The Fortress

Children come into the world full of unconditional love, but in a conditional world, they build their walls brick by brick until it becomes a fortress. We all have such an enormous capacity to love, but it becomes jaded, stifled, and blocked. Feelings are the key to break down the fortress. As children we were so open and honest about our feelings. Each day though, our parents and environments taught us to hold back, behave, not act too excited, and push down our very essence. The journey as adults.....,begin to feel again and break through the pain which built the fortress. Fear always has to be addressed in dealing with the fortress. Fear is the guardian and tries to dissuade us from heading into the unknown. It convinces us that the fortress is just fine and there is no need to go any further. It keeps us locked up however and in a perpetual state of limbo from ourselves. People often believe their fortresses are protections, but all too often people stay in bad situations with not very nice people, because they can't feel how damaging the situation really is. Without an open heart connection, you can't really discern painful situations. You may know it's bad, but aren't feeling the situation completely. That leads us into denial which is a crafty defense that can put a veil of illusion around you. That veil shows you what you want to see in a person or situation, not what they or it really is. It is truly self deception at it's best. Hey, we've all been guilty of it! The more you stray from your heart, the more you cling to illusion and fear, the more you reside in denial. Our society also conditions group denial of feelings. The socially acceptable way to keep denial in place and from feeling too much: drinking alcohol in excess, smoking, drugs, gambling, sex addictions, shopping, gossiping, food, anger and more. Unfortunately, those very behaviors can create another level of avoidance when the addictions to keep you from feeling actually become a problem which necessitates more denial! What a vicious cycle. My journey regarding my own fortress has been illuminating. As a child, my essence was expressive, sensitive and loving. Without guidance and supervision however, I was left on my own to get to scouts, do homework and figure out dinner. My fortress started from neglect. The fortress was firmly in place by high school. I clearly remember having no hopes or dreams about my future. I felt completely disconnected. I spiraled out of control in college when feelings finally began to emerge. The fortress couldn't contain it all any more and my behavior and choices reflected that. Overwhelming feelings were actually my saving grace and even though it took me being out of control to get there, it was my wake up call. An abusive relationship early in college also taught me how little I valued myself and eventually led me to seek help. I found my way back to me and started having hopes and dreams. With hopes, I also found a new form of denial, social acceptance. Growing up poor, led me to want the American dream. I bought into the package, hook, line and sinker. I hoped for everything I never had growing up, the house, marriage, the kids and suburbia. Denial began to mask the essence of who I had worked so hard to unveil and for what? To anchor the image I had worked so hard to achieve. Clearly my journey is ongoing on dismantling my own denial, even with as much insight I may have. We are all always in lesson! Denial is a tough lesson, because you have to really face yourself and discover what you are really clinging to. First step, break the denial and keep breaking it. That tricky denial just keeps throwing up veil's of illusion. Once you break one layer, don't be surprised when another layer pops up with a different spin. It's still fear disguised! I have seen so many individuals finally break through denial in relationships and feel the pain of the situation, kinda like a hallelujah moment, only to cover it back up days, weeks or months later. People make excuses and say things like, "well, he's been nicer for a week," or "it's really not as bad as I thought" or "the kids seem fine" and "why rock the boat." I'm telling you, don't believe one darn thing that denial tries to tell you. Protective, nope, it's just a stall tactic....to avoid facing your fears and to keep you incredibly out of touch with your heart center. What fears? Fears of change, avoidance of loneliness (even though the situation may be incredibly lonely), guilt (more self abuse), finances, protecting the status quo and the list goes on and on. Hiding in your fortress and ignoring your feelings is paramount to abuse, that you are doing to yourself! Sometimes, it can feel quite cozy in your fortress. It feels like a safe place for awhile because becoming aware of one's feelings or what is really occurring around you may seem like opening Pandora's box. Your denial imprisons you in the fortress and as comfortable as it may feel, it is an avoidance of who you are and what you are really feeling. Show that pesky denial that you are in charge and it does not control you. Bravely face your fears, see the truth beneath the denial and allow yourself to feel, dismantling your fortress one brick at a time. Understand your story, but don't cling to it. Our stories are to help us learn. Once you learn the lesson though, the story is in the past and no longer needs to define you. It's your life to live, do you want to stay hidden behind a fortress? "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: 1.) not going all the way; and 2.) not starting, (Buddha)."