Let It Fade

Leaving one chapter of your life behind to head into the unknown can be exciting and scary. After years of counseling individuals through many life changes, no matter how difficult or challenging those changes seem to be, they always reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Understandably, divorce seems to be one of the most challenging life changes for people. I had one man come to his first counseling session requesting help to stop the numerous affairs he was having and said, "just so you know however, I am NOT getting a divorce!" Remember, that which you resist most is your biggest lesson. After years of counseling and a lot of soul searching he finally faced how terrible his marriage really was and is now divorced. When it comes to divorce, there are so many issues to face. As the case with the client I just mentioned, his fear was his family's disapproval of divorce. Coming from a Catholic upbringing and parents who seemed stuck in their own marriage, divorce was strictly forbidden in his family system. He had married his spouse to please his parents, but had not married someone whom he really loved. His journey was to follow his heart, face his fears and head into the unknown. His light at the end of the tunnel is that he is now settled, more independent, dating and living a more authentic life. Another client was forced into a divorce when her husband left quite suddenly. Her life was thrown into chaos and confusion as she suddenly had to face the loss of her marriage, mourn the future she thought she'd have and finally adjust to a new life as a single mother. The irony, she's happier, stronger and better off without him and can see now that he had not been a supportive partner during the years they were married. I grew up with divorces all around me. I thought divorce was normal and considered a couple staying together as an anomaly. Everybody has their own perspective and expectations of relationships, marriage and divorce based on their upbringing, culture, religion and society. As a therapist, I understand all too well the complexities of relationships. What works for one couple, may not work for another. Relationships are unique and filled with numerous lessons, both in staying together and in parting ways. No matter what, when couples get to a point when one or both partners decide to separate, their old life has to fade away. That is why a divorce may feel like a death, filled with all of the feelings that come with a loss. Many people express confusion about feeling sad about their divorces, even though they were the ones who wanted to end their marriages. It is still the loss of your old life, no matter who requested the divorce. The partners that will not face their feelings or let their old lives fade are the ones disabled by fear. One 40 year old client, when faced with a divorce said he would sleep in the spare bedroom and seemed fine with allowing their marriage to stay that way into old age. Talk about avoidance and fear!! Those are the partners in denial, the ones who would have pushed the problems underground and stayed married no matter how awful things were and the ones who end up bitter, disgruntled and stay angry many, many years after the divorce. Why do people hold onto anger so many years after a divorce? It reflects the individuals need to blame, rather than take responsibility for one's own life. The other difficult issue with divorces are the children. Do not think for a moment that the children are not affected by bad marriages! The denial about this issue is enormous. Couples will often rationalize, that it is always best for the kids to see the parent's stay married. Not always. Children feel everything that is occurring in the environment and if a couple is miserable, bitter and there is tension, they can feel it. Is it healthy for children to observe obligatory marriages and to grow up with unhappy parents? What does that teach children? Children should see happy couples, which will teach them to seek happy unions when they grow up. Otherwise, another generation believes that settling is the norm for a marriage. I have also counseled some marriages that had a really good foundation, but just needed some increased communication to get back on track. All marriages and relationships go through growing pains. The key is to really address the issues in a relationship and decide whether it is past the point of no return and be willing to face the crossroads with strength. There is always an opportunity for growth with any changes you make and every direction you head. As you face the unknown, let your old life fade and embrace the new life you are heading into, whether you stay together or you part.