual state of limbo from ourselves. People often believe their fortresses are protections, but all too often people stay in bad situations with not very nice people, because they can't feel how damaging the situation really is. Without an open heart connection, you can't really discern painful situations. You may know it's bad, but aren't feeling the situation completely. That leads us into denial which is a crafty defense that can put a veil of illusion around you. That veil shows you what you want to see in a person or situation, not what they or it really is. It is truly self deception at it's best. Hey, we've all been guilty of it! The more you stray from your heart, the more you cling to illusion and fear, the more you reside in denial. Our society also conditions group denial of feelings. The socially acceptable way to keep denial in place and from feeling too much: drinking alcohol in excess, smoking, drugs, gambling, sex addictions, shopping, gossiping, food, anger and more. Unfortunately, those very behaviors can create another level of avoidance when the addictions to keep you from feeling actually become a problem which necessitates more denial! What a vicious cycle. My journey regarding my own fortress has been illuminating. As a child, my essence was expressive, sensitive and loving. Without guidance and supervision however, I was left on my own to get to scouts, do homework and figure out dinner. My fortress started from neglect. The fortress was firmly in place by high school. I clearly remember having no hopes or dreams about my future. I felt completely disconnected. I spiraled out of control in college when feelings finally began to emerge. The fortress couldn't contain it all any more and my behavior and choices reflected that. Overwhelming feelings were actually my saving grace and even though it took me being out of control to get there, it was my wake up call. An abusive relationship early in college also taught me how little I valued myself and eventually led me to seek help. I found my way back to me and started having hopes and dreams. With hopes, I also found a new form of denial, social acceptance. Growing up poor, led me to want the American dream. I bought into the package, hook, line and sinker. I hoped for everything I never had growing up, the house, marriage, the kids and suburbia. Denial began to mask the essence of who I had worked so hard to unveil and for what? To anchor the image I had worked so hard to achieve. Clearly my journey is ongoing on dismantling my own denial, even with as much insight I may have. We are all always in lesson! Denial is a tough lesson, because you have to really face yourself and discover what you are really clinging to. First step, break the denial and keep breaking it. That tricky denial just keeps throwing up veil's of illusion. Once you break one layer, don't be surprised when another layer pops up with a different spin. It's still fear disguised! I have seen so many individuals finally break through denial in relationships and feel the pain of the situation, kinda like a hallelujah moment, only to cover it back up days, weeks or months later. People make excuses and say things like, "well, he's been nicer for a week," or "it's really not as bad as I thought" or "the kids seem fine" and "why rock the boat." I'm telling you, don't believe one darn thing that denial tries to tell you. Protective, nope, it's just a stall tactic....to avoid facing your fears and to keep you incredibly out of touch with your heart center. What fears? Fears of change, avoidance of loneliness (even though the situation may be incredibly lonely), guilt (more self abuse), finances, protecting the status quo and the list goes on and on. Hiding in your fortress and ignoring your feelings is paramount to abuse, that you are doing to yourself! Sometimes, it can feel quite cozy in your fortress. It feels like a safe place for awhile because becoming aware of one's feelings or what is really occurring around you may seem like opening Pandora's box. Your denial imprisons you in the fortress and as comfortable as it may feel, it is an avoidance of who you are and what you are really feeling. Show that pesky denial that you are in charge and it does not control you. Bravely face your fears, see the truth beneath the denial and allow yourself to feel, dismantling your fortress one brick at a time. Understand your story, but don't cling to it. Our stories are to help us learn. Once you learn the lesson though, the story is in the past and no longer needs to define you. It's your life to live, do you want to stay hidden behind a fortress? "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: 1.) not going all the way; and 2.) not starting, (Buddha)."

