What Were They Thinking?

Sometimes people behave in way's that make you wonder, what were they thinking? People act out their deeply buried pain. That is why people can lack compassion, behave selfishly, be mean or even act cruelly. The denial in mean spirited and selfish people is so profound, they rationalize their bad behavior or just blame other's as deserving it. Often people also completely minimize the behavior saying, "you're so sensitive, it's not that bad!" The detachment in them in significant. I often have clients ask me, "How and why can so and so be so incredibly mean." It's tough to fathom when you are a caring individual, that some people operate out of spite, vengeance, selfishness and resentment. They simply justify their behavior as the person or world made them act that way. Here are some of the mean or selfish behaviors I have heard about in the years of working with clients. A husband is home with his 3 month old baby boy. His wife goes out to a movie to have some time for herself. When she returns, she finds her husband sleeping and assumes all went well.....until she hears a muffled cry and opens the bathroom door. She is shocked when she sees the bassinet and baby crying, realizing her husband pushed the baby and bassinet into the bathroom so that he could get some sleep. What was he thinking? An ex-husband shows up at his son Jacob's baseball game which happens to be on Jacob's seventh birthday. The father has no gift or card for his son and simply says, Happy Birthday, then leaves the game. What was he thinking? A girl goes to the first day of school to start 1st grade. Her mother failed to tell her that she was held back and would be repeating Kindergarten. The child hears it from the teacher on the first day of school and sobs all day at her desk. What was that mom thinking? A father so incensed that a driver honk's at him, gets out of the car and beats the driver to a pulp, in front of his 5 year old son. What was that father thinking? A wife yells at her spouse, "I hate you and wish you were dead." What was she thinking? A father terrorizes his son for years with cruel words and actions. What was he thinking? I've heard many stories of child abuse where the parents bury their heads in the sand and ignore what is or has happened and even defend the abuser. What are they thinking? "Good men and bad men differ radically. Bad men never appreciate kindness shown them, but wise men appreciate and are grateful. Wise men try to express their appreciation and gratitude by some return of kindness, not only to their benefactor, but to everyone else (Buddha)." People in deep pain and denial, project their pain on everyone around them. That pain causes so much pain in other's, which may take years or a lifetime to sort through. Try not to spend too much time understanding people's bad behavior's, work on yourself and get stronger. A big lesson and test of being hurt by bad behaviors of other's........,to avoid joining them in denial, rage, retaliation or vengeance. The journey with very painful lessons is to feel what has happened, learn compassion, find ways to protect yourself and your children from abusive behaviors and ultimately to forgive. Forgiveness does not condone bad behaviors, it releases you from being judge and jury and frees you from carrying the pain forever. I'll end this article with an inspiring quote from Mother Teresa to illuminate the point that all of life is a lesson. "Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it."