The Beauty of Change

Another road trip with my kids this past weekend. We went the correct direction this time and headed to Lake Placid, NY. The message for me on this trip; enjoy the moment, appreciate the positive souls who crossed our paths and notice the changes all around me. Being in the moment with my kids was easy. We stopped for lunch at a diner on the way to Placid and I had to laugh when we had an interesting encounter with a stranger. The diner was packed and my children were actually being relatively quiet at the table. An older lady kept trying to get my attention and I was looking at her with a look of surprise because for the life of me, I could not figure out what she wanted. She got up and came closer and I finally heard her say, "Would you mind keeping your son quiet?" Well, now I was shocked! Look, I have very spirited kids. The downside of not squashing their spirit is sometimes they can be very difficult to contain. So believe me, my kids can get out of control, but this was not one of those moments. I swear, they were playing nicely! She was talking about my four year old, who was playing with two pencils and pretending that they were cars racing. He was having a blast. The adults in the restaurant were being louder than him. I quickly replied, "excuse me?" with the hope that she was actually joking. "Do you speak English?" she said loudly. I started laughing. She repeated her absurd statement several more times asking if I would mind keeping him quiet, because he was driving her husband crazy. Wow, a playing, happy child was driving her husband crazy. What does that say about him! I finally said, mustering up a great deal of patience, "Yes I do mind, he is playing nicely and I will not ask him to stop." She was surprised that she could not control the world around her. An adult that was not willing to behave! Usually, I might get a little more feisty with someone like that, but I noted the change in myself, that my patience had definitely increased. We did not give the incident another thought, but I bet she and her husband ruminated about it the rest of the day! You cannot control the world around you, only how you react to it. That evening at dinner, we crossed paths with people who were so friendly and attentive to my kids. The three tables around us in the restaurant asked my kids questions, laughed at their jokes and genuinely seemed amused by them. It was a pleasure! As far as noticing other changes, the autumn colors are hard to miss! We hiked a familiar mountain, but this time the trail looked very different in the fall. As in life, sometimes we take the same route but the changes in and around us can be breathtaking. I also recognized a significant change in my oldest son. At nine years old, his nature is always more cautious. On hikes, he usually tends to go slow and always watch his step. This time however, he approached the trail differently and headed up first, completing the hike faster than us and by himself. He was beaming with pride when we caught up with him at the top. His new found confidence was clearly showing. On the way down, now feeling like an expert at this trail, he helped his little brother all the way down. He emerged from the trail with a profound new sense of himself and I beamed too knowing it was one of many lessons he would learn in life. He found the hiker within, the risk taker and the ability to help show other's the way. We all have those moments, when we approach the trail of life with a little more bravery, we face our fears and emerge stronger and transformed, then help others do the same.

Feng Shui Your Thoughts

I teach Feng Shui classes and I am always reminded about how much I love talking about how energy affects us profoundly each and every day. Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of placement of the chi (energy) in and around us. Feng Shui translates into wind and water. The idea of Feng Shui is that our environments should reflect nature and our spaces should reflect balance. We can shift the energy in our environments by attending to colors, furniture placement, the balance of elements, clearing clutter and countless other ways to bring the energy of nature into our homes and work spaces. Our homes also reflect us and the space affects us. If your home is on a busy street the sound of traffic affects you. If your home looks like a museum or a cluttered mess, that affects and reflects you as well. I like to think that Feng Shui can be applied to the energy of our thoughts and the energy of the people we have around us. So, what is the energy of your thoughts? Do you have mostly positive, self affirming, life affirming thoughts? If not, time to Feng Shui and clear up the mind clutter. People often have anxious thoughts. Anxious thoughts bring chaos and fear into your life. "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world (Buddha)." Change your thoughts and you alter how you feel. Fear is based on irrational thoughts. Being aware of what you are thinking, focusing on the positive and changing your thoughts will help you feel more in balance. A client recently complained about her job. She was focusing on what she did not like, the boss, the lack of communication and frustrating customers. After some discussion though, she did not want to quit and actually had more things she liked about the job! But each and every day, she would wake up focusing on the negative and therefore end up frustrated and defeated. The redirection of her thoughts to focus on the flexibility, money, co-workers and job security helped her realize that she was creating negativity and she could shift that by focusing on the positive. Often people fight allowing life to be calm and joyful so they use their thoughts to create worry, fear and doubt. Cluttered thoughts make you feel frustrated and exhausted by life. Another client recently complained that life was terrible and that he felt like he was on an endless treadmill. After discussing his thoughts, he disclosed that he grew up in a very task focused home where there was never time to have fun or play. He grew up thinking that life was all work and responsibilities. He realized that he did not allow himself to have fun at all. A friend was avoiding taking her children to the park because they would not want to leave after the hour of play. Her negative thought affected her decision. By re-focusing her thoughts on all of the fun she would have with her kids and minimizing the worry about a possible tantrum, she allowed herself to really enjoy the time with her kids. Just by bringing awareness to your thoughts, you can begin to free yourself from the illusion and restriction your thoughts have been creating. You can create a harmonious life or one filled with fear, negativity and lack of trust. How you view life is up to you. Clearing the thoughts of doubt and worry are important too. Doubt and worry are based in fear and stop you ultimately from getting what you say you want. All negative thoughts need a little Feng Shui to shift the awareness to the positive and allow yourself to release the need to cling to the old thought patterns. Bringing nature into thoughts through meditation can help bring peace and calm into your life. The mind is like a muscle you need to learn to work with, increase flexibility and strengthen. Create the world you want by imagining the person you always wanted to be and begin seeing yourself that way. Be positive, affirm life, attract positive people into your life and make the choice to love yourself and life.......it all comes from your thoughts. You are what you think!

The Energy of Anger

As children we have all heard the words, "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me." That saying could not be more false! Words and cruelty can hurt people to the core of their being and last a lifetime! "The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood (Buddha)." While I was leaving my office, a man in his car taking up two lanes, completely lost his temper when a driver honked to get him to move back into his lane. The man was shaking his fist, giving the other driver the middle finger and cursing. It was quite a sight! Why are people so angry? Rage and anger affect those around them and perpetuates more anger. Everyone has witnessed a fight or road rage, where seemingly "put together" people absolutely lose it on each other. Children treated harshly by an adult can turn into bullies, tormenting other kids. Some children humiliated and treated cruelly by a parent might appear as a model child, only to take their anger out on their spouse or children when they are adults. Other children treated harshly by adults, may not be abusers but end up marrying someone who abuses them with anger. One client I counseled who was repeatedly verbally abused as a child with stuff like, "your an idiot" and "you'll never amount to anything" took his anger out on the field while playing sports, starting fights and name calling. Even now in his 60's, those words still affect how he feels about himself. Another client in his 40's, recently broke down sobbing as he remembered the repeated humiliation of being ignored and dismissed by his father as well as harsh physical punishments. Ignoring someone is a form of rage too. Everyone has anger in them, it can be a healthy protective emotion. The issue is really about what you do with your anger. Name calling, degrading someone, telling other's they are no good or crazy is unacceptable and a form of verbal and emotional abuse. Rage, violence and hostile anger is passed down from generations in one form or another. Sometimes people end up angry because of growing up in alcoholic homes, where nobody was protecting the child or setting limits. The anger still originates from a childhood wound. Children and adults around hostility and criticism may also learn to repress their anger and instead of venting it outwardly, they turn it on themselves. Anger turned inward is depression! The lesson for any person with anger, to get back in touch with the pain they have been burying and to learn compassion for themselves and others. Unfortunately all too often though, the person with the rage issue refuses to get help and blames everyone else for their anger. It's always someone else's fault from their perspective. I end up counseling the people affected by the anger, generally the spouses and children. If the spouse with rage does make it to therapy, they still rant and rave about how everyone provokes them. The denial in them is actually really profound! "Do not speak harshly to any one; those who are spoken to will answer thee in the same way. Angry speech is painful: blows for blows will touch thee (Buddha)." Anger is a lesson for everyone. It is a lesson of self control of one's own anger and to walk away and refuse to engage when someone is verbally attacking you. Anger and controlling behaviors are really smoke screens for deep insecurities and pain. Send them love and walk away! If things escalate, call the police and get somewhere safe. Don't put up with repeated abuse. Nobody deserves any kind of abuse! Angry people need to justify their rage, so they will invent all kinds of triggers and excuses to spew their poisonous words. Find the strength to leave the person with rage if they refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior. Seek counseling to work through the wounds that anger has caused and be aware of what might be causing your own anger. Love is the only remedy for anger. "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger (Buddha)." Love yourself, seek the truth underneath your anger and learn to forgive, it is the only way!

Gratitude

I have a 36 year old family member struggling with aggressive cancer. What a difficult lesson cancer is for the individual and for everyone touched by it...,the family, friends, caregivers, children and spouses. I read a statistic that approximately one in three individuals will get some form of cancer in their lifetimes. That is an astounding statistic. I interned at an oncology unit of a hospital when I was in grad school. I witnessed young 20's on up with various forms of cancer. Most days I would go home in tears, overwhelmed by the daily pain I was witnessing. Cancer is a lesson for us all. The lesson......gratitude for each and every day that we have. Most people are so busy and consumed by the stresses and business of their daily lives that they forget to take a moment and just appreciate the day. Each day is truly a gift each one of us has and we should not take that for granted. Just ask someone living with cancer and they will surely tell you that cancer has taught them to appreciate life! You have no idea what an amazing gift life is until you feel it slipping away, day by day. "If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change (Buddha)." Life is a miracle and each day is precious. The other things I observed interning at the hospital was loneliness, poverty, fear, sadness, mental illness and a lot of loss. Many people are struggling with very difficult lessons. Some have no contact with family and feel all alone. I witnessed individuals in poverty without enough bus money to get home. Some souls do not even have enough food to eat and many children are lacking in guidance, supervision, love and basic needs. Again, with all of that said, the lesson we can learn from our own struggles as well as others, gratitude. The other lesson of illness, disease and loss is awakening. When the individual suffering and those affected wake up to the opportunity to embrace life, they are forever changed. We have all heard stories of people disgnosed with cancer and they completely change their lives. I have watched people completely transform, enjoying a day with their kids or suddenly noticing a beautiful garden they've passed a million times. The arguments and stresses of life seem petty and time with loved one's more valuable than money. The lessons just continue until the day you leave this life so be in the moment, be grateful and embrace all that life has to offer. "Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it (Buddha)."

Things Happen For a Reason

Reflecting back over my life, I can see the synchronicity of occurrences that brought me to where I am today. Things always happen for a reason even if we are unaware at the time what that reason is. Eventually, we can figure it out. Have you ever had something happen that seemed like a crisis at the time, yet it pointed you in a completely different direction and you end up grateful that the changes occured? I see it all of the time with my clients. They come to therapy because of a crisis, like a job loss or a break up. Eventually though, they end up on another path which has opened up new and exciting possibilities for them. I have also witnessed people fight the tide of change and make the transition difficult and overwhelming. The more you fight the changes that are meant to happen, the more you feel misery. The journey can be easy if you let it. Life is only as easy or difficult as you perceive it to be. I counseled a couple that were clearly in crisis. The husband was in crisis because his perception was that the possible break up was sudden and out of the blue. The wife was in crisis because she had been telling her husband for years that the marriage was not going well, but he refused to listen. Same crisis, different perspectives. People tune out what they don't want to hear until the changes are absolutely forced on them. Those changes will happen regardless of whether you bury your head in the sand. The decision becomes, are you going to make it easier on yourself or difficult? Your choice. Changes need to happen in life, otherwise people begin deceiving themselves or numbing out. If you trust the process of life, trust your heart and do things with loving intentions, then even the biggest changes can hurt less, harm less and not cause such a huge crisis. People create the crisis because they fear and fight change. Crisis is the catalyst that opens your eyes, wakes you up to what you may have been dismissing or ignoring and moves you in a different direction. Sometimes that is needed! If people listened to their intuition and hearts earlier however, changes could have been made without such a mess involved. When ironic situations or serendipitous events occur, those situations are the universe's way of making sure you are paying attention! You run into people from the past or family and old friends contacting you out of the blue, happen for a reason. Often, healing needs to occur or more lessons between the individuals are needed. I ran into someone from high school seemingly by accident. I ended up being invited at the last second to a party and wham, the universe threw us together. I had remembered that she was not so nice to me all those years ago and as it turned out, she had the same view of me. At that moment we had an opportunity to see each other and ourselves in a new light and to heal the past. We chose forgiveness and it turned out to be a wonderful "chance" occurrence. Everything happens for a reason, but it is your decision whether you heal, forgive, apologize and embrace the moment. Free will is always involved but the opportunity is presented nonetheless. "I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act (Buddha)." Trust the process of life, allow changes to flow more easily and call on your faith and your heart to lead the way when you are unsure.

The Gift of a Smile

I had an interesting day today observing people that I was interacting with. As I have noted in a previous article, many couples do not seem happy, but overall a lot of people in general look pretty miserable. In the morning, I was greeted with a smile at Starbucks. The staff at this particular location are so friendly that you just want to stay and bask in their friendliness. They smile and remember your order. It is a great way to start the day! The rest of the day went downhill from there. At the elementary school, the secretary looks like she has a permanent scowl on her face and I often wonder if being unfriendly is listed as part of her job requirement. Off to my son's preschool where some of the teacher's appear to love their jobs, but others look less than enthused to be there. One preschool teacher actually said to a four year old, "I am the boss of you." Hmmm, which one is the four year old? At the bank, one teller had a smile, the rest look grumpy and angry to be there, probably secretly wishing they could just take the money and run. At lunch, several employees smile and one semi-negative cashier. I went for a hike in the afternoon and not surprisingly, everyone on the trail smiled and said hello. See, hikes are good for the soul! Watching people drive, some were aggressive drivers, most looked grumpy, some just blatantly would not let other's into the lanes. I did have one nice driver at a four way stop wave me to go first. Back at the pool daycare and wow, the two ladies in charge of watching the kids looked absolutely miserable. No smiles or greetings from them at all and the kids said they were mean. I won't be leaving my kids with them again! The lifeguard at the pool was just nasty to the kids. Back to Starbucks for a dose of friendly. Then off to a meeting with three other parent's to plan meetings for a large group of seven year old girls that I am the leader of. That just topped off my day of unfriendly, when they tried to veto music and dancing at the meetings, stating it riles the girls up too much and it is not a serious activity. It is serious.....seriously fun for the girls which seems to be a problem. The girls just love their five or so minutes of dancing, so I fought to keep the fun alive! I appreciate all of the friendly souls I crossed paths with today and I hope they noticed the smile I sent their way too. As for the miserable souls, I gave them a smile too, but they didn't seem to notice. Buddha said, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." Mother Teresa said, "Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." Dalai Lama said, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions." On that note, we all have a choice each and every day. Are we going to spread the joy or participate in the misery? What a simple action to say hello with a smile and choose happiness. If more of us choose the higher road, then hopefully, eventually, we can out number the one's who look unhappy. In the meantime, I will keep trying, one smile at a time.

Lunch With Friends

Today I had lunch with my girlfriends. It is so interesting to observe the many changes in us and our lives over the past 13 years. We met in grad school prior to marriages, kids, and mortgages. Now, instead of chatting about movies and restaurants, we are talking about our spouses, parenting and school systems. Many years ago, we might have judged a mom who would have given her child crackers in church to keep him quiet, now we completely understand. We all agree that we have learned more about ourselves from parenthood. We have all done a lot of self help, yet our children have illuminated more about who we are than any amount of therapy ever could. Parenthood is an amazing journey. As with any journey it is filled with ups and downs, moments of bliss and times of frustration and exhaustion. Children will reflect back to you your fears and doubts, your vulnerabilities and style of communication. Children are born with their own unique temperament but are also heavily influenced by the tone of their environment. I often observe babies and toddlers with their parents and the children usually reflect a similar disposition as one of the parents. Friendly child, friendly parent. Grumpy child, grumpy parent. Shy child, shy parent. Parents often get frustrated when they see personality traits in their children they try to deny or reject in themselves. The challenge is to not judge the child, but reflect on where those traits come from in you. Parenthood forces you to really look at who you are. Children do not become anxious or sad out of the blue. What has been going on in their environments and lives that needs some reflection. One mom I counseled was extremely anxious, but hoped she hid it well from her children. Well no such luck, the children started displaying some fears and worries because no matter how much you try to hide things, children can still feel it. The parent-child relationship can really only be as healthy as the parent. Parent's are teachers and the guides. Whatever the parent has not dealt with will surely show up in the child one way or another. In fact, all adults have an opportunity to be positive role models and guides to children as aunts, uncles, babysitters, friends, grandparents and teachers. The lesson, if you are around children, observe yourself more carefully and commit to helping yourself grow. Every step you make in insight and awareness eventually gets passed onto the children. Often adults sometimes over correct a situation by doing the exact opposite as their parents. The problem may still surface though, even if it looks a bit different. The underlying issues still need to be addressed in the adult. So, my girlfriends and I talked for hours about the demands and joys of parenthood and all of us agreed that we welcome the challenge because the joys far out way the difficulties. "Joy is a net of love by which you catch souls (Mother Teresa)." As with parenting, the pot of gold is nurturing a soul with love, guidance and inspiration. There is nothing more rewarding than that!

Calm in the Chaos

I was at Chuck-E-Cheese's tonight with my kids. I received one posting from a friend on Facebook about how she would rather "slowly pull off her toenails one by one" than be at Chuck-E-Cheese's. Okay, I understand completely. Chuck-E-Cheese's for those of you who may have never been in one is a pizza place chock full of hundreds of arcade games and kiddie rides. Those kid arcade restaraunts can be noisy, crowded, sticky, crazy places on a Saturday night. However the lesson for me today, that you can have a zen moment in the midst of chaos. As quoted by Buddha, "Peace comes from within, do not seek it without." As I sat in the chaos, I decided to really be in the moment and observe what was going on around me. I saw kids laughing everywhere, parents playing with their children, a child gave another child a token who didn't have one, birthday parties, and kids who were strangers to each other taking turns and interacting. My daughter was skipping on her way to a game, she looked so happy. A very sweet couple with their child caught my eye. This couple really struck me because they were so clearly genuinely in love. The way they looked at each other adoringly was surprising. They actually looked happy together! They could hardly keep their hands off of each other. Nothing crazy, just hugs, caresses and kisses as well as kisses to their child. It was heartwarming to watch. So in the middle of chaos, I found myself at peace, observing some of life's joyful moments. In those chaotic moments we all have a choice on how we perceive it. If I had sat in Chuck-E-Cheese's only noticing the noise and cries, the crowds and the runny nosed kids, I would have walked away stressed and vowing to never return. Instead, I walked away with a smile, thinking about that loving couple and all of the kids that got to play with their parents tonight. We cannot always get to peaceful environments, so the journey is to practice bringing the serenity of nature within. Everyday we are all confronted with different types of chaos like traffic, malls, movie theatres, restaurants, sporting events, office buildings, deadlines, getting the kids to school and a lot more. With practice and attention, our awareness can be shifted to focus on the good, the joy and to calm the mind. Even shifting one's perception to focus on what you can control versus what you cannot can make a difference. We cannot make traffic go any faster, but we can control how we handle it! Some people can even be in the most peaceful environments and still bring chaos with them. The next time you are in the midst of your own chaos, remember that it is all a matter of perspective, so even with a minor adjustment in how you see it, you too can enjoy some calm when you least expect it.

Follow Your Heart

I watched a witty movie last night called, The Art of Lying. This movie sums up some of the things I have been saying in my articles, that people are not living their lives the way they really want to. The movie says a lot about our society, that people are disguising their pain and that there is an undercurrent of judgement and pressure to be what others want you to be. I love the saying, follow your heart. Everyone has heard that saying, but very few are actually listening to their hearts. We are in a fear driven society. Why would people think for themselves when the messages from the media, religions, family and friends are of fear, worry and doubt. Just watch the news for one hour and you'll be downloaded with all sorts of fear based information! Why aren't more people really listening to their hearts. When you reflect on your life, you can identify those moments when you listened to your heart. As a child, you naturally let your heart lead the way. You knew what toy you really wanted and nobody could talk you out of it. You knew as a child the activities you loved and the ones you hated. Children are so pure and raw about that. If a child does not like ballet, they'll scream, "I hate it, I don't want to go!" Children also know which friends make them feel good and the one's that don't. They will say, "I don't like him, he's not nice to me." But, adults day by day, condition kids to stop listening to their hearts. They tell them, "I paid good money for those lessons, you'll like it if I tell you to." A child who loves music will beg to play an instrument and a parent will say, "you can play the trumpet, because that's what I played" or "I never took music classes and I turned out just fine." Adults will dissuade kids from what they really like, "you don't really like that do you?" Regarding friends, adults will heavily influence children to play with who they deem acceptable. Parents dress kids like display mannequins, trying to live up to an image. Adults are constantly steering kids away from who they really are. No wonder that by the time we all reach adulthood, we don't even know who we are or what we really like anymore. If we do happen to know what we like, we've been so conditioned by fear and doubt, that the moment you decide to take a risk and follow you heart, your internal voice screams, "that's crazy, it won't work, or why would you do that?" Get to the heart of the matter, so to speak. Remember who you really are underneath the image, the facade and the show. Who do you really love being around, what are your passions and honor your gut feelings. Listen to your heart because it always knows the way. If you live and love fearlessly, you'll never regret it!